My lantern goes deep into the oceans and comes right at the other end and there are not many people out to get me is there? When love is dying or is near death there are the death pangs awaiting the woman who is feeding them all. I feed the pigeons whenever I am low it is a point of honour that I must feed everyone because if I did not feed everything even beasts which are hellish for me and I have a phobia of but must feed them not on them but just give them food for they are the things which mother said must and should live and not me.
Not much happens when one does not succeed does it? But you know when one looks underneath the microscope there are so many things and beasts and all that happening that it is like it is another world most weird is it not?
Some come in and get out down the river and shot down dead. Not much happened after that. The president’s mother found the president a wife who she said he deserved. How to say no in different languages as she had remarried. They did not only destroy that mother son relationship but it made her not welcome into the ministry.
Who is this and where does it happen? This is Turkey at the turn of the 1920’s not the most elegant times but I thought I would go over the beginning in order to make it known where the feel good factor comes from.
“No son I can’t make the ordeal.” Said the mother with her cheese.
“I will send you some cheese that way we can’t argue.”
“Yes them cheese he looked forward to it went with drink.”
“He could not eat anything other than that.”
“Cheese increased his appetites and fed him.”
“His mother grew concerned her boy was dying? Well it must be serious when he wants to see me and asks for me beside him. What is the matter with my son the healthy son who was sent down for being beastly?”
“I will send him some more cheese as he does not like my husband and I in there without the man would make me randy as a goat.”
He said he deserved such ill equipped wife. Yes she knew all those languages now a culture minister. I do not know why he thought his mother would find him the ideal wife when he and she did not and had not spoken a word to each other. She had remarried.
The factories did not work the workers went to other countries because there was no work. The universities did not make it happen they did not do education. In there was nothing spent nothing spent after many years there was not much happiness. The only thing was the banks were made.
We did not put any money in the banks we came without funds to see the solace of the familiar sights. I meant not the traffic jams with the haunting sounds.
“Bloody get out of my way.”
“Bloody shut downs here.”
“Shouting at me for?”
“The wife is in labour”
“In the exchange of labour?”
“No she is going to give birth?”
“To a baby?”
“No to a goat? Of course to a baby?”
“Hello who is the father?”
They did a lot of money. You see the only thing in Turkey is banks. What a good idea they only have banks with banks inside them banks what is there? Nobody knows. It is not in the hospitals it is not in the housing because the homes did not rebuild. Well what happened to them? There are banks working.
Many people had to migrate in order to feed the banks money. So the constant work forces all round the world. You see nothing gets into the banks otherwise. If it was not for the likes of us the army would not have got airplanes renewed at all.
We did the banks in when we went to Germany in order to feed the banks with our money otherwise we all bankrupt our spouses and all the family not affluent and we so sorry but that was how we saved Turkey from such a ordeals of bad management and bad war and groping things which took us in besides the things which we saw aboard made us smarter at home.
But they did not love us not the Europeans and mostly we stayed in our closed circles of members and did not venture out except to work. Now there are a closeted clan with names such as John or Joss or something but they not that.
But that is in England and they do not have the same sort of a deal. Kiss your mother’s hand and every Christmas we go driving along to kiss our mothers hand. It is very nice because if we do not kiss our mothers hand and drive the traffic to a standstill it would not be Christmas would it?
My dear son or daughter come back another time traffic is dangerous kiss my hand another time.”
“No I must come and kiss your hand I must do this it is such a good handsome hand.”
“Due to them driving over from Germany to kiss my hand they all died in a terrible accident.”
After such an incredible heroic war to be fought and now not the sorry things which we would never have. 1,000 children trying to kiss their mothers hand in the same moment which caused road traffic and that meant they now died without issue and made off to their relatives their estates so many beneficiaries. So when due to traffic jams do not go on the Ramadan to kiss your father or mothers hand because it is due to these things which cause the very incidents go to an air port and that might be better. What gets me is that the tourists are not affected by that sort of thing when they are on holiday no traffic jams and they all okay.
So the tourist not inclined to go into traffic jams?
These are our children no more? Yes we are abnormally sensitive souls. Our soul searching in this world is to be so much better off than the worse. Sensitivity our middle name and our maiden names are the children.
Passport control does not know who to give the clean bill of health and the vets been on call since day break doing the herds injections. For they give milk. Milk makes cheese and that is good for the restaurants they give us money and they also feed school kids so that they may go to school and make their life work. They can study in their world and make nice remarks and remarkable achievements and take on the good with the bad and make their exams work for them.
Yes we are modest with our whims. We play the card games to such an extent we love being proper and with the wealth and indecency is not our way. We behave like anyone else we help the most fortunate and leave the others to themselves. Children we must have per family more children so we can increase these splendid beings. This is a youthful nation and anyone over the average, thrown out to the streets. Urchin’s filth and good for not much else, anyone for more sherry?
“Don’t go and kiss your mother’s time when they are all in the traffic jams.”
That them children are what? And this is a society who loves children has the best child care in the world is the one who has Christmas especially for the children? Animals have the rights not those children? That snubbed us did not we try ourselves to find ways to make ourselves fit into homes?
Mess said it was about that the jams the best jams in the world that is just about managing the jams and more of the same.
You see just about managing to live and make the work pay is the thing which we all have in common now the disasters are the things which we figured out no end. Why does Mrs Hussein not have anyone at home when her husband is out? Well ask her not me.
When she marries her Hussein next day he walks to work to feed his Mrs with the delights of food as she has to take what it is goodness from his laboured hand. His labourer’s hand which she has condescended to honour with. When she marries her Hussein because he the smartest of the lot in the lottery.
When she marries her Mr Hussein she is the wife to be seen with. That is when she stays indoors. She indoors to make her homespun test the sweet delights with. When she the little woman. The waif?
By damned Gods she nothing of the sort.
“When she married him for what??”
