I’m back home, but I don’t ever leave my room. I can hardly get out of my bed these days, the only time I can get out of my bed is to get a drink of whiskey. Stumbling around I reach the bathroom and take a good look at myself, my braid is messy but keeps my hair from matting, my eyes are dead, void of any life.
I’ve lost a lot of weight, my skin now clings to my bones in an unhealthy way. The purple under my eyes from my lack of sleep brings out my eye color, I’m out of breath by the time I make it back to my bed and the only thing I do is take a swig out of my bottle.
Netflix is on in the background but I don’t really see what I have playing, I just stare at the tv unseeing. Whiskey sleep is shit but it’s the only way I can close my eyes and see him.
I stepped outside for the first time today, the hot air slamming into me, the sun burning my eyes almost brings me to my knees. The bottle in my hand raises to my lips and I take a swig, swaying I let my toes meet the overgrown green grass. I stumble toward the creek where I met Orion, but I don’t stop at the edge of the creek, I fall into it, letting my head sit under the water for probably a little too long but I see Ryker for the first time in 60 days.
Our faces are directly across from each other but his face is different before, it’s no longer the light happy Ryker I knew before, its heavy and dead just like mine. The light in his eyes has been put out by Aspens death, but theirs also an anger inside of him that I never saw before. This Ryker is no longer the Ryker I loved, he’s gone.
My lungs burn but I’m not ready for his face to disappear yet, I miss him. My head surfaces and I suck air into my protesting lungs, I let the tears fall from my face as I sit in the water trying to feel something other than this pain. All I ever do is cry and drink, I need something to bring me back to life.
I can breath again, but I can’t sleep without the whiskey. The alcohol lets me see Rykers face still, but I wish it would let me see my dead mate. Ever since I got back here I thought I would start seeing Orion again but so far he hasn’t come to see me in my dreams, its been Rykers lips touching mine. It has been all those moments we shared together that made us happier than we’ve been in years and all the love we felt between us.
I eat today, its a small meal but its the first time I’ve been able to eat a full meal without throwing it back up. In the past I’ve only been able to stomach a cracker or two but now I think I’m in the healing process of my grief.
This is the month my nightmares started.
Back to when Orion was killed, but this is where I get to see Rykers hand slice his throat. It’s the same nightmare every night, I watch as the two loves of my life destroy each other, the two men who would be such good friends if given the chance, destroy me.
Tonight is different though, its like I’m in Orions body. Rykers hand pulls on my hair exposing my neck and its my neck that his sharp blade slices through, its my life that he takes. Gasping I sit up in my bed the blankets clinging to my sweaty body, my hands fly to my neck to checking to see if my arteries are still intact.
I won’t sleep tonight, that’s been one of the worst dreams I’ve ever had. Grabbing the bottle I relish the burn I feel as it goes down my throat. Pacing the house I smile as I see deer roaming through our backyard, I think this is the first time I’ve actually smiled in 4 months, It feels good.
The nightmares are slowly coming to a stop, it’s been a week since I’ve had one and I finally feel myself getting into a safe routine, I feel myself healing. I’ve accepted the loss of my family now, I know they will never come back and I know that someday I will join them but today is not my day to leave this world.
I can feel other things again, it’s not just pain anymore. I can feel joy when I am in the greenhouse attempting to tame the wild mess that has occurred in the last couple of years, it’s definitely not an easy task but I’m enjoying the time I get to spend getting my mind off of him.
These days I’ve begun to forgive him for killing Orion, what’s the point of holding onto it anymore? I know he didn’t have choice in the matter so I’ve realized that me blaming him for killing Orion wasn’t doing anybody any good, he didn’t want to kill him, he had to. If I love Ryker as much as my body told me I did, I knew I needed to get over this mountain, I knew I wanted to be with him.
The moon visits me today, I’m not sure exactly what she wants from me but I have a feeling that this visit will be as heart wrenching as the rest.
I see my Orion standing next to her holding out his arms welcoming me, I run into him smashing my lips into his feeling his beautiful lips against mine, his scent hurts my heart but I know as soon as she leaves that she will take them away from me again.
“What are you doing here?” I smile through my tears
“I wanted to come tell you that you need to start living your life again, he’s the one for you Alethea. I will be here waiting for you and I will greet Ryker as if he was my brother, you deserve to be happy my love.” he whispers into my hair.
Stepping back I look at the moon and theres a familiar strawberry blonde, I know it’s Rykers mate, she’s so stunning it almost hurts to look at her. I look back to the moon.
“Why don’t you send her back to Ryker? Have her trade places with me. I can be with my mate and she can be with hers? And send Aspen back, she’s way to young to be here.” I whisper
“You would sacrifice yourself so that I could be with my mate?” even her voice is beautiful, the one of a true leader.
“Yes I would.” i say back immediately
“Ryker has mourned me Alethea, he wants you. I am here now and I’m happy being here, I want to watch you two create a life together, I cannot live in that world anymore, I’ve been gone for too long.”
Nodding with tears running down my cheeks I look to the moon to see if I can bring Aspen home with me. I see the small girl with her arms wrapped around Orions leg, Aspen holds onto him for dear life.
Rykers baby sister clings to my mate and I cry, she is so comforted by him that she feels safe enough to hold onto him when she hardly knows him, she doesn’t hold onto her brothers mate she holds onto mine, Orion has that affect on people.
“I want to stay here with Orion and my mommy.” she holds onto him tighter and I watch as he puts his hand around her head holding onto her. I see her mother step beside my mate smiling at me, she’s still just as beautiful as before.
“Go be with my son Alethea, he needs you.”
Wiping my tears I kiss my husband passionately goodbye, his lips feel good. I’ve missed him so much, but I know that I need to move on because what’s happening right now isn’t real. I’m not kissing my husband right now, I’m just imagining it.
Soon I’m alone, and I know what I need to do. I need to leave my home and move on with my life, I’ve wasted too much time mourning the loss of people I will never get back.
Packing my things I get to my car and I drive to the only other pack I’ve called home.