~ 12 ~
I cannot believe I actually told her. I do not know what I was planning to do, but I am certain it did not include Shadow finding out about my curse. I feel like I acted selfishly by telling her; it is like I somehow put myself before her. I chose to tell her the one thing I have been yearning to tell her ever since I saw her wounded in my parents’ house. I should have restrained my emotions and chose her. She does not deserve to be locked up in this place for the rest of her days. She does not deserve the baggage that comes with being part of this pack, the baggage that comes with being my mate.
Amoux thinks otherwise; he claims that a werewolf is at their happiest when they are with their mate no matter the circumstances. It is not that I disagree with him, but Shadow will have to sacrifice almost everything to be with me, while I literally have to sacrifice nothing. That is not fair, and I refuse to be okay with it.
Despite our different opinions on the matter, we both enjoyed being cocooned in our mate’s arms. As a kid, my mother used to describe to me how heavenly it feels to be in your mate’s arms. None of her depictions came close to express how it actually felt. It felt like home. For the first time in five years I felt safe to demonstrate how I really feel, I felt safe to cry.
I never expected her to react the way she did. Still, her reaction gives me hope; she cares for me. Maybe not as a mate, but it is something that I never thought will happen. So, I will embrace it and I will be grateful for it. Perhaps, she will fall in love with me the human way. Although it is not what I had initially wanted, but if it actually occurs, then I will be happy until the day I die.
For once, I am not afraid or reluctant to have hope. I cannot detect the precise reason, but I know that today was a gift that even my curse could not forbid me from.
I feel guilty for having these thoughts; I do believe that Shadow deserves better than me. But if shadow does not run away from me once I tell her what my curse is, then I will not try to push her away. But I will not try to persuade her to stay either. It will be her decision, and I will not interfere in the slightest. After all, she is the one who will be giving me a gift, not the other way around. Even though I want to be able to give her the life she must have dreamed of as a child; to be loved by her mate and to be treated like a queen because with the way she acts, I never thought that Shadow would have experienced something as horrific as losing a sibling. I barely know her, but I do not get that sad aura from her which makes me think that perhaps she is hurting too. She just knows how to hide it as well as I do. I definitely wanted to ask a few more questions about Diamanda, but I had to stop myself. She did not try to force me to say more than I was willing to, and she deserves to be granted the same treatment.
I reckon that Diamanda’s murder is the reason Shadow has issues with her family, but I will not make presumptions because I know how hurtful they can be. So, I will wait until she hopefully trusts me enough to tell me.
I cannot help but picture how life with Shadow would be like. To be able to hug her and kiss her whenever I want; to mark her, to wake up every day beside her. Butterflies erupt in my stomach at the thought especially since her embrace felt like I was tucked in a thick warm blanket, and it was the most peaceful I have felt in years.