This place was magical. I’m talking unicorns and sparkling clouds and candy floss grass that bounced beneath your feet as you walked.
I totally should have worn my princess dress.
“What is it, My treasure?” Lucy grunted at me, obviously seeing the frown scrunching my nose and pushing out my lips.
I sighed in displeasure. “This is not the right outfit for an elf realm.” I pulled at my tie-dyed vest that I’d bedazzled until it shimmered almost as brightly as I did. “I’m way under-dressed for unicorns,” I grumbled.
He flashed his teeth at me and I shivered in terror. To be fair, he had unusually sharp teeth in human form. “Unicorns?” He questioned, then shook his head, “It does not do your sparkles justice,” He grunted, “but I enjoy how it stretches over your teats.”
Huh. My mouth gaped open widely. “Um. Thank you?” Because I felt the need to be polite even though I wasn’t quite sure if that was a compliment.
He patted my back softly, then faced forward once more, ignoring Grams as she winked at him and wriggled her eyebrows while blatantly staring at his dick.
I liked Grams, like, really liked Grams, but I swore that if she kept staring at his constant erection then I was going to glitter-bomb her back to the human realm.
He was my familiar, and only I could perv-stare at his massive penis.
Okay so I probably wasn’t supposed to be giving myself permission to stare but it was kind of hard to avoid looking at him. Luckily, since he had yet to put me down, it was only everything from the waist up that was slowly driving me to distraction. To the point that I was seriously considering sticking my tongue out and licking his muscled pecs just to see if he actually tasted like the smoked spices he smelt of.
I’m sure lots of witches licked their familiars. Nothing weird about that at all.
“Your dragon makes a lovely human, Hayley,” Grams prodded slyly, thrusting her new boobs in his direction like a sort of grotesque offering.
Luckily for Lucy, a grimace passed over his face rather than anything remotely like interest. I wasn’t about to name the firey ball feeling that was twisting my stomach into a burning ache everytime Grams stared at my dragon but I was pretty sure it was an indication that I was about to explode the next time she looked at his penis.
That’s my penis! I don’t know why my brain kept screaming that at me but for once I managed to keep my mouth shut and not yell it at Serena’s slightly mental grandmother.
Her little grin and manic cackle told me she had accomplished whatever thing her twisted brain had set out to do and she gleefully skipped back over to Serena and proceeded to stare at Cat instead.
A screaming match ensued and I began to think that the old witch was much more demented than I’d originally thought.
“I am glad your mounds are not that massive,” Lucy grunted at me, “Yours will fit perfectly in my hands.”
My eyes instantly flicked to one of those huge hands, keeping a light constant pat against my thigh as if it were its purpose in life. I squirmed in his hold and tried for an affronted glare though I don’t think I pulled it off very well. “Your hands won’t be touching my mounds,” I declared, then winced, “Boobs, they’re called boobs.” And I don’t know what he was used to but I was definitely more Grams than Serena. I was short and curvy, and even though the old witch’s boobs were inflated monstrosities mine weren’t small by any stretch of the imagination.
“There will be touching,” He countered with a snarl, “and squeezing and pinching and licking and-”
I slapped a hand over his mouth as his words continued to increase in volume, glitter poofing in nervous floods of blushing pink. “You can’t touch my boobs! They’re mine!” I squealed as if that were the only logical reason for him to keep his grabby paws to himself.
He grumbled a muffled shout but my palm worked well enough that it distorted his answer. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what he had to say. Besides, I pouted to myself, he still hadn’t explained his lying little lizard butt and I had to remember that I was going to find an elf to take my well-past-its-sell-by-date virginity not my familiar who may or may not have recently gone through dragon puberty.
Although considering he currently looked like a rugged viking, It seemed silly to imagine him as anything but fully grown.
Smoke leaked through the tiniest of spaces between my palm and his lips, warming my fingers to pleasantly tingling and I found myself smiling even as his eyes narrowed dangerously. “Shush, Lucy, bad dragon,” I needled, finding the increasing plumes of smoke oddly hilarious. I giggled as my fingers tingled with more warmth and just as my dragon-man was growling deep within his chest, a shout from the the front of our party interrupted.
“Just ahead please.” Sierra’s melodic voice instructed and I wiggled with increasing frustration in Lucian’s arms until he finally grunted and allowed me to turn and face forward.
“Oooh,” I cooed at the sight, “That’s pretty.”
