The Misadventures of a Beginning Poltergeist

Confusion reigned throughout the group of perhaps thirty or so individuals. Where are we? What's going on? Understandable reactions all too familiar among the teachers. They were just as confused long ago when the tables were turned. Bets were taken, as always. The low number was fourteen, the highest was twenty. The winning bet was almost consistently somewhere in that range. Except for the class that completely failed. It only happened once, but consequences for the instructors had been severe.

"Attention please. Welcome to Poltergeist University. I am your primary instructor. Soon, each of you will be paired with individual coaches until you graduate. Before meeting again in this large group, each and every one of you will be indoctrinated by a coach that has been selected to match your individual desires and comfort level. Thank you."

"What the hell just happened?"

A burst of uncontrollable laughter emerged from the prettiest young lady I have ever seen. Around six feet tall with long, blond hair. "Don't worry, everything is fine, we can start wherever you want. Ask me anything."

"What do mean everything is fine, nothing is fine." I have discovered a talent for understatement. "Where am I?"

"The primary instructor already told you that, Poltergeist University."

"This doesn't make any sense at all. Where's my office. Wait a minute, I was in my car. What the hell happened to me?"

"Isn't it obvious? Didn't you even see that truck?"

"What truck?" Wait a minute, there was a truck passing me right before I showed up in the classroom.

"Well, have you figured it out yet?" She checked a watch before shaking her blonde hair in the sexiest possible manner. "You are now exactly ten seconds over the average time it takes to realize what happened."

I pinched myself. Harder, but it still didn't hurt. Why doesn't it hurt? Uh-oh. That's not good. She's smiling at me. Now she's nodding. The uh-oh is getting worse as I suddenly put some facts together. A large truck passing me, and then? Oh Shit!

"Call me Gail, it's much easier to pronounce than my former name. And don't be scared, the sooner you master your studies, the sooner everything will be a lot of fun." Again, followed by the most adorable smile. "You can kiss me if you like."

"I'd love to kiss you, but... am I dead?"

"Of course, we all are. Once you get used to it, everything becomes much easier to accept. Some people can't adjust to the reality of where they are. The strong ones succeed, the weak are transferred elsewhere."

"This can't be Heaven. But it can't be Hell either. So, where exactly am I? No! Don't say it again! I understand but I'm having some trouble accepting what appear to be very disturbing facts."

"I know it can be hard to accept, but once you adjust we can move on. Later, we can take a tour of our spectacular campus buildings. All of them designed by leading architects."

She placed her hand in mine, and gave me a gentle but inspirational kiss. I felt the kiss but couldn't feel a pinch. Gail gently explained that pleasure is readily available but pain doesn't exist. Nor does time. We are essentially existing within a moment of time. I'm sure Stephen Hawking would understand it far better than me, complete with a blackboard of computations. Okay, get a grip. I'm still not a hundred percent sure of which way is up, but Gail appears to be real. Keeping in mind, she may just be the most attractive girl I've ever known. And, she kissed me. "What's next?"

"Excellent, now we can get started. Poltergeist University was created to prevent an incredible amount of amateurism and duplication of effort within the poltergeist community. Study well, follow my lead, and before you know it, a coaching position might become available. I'm only short a few students from being promoted to an instructor. What an honor that will be for me."

Suddenly, the hallway emerged into the most beautiful valley, filled with trees, a small stream, and in the distance, a beach containing sparkling, white sand. Puppies played among the bushes in only the way they can, exhibiting boundless joy and happiness. We crossed the stream at its shallowest point, shallow being a relative term, since both our business suits got drenched. I think Gail initiated the next action, lying on the soft grass, kissing me passionately. I'm certain the next action was begun by me, caressing her perfectly formed breasts. I'm also certain what happened next, but totally uncertain how. Sexual pleasure beyond belief the instant I entered her body. Not only the intensity but duration as well. Finally, we separated, satisfied in the extreme. Wow!

