So, my dad was a big, naked, creepy, elf.
Not exactly what I’d expected when I’d imagined finding and meeting my father. There had been more apologies for a start, you know, like ‘sorry I missed all your birthdays’, or ‘sorry I couldn’t be there when you were in that school play that one time and fell off the stage because you got dazzled by your own sparkles.’
Which incidentally had officially been the day that I’d given Serena the Best friend for life title. I mean, obviously she’d laughed and pointed like everyone else, it was Serena after all, but she’d also turned murderous eyes on all the other little witches for daring to laugh at her best friend, because, she might be able to take the piss, but no one else could.
She was cute like that.
No, when I’d had fantasies of meeting the man that had assisted in my creation, at no point had I imagined what I’d finally been presented with.
An oily, arrogant, leader of his own personal dirty hareem.
I feel a little let-down by the Goddess to be honest, I mean, I appreciate being born and all, but...really? This guy?
As I packed essentials for our little trip to the elf realm - potions, lotions, and of course sparkly underwear because no one wants to be caught without spare panties in a whole other realm - I thought about the life that I’d had without the man I now had to call my father.
I hadn’t missed him to be honest, kind of hard to miss what you didn’t remember, and if I’d ever met him before I certainly hadn’t been old enough for him to leave a lasting impression on me. But I certainly hadn’t missed being one of the only few children in the West Coast without a father and you can be sure that some of the other little kids hadn’t let me forget that fact either.
Witch bitches were mean.
Of course my first eight years of life had been single parent stigma - as if I was somehow lacking because I was missing the person that had impregnated my mother. After my birth mother’s death from an unfortunate sail and subsequent fiery crash landing off the edge of a precarious mountain pass, I had totally one upped all the little bitches in spell school. I’d left with one mother and come back with two, shoving their faces in the fact that I may be missing a father, but I’d just doubled their mother quota, even if said mothers were mostly the free-love, acid-high, inappropriately naked kind of parents.
They may have flashed nip to most of my peers, but they also made damn sure that no one messed with their little blonde sparkly witch, because no one could make a kid cry quite like two lesbians with synchronised PMS - the rage was always instant and excessive.
I’d seen them coming from a mile away, and not just because they were glaringly shameless with a free for all vagina show, but also because I’d literally seen them coming for years before the fateful day that had killed my birth mother.
I have to confess that I’d had moments in my young life when I’d thought I’d gone a little mad. I mean I’d literally known my mother would die years before she’d taken that freefall so I hadn’t been exactly surprised when the Council had shown up on my doorstep with sad and consoling expressions. As horrible as that day was, it was also affirmation that I wasn’t one of those kids - You know the creepy ones that go all village of the damned on the adult population and have to be rounded up by a torch wielding mob and locked away in institutions that have strict rules against things like hairbrushes and anything on the colour wheel past white and grey. I don’t think I could have survived without colour, it’s kind of necessary to my sanity - most of my vision is edged in hues of the rainbow anyway so it’s kind of important to reflect that in my clothing choices.
So when my two new mothers had shown up to collect me, so obviously bra-less that it made it difficult to look them in the eyes, I’d already had my bags packed and my coat on, sat on the bottom step of the stairs in one of the Council member’s houses, patiently waiting on the ‘two naked ladies that were coming to get me’. That particular Council member still avoids me to this day and I still don’t know whether it’s because I weirded him out with my premonition or if he thought I was a freaky kid with both sexual and mental issues.
I stopped telling people things after that, I’d figured I should try to actively avoid being sent to therapy, it probably wouldn’t have worked out well for me.
So taking a trip to the same realm that my newly found father had escaped to after kidnapping my new witch friend wasn’t exactly high on my list of things I wanted to do today. I mean, if he didn’t have Lily, I probably would have just let him walk away and tried very hard to forget he even existed. I’ve managed to get all the way to twenty three years of age without him - of course sometimes that was touch-and-go, but usually only when Serena accidentally attempted to kill me - I doubt there’s much he could offer now that I desperately needed.
I put the final few items in two backpacks and put them both on the table, Lucian scattering out of the way from his watchful perch on the table-top. I sighed as he ducked his little lizard head and scampered to hide behind one of the backpacks although I knew he’d keep one beady eye on my movements at all times.
Honestly he was quite possibly the best thing to ever happen to me. When I’d imagined the Goddess granting me a familiar, dragon had never even crossed my mind. I was always the half witch and half something no one understood so I was never supposed to get the awesome familiar and when I did, well, I just about cried in relief because finally no one could say that I was less witch and more parts unknown.