“Why did she marry me?”
“What does she want from me?”
“After all I am a simple man.”
“I know I am right a woman is virtue. A woman is full of the goodness of milk not like this one the milked. I had given my penis if not truth that would make me disobey the marriage vows. The mating seasons are so good reminds me of them French brothels. Otherwise what is the point of her the purpose in her?”
“I am not a prostitute not into that sort of thing.”
“Woman did I say you are?”
“I did not remember your birthday.”
“Which one did you remember?”
“I can’t remember.”
“I have remembered your birthday my child.”
“I can’t remember a happier one.”
“My dear child it is very difficult to be so naive.”
“Yes mother I want to be naive.”
“Life is so strange it is startling what one is and what one needs.”
“I have everything here mummy,”
“I must to wash your feet honey but there is nothing I can do to make a difference there is nothing else for me here the life is spent it is over this is the only choice left.”
“No more stitching pet. Just leave your trousseau alone and go and do something else.”
“Mummy I am to get wed to the fine gentleman he is going to ask me today.”
The hen night was over the remains were clearly not one of worship or even honour but pure debauchery.
That mummy was some sort of waif no more and that she had let herself down was plain as the screaming child which she left to starve clearly testified. Poor Z why she leaves it to starve her never did her anything she loved mummy why?
“That is what she is that is what she has become and you?”
“What me?” I felt so uncomfortable as if saw my future in her and left it there that my future was somehow going to be hers.
The thing was easy over easy there is nothing but premonitions and omens and then saw it in her eyes I did not have to do anything my fate was clear to every one of them.
“Where did you see him?”
“I do not know what you talking about it is not my fault what could I have done went looking for Z and would not let me in said she was being cared for so ate Z’s food and daddy there you see he should have given her a talking to.”
“He is talking to father.”
“But before not now it is too late now the woman has absconded not paying rent the landlord said so.”
“Do not blush my dear do not blush,” said his wife.
A wife who has laid him an egg from another man from the man next door to them. It was an act of love not one of necessity because the first one was one for gain but this second child was never going to be his own. This is the good woman who has no other interests then him and has nobody else to make do with but with him.
When she had married to get wed and be sexy with a man. Now she in sweetness delights and sighs to see him with the food on the table the dinner in the oven the good sense with and she and he now delighted with each other to such an extent they have extended their family by having a daughter after many tries.
“He still want to increase his seed and so has invited this other man in to make him complete with.”
“I know the type very well he is not very fulsome but the thing it is a disaster round a young girl. My own girl child. No way to thank him without? I must do something to make his wedded life not right.”
“Don’t mess around when mating with this woman she is like a clown she will clot your lifestyle.”
“Invitations sorted then the girl runs off with the Mess who has just been born.”
“I meant the man who had the funeral parlour and increasingly buried me or something.”
Gold took the child and did not love children after that she wanted them all dead.
You know the story so far was the mother has an illegitimate child and then says it is her eleven year old daughter’s then the daughter is harassed and harmed then she kills eight of her children and mates with a man who sits on the child called the daughter from a previous relationship otherwise no harm done.
Eight children dead and nobody said a word?
Snakes alive child of course not because it happened naturally the snakes took the children the snakes were in the fields and Gold went to the open field to do her toilet when the snake just struck. You see it is that simple killing a two year old.
Nobody knew at all because the woman called Gold could have left the child in the kitchen or the house but she choice to leave it in the open fields to go to do her toilet in. No outside toilet in them days you see.
In which hell brothels are the sheer shame. We are now pedestrian crawling within our own back yard. Low class whores common class of being crass. We do not do it with our mothers. This is common mockeries. We do not marry whores.
“Dad married a whore you know.”
“Did he bring it over from some Cosmo?”
“The bitches on heat.”
“Then the pimp discovered that he could make more for the lads.”
“The lads of course they pay more for boys.”
“We wasted our time having all the girls.”
The new thing is to marry into prostitution and have it pay the likes of the gentry and all that her breath smells.
“Daddy I am sorry.”
“New food and drink?”
“You see all these men from other parts without any women we thought they wanted women but no they want boys. We got boys have we not?”
“Don’t mess around so behave.”
“Daddy what now what have I done now?”
“Mess we got boys do not we?”
“I think therefore I want.”
“I have a few laying around
“We want this one.”
“What is the cause of the common cold?”
“The Morris marina coming to take away her great granddaughter.”
“I’ve been kidnapped.”
“It is the worst thing that can happen to a girl to be kidnapped and then come back a month later glowing.”
“What is the reasonable cause of a doubt?”
“She went to do further education and was caught in bed with the man in charge who had the acting skills and then swept her off to the lands of nowhere when he could not sell her because of her youth brought her back.”
“He has benefited from the same schooling in order to catch her while young.”
“We can’t be too careful.” Said grandmother to them all the whole pack of the wives agog what the mistress was going to do about the situation that the Goddess of spick and span should be so caught out.
“But he did not touch me he said he healthy he did not touch me.” said the maid but nobody remembered that you see when she said something she meant it not the other way round but her reputation was lost she was indeed a lost soul.
“The slave driver has driven them all mad.” Slave driver was Ati the monster of them all. Who is the fairest is not that word but the word is who is the most vicious and the monstrosity of them all.
“I think Ati did not love her?”
“Nobody thinks about my nerves.”
“Why what is the matter with you all?”
“I don’t envy her.” Said some.
“She deserves what she is going to get the woman is a dogma to social graciousness when she is nearby the conned do not know it until she is gone.”
“She never conned me I paid regularly for my debts.”
“That is what she does wool gathers.”
“Look she’s a lady.”
“When her ladyship was a lady was when her husband was alive now she is a mere widow.”
“A pack of devils will eat you all entire.”
“She is not hearing well but soon will come and take away your last cent.”
“Fucking going on there I hear.”
“Her husband has died?”
