Chapter 31: Beautiful Hands
By the time I was ready to leave the bar that I had been visiting for several hours each day for the past few days, I was too drunk to recognize my own reflection in the mirror. I was sure that there was more alcohol coursing in my veins than there was blood, and yes, I was happy about it.
I was happy that I had to stumble my way home as I drowned in my own thoughts of all of the things that I tried to do to distract myself since Celic slammed the door in my face. Between trying to figure out how to fix the situation my brother was in and finding whoever was responsible besides his dumbass, I grew exhausted and that was when I decided to start trying to drink my time away.
It was hard to find out what it was and who it was that I was looking for when all things silenced in what seemed to be a matter of minutes. Ultimately, I began to question whether Erebus meant it when he said he had everything under control. Regardless, in a way, I was angry that I was left with nothing to do. Though I knew it was too easy—I knew it was too easy to believe that all my family problems had gone away instantly—I couldn’t put my pride down to go see my brother and find out exactly what he did or was doing to fix the mess he made. So, I was forced to do what I do best: pretend to not care.
But, I could only do this for so long and with so many things. In the end, I was left to think about her all over again. I was left to think about how she said she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I was left to think about how she said she didn’t care about me anymore.
Not that it bothered me a lot. Truly, it didn’t at first; I was used to people shutting me out and pushing me away. However, what did bother me was the fact that I had finally found someone that I could call a friend, or at the very least, I finally found someone that didn’t make it so hard to want to keep fighting to keep the small part of me that brought me closer to being human again and I managed to ruin it. I managed to ruin all of it.
I loved her, and because I loved her I couldn’t keep ignoring the fact that not talking to her actually hurt me.
Actually...not talking to her was actually, painfully killing me.
So, I was glad that I was numb—almost entirely, physically numb. It pained me to think about her, but it was so much easier doing it without feeling stupid, while I was intoxicated. And, though there was plenty of alcohol to kill myself at home, I had decided to drink miles away from it. I had decided to drink myself into a sort of state of peace of mind miles away from home because then I’d at least have time to think before doing something impulsive. Though, in the end, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because if I had truly thought of what the sober me would do, I wouldn’t be sitting here, on her bed, waiting for her to come out of the shower just to see her.
I just wanted to see her.
I wish I could say that I felt a bit uneasy when the doorknob of the bathroom door began to turn; however, I was so happy with the idea that I’d get to interact with her again that I had forgotten that she didn’t want to see or talk to me anymore.
What seemed like moments passed before the door creaked open and my eyes were set on the most beautiful woman I had ever known.
“Damn. You’re gorgeous…” I stated breathlessly as my sights trailed down her body. My intentions were never to be disrespectful, but it was hard to keep my eyes fixed on only one part of her when she stood in front of me with nothing but white lace panties and a tank top.
Nonetheless, in the end, my eyes locked with hers and I felt my heart break in my chest. I could see right through her—she didn’t want to see me. In fact, I could tell that she didn’t want me anywhere near her.
She looked disgusted with me and in that moment, I realized that I had never felt more helpless in my life.
“What are you doing here?” she spat.
I should have known better than to just walking in there and expecting her to forgive me, but in my own childish ways, I had hoped that maybe if I came to see her again she would forget all the wrong that I did to her.
I didn’t want to hurt her—I don’t think that I ever meant to.
Furthermore, after what felt like minutes went by and I saw that the disgusted look in her eyes never left, I shamefully lowered my gaze to the floor and sighed.
She must have been able to smell the alcohol in my breath from where she stood because just as that deep breath passed my lips, she asked in a ‘I should’ve known’ tone, “Are you drunk?”
It was a rhetorical question, but I felt the need to answer it anyway. However, when I parted my lips to speak, I felt the knot begin to form in my throat, blocking my voice, so I merely nodded as I kept my eyes on the floor.
With that, she sighed and moved to me and sat next to me. She wasn’t hesitant to place her hand on my back and lightly patting it before trying to comfort me by slowly running it up and down my spine. I don’t know whether she knew that I was hurting or not, but I was thankful for whatever it was that made her sympathize me—I needed it. I needed it so much from her.
Only after a while did I gather the courage to try to converse with her, but still...the knot in my throat remained and my voice cracked as I called out for her, “Celic?”
