2015. Six months earlier
Israel. Bat Yam. Waterfront apartment
— Will you leave me for a while and go away so that I won’t hear you? — I addressed my “invisible friend.” Standing in the bathroom of a guy, I was acquainted with, l ran my fingers along a lock of hair, straightening it.
“As you like,” — he replied.
— I cannot feel your presence at this moment.
“I’ve already gone”.
— Shut up, and then I’ll understand that you are not here. And don’t come back until I call you.
“Yes, no problem, I’ve got it all. Have fun.
I left the bathroom and went to the living room, there, on the sofa opposite a large plasma TV, which screen flashed with the pictures of MTV clips, Efi was waiting for me. I sat down next to him, turned half-around and put my elbow on the back of the sofa, ran my fingers through my hair, flowing a pair of strands between them, playing a little.
— Efi, can you give me your T-shirt? This dress constrains my ribs, — I said in Hebrew. I smoothened down my black mini-dress with my free hand, freeing up some space for the breasts constrained with décolleté.
Efi’s eye automatically fell on the spot where it should have gone.
— Yes, even two. — Smiling in anticipation, he got up and went into his bedroom.
I met Efi a couple of weeks ago. Efi — a young guy with the body proportions matching my taste, olive skin, dark-haired, in excellent physical shape. Hot, southern blood ran through his veins. A great choice for infrequent and pleasant meetings. On one of my working nights in the strip club, where I worked at the period of the events described, he asked me to give him my phone number, which I agreed to do without hesitation
— Here you are. — Returning to the living room, Efi handed me a neatly folded T-shirt.
I took it from his hands, turned my back on him, threw the T-shirt on the table and pulled off my dress, it really constrained me, then put on a loose T-shirt and conveniently sat back on the sofa.
— I‘ve got some stuff to smoke, — offered Efie, taking a transparent bag of grass from the pocket of his jeans.
— I only smoke normal cigarettes, and you can smoke what you want, it doesn’t bother me.
— Then a little bit later.
He threw the bag on the coffee table, where a bottle of whiskey, that we had already started, was standing, moved closer to me, kissed me, trembling a little and tensely. He tried to seem confident, but was touching my chest which hang freely under the loose T-shirt rather clumsily. When he lay atop, I tried to play along as best as I could, giving him confidence. While kissing I patted him, moaned, wrapped my legs around him, arching my back.
— You’re so good and nice, — I whispered in his ear.
He pulled up the T-shirt that I was wearing, then began kissing my belly timidly, his short kisses were coming down lower and lower.
“What are you doing?”
— You said you would leave, — I replied in my mind to my “invisible friend.”
“And you have promised that it won’t come to sex. And you began to seduce him”.
— I’ve changed my mind. Go away, quickly.
By this moment, Efi had already begun to pull off my panties and, having finished this action, he lowered his head, spread my legs wider, and set his soft tongue between them. I pulled towards him, trying to experience a sharp sense of pleasure, but eventually it didn’t come. I relaxed every centimeter of my muscles, falling backwards into the soft surface of the sofa, but everything happening to me was just like a worn out porn movie episode, and no crazy sensations.
“Well, well, well, I’ve gone. But I’ll tell you something before that. Imagine that you are with him. Close your eyes and imagine that it is him”.
I threw my head back, covering my eyes, took a deep breath, and I changed the current reality. For the first time, a sense of blissfulness that lurked deep inside me burst out and pierced me at the very point where that bloke’s tongue, “what-d’ye-call-him?”, Ephi, was sliding along, flew through my body with a nervous tremor, causing my heart to sound incredibly strong, with deafening beats against the chest.
— Come here, — I said breathing out, and wrapped my arms around his massive muscular neck and pulled him to myself.
With quick movements, leaning on one arm, he pulled off his pants and started kissing my breasts. I did bidding of my “invisible friend”, imagined another person (the one I had never met, but knew that he was somewhere), and at the moment I was touching him. My hands groped his shoulders, big and elastic, — those very shoulders. The hair on the back of his head, went through my palms, was smooth and dense, — the very hair. The lips that started kissing mine are those very lips. He seemed to have merged with me, appeared in reality. I did not want to open my eyes, I was afraid that he would disappear.
His fingers, gripping me forcefully on the sides at the waist, stopped trembling. His movements were fast, hard and confident when he moved his hips, penetrating into me. Small cramps began to run through my body, shaking with passion and pleasure.
He stopped for a few seconds, I heard his muffled, hoarse, not blissful, but rather painful groan near my ear. He raised himself up, clasping my thighs, with a powerful push entered me, and I opened my eyes.
His filmy eyes fixed into my face, and it wasn’t Efi’s look, his fingers tightened on my thighs.
— Hush, don’t move, — he said, and slid his palm along my body, from the navel to the base of the neck, then squeezed it slightly and leaned over me. With the tip of his nose he ran along my cheek and pressed his smiling lips to my temple. — Hello baby.
His harsh, low voice caused a feeling of gaining the lost, joy, mixed with pain due to long parting. Tears came to my eyes, I sobbed and hugged him tightly, It seemed to me I understood everything at that moment.
— I couldn’t resist. — His hands slipped under my bare back, he caught me and lifted me, pressed me to him, burying his lips in my hair, and whispered: — Forgive me.