“No not yet he just left for his club.”
“Good as dead he is a diabetic.”
“Well club food should do it.”
“He had to travel to England then he was sent over to pick up the goodies which would make the herd instinct sober sides.”
“Disown her disfigure her then make her a slave.”
“We disown her disfigured her and now she is mad.”
He did the cuckold. He is a cuckold. We will make sure he knows it true.
Him with the lowest of IQ’s we will feed with the harem the same girls’ night out only younger and more educational crass but like us. We now into travels so we can whirl and dine on each other’s houses instead of doing it at the palace as this is in tatters. The carpets have to be swept and dried.
“Think of our husband?”
“No she is outside but not with her?”
“Who is he with?”
“His brother in law.”
“That is nice the chickens are in the hen house locked.”
“It is useful to know where we are at now.”
“The kitchen is on fire.”
“We have our wits about us.”
“Did my chickens escape I am keeping on losing them.”
“Look Ati they eat all my crops.”
“They do no harm.”
“But they take my food,” Said Gold.
“Why what has happened?”
“Did you not give him the remote control?”
“Where is the television?”
Life is easier now because the only thing that is upsetting in the entire house. Is remote control who handles the remote control is a major area of contention because if one wants to use the television which is not reprogramming.
We are now into programming our homes so if we lose the remote control we have to make do without the whole house?
That can be very dangerous. The moment remote control gets in cricket can happen and golf.
“You can start saying the worst words ever until blue in the face.”
“My face is wet with tears.”
“What happiness to know that something upset her is it honey?”
“I am not popular with anybody.”
“Not like my daddy or even my mum.”
“Certainly not like your mum now behave how about your grandmother Ati?”
“She hated me.”
“Replaced by that other one called Gold because I thought that was what she deserved as the reality of behaving like a cad.”
“Why replace and lie like that?”
“I can’t remember in the past too far back.”
We share bath time we share our women and husbands. We share our food and our mothers and our in laws except our inheritance money which we are now waiting to inherit. As the parents are older than they used to be.
She can hurt more than a man could ever. She hits me like a sock she is so strong she hurts my very bones.
My bones ache so.
“We must make her less strong.”
Like it or not we are not behaving right in this world there are many rights to be made more right and many wrongs to undo but there is no time to do them in. Many share the point of view that happiness is living simply or richly there must be something in between. That revenge cannot benefit anyone but the other side.
“Yes that way we can contain it.”
Revenge is a matter of doubts and indecision and about the human weakness and why should someone who had the whoops done to it behave as they should do behave weakly? I mean to be stronger than anyone so that I can do what I must do and not be weakling at all.
And now we do not control the remote control that is when evil seeps inside the house and takes away our calm and contented selves we behave as we are desperate.
I am never going to be desperate again.
We have been waiting for the inheritance money for years so we know exact amounts to cater for when we do inherit. We had a look round the books in keeping with our good sense and advance mathematics. Well that does not work at all because people are so mean they mean to be mean they do not like me at all beaver away to inherit what their worth my father did not even own I was his legal child so why is that why should anyone else care about me when my dad my own flesh and blood never did?
No one likes to give we all love to receive and that is a fact a man is a man and he is duller than ever and he will never change and there is nothing the matter with him of course he loves beautiful enchanting women and he can have them all of them.
We have worked out all the amounts in decimals and centimetres and have not informed anyone but to make the add on and discounts and all that we know what we are worth a lot more money than sense.
“We thought about the gay bar first.”
“We were the ones with the original idea.”
“The thing is to have a gay brothel.”
I told my mother’s mother to make a brothel and they did but mother said a gay one should be better.
“Good idea. No need for the ladies chattering like magpies.”
“Noise kept me up late nights.”
“Now we do the business in silence and the deed is done and off we go.”
Now they are not talking as my innocence precious to them.
“Lads lads it is the best thing in the world. No talking now.”
“Speech let us stop speaking silence for a moment”?
“Silence over rated now more talking.”
“No speaking parts.”
“The lads are quietly spoken they do not know Turkish.”
“We do son of bitch.”
“We will get you.”
“Lads no violence I am the official police here.”
Back in the bird cage, oh of course birds that are like me grandmother had to be caged. She now enslaved to her husband who did not know how to make her happy. Hates seep in slowly the poisons become gaseous and consume them who breath the very air stank of vile deeds.
Gas has happened someone has gone and farted.
“He hangs his head at the very sight of me yet he wants to stay married to me?”
“These are the deeds to my heart.”
“No one wants but thanks.”
“He does not even know me has not even sufficient time for the likes of me said homespun clothes would make me sober and sane.”
He did not know why he married her. He did not know what to make of her former career he did not know why?
“Why did he marry his Rachel?”
“To be with her daddy and Rachel were involved in love.”
“Oh sweet surrenders brilliant times had been well done music industry.”
“Yes passions can go mad.”
“Love is like a jelly.”
“How they shook it like it or not then the bucks went and took hold of him.”
“My said it all.”
“Then it melted.”
Ice melts and so does jelly I began to wobble-wobble along and then more wobble along.
Their low end of wits, whatever is the matter with me is that I had been a generous girl when swimming in the river and this is now. A low creature without much fortune and a low fortitude unable to bear anything or anyone near the house; in sheer total chaos of behaving like a prisoner. Now I am eaten bit by bit by the sense of injustice and go seek but justice for the likes of me and my own. “Who do you think you are an hero you are? A mere nothing, a nobody without a family that has a name.”
I find laughter mockeries they are all thinking me shame. A shared bounty me, a shared bounty now the awfulness of being this woman wanton not even a husband who owns me.
“Or was it the other?”
“The plot thickens.”
“I mean no harm but the child did run away with the donkey.”
“This has been cast away aside there is nobody which had been outside the window.”
“That makes it very suspect.”