"Anytime you want, simply say so, we can be intimate as often or as long as you want. Let me explain the suddenness of everything that's happened so far. Too many students were becoming emotionally unraveled, overwhelmed and unable to accept their fate. So just like a teddy bear or blanket can comfort a child, it was decided to accelerate the bonding process. Besides, your awkwardness with the ladies forced me into an aggressive mode. Now the psychological pressure of expectation has been removed, putting you at ease in my company. Understand?" A quirky, but incredibly sexy smile before saying, "Again?"

Tempting, very tempting, but since I can obtain pleasure on demand, let's get back to some questions. Gail explained every one of my intelligent and ridiculous inquiries with patience and understanding while holding hands on our walk toward the beach. A truly remarkable young lady. A couple of minor interruptions are understandable, although mostly, I stayed on track. We sat near the edge of the water, that spot where the sand is wet from occasionally larger waves sweeping in. They actually knocked us over a couple of times, following which, we emerged laughing and kissing. She was right about time though, the sun hasn't moved at all, which is okay, I could sit on this beach forever. "Is it ever night?"

"Of course, silly. Do you prefer the nighttime?"

I pulled Gail toward me, embracing her with even more passion than previously when it suddenly struck me. The sun had set and an enormous full moon was shining down on us. What? How? Then the sun rose, exactly where it had set only moments earlier.

"You'll get used to everything later. Confusion is natural at first. Don't worry, I'm never going to leave your side."

"Good. Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"Absolutely. Why do you think we were paired? Becoming a poltergeist is more difficult without the bonding of a coach and their student. Actually, it's darn near impossible. Ask me some questions, I like helping you."

Several thousand questions later, Gail came to the conclusion I was ready to begin an initial foray into my future occupation. Apparently, poltergeists can select any location and time that currently or previously exists. No tampering with the future is permissible. The past is more fascinating anyway with Gail totally exuberant over my selection. Nine years ago during my first job stocking shelves in a grocery store, there was a real jerk on the crew. Payback. Gail took the lead, urging me to pay close attention to the details. A successful poltergeist cannot be suspected by their victim.

"Watch." Gail timed her move perfectly, just as my former boss turned his head away, the mayonnaise jar he placed on the shelf dislodged itself, splattering the contents over five floor tiles. Not to mention some droplets striking other items as well.

"Yes! That clown warranted much worse. He was always yelling at me to go faster. No matter how hard I tried, he wasn't satisfied. Serves him right." I rewarded Gail with a kiss. She rewarded me with a sexual encounter unlike our previous mutual intimacy. One intended for only my pleasure. I would include more details, but just use your imagination. Next on the agenda; Aisle 7, soap powder. Gail handed me a box cutter the moment John finished opening a case of generic laundry detergent. As he bent over to retrieve a piece of cardboard, I sliced the boxes right where he had opened them. The look of consternation on his face was priceless. He knew the cut wasn't deep enough to cause that much damage. "This is terrific Gail." More kisses amid the dirtiest laughter imaginable. I glanced over at a display of eggs, only to be informed they were off limits.

"Duplication of effort. Remember what I said earlier? How often do you open a dozen eggs to discover one of them is broken? Only Division 14 has the authority to break eggs. According to my timetable, you've earned a special treat."

Back to the beach again, naked this time. Pleasure beyond description. Is this great, or what? Awaking to a gentle rain falling among the trees but not on the beach was a comforting sound. Soothing might be a better choice of words. Back to wearing business suits again which is no longer a mystery as my coach clarified the most bewildering points. We walked along, splashing in the surf with Gail reminiscing about the purchase of these particular high heels. Perfect for an administrative assistant, but totally out of place on a beach. Incongruities apparently abound at Poltergeist University as my imagination wanders; are we being the victims of some other entity? Gail has fantastic brown eyes, maybe I neglected to mention them earlier, being too busy with the rest of her anatomy. She's perfect, totally without flaws of any kind. I could stare into her eyes and kiss her forever.

"Ready for more action?"

