Chapter 33: No Good For You
I groaned at the pounding in my head and nausea that lingered until the moment I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. The light that beamed through the window blinded me for a few seconds, forcing me to shut my eyes and turn my body to the opposite direction.
With the sunlight hitting my back, my sight landed on that of my bed sheets, quickly shifting up to that of the chair that had been positioned beside my bed. There she was, her lips hesitantly curling into a smile filled with uneasiness while her eyes looked into my own.
“Good morning, sunshine.” She greeted.
“Celic…” I mumbled.
I was confused but so relieved to see her. I thought I had lost her and her friendship after she shut me out that day. And again, I was confused that she was in my bedroom until the memories of last night came flooding back into my mind and I received a much clearer picture of why she was looking at me the way that she was.
My muscles tensed, the feeling of nausea returning as I internally panicked over the thought of what I’d do or say to her. This...this is what the drunk me didn’t think about: how I’d confront her once I was sober. Of course, at that moment, the only thing that came to mind…
“Why are you….what’s going on?” I asked, pretending as if I remembered not a thing.
She let out a nervous laugh, shifting her eyes away from my own as I sat up on my bed. She looked down at her hands and began to play with her fingernails as she lowly asked, “You don’t remember much of last night, do you?”
I could tell that the subject made her just as nervous as it made me, but I also knew that it made her nervous for different reasons that it made me uneasy. And being the coward that I am, I didn’t try to comfort her. Instead, I continued to pretend as if I didn’t know what she was talking about as I calmly stood up and walked into my bathroom, leaving the bathroom door open.
Between the processes of washing my face and mouth, I every-so-often glanced at her, waiting for her to speak. It seemed to me that she was trying to find the correct words to tell me what I already knew. For what? I was unsure. She must have been afraid that I’d snap on her if she simply blurted out what I said to her last night.
In truth, maybe I would have. Maybe I would have angrily yelled at her if she was insensitive of the way I felt about her. Maybe I would have made it seem as if I was going to physically attack her if she threw my heart away after I trusted her with it.
I wouldn’t hurt her again. At least, I wouldn’t do it intentionally. Even if she broke my heart then, I wouldn’t hold it against her because I didn’t think that I’d have the balls to make her cry again. Actually...I didn’t think I’d have the balls to make her cry and not feel like I wanted to kill myself afterward.
“Well, when I got out of the shower, you were sitting on my bed….drunk.” Her voice shook as she spoke. She had let out a deep breath soon after, pausing momentarily. By the time she picked up where she left off, I had already found myself walking back into my bedroom. I had been wearing the same jeans from last night and the same socks that I wore. I realized that Celic must have helped me to bed because I was too drunk to make sure that I took my shoes and shirt off to make myself semi-comfortable.
“You apologized for being such a, I quote, “dick” to me, and…” her voice trailed off. When those words left her mouth, I had just paused my movements. I stood before the dresser, picking a t-shirt out of the drawer.
“And you told me that I was beautiful….and….that you….love me.” She finished.
Oddly, I didn’t feel a thing. The moment she admitted to me telling her that I told her that I love her, I didn’t feel a thing.
“I see…” I stated. And, it wasn’t until I spoke that I felt my heart tug and my muscles tense. Then, I couldn’t look at her. As much as I wanted to turn to her and look at her face, I was afraid that if I did, I’d be handed pity. And, additionally, I was afraid that she would tell me that she didn’t feel the same way.
“We kissed…” she sighed. “And Kyle walked in on us.” She had paused. It was as if I could feel her looking me once-over before she continued. “He thought you forced yourself onto me, but I told him you didn’t. So….uh….don’t worry about it.”
“I kissed him!” Celic yelled, jumping up to stand between us as my eyes reflected Kyle’s glares. She behaved desperate, clearly afraid for not only her brother, but for myself as well.
“I kissed him….it’s all on me,” Celic breathed out. Her hands trembled as she pressed them against her brother’s chest. Though she stood before him, her brother bothered not to look at her until those words left her mouth. Then, he could only look at her with utter surprise.
I could tell then that he wasn’t angry because he loved his sister in any other way than the way that a brother should, but he was angry because he wanted to protect her from me. And, in that moment, he realized that he couldn’t.
Yes, Celic is a soft-hearted fool that’d allow herself to get hurt for the sake of others, but she is also a soft-hearted fool that would only dare to disappoint her family by admitting feeling for someone like me to them if she was truly in love with that someone.
“I helped you back to your room and helped you to bed.”
Her voice had pulled me away from the thought of last night and back to what was happening within that moment.
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
I was surprised by her. If it’d been me...I would’ve lied my way through the whole situation to avoid confrontation. If I believed that the drunk coward that admitted his feelings to me didn’t remember a thing, I would’ve pretended it never happened.
So didn’t you..?
“Did you mean it?” Celic asked after a few moments of silence. I had already pulled the t-shirt over my body, only giving myself very little room for a final distraction before I’d be forced to face her again.
“What you said…” her voice trailed off. It seemed to me that she was holding her breath for as much as she could until she had no other choice but to finish, “did you mean it?”
I did...I meant every word…but I couldn’t tell her that. I was prepared to turn to look at her, but I ceased my movements mid-way and only gave myself the pleasure of looking at her through the corner of my eye.
With a soft sigh, I breathed out, “I was drunk, Celic.”
My heart dropped. Why did I say that? I didn’t know. I didn’t know why I continued to be cruel to her even in the moments where I felt the utmost love for her.
“Right….heh,” she muttered. “I um…” I could tell that she didn’t know what to say; she was at lost for words because she was so embarrassed. And, I knew that only because her voice cracked as she tried to excuse herself from my presence, “I should go.”