At the sound of my voice, her hand paused it’s movements. I turned to look at her, my eyes locking with her own as I asked, “Do you hate me?”
I never meant to make her pity me, but I know that she did. She couldn’t resist doing so when the tears that I fought to stay hidden began to build at the brim of my eyes and nearly fell. In that moment, I didn’t know why I felt so sad...I just did. Then, I realized that the reason why I was falling apart just by sitting there was because I felt so lost and alone. I felt so lost and alone because I realized that if Celic told me that she hated me...I’d go back to being and having nothing.
“No,” she breathed out. “I don’t hate you.”
“Like...for real, for real?” I asked softly.
“Yes,” she replied with a small smile. “For real, for real.”
I felt relieved, but even then my heart continued to break. Nonetheless, I kept looking at her. Not for a second did I want to look away again because I feared that if I did, I’d lose sight of her forever.
And, for a while, I simply stared at her. My mind had gone blank for the few moments that she looked back at me, but the second that her eyes wandered away, I began to question where we stood.
Would things ever be the same? Would things change for the better?
“Celly Jelly, are you still mad at me?” I asked.
It made her laugh. I made her laugh.
She gave me a sideways glance and smiled as she giggled, “How can I be when you’re like this?”
“Oh…” I murmured as I nodded away. I felt her hand slowly slip away from my back, and I was surprised when she reached to take my own in hers.
“Ya know…” I began as I shifted my sights to that of our hands intertwined, “you’re my best friend. Well, you’re my only friend, but yeah, you’re my best friend.” I paused, quickly returning my sights to her.
“We’re still friends, right?” I asked.
She shrugged. “I guess,” she stated.
A sly smile crept onto my face, but within seconds, I was put in an awkward position. I began to think back to the night of the ball—the last time I truly interacted with her—and for some reason, all of the things that I wanted to say to her that night began to creep back into my mind. There were so many things I should have said but I never had the courage to, and ultimately, now that I was drunk, they sat at the tip of my tongue, scolding me to tell her.
“Hey, I wanna tell you somethin’,” I began. “Ya know that night that we came back from the ball and you fell asleep on me? You remember that? Do you?”
The smile on her face grew and she giggled, “I do. I —”
“I realized something,” I cut her off as I wanted to tell her all that I had to before I changed my mind. “You wanna know? Hmm? Yes? Okay,” I said.
“You didn’t even let me an—”
“Sh…” I breathed out, cutting her off again as I pressed my index finger against her lips to keep her quiet.
I wanted her to take this serious, but she kept laughing. I figured it was more than likely the facial expressions I was making because there was no way she was laughing at the way that I presented myself.
She’d never do that.
Briefly, my eyes wandered away from her. I thought about how I’d go about saying all that I had to say and what I’d do if I ran out of breath, but I quickly realized that it didn’t matter if I took until tomorrow to finish talking, she’d listen. Celic would listen to me because that’s just the kind of person she is. She listens to people even when she shouldn’t.
“Celic,” I called to her, reverting my eyes to her. “I...I just want you to know that you shouldn’t blame yourself. Silver made her choice without any regards to you.”
That instantly made the smile on her face vanish, but she didn’t say anything, allowing me to continue.
“And...y-you looked really pretty that night. So, shouldn’t cry. You shouldn’t cry because you’re a really ugly crier. And...and...you shouldn’t cry because when you cried, I wanted to cry with you. And, and, I cry really ugly too.”
Again, she smiled. This time, however, I needed to make sure that I kept that smile on her face because that smile...that smile made it not so hard to breathe when I was around her.
“But, Celic. Listen, sweetheart,” I added. “You’re so beautiful...so damn beautiful. Ya know, Silver is an idiot. I hated hearing you cry. It broke my heart. It really did. I even thought about breaking into that pretty head of yours and making you forget because I didn’t want you to be hurt. But you know what?” I said. “You wanna know? I realized that I really care about you. I care about you so much and I hate it. I hate it because when I care, everyone hurts me. You know, not caring doesn’t get you hurt. You know that? And you know what else?”
Though there was a knot forming at the edge of my throat and it would have been best for me to stop talking to briefly gather myself or try to contain myself, when she parted her lips to speak, I didn’t allow her to talk. I didn’t want her to say a word because then I may have never finished saying what I should have said so long ago.