But everyone runs away and the parents discover the plot or the child and reasonably deal with the damn girl and the boy in question but that is it and nothing bad then happens what became of childhood what did become of that in case of Rachel they all went mad.
“Rachel was a whore.”
“How did she become one?”
“We can demonstrate for you if you like?”
“Well that would be kind.”
They have been demonstrating ever since.
Now I lock the rooms everyone at night and hold scissors in sight in case they creep in the night coming for me. Lanterns okay, Fine. But find me a brighter light a new light to follow and I will follow the damn thing but there is nobody who gives me such a bright light as that lantern.
“I wondered if there was someone else on the front of the donkey but nobody said.”
“That is very worrying.”
“He did not see her at all. Which was cruelly demonstrated when he swung with her over the chandeliers and made off with the balcony scenes and reminded himself of Michael Jackson.”
“No he did not look unwell.”
“We have the Speech speaking to us all.”
“No need for German.”
This is mother a simple woman who kept the laundry within. This is the man who makes me smile she said delighted with him. He the joker in the pack when he had the pack herds within? When there is a man who wants a fresh wife.
He meant chicks dear.
“No he meant fresh.”
“From what source dear did the river come and when it flowed where did go?”
“I do not know.”
“Why not did not you have a fresh wife?”
“She might come popping in the doorstep any moment creating havoc on the carpet.”
“I do not need this in the morning.”
Ati said truthfully she sent her husband to his club where he is quite comfortable until unexpectedly he died because he over indulged. She said very plainly he had the gout or something. Did she mean the goat?
“No use to use your ear plugs with.”
“What matters is maturity.”
“Well it is pornography is it not?”
“Well meant advice never leave your man at the club he might become engaged.
“He died in a serious scandal.”
“We are never in love?”
“How did it happen?”
“His love life took control died with a under aged girl who gave him a bar of chocolate I mean and he a diabetic.”
“Love life is fulfilled.”
“You always were a bad story teller.”
“How are the psychos doing?”
“Yes fine they also have psychos in their family what an odd ball they are.”
“I meant no harm?”
“Why adopt them all?”
“Families should stick together.”
“Like sticky toffee?”
“Well why does it always?”
“You mean talk?”
“I am lonely with the jaw stopping thinking.”
“Seriously thinking is bad for you.”
“I did not think you would notice there are fine lines underneath my forehead and all that it is worrying me.”
“But I notice everything you do.”
“Yes it is here and there.”
“Except when I am with somebody else I cover the lines because I am animated and add to my youthful appearance.”
“How frequent a visitor were you in that house?”
“Which one I go to several difficult houses.”
“You know Ati with the interesting son and daughter in law?”
“Every day we meet them tell me something new.”
“Which they frequent this place as the day.”
“So he has huge gaps in his knowledge and he never can sit for longer than ten minutes so we are not sorry to seek him out and discuss his special privileges being removed.”
“Slow tortures when he is within the nursing skills in hospital when he thinks he a smooth hustler and the nursing staff explain to him what medicine to take in ten minute interval. He into this beastly self. He is a twirl.
He has been on the phone with them nursing discussing in fine detail when to be medicated. Which medicine to take with his other stuff, his meds as he is known to say to me. When he got his DVD’s which he wanted to watch cut with a scissor he was most put out. It is my daddy now ill or something? Did I not understand? What had happened? The cocktail he was saying was deadly. What was the meaning of that was he doing experiments on himself?
“I always came round for breakfast which you cooked?”
“It was my mother who cooked your breakfasts. She said you paid more than anyone else and she loved money and still is attached to it. She would say let me cook him breakfast then you can cook for the other customers. I had no choice they had more number of breakfasts in one day and I was working in a job which said plain as plain the more you cook the more in the till.”
“So mummy cooked you breakfast then when you left she left the job.”
“It was not worthy of her notice anymore.”
“So daddy nearly got raped for this?”
“Yes he had no knees to hug himself with his first wife had it out and then mum had gone off the idea and so my daddy and me shook up with the fears.”
“He gave his bracelet and we hoped it would pave the way for a escape. As they said he had it coming for him.”
“As he had been found out this was not nice to say as we always had mice.”
“Even the palace has the mice.”
“But never mind they said we would die for it.”
“Yes they said Wolfe getting paint on his sued was the very least he had and I should join in the carnage.”
“So we had the shook up. The hairdresser had the shop in order to close it when dad came round for an appointed hair do.”
“Then he over run his razors and we all knew.”
“I had to go out and do something to pay for the mortgage and the debts incurred the heaters were not working the roof was leaking we had been run out.”
“We had to do something so sorry the haste is on the odd balls are coming.”
“We were not doing anything but waiting.”
“We were wilting with the fears.”
“When a woman has gone to watch movies and left us alone with the debts and sent round her brother to clean the household of the litters the gutters and bills.”
Because I sat on my looks and spoilt her devoted fan club which meant her shagging the great movie star you can’t won’t believe the legendary yes it had not happened. I meant no harm towards my looks the indignity is it took me so long to louse it up,
I mean the looks that are the looks. It made me cry to see myself in the mirror but then it is not worth it. Here? So it has to become not here? If you only know what I mean by all this the terrible folly that we all became. Then it took its toil the customers thoughtfully said they would not be served by someone who looked like me.
“What has changed?”
“What has changed?”
No one saw us clanging our chains in Cyprus nobody saw us at all.
“The chains, noise clangs and the chains when mankind spoils the broths which are not meant for their own consumptions.”
“What were they supposed to have done?”
“They could have done something to have stopped it all.”
“That they were not even noticing that they gave tactic approval sent us all insane.”
Oh they were there to protect you all from the actual bodily harm why go into morality because you all had a different God so they could not interfere with that custom and all manners of that place.
“Why come at all?”
“We must all be served the same broth?”
“Yes we are into group B no we are into A.”
“How many men or women must change one light switch?”