I heard her push the chair back, quickly standing and rushing to the bedroom door. As she took the doorknob into her hand, I instinctively rushed right after her and slammed the door shut before she could leave me.
She couldn’t leave me. I couldn’t let her leave me.
“Wait,” I said as I grabbed her by her arm and forced her to turn to me. I hadn’t meant to be so rough with her, but I felt this need to grab her as I pleased. It was desperation—possessiveness. Once her back faced the door, I pushed her up against it, not allowing her to move even an inch away from me.
I wanted so badly for her to look at me in that moment, but she wouldn’t. Even after I demanded of her to do so, she wouldn’t so much as make an effort to glance up at me. I never wanted to make her do something she didn’t want to do, but this time if felt as if I had to. I gently placed my fingers beneath her chin and tilted her head up.
She did her best to make sure her sight steered away from me, and though she wasn’t looking at me, I could see the tears building in her soft eyes. She was hurt because of me, again.
I sighed. “Don’t cry,” I said. “I told you how that makes me feel.”
Her eyes shot up to meet my own, and despite all emotions she was feeling, she could still think. “You remember,” she breathed out.
I wasn’t sure how to go about admitting to the obvious though I had sort of already done so. Nevertheless, I went for the indirect answer...followed by something sarcastic to make myself seem not so pitible.
“I said I was drunk. I never said I didn’t remember,” I stated.
An instant look of disappointment flashed in her eyes. I didn’t want things to end there and I knew that if I said nothing or continued this ‘tough guy’ act of mine, it’d end exactly this way. It already appeared as if she was desperate to get away from me.
“I meant it….every word,” I muttered as my eyes fell away from her. I felt every tense muscle in my body suddenly loosen and I was left to stand oh-so helplessly before her. For some odd and awfully cliche reason...I couldn’t find the strength to so much as hold onto her, so my arms fell away from their grasp on her, hanging loosely by my sides.
“I’m sorry, Celic,” I whispered. “I never meant for things to end up this way.”
There was a torturous round of utter silence between us that made me want to ultimately crawl away in a dark corner. However, after a while, she spoke. She spoke and I was truly grateful for her having done so.
“Why didn’t you say anything before?” She asked in a shaky voice.
I was afraid: that was my answer. I was afraid of a million things, but even when I felt as if there was nothing more that I could say to her to make myself seem weaker than I already did, I continued to sort of ‘beat around the bush’ for my own ego’s sake.
“After what happened with Silver, I didn’t know if it’d be okay to tell you,” I began, every-so-often glancing at her. “Besides, I thought you were only into women and your father would probably kill me if he knew I felt this way about you.”
“You were afraid…” her voice trailed off.
I wasn’t surprised.
I wasn’t surprised that she could see right through me then. I had let my guard down too often for her to not pick up on the little things. And being who she is—a person who gives more attention to detail than the actual picture—I didn’t think that even if I hadn’t let my guard down, she wouldn’t have picked up on everything.
I thought, in all honesty, that perhaps she had been onto me since the moment that I began to have feelings for her. In fact, I believed that she probably knew that I had feelings for her before I did.
“You were afraid that I’d say I didn’t feel the same way,” she added.
Because I had lowered my eyes away from her, she bent down and to a side to try to look into them. Her soft hands had found the sides of my face and tilted my head up so that she’d have the same control I had when she tried to run away from me. I had to look at her, and when I did, I felt more embarrassment than I had ever felt at any point prior in my life.
“I was afraid that you’d look at me the way that you looked at me last night; just as you are right now.” I scoffed.
“I feel sorry for you, and I can’t help it…” Her voice trailed off.
“That’s why you let me kiss you and touch you, isn’t it?”
I must’ve struck a nerve because then she looked bothered—very bothered.
“I feel sorry for you because I know that you’re terrified, and being what you are...who you are—a Seeker—it must be killing you because...I’m sure you’ve probably only ever felt this a handful of times in your over three-hundred years of life.” She paused as she brought her hands down from my face, her eyes never leaving my own. “I didn’t let you kiss me and touch me because I pity you. I let you do it because I wanted you to. I have been...for a while now, and it’s more than curiosity.”
The feeling of desperation was only irritating me further, and the more that she spoke, the more I wanted her to keep speaking until I had all of the answers that I wanted.
“What is it then?” I growled, stepping just a bit closer to her to close the very small gap between us. My nose brushed against her own, my breath lightly fanning over my face.
“I’ve somehow found love for you,” she whispered. “The kind that makes me hand you my heart and hope you don’t crush it.”
“I’m no good for you,” I admitted. I felt like a fool for, in my own way, trying to convince her to turn back while she still could. I wanted her to understand—if she didn’t already—that being what we’d end up as if we continued on this path wouldn’t always be ‘sunshine and rainbows’.
“In this world...the only one that is good for me is my brother. But I don’t want him.” She lightly shook her head as if trying to convince me of what I already knew.
Even if she loved her gay brother that way...he already had a lover of his own.
“You like what isn’t good for you, don’t you?” I smirked as I brought my hand up to her face, brushing the pad of my thumb against her cheek.
Her shaky breath made her answer almost inaudible but it was enough for me to prepare what I knew would soon be her lips crashing into my own.
In that moment, I was happy...truly happy, and I knew that she was too. I knew I’d be good to her...but this world was destined to make sure that there was a moment in which her heart would be broken and I would not have the power to fix it.
Ultimately, what killed me was knowing that the reason her heart would be broken was because her own family was the one who crushed it.