I woke up trapped in warmth and struggling. It was pointless. I knew deep down that this wasn’t meant to be restraining, it was suppose to get me warm. But my brain had gone through enough. I was done. Spent. But the terror that coursed through my veins as I got out of the blanket and looked at the door as I heard the footsteps rushing to the room. I backed into the corner to see a face I have not seen before. He had a syringe in his hand. At this point I did not know what was real or fake. The past few hours have been a personal hell for me. It was memories combined with nightmares. The pain felt so real that I could practically still feel it. When one ended, another took its place.
The only time that I had a brief rest was when Viktor showed up, but he left. He left me. But I couldn’t focus on that right now. I looked at the man in front of me coming closer with a syringe. I do not know what took over me but my body got into a fight stance and kicked his hand so the syringe was flung across the room. I ran out the still open door. I recognized this as a part of Viktors castle, but I had some nightmares here as well. This could just be another mind trick. My mind was reeling. Reaching. I saw more people running for me but before I could react they all rushed me and put me on the floor. They restrained my hands and feet. It got to the point to where I was growling and trying to bite at them. It was like my fight and flight instincts were taking over. Then I saw Viktor running towards us with a plastic bag. He looked furious. But I almost sobbed. I instantly stopped fighting and at Viktors order they all released me. I got up and ran to him. He dropped the bag and caught me easily. I was sobbing.
“You....l-l-left-t......m-e-e” I said while sobbing into his shoulder.
“Shhhhhh, I had to prepare for you to come back. Shhhhhh. It’s okay,” He said.
I was angry. Not only angry. I was pissed. But I was more scared than anything else at that moment. And Viktor was always safe. He always kept me safe. Even if he was in the wrong at that moment. He didn’t fully understand what was going on when he left. He was naive to everything that went on in my brain except for the memory he stumbled into.
He started to walk to the room I was in while I hang on him like a child. Someone else picked up the bag that he was carrying and brought it with. I looked around the room and stared at the man who had the syringe in his hand. I squeezed Viktor and whispered through our bond.
“Get the syringe away, she doesn’t need it,” Viktor said immediately and the man jumped and nodded as he walked out of the room. Someone handed the bag of unknown content to Viktor. I just held onto his neck and wrapped my legs tighter around him. He started to walk towards the connected bathroom. He set me gently on the toilet seat. Then he went over to the large tub and turned it on to hot water. I wasn’t cold per say. Not on the outside. But I felt a bone deep chill. My whole body was aching. It felt like all my appendages would fall off.
Once Viktor put something that smelled good into the bathtub he started walking to the door. He was leaving me alone? Just the thought alone scared me. Last time he left me alone I had to deal with more memories or suppressed nightmares. Is this one no different? Is this all in my mind?
“Wait!” I said desperately. “Where are you going?”
He started walking towards me and keeled down so he was just a little shorter than me. He put his hand to my cheek and caressed it.
“I was just going to close the door, I do not want anyone to see you in the state of undress that you will be in,” He explained as he started to stand up he kissed my head and then turned towards the door again. He closed it and locked it. “Now lisichka (Little Fox), lets get you in the bath, yeah?" He said gently as he walked back to me.
"What do you always call me?" I asked self consciously. I was never bothered by it until now. But now there were a lot of things going through my head.
"I can't tell you, its a secret. Although I will tell you this. It is nothing bad, I can tell you that," He said as he pulled me up to stand with him. He started to pull off my shirt and I jumped back.
"I-I-I don't feel comfortable with that," I said as my voice wavered. Viktor narrowed his eyes, not in a accusing way, but more of a studying way. Like he was trying to figure out what happened. But he wouldn't figure it out, he doesn't deserve to go through the pain and guilt of some of the things I saw. Some of the demons that planted themselves inside of me. They fed my fears and made somethings that would make Viktor angry that I even thought about, a reality. I would just have to keep the bond closed.
"That's okay, I will be right back, I am going to go grab a swimsuit okay? Give me five minutes," he said and before I could protest he was gone. I fell onto my bottom and hugged my knees to my chest as I rocked back and forth. He abandoned me, again. What would happen if Saul actually did capture me, would Viktor just leave me with Saul? One less thing for him to have to deal with I guess.
What is this Allison. Separation anxiety? I needed to pull myself together. Before I became even more of a nuisance. But before I could get up and out of the concerning position, Viktor walked in and gave me a look that I could not decipher. He walked to me and grabbed under my arms and lifted me. He handed me a swimsuit that was not mine and turned around.
I quickly stripped out of the clothes that I was in and put on the swimsuit.
"You can turn around now," I said as I walked to him and put my arms around him. I just couldn't help it. I just wanted to be safe, and the only time I have felt that way since Saul was in my mates arms. Is that so wrong? "Can you promise not to leave me again, at least not for a while?" I asked
"You are not going to be alone for awhile princess. Last time I left you alone you turned into an ice cube," He said while chuckling. But it was hollow. He had worry in his beautiful blue eyes. He picked me up and placed me into the bathtub.
I leaned back into the jets that started to message my back and let Viktor take care of me. I let the sparks that connected with my skin at every touch relax me. But every time I closed my eyes images showed in my mind. It's haunting me, and I do not know how to get it to stop. I look at Viktor and watch him instead and try to put all my focus on him. Maybe I just need reassurance that my mate is here. Maybe I just need reassurance that the men in the dreams I had were just figments of my imagination. That Saul was far away from me and this man in front of me is my true mate. When Viktor was done he helped me out and dried me off and turned so I could change into some sweatpants and a t-shirt that he had bought me. I went to hold him again. I needed contact. I had this need for my mate. VIktor seemed to sense this as he held me for a second before lifting me up. I wrapped my legs around his hips as he carried me out of the medical room. He just kept walking and walking until we finally reached our room.