It was the best day of my life.
And no one had dared say a bad word in hearing distance of him since that day he slithered up my leg, got slightly dazzled by my excited sparkles, and poofed into dragon complete with a surprised belch of fire and singed the crap out of every bystander within five feet.
So the fact that he had blatantly lied to me for the entire year that I’d thought we’d kind of become so in tune that we could be the same person, hurt to the point that I couldn’t look at him without my chest aching. He wasn’t supposed to let me down like that, you know? I’d put all my trust in him and it was supposed to be safe because he was my pet familiar and he literally couldn’t break my trust.
I guess both mine and Serena’s familiars were a little different though so maybe the rules don’t apply to them in the same way, which massively sucks butt because now my glitter is all over the place and I can’t keep my premonitions in order.
Hence why I’ve just stuffed like twenty pink, glittery balloons in the cabinets and the kitchen looks like I’ve sneezed and thrown up sparkles in a projectile vomit kind of way.
That’s the last time I try and throw a baby shower without checking there’s an actual baby first. On the plus side though, the baby I saw was a real cutie and Serena will be very happy to know that she looks totally human and not at all feline in any way, so at least she won’t be kidnapped by the humans for medical testing, but it also means that I can’t now suggest baby names like mittens and gizmo which totally ruins the next twenty years of my pun life.
Of course one massive issue with Lucian lying to me is the fact that when he first came to me a year ago he was quite a bit smaller than he is now - in dragon form that is. In the twelve months that I’ve had him he’s grown something like five hundred pounds in weight and added another few feet in height and as lovely as that is, my brain instantly shot to the fact that it’s pretty much a certainty that Lucian is a man somewhere within all that dragon and it makes me really worried that all the time I’ve had him he’s been going through familiar puberty and I’ve just inadvertently warped his poor mind by being wilfully naked and, well, the whole dragon riding and burning villages thing.
I might have ruined my dragon for all time, glitter-poofed him until he followed my will and in ten years time I’ll be the wicked witch of the West with an army of broken familiars and the slave dragon that’s bent to my will with only sparkles and pouting - not that I’m admitting manipulation tactics but I’m fully aware that people will do stuff for me when I dazzle them enough - it’s less manipulation and more like swaying, slightly, maybe...
Then of course I wonder if this part of my personality comes from my father because he seemed like he wouldn’t mind a little dictatorship, what with the scantily clad elf slaves and all.
I’ve been trying to get Lucian to change to human but so far he’s resisting, either that or he’s actually just a dragon and rather than sorrow, his black beady eyes have been trying to communicate just how stupid he thinks his witch has turned. Whichever one it is, he’s going to have to help me fix it soon, I can’t keep having power fluctuations like these, not only have my premonitions been off but now I’m glitter-sploding stuff that I don’t want to glitter-splode and I’m seriously annoyed that I keep using that phrase that Serena made up like it’s an actual word.
“Come on, Gypsy, let’s go!”
Speak of the devil and she shall appear. “I’m coming! Don’t leave without me!” Because the bitch totally would just to mess with me.
“Did you pack everything?”
Well I packed stuff. Don’t know if it’s stuff we’ll actually need but that’s what happens when you give the important jobs to a witch who just sparkles for a living. “Yep, all done, can we stop for coffee?” Because I had a feeling I’d need to be slightly high for this trip and caffeine is as good as Grams’ weed for my already overly active brain.
“Fuck no. I just got you into pants after I had to rip that princess dress off you, if I give you coffee you’ll have your vagina out on show again.”
I screeched, a little because she has zero confidence in my ability to hold my caffeine and a little because she was mostly right. “Listen, PG, go ride your pussy and get off my arse.” I threw one of the backpacks at Serena and managed to make her oomph as it slammed into her chest, prohibiting any response from leaving her big mouth.
I ran for Beryl - because Serena still hadn’t picked up her own car which made me think that as much as she sneered at my glitter car she actually loved it - throwing my own backpack into the back seat and catching Lucian frantically trying to scramble into the front seat. He was mildly affronted when he lost front seat privileges to my best friend and got stuck in the back seat with Cat again.
As soon as he let his human out I was asking him why he seemed to hate that cat so much - I’m sure it was Cat’s fault, I mean Lucian was nowhere near his level of vanity to cause such animosity between them and I’m sure my dragon wouldn’t do anything that bad.