To Hate Love

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Chapter 17


“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,”


I stumble out of my chair and heave up the contents of my stomach, clenching my eyes shut away from the head. I can’t get the image of the man who was once a friend to me dead on a platter, served up to me like some sick joke. And the bullet hole right between his brows… the same place I shot Wren…

I gag again and place my hands over my ears to block out the sound of Roman barking orders to someone and recoil when his warm hand hovers over the fabric on my back. A sob escapes my lip and I clutch onto my ears tightly, fighting against Roman’s firm hands and he tries to gain my attention.

“Take it away, take it away, take it away,” I repeat, sobbing hysterically and I don’t listen to his response as I bury into myself. Teo’s gone, he’s dead and once again it’s my fault. Everyone I touch dies, every single person I form a legitimate loving connection with dies or becomes someone I don’t recognise. The second my parents were ripped away from me at birth I should’ve realised that people like me don’t deserve love and we won’t ever get it.

The world just likes to play cruel, cruel tricks. I am so destructive, my pure existence apparently just finds its own way to rid the world of anything good. My mind flicks instantly to Teo’s mother, her child is gone, a child she probably didn’t want. She loved him anyway, she found something in her fucked up world to love and now he’s dead. Is that going to be what I’ll have to deal with if I have a child? A ringing noise fills my ears and my chest tightens in agony as I let out another cry, this time one of pain.

“Maeve, I need you to listen to me,” I tighten my grip on my ears and shake my head, blocking out whatever it is Roman wants to say. I feel his solid hands worm their way between my knees and he lifts me up, cradling me to his chest as he begins to walk, still talking to me although I don’t listen. My eyes instead open and lock with Beta Elijahs as he passes almost in slow motion and before I can follow where he walks Roman’s hand guides my head back towards his shirt. Teo. Teo’s gone. Lucy’s gone. My parents are gone. Carter’s gone. Oliver is gone. A bead of sweat rolls down my forehead and I notice how sticky my shirt has become, I feel so hot, pressed up against Roman’s chest doesn’t help but it feels like I can’t open my throat to tell him as such. I let out a string of sobs into Romans firm chest and he pulls me towards him tighter, like he is trying to warm me up and I let out a scream of pain, it feels like my body is on fire, the flames licking me from the inside and burning out.

I mumble an incoherent string of words to Roman that become more and more drawn out as the sentence progresses. I look up at Roman’s piercing blue eyes, clouded by pure panic and each blink becomes more lethargic until I can’t open my eyes again.


“Her vitals have stabilised too yes, we’ve tested for every possible disease that she may have contracted but I don’t believe that giving her a sickness was their intent-” I blink my eyes open slowly and clench them shut quickly when I am met with a blinding white light.

“Maeve? Maeve can you hear me? Are you okay?” Romans voice asks, and I hover my palm above my eyes to shield myself from the burst of light I know I’ll receive. I can tell I’m in the hospital from the smell alone but the soft blankets and plush mattress I’ve been placed on could fool almost anyone.

I look to my side and see Roman stood next to the bed, his brows furrowed in concern. “Why is she not responding?” He growls and I look to Doctor Matthews who pales slightly but remains composed.

“I’m not sure Alpha, she may very well still be in shock. These things can affect humans in differing ways,” he responds and I lift my lip in a snarl, noticing the hope that flashes through Roman’s eyes as I do.

I let out something that sounds like a mix between a rasp and a grumble and Roman doesn’t waste a second, grabbing a plastic cup filled with water and lifting it to my lips. I gulp the cool liquid dow, relief flooding me in the form of water as my scratchy throat lines with moisture once again. Roman wipes the excess that dribbles down onto my shin and lifts the cup until all its contents are gone.

The sour tang doesn’t hit me until after he’s taken the cup away and I scrunch my nose before coughing hysterically to which he rubs my back sympathetically. “It’s alright, that was just a bit of medicine, it doesn’t taste great I know but you’ll feel much better for it later,” he promises and I scowl in his direction.

“Wha-” my words don’t come out smoothly at all and it takes me by surprise, “What happened?” I croak out, letting my body fall back into the sheets, neatly my head in a pillow. Doctor Matthews stands on the other side of my bed and presses a few buttons, adjusting me so I am sat up on a tilt.

“You got sick Mae,” Roman says, the words a struggle for him to get out and he takes my hands into his as he sits down on a chair next to me so we are at eye level, pure pain covering his face. I let him hold onto me because one look at those tortured eyes and I know he needs the comfort more than I need the solitude.