An unfortunate misunderstanding on my part, as she deftly removes my hand from her gorgeously sculpted ass.

"Business first. Let your imagination run wild this time."

Gail rejected my first several as impractical, since I exceeded an obscure rule governing experience in relationship to dimensions. She used the Titanic as an example. Only a Ninth Level instructor can move an iceberg that large into the path of a ship. Hmmm. Does that mean a poltergeist deliberately caused such a terrible disaster? Gail quickly steered the conversation away, permitting me to suggest a bar, an idea she adored. I am generally unfamiliar with bars, associating them with dangerous men and loose women. However, they are among the favorite hangouts of poltergeists. An extremely unattractive woman, around forty, tattoos, and grossly overweight is using some of the foulest language never encountered by me during a previously sheltered life. She'll do. I simply assisted an inept young man's flirtatious attempts by spilling her beer onto a dress that was obviously purchased from the clearance rack at a thrift store. In spite of Gail's assurances we were unable to be injured, prudence dictated a hasty withdrawal to avoid a badly aimed barstool.

I did express some concern over the fate of my victim as this foul-mouthed broad knocked out one of his front teeth. Gail reassured me it was unimportant. Why? Because if I hadn't spilled the beer, she would have accompanied him to his home. He was no novice on the subject of sex, but this lady would have left him with a venereal disease had their encounter developed normally. That is, without my interference. "So I did him a favor?"

"No. Tomorrow night, he would have returned here, only to lose his tooth in a different altercation. As for the venereal disease, his penchant for bedding loose women will catch up next month when he gives a homeless sixteen year old runaway a ride. During an act of kindness on his part, giving her some spending money, his reward will be the same disease he avoided tonight. What is meant to happen can only be delayed, not prevented."

"How foolish can he be? Has he always been this careless."

"Oh yes, he's had sex with seventeen different girls so far in his young life."

"No fair, how come he's so lucky?"

"It's not luck, just pure statistics. You were too shy, always hoping a girl would initiate the action. At the very least, give you a strong hint. He played the numbers game, if enough females are propositioned, some of them will always say yes." Gail is forced to move slightly as a patron emerges through the front door. Not by choice.

"What do you mean the numbers game?"

"Statistics is one of our strongest elements at Poltergeist University. An entire wing is dedicated to mapping trends. Young, handsome and rich men never have any trouble, but less attractive and poor young men struggle. That's where the numbers excel. An average of 12.35 NO's per YES. Keep in mind also, those yes's also average 56.78 pounds more in weight, and 3.24 less years of formal education. We have books on everything."

"So, no matter what I do, it really makes no difference in the long run. Correct?"

"Correct. As long as we're in this neighborhood, let's have some more fun."

Gail casually drops a cigarette lighter into one of those 4th of July fireworks tents that dot the landscape in late June. What a show! Our next stunt involved a used car. The sticker said 32,000 miles but we knew the odometer originally showed 87,000 miles. Just to even out the scales somewhat, we removed the lug nuts from a rear wheel right before a test drive, causing it to fall off. Hilarious! The embarrassed salesman was dumbfounded, and for the first time in his career, rendered speechless. Gail suggests a return to the beach where we start wading out into the completely calm water.

"Damn these high heels! I only bought them and this expensive suit to get promoted. Two weeks pay wasted. Why couldn't I have died the day before when jogging. Shorts and a shirt would have proven far more practical."

Gail has fallen face-first into the water, emerging with soaking wet, long blond hair. Again, I call into question the business suits only to be reassured of their necessity. Every facet of our appearance remains exactly the same as at the moment of our death. From hairstyles to red fingernail polish, every detail is identical, which explains the red high heels and matching red business suit on Gail. The naked incident at the beach earlier is permitted on occasion, but infrequently. A special reward for meeting my training objectives. An unimportant aspect as we reach a depth up to our necks before beginning another incredible sexual encounter. This pattern will continue for a period of time. How much time? Damned if I know, there is no way to measure time here. At any rate, her coaching is constantly improving my techniques enabling more and more sophisticated tricks. Only once was Gail disappointed when I demonstrated a distinct lack of enthusiasm concerning a young lady that didn't deserve to be tricked.