“I mean seek the jobs one does.”
“I mean how many of you can change one switch in this step ladder try how many can go on at the same time?”
“No need to rush into thinking.”
The options being well there was nothing to it. I mean the mirror mirrored on the wall and the walls crumbling onto me we had to do some brain work. I taken no heed but then there was not much else to sell so having the bracelet at least then something would be paid for. The leaky ceiling the things which do not work.
Then my blissfully happy sister B she would could give me a thousand and a half to have the deeds included in her name. My house. The very house I now would own. My only collateral my only secure place. I mean what happiness to be included in her raw deals? What happiness to bring her into this place to make and rob me too?
Take this and that one has taken on too much of everyone else’s shares of the jobs. I meant no harm when I thought to make their life well and able. Now there is no need to be here anymore because everyone I had ever known is now no more.
Nobody such as this is here anymore. Nobody like that lives here any longer. There is nothing like that in this place nothing like her is there anymore. The beasts are here telling me where I belong and it is here with the likes of the people who robbed us. They robbed me of my childhood and all that now they are robbing me of something called reasonable securities they have no more to say to me because it is me they disown more than any other living being for telling the truth. By these animals because of differences in custom and religion who caved us in. It is awkward? I am freaking out sincerity and honesty is not the thing. In the night time it freaks out the spelling of the truth. No place for the night.
Freaks of their pornographically sexy acts which spells the good times we are having the Halloweens all year round. This is evil under a different brand name? It is as if shopping evil under many brands. The consumers that we are; we consume another brand that is new evil. The devil wears Prada.
“These days it is you spent money so you are in less credit.”
“That means we must show you how to spend your money.”
“To take care of your income and to earn the money in the first place we did not want to do that sort of thing not us.”
“To make you secure and happy was our aim we kept the empire going we made so many people happy but that little Island not happiness and content?”
“Every Island is not the same.”
I meant no harm when me began the chicken runs and this is fox and this is the beings. Benedictions we now feel swell.
Anyway bliss when me dead but the thing is there is not much cash? Oh mother forgets the money the moment it is in her bank account. She does not like to be reminded of it. I do not know what her condition is but it is a illness which not much can cure. It can cause permanent damage to her sensibility and make her lose her sleep. Being driven by mad things and demoniac plagues which are the very torments of hell.
That is what it means to her to spend her money.
When a man has to get married to a virgin when he a man he in bed with her who had someone so great within? He did not match him in any way he no match for that great dude. He was a simple man who had to slave in order to labour. So she makes him rich and he destroys the banks to be rid of her name.
The greatest woman who ever lived and loved and was the armies within the mascot who did walk away with the gold. She made the banks in Cyprus. She went and gave the husband the ideas; which he followed slave like. This is when he made the mint of money. He made a mint of course. He so rich he grew rich on the spoils of her knowledge. Then fled from that know how.
The first banker in Cyprus was a money lender who became a banker. The properties he had in his profile and all that mattered to him and if he disappointed or disapproved of some man or family he would take away their assets. The man who made the rich spoils of the spoilt then he gave in to his bad debts. He did not think twice. He wanted to try his wife try her after 33 years of marriage.
Marriage is hell married to his sort is the hells that said it we are what we are but purity is the thing which wears like a shade. I am the jade. I am the jade. He has become jaded with his designs I am the jade.
“Wear this little satin my dear and we may- go- off- out-. I do not mind if men ogle you.”
“If man you ogled me I will put you aside and tell my husband.”
“Yes it is sure fun that way.”
“If we had the numbers right at this discounted store.”
“Yes it can make us dance away.”
There are marriages that can last for a life time; and marriages that you can do without. Married life is not what it is. This is in the house with a fool. But who we are fond of him but he is a fool. A foolish man he thinks of himself as the master of his universe. He will somehow eat me alive then call me something.
It is in our universe this failure of communication when someone is begging for help what does the other person do? Well I am in a hurry and must call you see calling someone not now and there is not enough time not now this is urgent this is important it is the very call for me I am sorry what did you say and why is that girl looking not the thing ask her PA and see if she needs anything. You see it is the hate filled man who does not care anymore but does not know it. The thing to do is to make allowance for such behaviour.
I did I was very young I made allowance for such behaviour and when he finally flipped his casket over board I was the last one to share in his grief and his real sympathy for me. But the thing is one cannot live on sympathy but he has plenty of it but that one cannot live on but he has more than enough sympathy and he wants me to have his sympathy and if I do not want his sympathy then he will draw a bunch of flowers for me.
Most of the billionaire marriages end in divorce or they mate and marry woman like his wife and that means something for them because that kind of woman knows how to cash the checks. The failure of such men are that they do not know what they have are over the top and they are like Donald Trump and have nothing to offer but good business deals.
So they give you a idea and to do that you have to go through ropes in order to get to someplace else and if you fail them ropes you are no longer able to be given the money or his time. It is like catch 22 if you pay them they want the money if not they don’t like to work? Of course I love to work but what I dislike is that I am never rewarded by him he is still drawing me flowers and giving her diamonds and she in fact said which she prefers.
Now there is this other old man sat in front of his computer will not go out and is staying there will not holiday will never get money is old and getting older by the day. I am sorry there is nothing there for me from him because I am used to better things even passion so he can get along with being that odd and me can end in the sewer like I am able to be.
“Anything wrong with that?” asked this man in the chair.
We lived and now about to dine somewhere else and the eggs can be hatched without him sat on them.
I almost always used to come round for breakfast then discovered she had not been cooking the breakfast and sent me over to Hawaii. I mean them Californian girls. Were very nice so I have heard he had Havre cigars too. Congo dancing meant him had the best Congo dancers ever. The best palaces are home sprung, He was last found to be in somewhere known as the rocky mountain with rock climbers as the duo.
He is dancing with death and there is no stopping the death throes of my love for him.
