I didn’t know how I had gotten back into my bed or how much time had passed since I had tried to get out of my room. I had lost all feeling and interest. Mourning, I lay on the pillows and stared into space. Father Michael had put down something to eat for me on the bedside table. But the rims of the cheese were already dried, so the sandwich had to be there for quite a while. I didn’t feel like eating. Or drinking. All I wanted was to see my child. The Padre entered and I looked to the ground, so that I only saw his feet as they approached me.
He stopped beside the bed. “You haven’t eaten, Ada,” he noted. He sounded worried. “You have to eat something, Ada,” he said thoughtfully.
I couldn’t stand how he treated me now. Telling me that he was worried about me sounded hypocritical.
“I want my baby!” I demanded without looking at him. I heard him breathing deeply. Was he losing his patience with me? Good. Because then he maybe would let me go to her and soon.
“That’s not possible, Ada. You know that. We discussed this so many times,” he said. My eyes began to burn as the tears welled up. “I’m sorry, Ada. So sorry,” he murmured, when he saw me beginning to cry.
I convulsed with pain, as if someone had punched me in the stomach and my heart felt, as if a cold fist had wrapped itself around it. Grief and anger took over my face, screwing it up. “Leave me alone,” I said roughly and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see him. His sight was unbearable for me. Too much.
He whispered my name and touched me on the shoulder.
“Don’t touch me! Get away from me! Just leave me alone!” I snapped. His touch was dreadful for me; his presence repugnant. When he didn’t move, I rolled onto my other side and turned my back on him. But somehow I knew he looked at me. I felt his eyes on me so clearly, as if they were his hands.
“Why do you reject me? I will do you no harm, Ada. Do not send me away. Take my hand. I can help you and give you some of my strength. Let me help you,” he began, but stopped, after seeing me cover my ears with my hands, so I didn’t have to hear his false words. They were meaningless to me. Like dust. You breathe in, exhale and the dust is blown away with it. And it’s gone, as if it had never been there to begin with. A moment passed. Then I felt the mattress moving under me. He was gone.