Let The Pain Begin
The door shut behind me as I walk out into the night air. The air is cool for early summer. I could hear chirping and rusting of small animals nearby. The lodge is still quiet exiting the building. The building sat up on a small bluff looking at a deep stream that cut right through the territory. There's a balcony off the lodge the leans over the bluff. At the bottom of the bluff, use to a dock. As kids, we all jump off the dock or swing off a rope into the water. The stream looks like harmless fun, but at the bottom of the stream lay secrets.
The dock is no more and there is no more string anywhere to swing from. An iron fence marks off the old beach boundaries. Grass and weeds cover the old beach now. The stream can only be enjoyed by looking at it and not by being in it. Dad confesses he had it all tore away after I moved away. I know he did to make me feel safe. He had been trying to make my home safe for me again, so I would come back home. I convince him to let me go to a summer boarding school program. It had been a plan for me to be back at the end of summer. I told them I needed more time before I felt more comfortable coming back. That summer turned into three years of boarding school. The plan had been for me to move back the end of my senior year in high school. I never got on the bus and ran off to do a summer internship with a friend instead. That's why Kate stay with me for the last few days at my college. She said to help me finish packing, but I knew my dad gave her orders to get me home.
"Spencer," asked an unsure unfamiliar voice. A chill ran up my spine. I spin around and see Leo carefully approaching me. His hands were up to show his not dangerous. "Are you okay?" he asks eyeing the stream over my shoulder because he knew the truth; my secret.
"I'm fine," my voice blurts out an auto-answer.
"No, one would be fine after doing what you just did," he responded walking to my side. Leo, my savior and the person I could live never seeing again.
"How bad is it in there," I turn back to face the view.
"There's a lot of chatter and questions on what happened. Did your dad ask you what you wanted," he asked looking at me. My breath caught. His the first-person ask me that being back here. I look at his dark eyes. Small flickers of fire on the night post flash in his eyes.
"No, he didn't. He did tell me of his plan, but I didn't know it was a certain thing," I responded.
"Spencer, Dad wants you in his office now," Sam snarled from the door. He stood there hinting with his hands move towards the packhouse.
"Do you want me to go with you," asked Leo.
Again, my mouth went into autopilot. "No, I'm fine," I reply heading towards my brother.
"I'll come, "Leo must have made up his mind instead. Why did he care so much?
"Leonard! You're dismissed, "Sam hiss. He gives Leo a warning glare. Dismiss? Oh, I get it he had been supposed to be babysitting me. The man is only following orders of coarse.
"Spencer, "Leo grabs my wrist.
I stop to look back at him and to see what looks like concern. "I'm fine," my bitch tone comes out. I pull back my wrist and followed Sam home.
Sam did not attempt to say anything and I thrilled for it. If we could link, he wouldn't be ranting about me being disrespectful. He would have to talk out loud to rant to me. He's not going to so no one hears it. The alpha's family doesn't like to hang out their dirty laundry. As a kid, I got to yell at behind closed doors only.
We walk into Dad's office. Dad is behind the desk giving an unreadable face. Shit, not good. Mom stood behind dad leaning against the bookshelf with her arms cross. Sam closed the door and the soundproof room worked its magic against werewolf's hearing.
"What the hell? How could you be disrespectful," Sam blurted out.
"I don't want to be mated, "I yell back.
"Honey, we only thinking about your future," my mom objected.
"So, am I, "confess.
"Why would you do that in front of the whole pack? Do you know how that makes dad look? It makes him weak," Sam snarled pointing at dad.
"Yeah, I'm sorry, but I will not be betrothed to someone I don't want to be mated too," I hiss meeting Sam eye to eye.
"Everyone in the pack has a part. Do yours," he snarled with his eyes giving silver tint to the edges. His wolf is showing through.
"Fuck off Samual. I'm not apart from this pack anymore. I'm not playing some part, "I snapped.
"Spencer, you are still a part this pack," mom blurted in.
"No, I'm not I'm human. Why won't anyone accept this about me," I shouted g at all of them look at each of them.
"Everyone tired of your I have no wolf pity party. We get it, you can't shift, but that doesn't give the excuse to whine about it all the time," he fumed.
"Fuck off, I do not. Why am I being mated off? Do you have a mate line up, oh great heir," I sneered bring my hands up in the air? "Or you're still fucking everything that moves," I taunted back.
His body rippled and he had been the last straw. He shifts in an instant as his wolf flies towards me. I knew wolves had a bad temper. I knew if push too far they would shift into a wolf to declare dominance. I knew I had been pushing my brother, but dam I wanted to be heard. I didn't know my brother would shift and attack me. To see him launching at me and jumping on me is not what I expected.
Sam is fling off at me in an instant and I hear a crash. I fell on the ground hitting one of the leather chairs. I look over at Sam and see my dad's office chair in pieces around him. That must be what flung him off of me. I look over at dad expecting to see him peeve. His face is red and he bursts out laughing in tears. He lets out a belly laugh and is leaning over his desk pounding the desk. Sam shifts back into his birthday suit. My mouth drops unsure about how to respond to the scene. I look at mom and she's pinching her nose with her eyes close as she's done with dad's shit. Sam looks as stun as I am.
"It only took you two over twenty years to fight like wolves," Dad taking deep breaths to calm himself down.
