Salvation

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Lost

Lost

He was a charmer thats for sure and I had believed he loved me as much as I loved him. I think the reality of him being with others during our relationship was what hurt the most.. Not his words of how he lusted for me but did not love me..not that it did not sting but his actions of his disloyalty was crippling to me. Odd here I am broken and unaware of the life i truly lived.

Riing...Riing… ding...my phone has been blowing up and I knew it was work but I could not answer it knowing I was done with it all...the lies..the fake happiness and fake..no..nonexistent love. I guess I should look at the messages at least...

Work: Due to the current absence from work these few weeks we will unfortunately have to let you go please reach out so that you may receive your things and last check. I see my coworkers had messaged me as well… they said they were worried and that whatever happened could be fixed...how wrong they were…. Fix ..what ..me or the ..wasted five years of my life. What had been so wrong with me that he could have never truly loved me? I hurt and the pain was deep for I was not good enough for the man I had given my heart to..I had kept him from true love and that had to be why. I caused this and as hard as it was I needed to know why but I was not one to be brave enough to ask so I shall get away..rewind.. Return...home. Will they forgive me for choosing him five years ago the guilt that I was the one to cause our family bond to break was hitting me ten-folds at this moment. Well second stage pain and guilt...pain of my lost love and guilt of my life choices.

Sitting on the floor of our...no.. his room...I pushed myself up walked to the walk-in closet ...which was not easy since i had not been taking care of myself for about a month now...and felt rage as I looked at his clothes. I don’t know what came over me as I took the clothes and ripped..cut and then it clicked burn them...wait this is nuts I need to calm down and think...fuck that… what? I am nuts I heard a voice in my head and I want to destroy his stuff that I know is worth thousands of dollars if not more. However I remember all he said and how all these years he sacrificed nothing while I gave him my heart and soul but all he wanted was my cherry… my fucking cherry..how stupid was I to think he loved me just because he gave me a ring. The memories of him making me choose between him and my dream ..my family and friends..my version of happy was altered by this desires and I came to see how fucked up he was...I saw red. At this moment I felt powerful as I grabbed all his belongings he favored but everything around us was his so i grabbed my bag from when I first moved here that was untouched for five years due to his request of me changing... into...his idea of perfection. I had done all he asked of me. Now I am barely a shell of who I was.. not to mention I felt like death at this point in time. I had lost weight and failed to eat and barely left the house. Yet, all of sudden I was full of rage and strength to walk and destroy his possessions.

His torn...cut up pile of clothes on the floor of ...his room….i hate these clothes..they hid the monster..making him look good and polished..this whole house did...do it..you know you want to… see crazy but I think I will listen and let all the fake go… swish.... the match lights up...the smell of sulfur is so relaxing and pleasing... and I toss it over my shoulder as I leave. I only took what I came with and the ring that ..he gave me not because I want it but I did need some extra cash..so pawning it was my goal.

So it was not worth much but neither was my relationship; but … home was far and I needed to get there and beg for them to forgive me. I have no clue what they will ask of me but I can bargain away my soul if they ask...family is forever ..they will be happy to see you..in time..all will be..forgiven. The voice makes me feel crazy but it is wise so I think I will keep it...I like you too ...see sweet..wait did you just answer me? Okay ...ignoring this for the moment.

Before I had left with Luke; they tried to get me to stay or go to school I was accepted into but as I told you earlier that did not go over so well with Luke and I caved in to his wants over my own. In the end they gave up trying to get me to do stuff for myself and allowed me to leave but the silence as I left was what told me they were pissed at me for choosing Luke over them or my own dreams.

My mother and me were close so not talking to her every day for five years was hard but that is why I sent messages and emails even without a response. My younger sister and me were silly together and not having the fun part of my life around I felt dull since Luke hates jokes always wanted to be prim and proper but when you are in the comfort of your home I always thought an individual could relax and be themselves. That is how my father was; as a doctor he was serious and direct at work but when he was home and with his family he was loving and supportive and fun always fun. Luke grew up different he was an only child who got everything he ever wanted as long as he did as he was told or asked of. His parents were strict and distant as far as I knew. They never accepted me or at least never showed or said anything that would make me think they did.

I see and think of the past and feel and ignolage things I ignored at that time but now I have no desire to see through rose colored glasses....

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