I wanted to be surrounded by him, completely, from all sides. It was only possible when we were in his room. There, everything was suffused with him, his essence and his smell. Each piece of furniture, the upholstery, each cushion was Father Michael. Willingly, he followed me, asking no questions. As I sat down on his bed, I grabbed him by his cassock, pulling him with me when I lay back. He didn’t resist. I quickly undressed. As soon as I lay naked in front of him, I started to free him from his clothes. Even now, he didn’t say a thing. He just let me do it. He knew why I needed that now.
We had slept with each other several times before. Still, it was different this time. I wondered whether he felt it, too. Did he also think it was more intense? As for me, I wanted to remember every detail of him so I could take it with me into eternity. With the tip of my fingers I stroked over the fine lines of his face and admired the softness of his hair on my skin. I traced the contours of the muscles that gave his body its incomparable shape. Where I was soft, he was hard. That had always fascinated me: the contrast of a strong male body to a woman’s soft curves. Father Michael let me continue my exploration trip without protest. When I had admired the most intimate parts of his body, it was his turn to explore me. In each of his touches there was more admiration and love than I had ever felt before. I wasn’t used to someone loving me that much. It was new to me and it broke my heart that I wouldn’t have it forever.
I pushed these thoughts aside. Here and now I just wanted to enjoy what every human is longing for.
Father Michael caressed me more tenderly and carefully than ever. Every inch of my skin was touched. He smelled the crook of my neck. He enjoyed my taste. He closed his eyes, taking his time to remember it. He looked at me, amazed, as if he couldn’t believe it was him who made me feel like that. I wanted to scream at him: “Yes, it’s your fault I have these feelings!” But the next moment, he united us in the oldest way known to mankind.
He moved in a slow rhythm. Painfully slow. As if he didn’t want it to end. That was when I understood what was different. He said goodbye to me. In that very moment he bid me farewell.
I couldn’t hide my shock. It was written all over my face. I wanted to say something, but he didn’t let me. Quickly, he sealed my mouth with his lips and kissed me passionately. I tasted despair on his lips. He didn’t want to let me go. I ended the kiss and wrapped my arms around him. My chin rested on his sweaty shoulder. I leant my head against his neck, closing my eyes. I took in his scent, felt his heat, felt his heart beat in his chest close to mine. In that moment, I wished I could creep inside him. I wanted to hide within him. I would come out only if there were no monsters anymore. I didn’t care how long it would take: a year, or five, or ten. I would accept any period of time, if only I could be with him as long as the earth exists.
It ended too soon. I leant back, trying to look him in the eyes, but he lowered his head. A few dark sweaty strands of hair fell forward, offering him a good hiding place. I tried again to look at his face. He shook his head and his hair obstructed my view once more.
“Please, Michael,” I whispered. He didn’t respond. He didn’t move nor did he say a word. Only his heavy breathing could be heard in the room. I didn’t want to put pressure on him. Whatever it was that made him behave like that, he didn’t want me to see it.
I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in the crook of his neck. I held him so tightly, I thought my joints would break. I had fought against the tears for a very long time, but now I couldn’t hold them back any longer. Father Michael didn’t complain. I also didn’t say anything when I felt his tears on my skin. We mourned as we said our farewells.