“Sick?” I ask, my vocal cords slowly regaining their strength. His grip tightens on my hands and his eyes flick over to Doctor Mathews who nods.

“Roman brought you into the hospital after the event a couple nights ago because you were unresponsive, we firstly thought it may have been due to your exposure to bacteria but after conducting tests we discovered a poisonous substance in your system.

“Your glass that you drank out of had been laced with an almost untraceable poison. The poison itself was developed by a force called hunters centuries ago and it works to weaken a wolf in battle if they can successfully fire an arrow laced with it into their enemies and thankfully we have a cure on hand. If you hadn’t have been brought here as fast as you had there is a very high chance you wouldn’t have survived.”

Posion? Someone tried to poison me?

“How long have I been out?” I ask, looking back to Roman whose face is lined with so many emotions, guilt, relief, anger, sadness.

“Five days,” he answers and I suck in a harsh breath. I’ve been out for nearly a week?

“Why… why would someone do something like this?” I ask although the answer is obvious.

“This was a direct attempt on your life, our lives. It was much more direct than the last time but this is extremely serious. The pack is unaware of you being in our personal hospital suite and it needs to stay that way, after the trials and now this our pack looks very vulnerable. This, this isn’t good,” he explains, straight back into politics which I’m thankful for, I don’t think I could handle him swooning over me surviving.

“What happens now then?” I ask and he looks over to Doctor Matthews who turns to me and nods before leaving the room.

“There is a lot that we need to go through, so much of the investigation into this is still ongoing and I don’t want to overwhelm you with that right now. You need to rest, Mae,” he says and I move scrunch my brows, moving to get up.

“I’m fine, Roman,” I croak out and I move my body a little too harshly, a sharp stinging pain searing through my stomach. Roman doesn’t waste a second and pushes me back down softly, concern covering his face.

“No, Maeve, you need to rest,” he says with certainty, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear and looking at me with pure concern. His natural instinct to protect me seems to have been triggered and an overprotective, territorial male wolf is never a great thing.

“My brain still works,” I say but the words are a struggle to get out and he shakes his head.

“Get some sleep, we can debate over these issues for eternity when you are good to get out,” he says and I groan in annoyance.

“Can you at least bring me some work to do while I’m stuck in here?” I ask and he chuckles softly.

“Maybe, I think for now you need to rest,” he says and my eyes become droopier.

“I’ve been resting for five days don’t forget,” I point out and he smiles softly, a sight that I won’t deny, instantly warms my heart.

“You’ve been nearly dead for five days, Mae,” he says softly, sorrow overcoming him once more. “I nearly lost you,” he whispers out, pain lacing each of his words. He’s nearly lost me before, on countless occasions actually but I get that this is different, this time I was nearly gone for good. Another stab of pain shoots through my stomach but I laugh it off in an attempt to curb the blow for him rather than me.

“Is there any way to speed up the healing process?” I joke with a smile that he doesn’t reciprocate.

“Your healing properties because of my mark are helping you slowly but your human genes slow them down. Theres another option but I didn’t think you’d be okay with it considering how well it went over last time,” he says.

“You mean giving me your blood,” I respond and he nods, his blue eyes piercing me once again. “How long would it take for me to fully heal if I did that?” I ask and his gaze doesn’t falter.

“A day, maybe,” he answers.

“As opposed to what?” He cocks his head to the side in thought, his lips pursed firmly.

“Its hard to say, the Doc would know a lot more than me but from our last conversation I think your looking at about a week,” he says and I gulp. I’ve been out for five days, five days where there has been no progress made to any of my human policy drafts, five days where Roman has ruled on his own yet again. I don’t think he would do anything crazy but the truth is I can’t day that I know.

“There aren’t any side effects?” I ask and he shakes his head in seriousness. “Okay, just make it quick then,” I say, letting out a shaky breath as his eyes cloud over, no doubt calling for Doctor Matthews to come in and hook me up to him.

There are a million and one things that I need to get through but I first and foremost need to get out of this damn hospital bed and back into the office so that Roman’s primal instinct to make me ‘rest up’, as logic as it probably is, will disappear and I can get to the bottom of this.

Doctor Mathews walks into the room with his usual air of arrogance and I scrutinise his every move as he hooks a blood transfusion from Roman into me. I can’t deny that his work is meticulous and he operates in a way to make me feel minimal pain. Roman shifted in his chair and locked eyes with me once more, he was captivating, alluring in the way that a predator might be but there was something in me that wanted to continue tracing my eyes over the structure of his face.

“Would you like to hear a story?” He says with forced smile that comes from a genuine place. Whenever he tries to comfort me its like he is pushing through this invisible boundary that’s constantly stopping him from connecting.