"I think we should just relax, yeah?" He asked as he petted my hair. I nodded my head. I wasn't tired so to speak, but my whole existence was wanting to be washed away. I felt like I am being held underwater, like Viktor is what I can cling to right now, the only thing that I can be sure is real and certain. He is my rock right now. It's as if there is an one hundred pound anchor tied to my feet trying to pull me down underwater, but Viktor is the only one pulling it up. He put me on the bed and turned on the TV before climbing in with me. He pulled me so my head was on his chest as he held me.
A action movie was playing with gun shots and loud noises in the background as I played with Viktors hair and watched him. Not ten minutes after the film started, he was dead asleep. I was guessing he hadn't slept much considering. I looked back at the TV. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for awhile. But I felt at least a little comfort from his arms. Even if just a little. I sighed and laid my head on his chest and watched the movie. Then the movie after that, and the movie after that, and the one after that. By the time the sun started shining through the curtains I was still awake and sleep deprived. It was seven and Viktor was still asleep and I decided to make breakfast. It is one thing I can do since I caused Viktor to worry so much. I slipped from his grasp and walked to the kitchen. No one was there. I was a bit confused considering it was breakfast time, but I paid no mind. I grabbed everything I needed to make an amazing breakfast in bed for Viktor. I was almost all finished and was only making the rest of the eggs when I felt Viktor wake up and instantly I felt him start to enter my mind. Before I could even blink the walls in my mind shut him out completely. I do not know if it was a defense mechanism or not, but I do know that every dream I had when in the comatose state was still fresh in my mind, and he did not need to know the details. If he knew I did not know how he would react. I do not think I could deal with him being angry at me. Not over something like that. I had no control over it. I was so focused on my thoughts that I did not even smell the burning of the eggs until a hand wrapped around mine to take the scorched eggs away from the fire and flame that it was creating. I squealed and jumped back. I heard the fire alarm and smelled the smoke. Viktor put the pan in the sink and drenched it in water. When the fire was out he opened the windows and grabbed a towel and started to wave it around until the alarms relented and went back to being silent.
Viktor walked over to me and grabbed my upper arms and looked over my face and body.
"Are you okay? Why didn't you get it away from the fire sooner?" He questioned with heavy concern in his voice.
"I don't really know, I just was too deep in thought, I didn't know what was happening."
"Why did you leave this morning and then block me out when I woke up? After what happened I thought you ran off again. You scared me," He said as he pulled me closer in his arms. "Don't do that angel. Not after what happened."
To be honest I forgot about our fight. I don't even care anymore. I know it is wrong to go back into the small shell I was in before I met Viktor, but I didn't know what else I could do. I just do not want to upset him, and the only way I knew how to do that was to be submissive, that is the only way right?
"I am sorry for running away, I had no right to argue with you in the first place, it was wrong and childish of me, forgive me? Please?" I ask in a quiet voice.
He leaned back and held me at arms length shaking his head. "No Angel, it was not your fault. I took my anger and insecurities out on you, you had every right to be pissed off and walk away, you had every right to take time to yourself."
"I made you bed in breakfast to try and make up for the burden that I have been," I said as if I hadn't heard him. His eyes squinted as if confused. "I hope that you will forgive me. I did not mean to make you go out of your way for me," I said and looked to my feet. I am lucky he didn't beat me when I woke up, Spike would have probably killed one of the kids if I ran away from him. I am lucky to have a mate like Viktor. I have no idea why he was trying to take the blame.
"Angel, what are you talking about? Are you okay?"
"I am perfectly fine, it's just-" I say as I look up, but instead of seeing Viktor I see Saul and I look back at my feet.
"I am sorry for disobeying, I will receive any punishment you deem reasonable," I say. My head hurts. I do not know why. I feel like I want to take all those words back, but I know that if I do I'll get beat or even get one of the kids beat. I don't want that, not after what just happened. But what was I so afraid of? I couldn't remember. My head was exploding in pain, but I stood there with my face down until sparks ran up my neck. Sparks? What is going on? Why do I feel sparks. I look up and see Viktors face as he is talking to me. And my brain stops pounding and all I hear is the rushing of blood in my ears as I remember everything. I shake my head to shake all my thoughts. I won't be put back in my shell. I do not know what is trying to put me back into my timeout corner, but I will not go there. I close my eyes and hold my head as I fight my internal battle.
"Something is wrong with me," I say as I finally come to all my senses. I look at Viktor and his striking blue eyes strike mine as someone enters the room.
"Alpha, I came here. I heard screaming, is everything all right?" Said a girl my age that I have never met before. I saw Viktor close his eyes and pull me tighter to him as he let out an angry breath. He kissed my forehead.
"Your assistance is not needed Ravana," Viktor says as my jaw drops open.
"Ravana?" I squeek out. My mind went back to what Bremen said.
"That's me, I was just trying to make sure everything was in order, since it is I will leave you and her alone," She said in an overly sweet voice. She sounded so nice. I hugged Viktor closer. We heard footsteps go away before Viktor spoke.
"I think you need to start talking little mate," He said as he caressed my face.
"I think I am okay now, really. My mind just wasn't mine at the moment. Maybe it was just a side effect from the hypothermia. Who knows, but I am good now, I promise," I said. And I was. I am back to the right state of mind, yet there was a new voice in my head. One that told me Viktor was no better than Spike, one that told me that Bremen was right. One that was saying that I should just go. Is this doubt? Or is this something else entirely?