A huge white castle sat on top of the tallest mountain in the near distance, turrets stretching so high into the sky that they seemed to almost touch the dainty purple clouds. A backdrop of forest dotted with every shade of pink and purple imaginable rose beyond the castle walls and a glistening white drawbridge arched gracefully over silver dappled water.
“Definitely should have worn my princess dress,” I mumbled with a sigh.
“Ah,” Sierra whipped around again with a pleased smile, “only a few moments, our King has sent his carriage.”
I stretched in Lucian’s arms, using his broad shoulders as pull-up bars to try and scale him like a playground climbing frame. He seemed a little annoyed by this judging from the smoke and grunts he let loose but honestly, I was his witch, he was literally on Earth to serve me so I figured I should probably take advantage of that where I could. I ended up awkwardly hanging from his shoulders, with boost from his hand, pushing my butt up so I could be as tall as he was and see for miles around.
The large open top carriage, gold in colour and inlaid with jewels large and sparkly enough to be worth a small planet, moved steadily towards us pulled by six prancing white horses with coats that glimmered just as brightly as the carriage in the sun. All those hooves thudding against the bouncy grass created enough noise that I almost, but not quite, missed the snide kitty as he once again managed to cause chaos.
“Perhaps, Lizard, you can steal the elf’s carriage and keep his jewels instead of the one’s you stole from our Goddess,” his violet eyes gleamed with rabid bitch and I was pretty sure he was bored just listening to Serena argue with Grams and had decided to make his own fun. “They are not quite the priceless gems you took but if you’re looking for our Goddess’ forgiveness then perhaps you should make an attempt to return that which you stole.”
Smoke billowed around my head. I squeaked as I slid down Lucian’s chest to try and avoid choking to death. A snap of teeth made me shiver and I kept sliding down until I could put my feet firmly on the floor.
“You will cease your gossiping, you flea-ridden pet!” Lucian roared.
I quickly slapped my hands over my ears and winced at the volume, poofing nervous glitter that sprinkled to the ground rather than rising into the air in giant clouds of shimmer. It was definitely a bad idea to have both familiars in human form within feet of each other and apparently my dragon was not even slightly remorseful about the last time they’d lost their tempers and had brought Serena’s house down around us. Luckily there was no property around that either of us owned and I found I had no feelings either way about destroying anything my perv-dad owned.
Grams, grinning widely, clapped her hands with glee and bounced on the spot, her huge boobs moving as one separate entity from the rest of her body. “Yay! Naked fight!”
Remembering they were both still completely naked was a bit of a shock. I mean, it’s not like I’d forgotten but seeing as I’d seen so much Cat-dick lately, and now also Dragon-dick, it’s like my eyes had seen it so often my brain just sort of blanked it out until it caught me off guard suddenly.
“Do not fight!” Serena yelled and pointed at Cat.
He ignored her pointed finger and hissed at Lucian.
Lucian responded with a snap of his teeth, patting my hair lightly when I shivered at the sight, and promptly launched himself at Cat.
“Lucy no!” I screamed after him, but my voice quickly became lost under the growls and hisses that thundered as Lucian slammed into Cat and took them both to the floor.
“They just touched dicks,” Grams yelled and pointed, the bouncing becoming more frantic, “they totally just touched dicks!”
I found myself standing next to Serena and Grams, my feet having moved without thought, making sure I was on the opposite side to Dead-Eric who was currently hiding behind a wide-eyed and nervous looking Sierra. “Please make them stop,” she urged, “our king is expecting us shortly.” Worried fingers intertwined and twisted as she pleaded.
Ignoring her, both Serena and I bent at the waist to peer at the two naked males wrestling on the ground, avidly watching as first Lucian slammed Cat into the ground and then Cat twisted his hips and flipped to send Lucian slamming into the ground.
“Nah,” Serena frowned, “the dragon is taller, that’s Cat’s stomach.”
I tilted my head. “He’s not that much taller.” Lucian sent an elbow straight into Cat’s jaw and the feline flew backwards to sprawl ungainly on the floor, grunting in effort as Lucy launched himself on top again and sat on the kitty’s thighs as he pounded his fists into Cat’s face. I blinked and licked my lips. “Okay that angle is better, they’re definitely touching dick now.”
Grams giggled girlishly. “Yes! Pound him, just like that,” she sighed in appreciation, “you know this is almost like that time I went to France and spent the weekend as a meat filler in a sexy sandwich.”