Never go back to someone one has hurt and had been involved with because you meet bitterness and the end of your own self esteem because that person knows your weak points and can spot you like a spotted dick and means to kick your arse in. Never leave a woman whom you and your wife tormented and tortured and come back saying you are a good man a good family man a good husband. Whose husband certainly not mine?
His wife has been chasing me like a fox terrier and he has been in a supportive mood one and one is there some death toll there is nothing there but this condescension and openly snobbery. Look honey it is not my fault that you stumbled into some kind of relationship with me. Are you all happy now? Is everyone having a good fright night?
I mean to eat you all entirely and I mean to have a good repast with the past the present and eventually there might be a meal left a happy meal for the future.
But by God I am going to have a repast first.
I mean sir can we make bread? Yes dearest what kind of a bread. No room at the inn no room at the inn no room for the likes of them fiends. I must swear at him throw stones then say sooty soot.
So his wife and he now in the last flings of their grand passion and he threw me the bone and I caught the last days of his spring and you know what does it matter to me when spring was lost to me when the summer seasons went without me and I was raging and boiling in madness and in mental anguish I was not going to kill him then no it had to be me who I had killed for not measuring up to him and not being able to keep pace with his stride and they went flying higher and higher without the grace or the wit to say thank you and here it is you fool some money to tide you over.
You just stay in the bath with them girls because twenty pizzas on their way. I thought of them Gauguin paintings. The best ones must be real. I had nearly fainted at fifteen because of Gauguin now there they were against the backdrop of hell. The frying pans are out and in come the girls this would mean more time to sit down and chat.
“It has set a bad example for her and her tongue has made improvements.”
“What does he mean?”
This is a bad world this world is very sad and absolutely mad with the desires and the lack of respect which we all have for each other we might be polite but we do not respect one another.
Politeness is not respect because one does not say one thing very politely and go off and marry someone else and swear that your secretive nature will be not found out. When she became so beautiful he went for it and he went for it and he went for it. Now he weeps for the lost years with me does he never him he is the best man he is the best of husband’s but he will never be anything but a gambling man and if he does not shut down he will be lost not found. So there he is in front of his computer praying something good might happen and to my unhappiness there is nothing I can say to him anymore but let us go and be happy elsewhere because I am done with this place I am done with nothing. But he said he has found the true God of himself and does not want to move even going on holiday is bad for him.
She has gone out of action. What has she hurt herself? No it is hell it is hell. What is the matter with them? Never seem to understand them beasts are worse than anyone. We think we are less than able to understand what has happened to unhappiness uncle? Uncle is not behaving well why he has taken to phoning and asking if we alright or okay, why is he worried about something?
That a man like that has gone out of fashion so into designing hussies and making a fool of himself that he does not understand that sometimes a woman like myself wants something to besides hospital treatment and injections and therapy. That he thinks only of himself and his wife as having the basic rights to holidays and all that sort of thing and he thinks myself only needs treatment because for some reason I need hand therapy and psychiatry and all that sort of thing because for the past for five years did not go on a holiday with anything or anyone and I am sick and tired of it all.
The thing is when a man takes the other woman on the holiday which makes that woman his legal shag and never takes me out the door on my own I can go wonderfully with his wife following me round the bend and round and round but on my own. Then with him I am not even going to go on a holiday or even to the resort or even to somewhere called he said we both have freedom passes let us do a journey which you dislike on your own.
“How interesting that would be just the two of us on the bus and you and me being chased by them women with your wife.”
Interesting that would be for a sex addict I think? Or a Sado-Masochist which he is?
I wonder if he should have more of Omah or some more whiskey and a bottle of scotch on his dearly beloved hide?
But I know just the place we would end up in.
“Would dislike it if she turned up in a whore house my dear.”
“Why should we?”
“Men are the damned beasts.”
“Women chasing me round well the thing are sometimes it is a bit too much but the men are loving it too.”
“It is the damn thing.”
“This is a bird of prey.”
“But a unlucky man.”
“He missed his calling he should have been a marriage clerk.”
“No he would never make that sort of thing legal. It would make him unwell to do such a thing a man must have a chance then he can be a bearer of the tombstone the book which states plain as plain we are never done unless it is cooked.”
“It is startling is it not him in such a disgrace what is happiness?”
“Leave the family alone.”
“Their increasing happiness brought expenditures.”
“He has not sold himself to pay for his expenses?”
“No way did he do such a thing.”
“Well it won’t fetch him anything.”
Where is the bus going and who is getting in and out of it? Well of all the damn things which are beasts in the ozone layer there are more beasts than we know it.
“This is a Human?”
“He has found a rug.”
Sitting on committees and is established and has establishments up to his ears. Officer and works authority write on his face he does not live by his hand he is a mind worker. He breaks minds. His way of playing chess is to break the mind then the whole thing is his. He studies torture as a hobby how to break minds not the bodies but the mind of a women or the men he is hunting after. He does not see this as lacking in human dignity for him human dignity is money. When money in your pocket I am your servant, when without you will crawl and cat wail to me, Money is all that matters.
He taught that to his kids.
Now we have the telegraph poles up and running the internet the computer the world in satellite yet our communication systems are always down our attention span is no longer than a minute at the best two.
“I am now dressed as a rich silly witch who did not even want to know bows and scraps.”
“Curtsy like this?”
The daughter is obedient.
“I curtsy like this?”
“No like this.”
I can now piss on it.
Crass words the worst of these words are that they matter mean something are something that meant for the likes of that someone their whole personality they can hurt wound and they destroy that someone my only fear had been not to matter to be without meaning and then he left me fled from me and I had no meaning left from that day onwards went from day centre to day centre looking for meaning and he then married to that woman. He married to that woman whom now he called his everything.