"Why did we need to ruin her prom dress?"

"If we didn't do it, another poltergeist would have done the job, denying us the fun."

"Oh." No matter what she says, I am disturbed. She senses my disapproval somehow and suggests a shortcut.

"If you pull off this one, your reward will make all our previous pleasures seem insignificant. Trust me."

"Of course I do. I trust you because I love you." Actually, love is a gross understatement compared to my true feelings. "I would do anything for you, Gail."

"Good. Have you ever visited a farm? No, of course not, why bother to ask. Let's go."

"Where are we, I can't see much? It's too damn dark."

"On a farm silly, they go to bed early. C'mon, we can slip into the barn unnoticed."

"Okay, now what?" Hay, lots of hay with a lantern glowing from the top of a bench. I shrug my shoulders to indicate confusion. "Be careful, Gail." Too late, she stepped into a large pile of cow dung that totally covered her shoe. She should have seen it easily, almost as if stepping there was deliberate. "What's that?"

"The name? O'Leary. This is Mrs. O'Leary's farm. We're a few miles from Chicago."

"There's no equipment. You know, things like tractors."

"Of course not." Gail's patience with my stupidity is incredible. "The year is 1871, tractor's haven't been invented yet. Ready? All you need to do is tip the lantern over onto a haystack."

"Wait a minute. That will start a fire."

"Of course, just like the fireworks tent. Remember how we laughed when the rockets went off through the roof?"

"No. No! Wait a minute! This is Chicago! Mrs. O'Leary's cow starts a fire and burns down the entire city! Gail, this is wrong! Hundreds of people will die."

"Stop worrying. If you don't do it, I will, so it's not your responsibility. Concentrate on my reward!" Gail kneels down, her face almost seems to be glowing with anticipation. Somehow, the flame is casting reddish highlights from within her blond hair.

I must believe my next action was pure instinct as I stepped between her and the lantern. "No, I can't let you do such a terrible thing." Before Gail could prevent it, I turned and blew out the flame. In that instant, the brightest bolt of light conceivable accompanied a screeching, blood-curdling scream as if the very bowels of the earth were in tumult.

Where did those white clouds come from? And the sky is beautiful. "Where am I?"

"Heaven. Let me help you up."

Words pale to insignificance at the beauty of this young woman holding my hand. "This is Heaven?" Of course it is, why keep asking, it's exactly as I have always pictured Heaven. What could only be an angel has long, curly, dark brown hair falling to her waist, with light blue eyes in a gorgeous round face. "You're so beautiful!"

"Thank you. The outward physical appearance of Heavenly beings simply reflects the purity of their inner spirit. You're quite handsome yourself."

"Do you have a name?"

"Yes, you may call me Kathira. And before we continue any further, I owe a great debt of gratitude to you for saving my life. You see, I was five years old and living in Chicago back in 1871. Instead of dying in the fire, my family moved to Laramie, Wyoming where I finally died as a great-grandmother in 1943."

"That's impossible, Gail said nothing could change what must be."

"She lied about everything. Shall I explain?"

"Please!"

"Only the most pure in heart and mind come directly to Heaven. All others go through what might be considered a state of limbo where they must atone for sins, neither Heaven nor Hell. Those that demonstrate goodness are then brought here. Those that fail, continue on their path to Hell. For the record, you are the only member of your class to arrive. All the others passed their tests at Poltergeist University, which is understandable since the class was top-heavy in used car salesmen and lawyers. None of them have ever arrived in Heaven. Would you like to meet God?"

"Absolutely! Yes! I'm just glad I never had to meet Satan."

"You did. Everything being red should have been a clue. This time he called himself Gail."

The End.

AN: If you enjoyed my little story of good versus evil, perhaps you might like a much longer version cloaked in sex and crime and based on a true story. It's on for $3.99. The link is in my profile.