Serena gagged. “Ew, Grams! Goddess I don’t need to know this stuff!”
Grams rolled her eyes. “Pea, you’re playing hide the cat-nip with your familiar, I don’t believe I’ve yet to sink to your level of debauchery ”
Serena flushed bright red. I held my breath as I attempted to smother the giggles that threatened to burst out of my mouth. I failed miserably. “Ha! Catnip!”
My BFF glared at me with a promise to set something of mine on fire - it was a pointless threat as she had already set most things on fire by accident, so I continued to giggle as the naked familiars writhed on the bouncy grass.
“Remove your shaft from my thigh!” The Cat demanded as he strangled the dragon with two large fists around his neck.
A grumble worked it’s way out of the dragon’s lips, smoke preceding its escape. “Remove your shaft from my hip,” he grunted as he broke the Cat’s grip of his throat and grabbed a hold of his hair to yank his head up before repeatedly slamming it into the ground.
“Dirty jewel thief,” the Cat hissed, before punching Lucian in the face, sending the dragon to sprawling.
“Mangy pest,” the dragon returned, quickly throwing himself at Cat once again.
Wheels and hooves finally rolled to stop, the horses unnaturally quiet as they came to an instant halt. The gold carriage shifted with a low squeak as it rocked, alerting us to someone being aboard the transport.
An expectant clearing of a throat and Sierra’s gasp and quick drop to floor on her knees with her face so low it almost pressed against the floor meant it was probably the perv-dad elf.
I think Dead-Eric may have turned in his direction, but all the witches continued to watch the naked wrestling.
“Daughter,” Thereon interrupted, “what is the meaning of this?”
Serena waved a dismissive hand. “Ssh, elf-guy, the naked men are fighting.”
Giggles rose again and I found myself gasping for breath while glitter poured out of me in uncontrollable waves.
Perv-dad made a sound of annoyance, the carriage creaked again as he alighted, and then where everyone else had previously failed, he managed to instantly stop my giggle fit.
“You need to refrain from carelessly letting that stuff leak from your mouth while you are in my kingdom,” He sniffed, “only the low-born have little control like you display.”
I whined pathetically, still refusing to look at him and barely heard Serena’s cursing.
“Take your beast to heel or he will not be allowed entrance to the castle,” a long finger obscured my vision as he pointed past me to Lucian, who was frozen still as he registered the elf’s appearance, one fist still wrapped around Cat’s throat while the feline had a chuck of Lucian’s other forearm trapped between his teeth.
He tutted at Sierra as I finally brought my gaze up to see his still half-naked form dressed in the same extra tight leather pants, though these ones were a dark blue rather than the black. “You are late, I had to ride out to see what was taking so long.”
“Forgive me, my king, we were,” she hesitated, “delayed?” She winced.
“Hmm,” he frowned, then looked over my clothing much as I’d done with his. “What are you wearing?” His nose crinkled in distaste.
I whined again, my hair flattening to my scalp, and I caught the lightning fast reflexes of Grams as she grabbed a hold of Serena’s wrist before she flung herself at the elf.
Smoke was pouring from Lucian’s mouth once more and his grip tightened around Cat’s throat. Serena twisted her wrist and attempted to free herself from Grams, though the old witch was deceptively strong.
I quickly straightened my shoulders and forced my head up, looking my perv-dad in the face and pushing a thin smile to appear on my lips. My dragon had promised not to eat the elf-king and at this rate, he would break his promise before we’d even made it to the castle. That, or Serena would set him on fire. I needed to stop whining and at least get what we came for before we completely destroyed any and all relations between this realm and our own, started a war, or generally cocked everything up.
“Clothes,” I answered his question with a grim smile, turned to the others and reluctantly smiled wider, probably less happy and more like a highly functioning maniac. “Let’s go then,” I insisted, avoiding looking at Serena who peered at me with disbelieving narrowed eyes.
I quickly jumped on the carriage and seated myself, knowing Lucian would follow, and crossed my fingers when the crazy fire-witch sauntered by the elf-king.
“You talk about her glitter like that again and I’ll have fun burning small and unnecessary parts of you,” she hissed as she passed, deliberately glancing at his groin.
I don’t know what I was worried about. I grinned and hid my smile as she settled next to me, a frown twisting her face and a glare fixed on the elf-king.
I was totally going to tell her that her cat-witch baby was going to be the cutest thing ever.