I meant no harm she would say but she did and he did they in fact so besotted they forgot everything in their everything and I hoped that I would one day have it out with them both but they were human beasts I did not have a clue what had happened to them their love gone what mattered to their mating and rituals was it something they did wrong robbing the poor in order to pay for their luxury lifestyle meant they had enough in their accounts to make them so very happy all they had to do was charm the world and the world would give and give to them what about me? Well what about me the one left behind and done for she said I could live on state benefits because the benefit system was a good system and that would make me a girl to be less fond of.
You see they living in their lifestyle pent houses and all that and me living in a little run down house a derelict home with a couple of swells?
Well the failure is one of communication when asking a rich man or a woman for money moderate your voice and look like you mean them no harm otherwise they wave their hands and dismiss you without a Simcard. That is what matters is there anymore to say about them of course there is the bloody likely hell that came and crashed into me was nothing but that them.
They set themselves as sheiks and raped murdered the girls. Some were whores by the end of the affairs but one or two did die.
That she is not right in the way of the living then he comes and joins the carriage to make them safe. The black nurse is no fool so he and she get to become a couple. The boy has to walk as his mother has lost her wits.
The thing is then she remembers and they send the search party where he is found to be soundly asleep. There is not far to go only a four hour journey with a good camel.
That has began screaming in agony did not settle the banking system. Hussein you ruined us.
“No use putting money into that kind of a deal is there?”
“I did marry her.”
“She has been screaming since time begins.”
“She will get better.”
“Not for marrying you!”
“I did not harm her.”
“She lost her baby because of you!”
“I lost a baby too do you see me cry?”
“Go to hell and bank.”
She stays and lives six years a invalid. She is so unwell as if her powers are weakening as if her soul has been touched by demons. She is not anymore happy. Her happy smiles and little presents are no more.
She loved to leave little tokens in the books dried flowers to remind everyone that dusty books were a health hazard,
She used to do small flower arrangements and place it on the arms and the forehead of all she had contact with. She made them arrangements so that they had the different flowers to see too. The smells of the flowers were so good the fragrance went to the soul.
“No he is not?”
“Who are we to know what really happened in the past none of them are speaking about it.”
“Well she paid for the shop how did she do that?”
“That shop did not get bought for nothing.”
“If he her dad?”
“Come is it that obvious?”
“The girl becomes pregnant again and this time she is walking by some unlucky chance she sees something or someone and she said I thought she had not been here. I thought she had never been here. She can’t be here because if she had been there and now here it does not add up if someone has played the folly the joke the jest to spite me and my own low connections what does it mean?
“What why what does it mean?”
“What did you all do?”
“What why what did you all make me live believe in?”
“Look what have you done to me?”
“I loathe the sight of all of you.”
“For this you made me unmade me.”
“The mask on your faces have fallen I can see you all as you are.”
“This is not right you must calm down.”
“How can you say that they have stolen my life?”
“They have taken away from me and given me nothing!”
“They have stolen my life and given me death with a white sheet, the harmony over.”
“My poor child you will catch your death of cold come in and I will make you a soup to drink in because anger is hunger making.”
“Yes that is a good idea is the soup ready?”
“I will go and see but first you must come and lie down.”
“Yes but still I can speak?”
“Yes you may say as much as you like.”
I thought she had been somewhere else. It is her it is her it is her. Oh God my waters broke.
Her teeth were chattering she is near her time.
“Say graces my child.”
“What for mother is there such a thing?”
“Say grace because you are dying your mum said that and that means you will go to heaven.”
“Is that true?”
“That is what it says when a pregnant woman dies she goes straight to heaven with no questions asked.”
“Oh how wonderful.”
“Mummy I am dying.”
“Good heaven is the place for you.” he said to me cruelly as he left fled from me.
“Mummy how can you say them last lost words?”
“I am a sinner my girl you are a victim this world works for sinners not for woman who feel. It is best you die because the trade is going down.”
The smile is still there on her features.
Wanton women whores who live by the flesh mummy my flesh has disappointed myself included mummy I feel easy now to know that the only thing you have is your flesh. To make it the merriest death scenes is to think you have a rival who will eat you out of house and home. I left you something you deserve. My mummy now will be served on a platter so that she can add to the world. Add mummy add.
Just add not subtract abstractive thinking waste of time. My mummy is fondly imagining that she has won scored scripted this legacy. The ill wind that walks- Mum the killing wind- The wind that will be the end. I am the ma of this open handed thing.
“The would be killed wretched girl whose life has been done for. I am this waif no dad no ma and then this husband whom without my thinking I had been making fun of me.”
Now no more to bed with me of throes and thistles to thank no one but God is my shepherd as he holds out his arms to me to go into heaven with his other flock.
It was a different ending from what one expected, dead and she so young not yet seventeen. She should never have been led onto that place.
“It was your dad who took her?”
“My what for is that true?”
“He was the husband.”
“Shut the gate of hell if it is true then this wretchedness will be our doom,!”
“There are Predators about.”
“A girl has died.”
“You next Princess is here ready.”
“Predators die too.”
“You next princess is nowhere to be found she did not care to be mauled?”
“Predators die. I have bought a shotgun if any of you try it I am able to use it.”
“Shoots fired on us.”
“When and where do I come in?”
“You are always thinking about yourself.”
“That is what therapy does to you.”
“Last night when we were going to that whore house, no man is safe even when nature calls.”
“Leave it alone or the consequences will be dire.”
“Married not married what is she?”
“This is none of your business.”
Back at the work place I had to entertain as well as do not touch. I had found my calling to behave and look well on that. This is doing work and all that matters to me a lot.
“Another one of them bread puddings mom?”
“Of course the sweet is not enough in it is it?”
" A full packet of peanuts would be nicer?”
“I would like some crisp with mine.”
“It is time for lunch?”
“I like the peanuts with mine.”
“No we must not put sugar in our Turkish coffee fattening.”