"Congrats, Spencer you pass. Now, come here girl," my dad says with open arms. Huh? I stood up slowly walking to him with caution. I go around the desk and move slowly to hug dad. He once again burst out laughing and lifts me like a child. "I'm so glad you've come back to us. I do not mean you being here physically, but your spirit has returned." He sets me down and tears slowly fill up his eyes. I look up at him stun, unsure how to respond.
"What?"I asked unsure what he meant.
"You're my daughter named after a spear. You were born with a warrior spirit with a compassionate heart. Your warrior spirit was broken when you left home. It wasn't until you were eighteen did you disobey me and run away to do your internship. I see the human world had put your soul back together, but you weren't ready to come home yet. When you came home this time I wonder if you were ready to retest that warrior spirit. No, a better way to test it then to see if you go along a betroth. I know you didn't want to be mated off. I didn't know you would let the whole pack know where you stood," he chuckled at the thought.
I gave him a quizzed look. "It was a test? What had been the answer you were looking for," I question.
"If you still take over for me as Alpha in this pack," he answered simply. My mouth gap open unsure if I heard that right.
"Dad, I'm to be alpha," Sam snarled. "She can't lead this pack."
"Hush, boy. Alpha is never set in stone," he growls back.
"As much I hate to agree with Sam. He's right," I muttered.
"You two forget anyone at any time I can be challenged for alpha. Only because this pack respects my choices is why they don't challenge me. We all would want to keep the alpha role in the family, but that's often doesn't happen,"dad lectured.
"Dad, why would you even concern I could be alpha, "I asked unsure if this man in his right mind.
"Hadn't been alpha been your childhood dream," he asked unsure why I'm not agreeing with him.
"Yeah, it was, "I confess
"And why not now," he puzzled.
"Hello, dad. She can't shift. How is she suppose to be an alpha, if she can't shift," Sam asked. I thought the same thing, but it still hurt to hear it out loud.
"Again, I ask why can't you be alpha," he asks me wearily.
"Dad, what pack would follow me? I'm weak. You had thrown a chair at Sam to protect me," I pointed out.
"If you are weak then become strong. Changing into a wolf doesn't make anyone qualified any wolf to be alpha. Have I not teach you, children, anything? "he asked astonish looking between Sam and me.
"An alpha is required to protect and lead a pack," Sam simply answered. I look at him as he's an idiot because he kinda is.
"An alpha is more than that. They are a leader, voice of guidance, someone to see everyone's needs and still need be a voice of authority, "I spatted back to Sam.
"Yeah, that's what I said, "Sam shrugged.
"Then why does an alpha need to shift to a wolf," dad asked looking at us. I knew this one because I list all the problems after finding out I couldn't shift.
"The alpha needs to be an able link in with the pack to communicate urgent messages. The link is how everyone knows their dominance. The link is how wolves communicate with everyone in wolf form out on patrols. or in a fight. Not being able to shift shuts doesn't let me link anyone with any wolf form or link with the pack. I've never been apart this pack, dad. I don't want to be alpha," I bark out feeling my anger boiled.
"What do you want, Spencer, "my dad asks giving me a point-blank.
"I want my freedom, "I answered. "This pack you love. This place you call my home isn't my home. It's my prison and being here will always make me feel as I'm the outcast. It's as I'm the person that will never get the inside joke because I can't get that experience being a wolf. Outside this place, I feel like everyone else. I don't feel like I'm screwed up in some way that no one can fix. I feel as I'm on the same playing field as everyone else. Do you understand how that makes me feel? I feel I can obtain what any other human can and not feel like some part me is lacking," the tears started to pour out as I talk. My mom's eyes started tearing up and no one said anything. "Can you all just stop making me something I'm not. I'm Spencer, I'm human. I've major in Environment Habitat and I enjoy Pinterest. I like parties. I miss you all so much and blabber to anyone I listen to about the stories I could tell them about my childhood. I learn I like the sea and I want to move to the coast in a year. I moved back here to connect with my family because I miss you all so much. I don't move away again until I know I had the chance to connect with you guys again," I sobbed feeling as I had failed them. I hate to not feel as I'm the person they want me to be. The person they want doesn't exist.
My mom rushes to pull me into a tight hug. "We love you, Spencer. We don't wish to change you. We have missed you so much. Just to have you here means the world to us. We want to connect with you too. We all want you to know you are still apart of this family no matter who you are," she whispers into my ear.
"So, you are giving us a year to be with you," asked my dad. I look over my mom's shoulder and to see he's sad about the news. I nodded not trusting myself to speak or I would take it back. "Are you willing to give this pack one more shot? I know the pack let you down in the past," he muttered knowing my history.
My heart twists thinking I could be hurt again by the pack. Am I willing to open myself again to the heartache and disappointment? The question made my inside feel it bleed out again. Sam walks up to me as he stays behind mom. He grips my shoulder. I knew he didn't understand the entire story like mom and dad did. "We'll be with you every step way. Mom, Dad, and I will be here this time Spencer. I promise I won't let them hurt you again. Please say you'll give it one more chance. We miss you and know you're an important person to this family and to this pack," Sam urges.
I stepped back from my mom and my brother's grip. I look over at dad as he's watching all of us. It felt good to have a family. It felt wonderful to feel the love from my family again. They all seem set to be here for me. Maybe, I had been wrong and they do accept me for me. I'm about to find out.
I held out my pointer finger up. "One last time, "I whisper knowing I'm about to regret those words. I'm doing this for my family because I will endure the pain one last time for them.