That’s all I feel.
And I deserve every ounce of it.
I left her, my mate, my one true love.
But it’s for the best, even if it is painful. I couldn’t bare to hurt her anymore. I’d never forgive myself if I caused permanent damage to her.
It feels so wrong though, like I’m making a huge mistake. And maybe I am, but maybe I’m not.
She deserves someone better than me. Someone that can protect her properly, and keep her out of harms way. Someone that won’t run away when the going gets tough.
I’m the worst thing for her, I’ve done nothing but hurt her ever since I met her. I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve to be happy. I failed her.
I was so lost in my world of pain, I didn’t notice someone come up behind me.
“What’s the matter mate?” someone asked, disrupting my thoughts as they placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.
I turned to face the person who just spoke. It was Garrett.
I was running aimlessly for the fifth day of leaving home when I ran into him. He saw how unhealthy I looked and decided to take me back to his pack.
By the looks the whole pack gave me for the first two weeks, I knew they were curious. Probably wondering things like ‘why is he here?’ ‘Is he dangerous?’ ‘will he kill us?’ ‘What’s his story?’
But after a few weeks they finally excepted me as one of their own.
“Jake, what’s wrong?” Garrett asked again.
I told the whole pack that my name was Jake Matthews so they wouldn’t know I’m the future Alpha of a very important pack.
The word got out about the big fight and how the future Alpha’s mate was a prophecy.
So if they knew who I really was they would ask questions and bring up her.
I couldn’t even think her name, it hurt too much.
Deciding to actually answer Garrett this time I said “Nothing’s wrong, I’m just thinking.”
He rolled his eyes, obviously not believing me.
“C’mon dude, you can tell me!” He exclaimed, punching my shoulder lightly.
“It’s really nothing, I’m just missing someone.” I told him, trying not to let the irritation I felt right now show.
He threw up his hands in surrender “Okay, okay. I’ll stop asking about it.”
I guess I didn’t hide my irritation as well as I thought I had.
“Thanks man.” I muttered.
“I’m going for a run.” I added, before walking off into the forest, not waiting for his reply.
Ever since Garrett let me into his pack I’ve been taking several runs a day.
It’s like if I don’t pay lots of attention to my wolf it’ll just disappear.
It was the same with Jay when he lost his mate. The only difference is, I didn’t lose my mate, I left her.
Jay would be so disappointed in me, he would yell at me about how ungrateful I am, about how some people don’t even have their mates and about how I’m an idiot for ever leaving her.
God I’m such a dick.
Now, more angry and confused than ever, I shifted into my wolf and ran. I ran as fast as I could possibly go. And even then I pushed myself to go faster.
I blocked out everything around me, solely focusing on the path ahead.
I don’t know why this wave of anger hit me, but I just wanted to tear something apart.
So when I saw that grizzly bear up ahead I took that as an opportunity to let off some major steam.
I pounced, full force at it, catching it off guard.
It let out a yelp of surprise, the last sound it ever made, since I sunk my teeth into its neck, instantly killing it.
But I didn’t stop there. I tore a piece of flesh from where my teeth dug into, spitting it out before doing it again and again and again.
It felt so wrong, yet so right at the same time. I felt guilty but good too. For the first time since I ran from my pack I felt happy and at ease.
But more importantly, I felt powerful, in charge, like anything that got in my way I could surly conquer.
When I got bored of tearing the bear apart I took a step back. What I saw in front of me was horrific. Something you wouldn’t even see in a horror movie.
The bear was completely unrecognizable, just broken bone with some flesh on a couple parts of its body. The head was the only thing untouched. Everything else was in piles of flesh and fur all over the place.
The sick part about all of this was that I felt accomplished. Like I just finished a piece of art or something.
I looked around for the first time since I saw the bear. Trees, dirt, rocks and two baby grizzly cubs.
The bear I just killed had two cubs, and those two innocent animals just watched me kill their mom. They saw me rip her to shreds.
Reality finally set in.
I just killed an innocent animal and orphaned two baby cubs.
I’m a killer.
“Dude where have you been?” Garrett asked as soon as I entered the pack house.
“Um, I-I was just out uh, r-running.” I told him, stammering over my words. The guilt I felt ever since I found out the bear had cubs, was stronger than ever.
I can’t believe I ever felt proud of what I did to that poor animal.
Before anyone could say anything else I ran upstairs and into my room, locking the door behind me.
What happened to me during my run? Why would I ever do that to an animal?
The first thing I said as soon as my dad told me I was a werewolf when I was thirteen years old, was ′you’re a monster! How can you live with yourself knowing that you go around killing everything?′
Who would have thought that one day that would be me?
Why did I do it?
I know I was angry and all but killing an animal? Really?
Did it have to do with the fact that I missed her, that I needed her?
I need to kiss her and hold her and just see her.
But I ran away. I dug my grave and now I have to lay in it.
There was a sudden knock at my door, startling me and ripping me from my thoughts. That seems to be happening a lot lately.
“Who is it?” I called out.
“It’s Brian, I just wanted to tell you dinners ready.” the person called back.
Brian was the Beta of the pack and honestly a really cool guy. He reminded me a lot of Jay.
“Uh I’m not hungry.” Was my lame reply.
“Do you want me to send it up incase you get hungry later?” He asked.
“No thanks, I think I’ll just turn in early so there’s no point.”
Okay so the real reason I didn’t want food to be sent up was because I just couldn’t face anyone right now.
There was so much guilt from leaving her and killing that bear, eating away at me. And I had no doubt that anyone who looked at me would see that guilt.
Right now I just couldn’t handle being asked questions, so my solution was to hide away and avoid everyone.
That’s my solution for everything, I really need to work on that.
“Okay, well if you do get hungry you know where to find the food.” Brian replied.
He waited a couple seconds before giving up on me and walking away.
I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. For some reason I though he would just barge right in and start interrogating me.
But I had a feeling that soon enough people will start questioning me about everything. And if I don’t start acting normal, that day will come sooner than it should.
Letting out a frustrated sigh I looked around my room. White walls, white desk, white bed. This was my life now.
Plain, simple. Without emotion or taste.
What has my life become?
I’m falling apart without her. I’m turning into a monster without her.
And Jay did this for a long time. How could he have survived this torture for so long?
A new respect for Jay blossomed inside me. He was the right guy to fill in as Alpha for me. Strong, reliable, responsible, and above all, he never quit on anyone or anything.
The exact opposite of me.