“I am trying to slim. To keep the weight off you know gained a few stones I think I can’t think why?”
“I did not make that sandwich?”
“Well you must have done?”
“How many did the customer want?”
“It is a pity to waste it?”
“No do not put it in the bin I want it.”
“Too much of it lost.”
“What about it?”
“You are gaining weight.”
“Well it is all this sitting around you know I dislike to sit.”
“We can have a television in here?”
“No way because the orders you know you won’t remember.”
“We will do something why won’t we do extras and specials.”
“Now having made the greatest sacrifices in marriage to mummy why he must be eternally in such denial about his selfless acts of devotions?”
“Well it is not much use to me.” he said in a manner of speaking I begin to worry myself over the things one can do to parents. I mean being adopted. I mean no harm he said and hurriedly went away. The failures of himself and myself which is sadness.
“Dad if mummy dies I am going to marry you.”
He is that careful with his money he has all and everything measured and then when he does not think he can make anything more out of the house he puts my would be rapist indoors and makes money out of him.
Therefore earning him a lot of money? The would be rapist the arch enemy Abdul is a very clever guy he is very secure now saying and doing nothing why is that old gay lad doing such a thing and why I am able to stand the little guy? The thing is the Abdul is a better looking man than that pooh and why does he not turn me on and that pooh does? Abdul concerned looks on. The thing is the Abdul does not care to be seen being malicious so they continue on talking and speaking the language of hostility and demeanours of friendships until one fries the other like oven chips.
When the chips are down what happens?
He runs away so fast. He did not want to louse up his food. He and Zeks are still at it like mad but she knows when he is fascinated and he wants everything in the company his own way. Abdul is not a man to cave in.
He got one pooh out of the way he can get another one out too.
Abdul is very much in love with the idea he is thinking about it all the time now. As he gives Zeks the eye and she returns the regard regardless.
You see Fiddle was a bore but this other man was interested in music and Abdul was into that sort of too. The two guys listen to the music harmoniously.
That I am now no longer the centre of the world is without doubt but to think that the two men who had maliciously wounded me have ended up as friends makes me start and stare at myself. Why?
To make matters worse there is nobody to talk to but myself. Who does one turn to when the going gets rough who does one turn into when the going gets so certainly bad, I am being bland I’m I not but when they are chatting it reminds me of former times with dad and him chatting and he coming over and taking over the personality of father and trying to behave like dad.
This gives me the creeps. It is like creepy crawlies and there is nothing to it a tossup between what makes him happy and what makes me feel secure and all the time this growing sense that I am losing that I am losing that in fact did myself in for a loser that he has become a loser that he is a lost soul. That there is not going to be a recovery I have too much baggage that I am now practically on my own again and he does not even make me happy.
He is now so complex loving someone who is practically gay is never the same as someone who is straight the straight man loves women any number of them the gay man loves woman in imagination and in the way they speak and fondles them in the way they behave taking time to feel them of course once felt he leaves. Loses interest there is nothing more to be in when the woman has become his he wants another one because this one he now knows and is not thrilled by.
That it poisons his glance when he sees something thinner than me that I know his former life was practical with his gay wife and him having both sexes. That he had led an adventurous life within that sphere but not for me not for me. I am old fashioned that way I dislike him I dislike his past I do not want that anymore I am through again and again I want normal behaviour and I end up with that?
The thing was there is nothing the matter maybe it was some sort of gay joke or something put upon by the wives of the neighbourhood who have to live with these types.
In some cases the wife has a fling with another woman and gets the roof done for free. Otherwise one pays for the roof through the money bags which is the usual manner but these days it is banter with sexual favours and we can get you a house a car and then when we dislike you we take it away.
I miss Fiddle you know his food carvings and all that he had the right attitude and mattered not at all but we all miss him because he messed up like nobody else had and he did not end up without a child without a wife and all that? I am a bit like that I’m I not?
He associated marriage with food poisonings which meant he now no longer undecided. He knew his stomach comes first. He had to be a diabetic of course he had to eat constantly. He could get sex any time food was like a gold to find it agreeable. Not much food agreed with him.
“I did not like to work.” Said Zeks, “Never did and when the only job I did was sweeping the floor in our house that was the real job of the house and my daughter has taken over that job sweeping the floor in the cafe kitchen and that was her job? Of course because that is what she did too.
One mum to another why do people behave in that way from child to child the question is asked and from the mother to the child the sweeping is done by the heir now and that is the heir.
“Why she did not say a word to me.”
Nobody told me who I was and why I was treated differently nobody told me about the past the future and all that nobody said a word except to be careful at all times.
“The doctor took it into his head to save her leg.” Mother has a bad leg and she is in mortal fear that her leg can and should be not amputated the other one is below the knee amputate.
But we were happy before she took to having the deeds to everything we were happy sorted I made sure of that but she wanted everything for the family her own family which did not include us.
“She had an amputation and another would be deadly.”
“Well dad no use thinking she is a football.”
“I did want to kick box her head in.”
“Well it is a difficult decision but the thing is it is against the law.”
I looked very like that star Turkan Soray and me thinks mummy said very nice. She a fan of the actress well it took care of my looks.
Well mummy a true lesbian and she a fan of that film star. Well you see the two won’t mix? Well it is obvious one has to make the adjustments. I did not do not much but had this and that to tuck. I thought tuck and tuck and tuck duck and tuck and tucking shop and this to tuck in and that to tuck out.
I think mummy just likes to look at girls just so.
Hemlines the thing to sing at the choir and to take on this and that. Tuck and dip and tuck and skip. Well at last I did not look like her. I mean Turkan Soray. No I looked just like a Edna Sharps plus her Stan at the coronation street.
Went to night school to improve my mind I had to learn something in order to chat about them things when we did in the spare times we had,
I am now doing catch up time to catch up on what life I have lost the catch up time is the best time to be catching up on everything one has ever missed.