“I love you, Celic,” my voice cracked. “I love you so much, and the only reason I’m telling you this like this right now is because I know that I would never have the balls to say it if I was sitting here sober.”
Tears quickly built at the brim of my eyes; however, this time, they didn’t hold back from falling.
“I’m sorry for being a dick to you,” I breathed out. “I never apologized because I didn’t know how. And I know it’s no excuse, but I want you to know that I really wanted to. I’ve always felt as if I’ve owed you an apology.”
I lightly sniffled, turning my head to look elsewhere. I couldn’t look at her anymore. Besides the fact that she looked nothing but blurry as the tears simply wouldn’t stop falling from my eyes, I was afraid that she’d accept my apology only because she felt sorry for me.
“So, I’m sorry,” I breathed out after a couple of moments.
With this, her hand slipped away from mine and I quickly turned to a side to look at her again. I couldn’t read the blank expression on her face, but in the end, I really didn’t have to. I knew it hurt her to see me like this when she brought her hand to my face and wiped the tears from my eyes as she stated with a quiver in her voice, “I know.”
Despite me hurting her, she didn’t want me to be sad. She cared...she actually cared.
“Celic,” I breathed out. “I know that you still love Silver, but I want you to know that I’m in love with you… I wish things were different—I wish I was different. Because maybe if I wasn’t me, maybe if I was different, you would be able to forgive the fact that I’m not what you physically want.”
I sighed, my sight wandering to that of her hands. She had beautiful hands…
“Maybe if I was different,” I continued, “you would be able to see that deep down I’m a good person and maybe then you’d like me too.”
“I do like you,” she quickly stated, my eyes snapping up to her face. “I like you a lot, but only when you’re not pretending that you don’t care about anyone.”
Then, I had done what I really didn’t want to do. Though I felt a big relief on my chest, the moment I saw the tears forming in Celic’s eyes, I lost the small hold I had of myself in me and a soft sob passed my lips.
“Don’t cry,” she cried. “You’re breaking my heart.”
“No…” I murmured. Tears fell from my eyes uncontrollably as I stated, “I’m so sorry.”
She tried to silence me. Her arms had somehow found their way around me and pulled me into her, and she held me. She held me tightly and close to her as if she was afraid that if she let go, I’d fall apart even more.
And, in that moment, I fell in love with her even more.
I fell into the deepest sea of love for her because she held me not because I cried because I was drunk and confessing my love for her was making me an emotional wreck. She held me because she knew that I was finally letting go and allowing her to see who I was behind the stone-cold wall that I built to keep everyone out.
She saw me.
Silence fell between us for a while, and it was a silence that came so peacefully and remained so. Neither of us had moved for a few moments, but she finally did, it was only to have one of her hands brush my hair.
“See?” She breathed out, “it’s okay.”
When I inhaled deeply, Celic’s scent numbed me. It was only for a couple of seconds, but within those seconds, I slightly pulled away from her and looked at her. Her face was but a mere inch away from mine, and when I parted my lips to speak, this time, she didn’t let me say a word.
She never hushed me or tried to talk over me, but instead, she pushed into me and pressed her lips against my own. The arm that once remained wrapped around me slid away, leaving one hand unoccupied so that she’d be able to cup the side of my face to touch me as she pleased.
I never fought against the things she wanted. At least, now I didn’t nor could I.
My own hand had found her waist, gently touching her and pushing her to lay on the bed as I moved to lay on top of her. Somewhere in between her actions and my own, my tongue had requested access into her mouth, her gladly giving in to me.
I wanted to touch her in every way, but I was afraid that if I pushed too far, she’d pull back and this would all be over. So, I did my very best to go slow and be gentle with her; however, that isn’t what she wanted.
She wanted more, and I got the message when she wrapped her legs around me and moaned into my mouth as she needfully arched her back and tried to pleasure herself by moving against me.
I knew none of this meant anything good for me if anyone found out, but it felt so right.
My member hardened in an instant, and in that same instant, my lips kissed down the side of her face and planted hungry ones on her bare neck and chest. Light moans emitted from the back of her throat, begging me to take her as she pleased.
Unfortunately, all that I wanted to do to her and all that she wanted me to do to her could never happen because after the little time that I had with her, I was reminded of how unlucky we were as her brother, Kyle, confidently swung the door open and emerged into the room.