I lost him, his arms loosened, being unconscious, Efi leaned on me, pressing me to the sofa, still excited, still in me, and after a couple of seconds came to life. Lifting his head in my palms, I kissed him, pushed my hips, making light circular motions, after which he gave a sweet moan and everything was over. Having slipped out from under his limp body, I hurried into the shower.
— You know, I had completely forgotten to leave the cat food when I left, — returning to Efi, I began to glance frantically around the lobby of his apartment, looking for my clothes.
“A cat? Poor starving cat, which you have never had. You amazed me! — my “invisible friend” left his caustic comment, to whom I had a separate and unpleasant talk.
— Can you stay, we’ll have a drink? I feel so good with you, — Efi said. He looked kindly. So kindly, that my heart sank for a second. It seems that everything went well for him, without losing consciousness. He clearly understood that I was trying to leave as soon as possible, because the obvious haste in my dressing ruled out other assumptions.
— I have to go, — I said shortly.
Everything that could be understood then, flashed in moments. I pulled the doorknob. It heavily slammed behind my back. My heels drummed down the stairs as I descended to the first floor. I ran out into the street, and I was hit in the face by the moist sea air, soaking up my dress and skin. I crossed the road and found myself taking off my shoes. Ran down the stone stairs to the beach. My bare feet stepped on the sand, a few steps — and I fell to my knees, clasping my head with both hands.
— What was it all about? What have you done? What tricks are you playing? — I spoke in a trembling downed voice.
“I didn’t do anything; it’s all your imagination. You asked me to leave, I left.”
— Somewhat too strong imagination I have. Do you think I’m a complete idiot? Don’t lie to me. You must explain. Who was that?
At that moment, when “He” was pressing me to him on Ephi’s sofa, I understood everything. I knew the answers to my questions, but these answers disappeared somewhere. Everything will be completely formed in my mind and will be remembered only in a few months, when “He” will have nothing to hide.
“Anna, I’m sorry, but I cannot explain it to you” said my “invisible friend” in his natural, balanced tone.
— How in the world you drive me mad! Why?! What’s the problem?! — I blurted out; absolutely ignoring the fact that nearby, on the shore of the sandy beach, there could be strangers (most likely, they were there) who could hear my indignant shouts, addressed not known to whom, perfectly well. That’s all, I guess I went nuts!
“Stop it, it’s not like that.”
— Then where is he, huh? Where!? I felt him!
“Somewhere, but not here.”
— Well, come on! If you don’t want to, don’t tell. I’m not going to talk to you anymore. And I don’t want to know people’s thoughts, and I don’t want to use this knowledge. I don’t need it all, and neither do I need you! My imagination, damn it! — I threw one shoe into the sea out of spite, it was followed by the second one, with an even greater swing.
Later, when I was returning barefoot to the empty walls of my rented apartment, I cursed myself for what I had done. Because I rubbed off and crippled my feet, walking on rough paving slabs, stepping on small pieces of stone and glass, which happened now and then under my feet.
“You are a muddle head and too emotional. You’ve got to sleep at night and get rid of all unnecessary habits, then the head will begin to work better”, my “invisible friend” drew attention to himself.
— Leave me alone! Where did you come from again! It makes no difference what happens to me next. These obsessive thoughts about a person from the past who did not exist begin to turn into paranoia. That’s why it appears, it seems… it. I have no idea who he is and how he is associated with me, but you know it for sure.
“No, how can I know that”.
— All you can do is shirk and lie. And I called you a friend. It might be someone who needs help, and I can help him. And you… you. That’s it, get lost! I blurted out angrily. My words echoed in the silence of the empty night streets.
Approaching a four-story residential building where “my temporary home” was located, I met a girl familiar to me who I worked at the club with and went to the “field”. With a quick step, she went ajog along the pavement, her long brown hair was flying up against the wind, revealing a tense grimace on her beautiful face. It was not difficult to guess that she was scared and excited about something.
— Alina!? — I called to her after she had passed by without noticing me, as she was stubbornly soldierlike walking along the street.
I caught up with her, grabbed her hand above the elbow and stopped her. She pulled her hand out in dismay and jumped away.
— Ah, Karina, — she heaved a sigh of relief, trying to fix her nervously running pupils on my face. — Here, listen, it’s such a thing, I’m hiding from the police, walking down the street as if “neither here not there.”
— There is no police here, relax.
— There is, they are everywhere. I’m scared.
— What did you take?
— You’d better ask what I didn’t take today, — she laughed, as if in a fit, leaned forward, resting her hands on her knees, then abruptly straightened and, pulling her lips to my ear, whispered: — I can’t stay in one place for a long time, they will notice. Come with me, I have a great powder.
— No, I am not fit for walking, — I made a remark, looking down at my knocked-down feet.
— You’ve had a great walk. OK, I’ve got to go, just go non-stop.
And she left, went on her way towards the sea, and I was standing and watching her go. It looks like… well without a doubt it doesn’t look like anything, I now looked no better than her she did. Though not ripped up after the drug, but drunk, disheveled, pathetic and crumpled and also barefoot.
With a sigh of sorrow and realizing that nothing could be done about it, I trudged home in the light of the full moon, floating over the roofs of houses, and my own shadow accompanying me, which every now and then manifested itself, gliding alongside the paving slabs in the reflection of the lanterns.