Punching Bags and Beauty Sleep
"I don't want to talk about it," I said to Viktor as he asked me for the hundredth time today.
"Why can't you tell me why? Why are you blocking me out? Why aren't you sleeping? What is going on, I can't help you if you don't talk to me," He said pleadingly as my hand smashed into the punching bag that I have been punching practically non-stop for the past few days. I am sure it was even laughable to other people, to see a one hundred and twenty-pound girl punching a punching bag. But it was the only thing getting through my own thoughts.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said as I stopped taking my frustration out on the poor bag full of sand and went to where my water bottle and took a swig.
"Then at least come to bed, it's two in the morning. You haven't slept in two days, not since the breakfast incident," He said as he grabbed my arms and spun me around. Little did he know I was having those moments all the time. Lapses in time where I would forget that Viktor saved me and was putting me on the right track in order to become a true luna, his luna. My packs Luna, the orphan's luna. But for now, the only thing I know is real is the punching bag. "Please little one, you have not slept. You may be closing the bond but I know your exhausted,"
He was right. I was dead tired. But every time I closed my eyes I saw him, and then I had to repeat my own monologue. You are not the same Allison, you have a mate and a place you belong, you have orphan kids that need your help, you have a pack to save. But sometimes it wasn't enough. And if that wasn't enough of a burden, I see Ravana everyday now. She was so damn nice that I couldn't hate her. She helped me cook for Viktor and she always asked if I needed anything. Although from what I could tell she didn't have a thing for Viktor, if anything she avoids him. She always leaves before he comes in. I mean it has only been two days. But with her black hair and doe brown eyes, she was as pretty and innocent as it comes, even if she was a warrior, I didn't think she would hurt a fly.
Something inside of me was trying to make me feel less than her, it was like someone was on my shoulder telling me I would never be better than she was and I would never be good enough for Viktor. It was a content voice that was not my own. It drove me insane. I didn't want to burden Viktor with my insecurities. Let alone with my dreams. He may feel bad about leaving me stuck in my own mind then. He didn't deserve that. But with all this pressure on the inside, what happened when Bremen fought me resurfaced. I had something inside of me that wanted to fight. Wanted to throw someone on their asses. So I started working out for hours a day. Viktor didn't like it, but I did not have a choice.
"I can't sleep Viktor. No matter how much I try," I say as I look at him.
"Then at least come to lay down with me, come on. I miss you," He said as he pulled me closer and kissed my nose.
"You see me every day," I said as I laughed at his statement.
"That is not enough my beautiful mate," He said as he started running his hands down my sides. He leaned in but before he could meet my lips I turned. I know I have been evading him, but I felt so guilty from my nightmares, the ones that have become daydreams. Ones that I see with my eyes open. I look up and start walking to the door.
"Are you coming, Viktor?" I ask innocently as I turn towards him. His blue eyes were intense as he looked at me. I smiled a bit as he started walking towards me. He lifted me up and started carrying me bridal style.
"If you didn't need sleep you would so be in trouble right now," He grumbled under his breath. I just sighed and relaxed in his arms. I didn't dare close my eyes other than to blink, any longer and I would lose the progress that I have made since coming to the gym a few hours ago. My hand went up to his cheek as I felt my eyes drooping from no sleep for days. But before I could close them I heard a noise and turned my head. Standing there in the hall was Spike. I practically jumped out of Viktors arms and rushed behind him and held the back of his shirt. Viktors stance tensed but looked confused. He looked to where I was looking then back to me. "Whats wrong angel? Did something frighten you?" He asked as he turned in my hold. He wrapped his arms around my waist. But I couldn't look at him. I was looking at spike who was holding my muzzle. The muzzle he put on me when I spoke too much even when I barely spoke at all. It pinched your top and bottom lip together and made it impossible to talk. Spike even put needles into the base of the neck collar of it so if he wanted me to obey without question he would pull the muzzle by its leash and the needles would prick my neck. It would heal quickly but it was painful none the less. Viktor looked back to where I was looking and then turned to me and put his hands on my cheeks and made me look at him. I felt a sharp pain in the back of my mind as his blue eyes dug into my soul. I felt the walls that had been up in my mind tumble down as if he brought a sledgehammer to it. My head was pounding as he forced himself into my head. Deep down I wanted him to know what I couldn't tell him myself. I wanted him to know what I was too ashamed to admit. I had been keeping to myself for days and if it was as painful to him as it was to me, then I am glad he broke down the walls in my mind.
It was like a burden was lifted as I fell into his arms. I leaned on him and put my head on his shoulder. I let him dig through the days and let him find out the reason I have been avoiding him and blocking him out. I let him do it all because he deserved to know what I dared to think, what I dared to even think he would do. I knew he wouldn't leave me, not forever at least. Mates were for life, and even if we had not even taken the first step in the mating process yet, he couldn't leave me, could he?
He could the voice inside my head said. He will. It said as I felt a shiver down my spine but suddenly the voice was gone and Viktors voice replaced it.
"No I won't," He said as he picked me up again and carried me the rest of the way towards the room. I was so tired. So desperate to sleep. With my mind being open to his I felt safe. Safe from the nightmares plaguing me. "Good, you should feel safe." He said with finality.
"You're not mad at me," I ask in a low whisper. He sounded so calm.
"Oh I'm furious, very very very enraged, love," he said while laying me down on the bed. But before I could get a word out he caressed my cheek gently and looked me in the eyes, "But not with you, never with you," He said as he kissed my forehead. My eyes were drooping and I didn't think I could hold off sleep any longer. "Then don't little one," He said while sliding into the bed with me and holding me to his chest. I smiled a bit.
"Nosy as always," I said as I felt the darkness taking me down.
"Beautiful as always" He replied as I faded into the darkness.