Libby - Finding me
2 weeks previously, this chapter takes place over a few weeks, Liberty is kind of trancelike during it.
I had been in the forest for three weeks now. I was wet tired and muddy. 5 days of rain constantly does that to you. I had mud where I really didn't want mud. I was starting to wonder if this forest was the rainforest because I knew that where I had entered wasn't really where I was anymore. it was magic, that's why it goes on forever. it didn't really matter how far I walk because when I'm meant to leave I will find the exit home. if I make it home that is. I felt conflicted still, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t enjoying the adventure. hell, the rock climbing I've done was amazing and the view as I climbed breathtaking. It definitely made me know that I want to explore more, I don't want to stay in one place my whole life. I want to see new things and experience what I can, no matter how long or short my life is. I want to live it and have fun, but I also know that I have responsibilities, but that doesn't mean I have to give up who I am for others. Everything in moderation, like Patrick, kept saying about my sugar intake.
As I hung from the top off the cliff looking down I knew I loved it here. I loved seeing new and wonderful things. The beauty in the world, the colors the feeling the sounds and smells. I was trying to let my heart lead me like my mother had advised me my whole childhood. Just do what I felt was right and just follow my own direction. But how could my heart lead me when it was so conflicted itself. Every time I close my eyes I see Patricks hurt face as I was driven away from him. Was he thinking about me? Right now did he wonder what I was up to? could he imagine me looking down a huge cliff at the ocean that hadn't been there mere minutes before when I started to climb? Would he love this view as much as I did? had Patrick moved on? He was on tour now. Had he slept with loads of other women? why couldn't I stop thinking about him! I hadn’t used to be jealous but when it came to Patrick. I was a bit possessive. It was wrong of me. I knew that he wasn’t mine. But then he had called himself my boyfriend. Was he? This wasn’t what I should be addressing. I should be addressing me not him. Was I someone who became jealous of others? I had never been jealous before Patrick. I normally was someone who would go without, so my siblings wouldn’t have to. I was the youngest and I understood that sometimes that meant hand me downs, I didn’t mind them. sometimes it meant they had done and achieved everything before me, but it didn’t make my achievements any less. I had a big family, but I loved all of them and I would not change a single one of my siblings. Except bring them all back if I could. Every single one of my siblings made me who I was today. Art my eldest half-brother. But he wasn’t just a half-brother he was my brother. he taught me about the colors in the world. He taught me that to go on adventures could be the most exciting thing in the world. Grace taught me to see the best of everything you need to look, not to keep yourself clouded and not to only look for the best. you need to open your eyes and see everything.
I cleared the top of the cliff and found a path again, I would follow that for a while and see where it lead me. I carried on thinking of my siblings and how differently they all are and were from each other. Serenity taught me that art was everywhere. That spider working on his web for hours, yes is doing that to catch his food. But it’s also beautiful work that he’s spent hours of his or her life making. I looked at the huge spider's web then that had started me with that thought, it was almost as big as me, but it was beautiful, it looked like pure silk. it wasn't something to fear, it was a masterpiece. There was a spider in front of me actually making a web, it was small only the size of my little fingernail, and I bite my nails. but I still noticed it, because even the smallest make a huge difference and are capable of the most amazing things. I sit down, trying to avoid the huge puddle, even though I know it won't matter if I get any muddier.
I sat down and watched him or her make their web, I wasn't sure how long past, but the spider never gave up or took a simple way out by making a messy web. It was beautiful. The spider's pattern reminded me of the dream catcher I had in my dorm room, above my bed all last year. Because being a teacher had been my dream and was what I wanted. so I caught it and I would go back and follow it through to the end. I was going to be the teacher for the little Faes. Teaching them everything I can and seeing them all learn to fly themselves. Not physically fly but mentally. Seeing their achievements and being proud of everything they do. I would always be proud of all of them as long as they went after there hopes and dreams I would be proud and would help as many achieve there dreams as I possibly could. A sting started on my back. It felt like a had been stung? But deep down I knew I hadn’t been. It was burning and spreading in almost a pattern, almost like the spider's web in front of me.
“Oh, I get it,” I say because I think I finally did. I had been walking around wondering for the weeks what I was meant to be doing, even though I was letting my feet lead me and enjoying the adventure. I hadn’t been paying attention. I had been too much inside my own head. I had to listen and look at everything but not be hunting for signs. It wasn’t a physical journey it never had been, the rock climbing equipment had been to... For me to enjoy because I love adventures I love getting myself into fun situations. I always have, my curiosity my mom had used to say was more than the average fairy as I was a mischief in myself. I loved to explore and travel and be high up.
