That was all I felt.
And I deserved every ounce of it.
I left her, my mate, my one true love.
But it was for the best, even if it was painful. I couldn’t bare to hurt her anymore. I’d never forgive myself if I caused her any more damage.
It felt wrong though, like I was making a huge mistake. And maybe I was, but she deserved someone better than me. Someone that could protect her properly, and keep her out of harms way. Someone that wouldn't run away when things got tough.
I was the opposite of what she needed, I’d done nothing but hurt her ever since I met her. I didn't deserve her and I certainly didn't deserve to be happy.
I was so lost in my world of pain that I didn’t notice someone come up behind me.
“What’s the matter mate?” Someone asked, disrupting my thoughts as they placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.
I turned to face the person who just spoke and was met with Garrett's concerned eyes.
I was running aimlessly on the fifth day since leaving home when I ran into him. He saw how unhealthy I looked and decided to take me back to his pack. He saved my life.
His pack was cautious to take me in, not knowing if I was some kind of spy or something, but after a few weeks they realized I was just a lost guy and they accepted me as one of their own. I became family to them.
“Jake, what’s wrong?” Garrett asked again.
I told everyone my name was Jake Matthews so they wouldn’t know that I was the future Alpha of a very well known pack. After the battle at the kingdom, word got out about my pack and how the future Alpha’s mate was a prophecy, so if Garrett's pack knew who I really was they'd ask questions and bring up her.
I couldn’t even think my mate's name, it hurt too much. I certainly wouldn't be able to talk about her.
Deciding to actually answer Garrett this time, I finally said “Nothing’s wrong, I’m just thinking.”
“C’mon dude, you can tell me.” He persuaded, punching my shoulder lightly.
“It’s really nothing, I’m just missing someone.” I told him, trying not to let my irritation show. I really didn't want to talk about it.
He playfully put his hands up in surrender, “Okay, okay. I’ll stop asking about it.”
I guess I didn’t hide my irritation as well as I thought I had.
“Thanks man.” I muttered, and then quickly added “I’m going for a run.” before walking off into the forest, not waiting for his reply.
I'd been running whenever I could since I left home, it was the only thing that kept me sane. I could put all my energy into pushing my legs to go faster so I wouldn't think about her.
It was the same with Jay when he lost his mate. The only difference is, I didn’t lose my mate, I left her.
If Jay was here he'd yell at me for leaving my mate. He'd tell me how ungrateful I was and how I was lucky to have a mate that was alive and well.
He'd be pissed that I left everyone behind, and he would be completely right.
I was being selfish, but I didn't know what else I could do.
The longer I thought the angrier and more confused I became, so I didn't the only thing I knew how to. I shifted into my wolf and ran.
I ran until my legs were screaming at me to stop, and then I pushed myself to go further. I was torturing myself, punishment for every mistake I'd ever made.
When the pain still clung to me as I flew through the forest a wave of anger hit me. I was furious with myself and I needed to somehow blow off steam. Usually running did the job but this time I couldn't shake the feelings.
My vision was red with rage when I saw a grizzly bear on the path ahead of me, and I couldn't stop myself from charging for it.
I forgot who I was as I pounced at the animal, catching it off guard, and sunk my teeth into it's neck.
The bear became limp under me as I tore into it's flesh. and the power I felt as I dominated the creature fuelled me to rip it apart until it was unrecognizable.
For the first time in so long, I felt in control.
Ever since I found my mate, my life revolved around her. But as I sunk my teeth into the bear time after time, I didn't have one thought of her.
I was transported to a world free of pain as my animal side completely took over, and I didn't do anything to fight it. I was perfectly content with living life as a monster.
Once I snapped out of my rage I stepped back to look at the horrific scene I created. There was fur, blood, and flesh all over the ground but I didn't feel a single ounce of guilt. I was proud of what I did.
I finally tore my eyes away from the bear's remains when I heard a bush rustle to my left. I scanned the area and eventually I caught sight of two grizzly bear cubs.
Reality came crashing down on me when I saw their terrified eyes staring back at me.
I killed their mom.
I was a monster.
“Dude where have you been?” Garrett asked as soon as I stepped foot in the pack house.
“Um, I-I was just out uh, running.” I told him, stammering over my words. The guilt I felt ever since I found out the bear had cubs, was stronger than ever.
I couldn't believe I ever felt proud of what I did to that poor animal.
I rushed up to my room before anyone else could speak to me. I didn't want them to know what I did, especially Garrett and I knew he could read me like a book.
I laid down on my bed and blankly stared up at the ceiling, trying to get the violent scene of the bear's murder out of my mind, but it was impossible. I saw it every time I closed my eyes.
How could I ever do that to an innocent living thing? I wasn't a violent person, so what possessed me to think it was alright to kill a bear?
When I was thirteen and found out I was a werewolf I hated myself. I thought my kind were monsters because all I knew were the myths, so I promised myself that I would never hurt anything or anyone.
Today I broke that promise.
My anger got the best of me and I killed something that didn't deserve it. All of this was my fault and I didn't have any excuse for it.
I was turning into someone I didn't recognize.
Was I going crazy without my mate? Could I not be sane without her in my life?
I'd never heard of a werewolf losing their mind after losing a mate, but it was probably possible.
A knock at my door ripped me from my disturbing thoughts and I welcomed the distraction.
“Who is it?” I called out.
“It’s Brian, I just wanted to tell you dinners ready.” The person called back.
Brian was the Beta of the pack and honestly a really cool guy. He reminded me a lot of Jay.
"I’m not hungry.” I replied weakly. The thought of food was revolting after what I did today.
“Do you want me to send it up in case you get hungry later?” He asked.
I shook my head even though he couldn't see it, “No thanks, I think I’m gonna go to sleep soon so I won't be up to eat it.”
I'd have to open the door and face whoever brought up the food, and there was no doubt in my mind that they'd be able to sense the guilt on me. I couldn't handle the questions right now, so my solution was to avoid it. That was my solution for everything,
“Okay, well if you do get hungry you know where to find the food.” Brian replied, waiting a couple of seconds for my reply before giving up on me and walking away.
Once I couldn't hear his footsteps anymore I let out the breath I didn't even know I was holding. For some reason I thought he was going to barge into my room and start interrogating me.
I had a feeling that people would start questioning my weird behaviour soon if I didn't get a hold of myself soon. I had to find a way to act normal before I got kicked out of the only place I could call home.
If I couldn't live here I'd have nowhere to go. I couldn't go back to my old pack, and I didn't know anyone else that would take me in. This was my shot at a life, I couldn't blow it.
Letting out a frustrated sigh and looked around my room. White walls, white desk, white bed. This was my life now, I had to accept that.
I knew I was falling apart without her, but I had to figure out a way to live with it.
Jay figured out how to go on after he lost his first mate. He didn't go crazy, he didn't murder innocent animals. How did he stay sane?
A new respect for him blossomed inside me. He was the right guy to fill in as Alpha for me. Strong, reliable, responsible, and above all, he never quit on anyone.
He was the exact opposite of me.