“Sure,” I say, anything to get my mind off the red liquid flowing from his veins into mine, anything to take my mind off the last week entirely.

“Its a story about how the goddess formed mates, starting off with the one true pairing of Armetius and Galyena,” I shoot him a look but it doesn’t stop him from continuing on his story and then moving to another and another until finally his words of wolf ways let me close my eyes fully.


I walk through the double doors into the office, ignoring the ten burly warriors who stop short outside upon my entrance. My eyes land on Roman behind his desk and his blue eyes instantly light up. I glance to my desk and see it still stacked to the brim with my work, exactly as I left it aside from the neat stack of files set up on the corner.

“Maeve, I wasn’t aware that they’d let you out,” Roman comments and I walk over to my desk, picking up a file off the stack and placing it down for no apparent reason other than to distract myself for a second.

“Were they not supposed to?” I ask with a raised brow although I know they technically weren’t. I was content letting my body recover in hospital until Doctor Mathews decided it was time for me to have another therapy session. That was incentive enough for me to fight my way out of there in a battle of words and power.

“It doesn’t matter now,” he says dismissively and notions for me to take a seat in front of his desk which I take. “How are you feeling?” He asks, like its the most pressing issue we have.

“The same as the last ten times you asked me, Roman. I’m fine,” I say seriously and he nods. The amount of calls I had to answer of Roman purely checking in not to mention the endless text messages. It was hell. He had to go back to work during the days and felt it necessary to check in on me countless times to make up for his absence despite the fact he slept next to me in the chair throughout the night.

My answer was only a part truth in any case. Am I fine? Physically I suppose not having constant stabbing pains in my abdomen would mean yes but mentally…

“Good, we have a lot to go through but it is probably best to start with the assassination attempt on your life, I presume your curious to know what we’ve discovered about that first?” He asks and I nod eagerly, chills running down my spine.

“The waiter from the night was found dead, apparent suicide but it is uncertain still, so questioning her was out of the question. The list of suspects was large, when your in a position like yours enemies come regardless but we have boiled down the possibilities to two main groups. There is reason to believe that this could have been the hands of the hunters, the state of the guard’s head could have served as a message at their dislike to your involvement in the ceremony. The substance used to kill you, the hunters poison only adds more to that case and the known affiliation between them and human rebels makes it even more solidified. The only counter to their attempt on your life would come from your relationship with one of their own, I can’t imagine a higher ranking officers previous wife being a target but they work in mysterious ways,” I try not to flinch as mention of Oliver passes his lips but from his brief pause I can tell it didn’t work. Higher ranking officer?

“The other option would clearly lie with the South American packs. The timing of the incident in association to Alpha Nicholas’ departure from the larger pack raises suspicion. We also received a bouquet of black roses addressed from him, other packs received this too and it was addressed by most as a symbolic gesture to make his exit more grand. But the roses they received were all white, not black.

“Not to mention that three days ago members of Alpha Nicholas’ pack were spotted at a harbour just off the coast of Portugal in some territory that we own there. This of course raises an entirely different set of problems all on its own but for now what I do know is all protection methods surrounding us will be increased ten fold.” He explains and I blink, nodding my head as I try to absorb all the new information he is handing out.

“What about the human rights issues? Has this put any setback on that?” I ask, setting my priorities straight early on. A war between wolves will affect humans the most no doubt, in every war ever those at the bottom tend to suffer the most.

“There is still continued progression. These threats from the outside world impact us politically but we are still as financially secure as before and most aspects of the draft you finalised are underway. I don’t see any need to halt human development, if anything now would be a time to speed things up. The Alphas of my packs have been given their instructions and we will be checking in regularly and in around a years time we will travel the country and inspect each pack accordingly. There is more information about that on your desk along with the messages you’ve received and a list of calls you have to make.” He informs me and I’ll admit my head spins a little though I’d never tell him that for fear he’d send me straight back to hospital.

“So what are we going to do if a war strikes out?” I ask with a huff, running my hand through my disheveled hospital hair.

“There are already countless plans in place in the event of a war yet I have asked Beta Elijah to do a full review of our military systems and plan for a full scale defensive just in case. But your question does bring me to my next point. Due to the risk on your life you and I will both be moving temporarily to our territory in France,” he says and I scrunch my brows?

“We’re going where?” I ask incredulously, “Surely leaving the pack at a time of need is the last thing we should be doing,”

“We technically are not leaving our pack and like I said, any war that should erupt we will be ready for on all fronts. I can assure you that out of all the packs in the world ours will come out virtually unscathed. The only thing we apparently have to be concerned with is the members within this castle who will be dealt with in our departure,” he explains and I look at him with concern.