I get to my feet and start to walk again, letting myself explore and have fun because it really is about the time you have not the time. You could live forever but not experience anything, or you could live for days and experience a lot. I find myself running, not out of fear, but for fun. laughing and cartwheeling along just feels right! I feel like I could fly, I had loved flying in the Plane, hell I had loved Parachuting and I couldn't wait to try Hang gliding and paragliding with Patrick! What would it be like to fly, fly like a bird, to be as light as a feather to sore in the sky? If I get my wings I can try! it will be amazing. I would then be truly Free like my name. Gravity would just melt away. I lay down on the ground, and stare up at the sky above me. I didn’t mind if I was grounded nature solid dependable. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I again started thinking of Patrick, was he dependable? Part of me said no. another part said he had been put on my path for a reason, he set my spirit free, if that made sense. He was an Amaris. But I trusted him, I believed that he wasn’t responsible for his kinds previous mistakes. It was wrong of us to judge a whole species on the mistakes of some centuries before most were born. Mistakes they no longer even knew they made.
I open my eyes and look at a feather that has landed on me. I pull my bag to me, I possibly should eat now, but I look at the feather wondering if the Amaris are like a feather do they become any less beautiful because of the mistakes of the bird it belonged to. Like the bird that stole your lunch. I giggle. That bird stole my lunch! I hadn’t even realized I had got my lunch out until it snatched it from my hand. But I couldn’t be mad. That bird needed that meal, I didn’t. he had rightly hunted his meal, be it from my hand. He was free and in the sky. I get up and follow him, wanting to see where his adventures take him.
He sits in a tree mocking me as he eats my lunch. no, he wasn’t mocking me, I was still giggling still and he was singing with me. I giggle more and he sings along with me. soon I start to hum a melody long told but forgotten. The birds had been singing the whole time I had been here. Their song was beautiful. Every single species had a different song. Their songs were beautiful on there own. But together. Together they were magical. The birds were all singing around me so I decided I was going to follow there song and dance. I was going to follow there song. I was going to learn one of their songs. I knew I couldn’t learn them all but I would try to learn as many as I could. But learning one bird's song would be amazing seeing how they all worked together, no one played an unimportant role in the song. Because if they didn’t sing the music would be different. Like all their feathers their feathers were different, even the same bird would never have the exact same feather even if it was the same pattern and color, it would be unique to them. They were all different. We are all different but every single person on this planet is important. Suddenly there was a stinging on my right wrist, I turned it to look at it had I actually been stung? No, I hadn’t. I watched the pattern develop on my wrist in awe. It was beautiful. It wasn’t my whole arm but it was special like every single child is. No child is the same. It was a feather but near the end, it turned into birds. No two bird was the same color or species. It was magical. It was beautiful. It wasn’t as big as anything I had seen on the other fae. But it was me, I was a part of them all. I was part of a team a team of millions of people living on this planet.
I started walking again, my mind drifted back to Patrick. Could Patrick and I work out? Would we be magical? Why the hell had I gone back to Pat. Because deep down I realize how much I do love him. I know it was silly I barely knew him really, and we have been hiding things from each other our whole relationship. But I wanted to know him, I wanted him to know me. I didn’t want to hide who I really was from him. Why should I have to? He was air, he was meant to be a free thinker. Someone who loved adventure. Could he be my biggest adventure? Again I saw Patricks face. I didn’t care if no one accepted me being with him. I did. I wanted to be with him. If he wanted to try, I did. Maybe this really could be a way to repair the past. Did it matter if the world excepted us? No, not really, all that mattered was if we did.
I reach another cliff, again I really wanted to climb it. I didn’t care if I found nothing at the top, and had to come straight back down. It was the climb! Because the climb was the adventure, not the location. It didn’t matter where I was. If I told myself it was an adventure, it was. I knew that from books. I could explore make-believe worlds just by turning a page. Music could take you away to magical worlds. The bird's song still all around me spoke of fairytales of long ago, of now of time to come. I didn’t know what the future would bring. But it wasn’t the future that was important. It was the right now. Because even immortals are not invincible. Even the oldest can find new things. Even the youngest can see the old. The world is a never-ending circle of life. I look at a tree at the top of the cliff I had just climbed. Had I even used my rock climbing equipment? I didn’t know and I didn't even seem to care. I looked at the huge tree that looked big enough to house my whole family safely in its branches. on that tree was millions of creatures of all types. Egg caterpillars, baby birds that have just hatched. There parents. A butterfly that I watched flap its wings. It was beautiful, but I realized, not only did the butterfly have its own lifecycle its own movements. It had its own song. Yes, not as loud as a bird, not in the same way as birds. But it wasn’t silent and its noise was just as beautiful. I watched it flap its wings. Listening to its noise. Listening to all there noises. That was when the stinging went on my feet. Now that could mean I had stood on something. I was after all barefooted. I looked down at my right foot though interested to see if I had caught it on another rock, On it was another pattern developing. This was butterflies and music notes in a pattern. It only was on my foot. Starting on my big toe to my ankle. A small tiny note on my little toe. It was beautiful. All the butterflies were different colors and species as well. I didn’t want to watch my tattoo develop. I wanted to listen and watch the world around me. I didn’t fancy my hammock. I felt like I didn’t belong in that tree. Even though I knew I was welcome. I wanted for once to keep my legs on the ground and listen and breathe. Sometimes a bit of still time was needed you can't always be busy, you would never appreciate time if you were. I pull my blanket out of my bag and simply lay down. I close my eyes and listen. my back and leg and even my wrist still sting as they develop. I understand I honestly did. But at the same, I didn’t. what had any of this to do with me. but then I was and wasn’t important. Everyone had their own song and it was important. But I was just one of many.
I must have fallen asleep, I woke to louder birdsong and the sun up at lunchtime. Where had the whole night and day gone? Time goes differently here though, I already knew that. I felt amazing. Like I was on a big adventure and as light as air. Air.
I had been wondering for 4 days since my tattoos started and I knew a few things about myself. I really did want to teach, I really did want to help others learn, but I didn’t want to make them learn my opinions I wanted them to explore and learn there own. I wanted them all to learn to fly there own ways. I also knew another thing, I wanted to give being with Patrick a shot. I wanted to tell him the truth about me. I wanted to be in his arms, I wanted to explore the world with him, listen to him sing. Learn all about how he thought. I wanted to learn as well as teach. I wanted to play. Play might be the wrong word. But it was also the right one. I picked up a dandelion as I walked past it, blowing the seeds as I walked. Destiny used to tell me you could tell the time with a dandelion. When you blew it however many blows it took was the hour. It had never worked for me. it only ever took me one blow, no matter how gently or heavy I blew. I watched the wind take the seeds away. Mom used to say that the seeds carried your dream and thoughts to a loved one so always make a wish when you blow. I picked another one. I blew thinking of Destiny, my wish for her. I wanted her to be happy, to be loved, to be healthy, to be her amazing self always. To be happy and to always know I loved her. I blew and I watched the seeds flow away from me. I picked another one as I walked past. My wish for Aimee, I wished the same, I wanted her happy healthy safe loved and for all her dreams to come true. I wished the same for Immy. My other ankle was stinging but I ignored it. I didn’t need to know what was happening to me. I felt it in my heart. I wanted them all to make wishes and dreams. I wanted them all to have their dreams come true. I wanted that for everyone. I picked 10 more and I blew their seeds as I walked. Watching all the wishes spread. That’s when I got to it a field of just dandelions. I had never seen anything as beautiful as a field awaiting the wind. The wind had such an important role in the world. I thought about the importance of air and wind for the whole planet, from these flowers needing it to spread their seeds. From all the animals needing it to breathe, the plants. Everything needed the air. If this world had no air nothing would exist anymore. The air was everywhere, it wasn't just one place and it didn't care who you were or what you do. its just going to be there for you.
I lay down in the field of the dandelions looking up at all the seeds. I watched the birds fly about I thought about the importance of air. It was one of the five main elements. Spirit energy self, Earth, Fire, Water, and Air. My sister was an earth fae. My mother was earth fae. I should be earth. But I had never had that whole connection with the earth. Even as I lay on the ground now, it was the wind whistling that I felt and heard singing. I knew the earth spirit. I had met him the day of his awakening. He had come to our home for his awakening. Even though there were millions around the world even America. But he had purposely come from Austraila to America for his awakening. He was an elf. He had purposely sort my home out though when he came out. I remembered him coming out. I had been 15, we had just lost Cherish 2 month prior and to me, the self-journey was a really scary thing to do. I had watched in as much amazement as everyone else when 21-year-old Eban Dean came out of the forest. Everyone knew he was different. Everyone could feel his connection with the earth. King Eugene had been there awaiting him. I knew they had talked telepathically. I had watched in awe, as the amazing man in front of me had become an adult. Then he had seen my sister. Then he had seen Destiny. It was like she was the only person alive to him right then. At 18 and a party girl at that time whom I kidding, we still are. Destiny hadn't wanted the pressure of his attention. Knowing the earth spirit had such an important job. It was amazing though. He was the first reborn. I had watched him in amazement, all his attention on Destiny. But I hadn't felt jealous. I had felt like they were meant to be. Same as I felt about Pat for me. Destiny may not see it yet. But I do. I saw her with Eban from the moment he laid eyes on her. Then he had looked at me, I hadn't felt anything for him. Except that I knew him, or I would. Maybe it was the earth spirit inside him knowing I was earth. But I had never felt like I was earth. I lay in the field thinking about all this. I remembered Eban staying. Trying to get to know Destiny. But Destiny not being interested. Well, she secretly had been, but she hadn't wanted him to see that. She had left 9 weeks later to her first year of college. I had expected Eban to leave. I expected him to return to Australia. I had expected a lot that never happened. I should learn not to expect. Patrick had taught me that now hadn't he? That nothing was black and white. I opened my bag sitting up and had supper. Another day had passed and my birthday was getting closer. If I made it out of here, I would enjoy it. But if I didn’t. I didn’t think that was a loss anymore. I loved it in here. I really did feel free here. My thoughts just flowed and everything was just, just amazing. I lay back down once I had eaten my supper.