“Surely it’d be safer to be here then? If we are flanked by guards twenty four seven,” I point out and he smiles.

“Theres a catch. We are not going to be announcing our departure and the guards assigned to our quarters will continue to protect the perimeter of our quarters. To the people of the world we are cooped up here still and to every member of staff that is the case also. We’ll leave tonight at midnight and board a cargo plane which will take us to France,”

“So no one is going to know we are there?” I reiterate and he nods.

“No one outside of our immediate circle. There will still of course be security personnel and it is just our luck that the chateaux I purchased for us a few kilometres away from one of the largest air bases in the world, so no one is going to make a move near us that won’t be shut down. Besides, if there is going to be any fights against us I’d wager they’ll take place in Portugal in which case it won’t take too long for me to report and fight alongside my people,” he explains and I look over to the piles of work on my desk.

“And what if people find out that we are in France and not here?” I ask because I cannot imagine his Alpha’s being particularly impressed with their leader leaving in secrecy.

“We took an unexpected honeymoon trip to spend some quality time along together without the pressure of pack life,” he explains with a slight smirk. I forgot all about his plan to take us on a holiday there for some quality time. The media would have a field day if they knew.

“How long are we going to be in France for? Is it just going to be us going? What about Noah?” I ask and he doesn’t get irked at my barrage of questions and remains composed.

“We will be there for as long as is required and will be taking a few trusted staff to accompany us. As for Noah and the other members of his pack, they will complete their training in a few days regardless and return home,” he says and my stomach sinks a little.

“Is it possible for me to see him before I go?” I ask a little too hopefully and he lets out a sigh.

“Of course, Mae, I know that your relation to him is somewhat unconventional but I want for you and your brother to still be able to contact one another. I’m sure he has a phone of his own, much like the others there that you have become acquainted too so you might want to get their number,” he suggests and my hand barren hand flies to my pocket to find it empty. Where did I even put my phone? I had lived so long without one that I never felt the need to keep an eye on it and it seems to have gone missing.

My eyes flick up to Roman and he points over to my desk like he read my mind and sure enough, my phone along with the tracking bracelet he was so gracious to give me are sat there. He cares more about my phone than I do, probably in the hopes that I’ll actually decide to give him a ring one say or track him down.

“What are we going to do in France for however long?” I ask.

“We will be taking over all the work we need and run the pack from there, go for walks along the beach, realx a little,” the corner of his lip tilts up and he looks down briefly before staring back up at me again. “Maybe get to know each other a little better,” he adds and I look down, averting his calculating gaze. I glance to the clock on the side of the wall and look back to Roman, sucking in a sharp breath.

“Its getting late, if we are going to be leaving tonight I better go find Noah now,” I point out and his smirk turns into a small smile.

“Very well then, you can continue any work you’d like to do once we get there. Be back in our quarters by at least seven okay?” He says and I nod, pushing my body off of the chair.

“Okay,” I answer and scurry from the room as quickly as I can.

I don’t know just how big this chateaux in France is but I know that it is going to be difficult to avoid Roman and his avid desire to form a relationship with me. All I have to do is keep my head on straight, avoid getting poisoned and try to fix a nations deep rooted issues whilst friend zoning the big bad wolf. Easy, right?

authors note

Guess who’s back, back, back again. So Maeve and Roman are joining the gang and heading into self isolation hey? Jk not really but kinda tho. This whole death threat thing is annoying as hell but Im gonna still communicate with those of you who want to aha

Who’s got some cool theories on the virus? I’m all ears bc I find them very entertaining.

I hope everyone is staying safe during these times. I don’t just mean through social distancing and hand sanitiser (although it is important) if you feel lonely or upset then contact your country help hotline that is a google search away or perhaps find a pen pal from another country to communicate to. But keep your mental health safe and if you or anyone you know is experiencing any kind of violence at home then contact your local police.

Coming from someone who’s troll is a world away and can’t do much I get that it seems silly of me to say but when mean people get bored they turn to cyberbullying. If someone is cyberbullying you that you know, block them, report them and contact your local authorities immediately. I can almost guarantee that’s the best pay back you can give because it’ll be served with a big steaming plate of justice.

Love you all, love all the support you’ve given and please feel free to reach out if you ever need someone to talk to :) (i won’t give spoilers away for this story but id be happy to answer any qu’s u might have!!!)


Ps: I really can’t not write authors notes lol, I’m too attached.

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