I looked up at the sky. The sun had set whilst I had just laid here, I looked at the stars. So clear so bright. I thought about when Destiny come out of the forest. It had been so late. I had been so worried. I was 17 at that point and I stayed at the entrance most the day. It was her birthday and she should have been coming out, she should have been out by then. the sun was due to set. I was so worried, my mother wasn't helping my nerves, keep going to the entrance and looking in like she would be able to spot her. I loved Destiny so much. I had been sat in a tree opposite where she would come out waiting for the horn, I didn't even want to think about the alternative.
“Its okay little spirit.” Eban had said. I had turned and looked at him, he was stood behind the tree on the ground, his hand touching the tree I was in as if lending the tree his strength. I had looked at him and wondered if he was spying on the exit himself. He had looked at the gap in the trees as if he knew the world's story. I didn’t doubt it. I had looked at him worried, he had climbed in the tree with me and sat on the branch next to me.
“Dandelion?” he asked me holding one out.
“I'm not hungry.” I had told him, my stomach had been in knots of fear all day.
“it isn’t for you to eat, you can wait for supper surely it has just been dinner.” he had told me teasingly, I think he had been trying to get a small smile out of me. I took it and I saw the seeds.
“make a wish.” He told me seriously.
“what should I wish for?” I asked him, not sure if I should just wish for what I wanted. my sister home safe.
“what do you want to wish for?” he asked.
‘Destinys safety.’ I thought worried, not sure if I revealed too much even to myself, but thinking it and not sharing my thought with him, seemed important to me right then, like it would more likely come true if I didn't say my wish out loud for all to hear.
‘then wish for it.’ He told me. I looked at him confused. Not because of his words but because his mouth hadn't moved. I did it to those closest to me. yes, I had done since I was a young child, it was something I just always knew how to do. I never really thought about why I had the gift. But how had this stranger, who had only been with my people so small a time known that I could. It wasn’t talked about. My parents didn’t keep it a secret, but nor did they advertise that I could talk telepathically. I wasn’t a mind reader or anything like that. Well, at least not yet anyway. If my skills went that way, I wondered if it would be a gift or a curse. I had looked at Eban. Not with fear but interest. He was the earth spirit and really a mystery. He had smiled at me as if he knew a secret that I didn’t know.
“Liberty.” He had said with a smile.
“she's going to be back any time soon. Just keep a lookout, little spirit.” He told me. I had just nodded. He then had jumped down from the tree. Leaving me sat there holding the dandelion. I had made my wish for Destinys safe happy return and blew as Eban had walked away, his back to me. I felt the wind take my wish that day. the horn had rung out the moment the wind took the seeds in its hold. I had told myself it was a coincidence. That she was there and my wish had done nothing except give a worried 17-year-old hope.
I lay on the floor under all the dandelions now. Hope was something this earth needed. The earth spirit was reborn. That surely meant the other 3 would come along sooner rather than later. I dreamed of being alive to see it. But never would I dream of being one of the spirits. I. I never got to finish my thought because the world went loud with the wind and the stinging on my left wrist made me look at it. Once it finished I knew, I knew what Eban had known back then. The wind spirit had indeed been reborn. Somehow I was the air spirit! I looked at the Celtic symbol for air on my wrist with the triangle with a line through symbol underneath it. It was tiny, but it marked me. it marked me as the air spirit. The issue, I had no idea what that meant.
‘except you’ve found yourself.’ Eugene's voice said in my head matter of fact. Well yes, there was that, but it made me have more questions. Who and what was I. but then maybe just maybe this self-journey wasn’t for me to truly find myself. Maybe it was for me to forget the old me and work out what part of the old me I wanted to keep. Maybe the fact I needed to be reminded about dreams and wishes and songs and. I had learned so much that I hadn't even thought about. I lay under the dandelions. A smile went to my lips. I had learned a lot, I had an adventure. Who knows who I really will become. But the future is that the future and its mine to make.