I can't say that white is my favorite color I can't say any color is but I use it to categorize people. When people say his nerd or she's a weirdo I say his bit of a green person or she's yellow.
I guess I'm a white person considering my room and my clothes.
My room is white. White walls white closet white sheets and I even have a white piano in the middle of the room next to my white shelf that covered the entire wall.
It was full of hardcover books I read all of them I even arranged them in alphabet order. I guess you kind of have time to do that when you don't go to school.
My routine is always the same nothing changes.
Morning get up shower exercise daily check-up my nurse will take my blood presser and temperature and see if I'm reacting badly to the chemotherapy and radiation.
Yes I have cancer.
Glioblastoma also is known as glioblastoma multiform GMB for short is the most aggressive type of cancer that begins within the brain.
Symptoms: initially nonspecific, headaches, personality changes, nausea, symptoms similar to a stroke.
Medication: Temozolomide, steroids
Prognosis: life expectancy 12-15 months with treatment following diagnosis
The doctor said I had only 12 months to live that was 2 years ago.
Only 3% of people live up to 5 years. I wasn't happy that I lasted an extra 12 months because more days to live means more pain.
When you know you're going to die soon you start to notices things and ask your self questions you don't even know the answer to. And the first one will always be, why me? You start to relive every day in your mind that tries to find that moment just before everything went to hell.
I couldn't find it.
Chaos theory says that even a small change in initial conditions can lead to wildly unpredictable results.
I was ok.
And now I'm dying.
People say when you die you see a bright light. Some say you will see an angel that will take you to heaven or an angel of death that will take u to hell. I didn't see any of those.
I saw a sunset and green grass everywhere flowers surrounded me they were tall that they reached just above my knee.
They were crimson red.
The air wasn't warm nor cold it was the right temperature and it tasted sweet like a bowl of fresh fruits. I try to breathe in as much as possible.
Her hair was long and black darker than anything I have ever seen. Her eyes were brown and not too dark, not too light just brown. Her nose was sculpted to perfection and her lips were full too full, crimson red.
She smiled like she saw something that was amusing. The blush on her cheeks made her even more beautiful. She looked at the sunset and back at me and her smile got wider.
And at that moment I realized she was my favorite color.
My heart stopped.
I was dead.
But not for long.
I slowly crack my eyes open and I can hear a constant beeping of the heart monitor. Everything was white including the lights and the sheets and the door. It opens to reveal my ant she didn't have any makeup on which was surprising because she never gets out of the house without makeup.
Her red hair was in a messy bun some strands fell on too her face covering the wrinkles that she had on the sides of her eyes.
"Aunt Nome..." I said. I realized how dry my throat was.
She lifted her hand to cover her mouth and I saw tears in her eyes.
Then she ran out the door. I tried to reach for her but something tugged at my arm. It was an IV.
I'm in a hospital.
"Sam..." she started to call out I could hear her voice muffled by the walls.
I tried to recall what happened but I couldn't remember anything my mind just keeps coming back to a face, that long black hair, light brown eyes, and those crimson red lips.
Who is she? The question lingered in my mind.
The door opened and a woman walked in. she appeared to be in her early 20ths. She wore blue scrubs and had tied her brown hair in a thick ponytail that swung behind her as she walked.
"I'm Sofia Marshall." She said giving me a small but reassuring smile.
And a doctor walked in with Uncle Sam. He had dark hair and he was about 6 feet tall. His face had no blemishes or wrinkles and a was pale and shiny.
His eyes were dark. His physic was well built and he walked with grace. He was like a robot.
He gave me a smile. But it was fake.
"How are you doing Tyler?" He said it like a practiced it a thousand times. He sat by the bed and I couldn't help but flinch.
"I'm Doctor David John don't worry you are going to be all right." He said it like it was going to reassure and make me feel better. It didn't and only because of two reasons.
One; he looked like an artificial intelligent robot designed for reasons freak me out or kill me
Two: he had a mustache that was really thick.
Mustaches are actually one of my many fears that included ,cats insects , comic book stores, germs', tinted windows, mailer balloons, ponds, root vegetables, hugging, fire works, see-through clothes, disorganized things, incorrect grammar, missing buttons off clothes, that sound the microwave makes and the big one hospitals.
Oddly I suffer from nosocomephobia.
"Aunt Naomi what happened?" I had to ask my brain felt like peanut butter. Other times I like to figure out things on my own.
She was crying. My aunt never cries actually she doesn't have feelings.
I concluded that after several experiments. But I do have deep affections for her because when she makes me peanut butter sandwiches she doesn't make it with jelly and she never forgets to cut the crusts off, unlike the twins.
"Tyler you were in an accident."
The doctor with the creepy mustache said. I hate how he was close to me it some how made my skin crawl.
"Yes I can see that I was in an accident I'm asking you how the accident happened since I'm in a hospital with an IV needle stuck in my arm. And I hate the smell of antiseptics."
"Tyler dear you need to come down." My aunt tried to reassure me.
"I can't come down my head hurts I want to go home you know I hate hospitals. I want to go home!"
Some times I react like a five-year-old when I'm in an uncomfortable situation.
Before you judge I want to know how any person would react if he or she was the size of a fly stuck to a spider web ready to be devoured by a spider with a nasty mustache.
I don't think you would react any differently.
"It's OK I know you can't remember any thing you have retrograde amnesia but your memories would recover through time. Do you know where you are?" the nurse asked.
"Saint Gabriel hospital."
"That is right, see your memories are recovering already." She said smiling and I realized that she had a large scar that descended from her arm down to her palm.
"No it's on the doctor's ID card" I said pointing to his chest where the ID card hanged from his white gown pocket.
The doctor sighed. "Tyler I think you need a little bit more rest." And he had the most disturbing accent I have ever herd.
The nurses handed him what looked like a syringe and a drug bottle.
"This is just a little adhesive to help you rest OK."
And he started to fill the syringe with the chemical in the bottle.
"No thank you I don't need any more rest." This situation got worse than I thought it would.
"Tyler dear you just have to come down honey every thing will be all right just look at me" her face began to blur and my head felt heavy.
I felt a pinch in my arm as the doctor removed the needle from under my skin.
Rage filled me I extended my arms and held tight to the doctor's collar.
"I SAID I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP!" He started to cough and the skin around his neck started to turn pink. I was choking him and it felt good to know that he was in pain.
The nurse began tugging at my arm. I lifted my arm to push her away she lifted off the ground and collided with the closed windows I could hear the shatter and the screams of my aunt.
As my head hit the pillow every thing became quite.
My white shirt was covered in blood and I couldn't move my legs. Dust filled my lungs.
I lifted my head to look at my leg. A broken glass stuck out off it and it was gushing blood.
Even with my blurry view this place looks old and abandoned I could see the moon reflecting through the broken windows.
I tried to lift my self up but every time I try a wave a pain goes through my body and it was unbearable.
I just laid there the rocks feeling rough and uncomfortable beneath my back staring up it was dark but I still could make up concrete walls and numbers on broken doors. It looked like an abandoned building.
I lifted my self a bit and laid my back on the big rock behind me. I looked over at my leg again.
I didn't like the color it was uncomfortable it felt like the end of the world.
Everything feels like the end of the world.
Maybe the end of me.
I slowly reached out to the broken glass stink out of my left thigh.
I touched it was cold and slick with my blood.
I took one deep breath.
Then I pulled hard.
The pain kept flowing through my leg but I refused to make a sound. I lifted the glass to my face and looked at my reflection. There was a big gush on the right side of my head and blood trickled down my face.
Blood is still gushing out of my leg and I feel weaker by the second.
The butter fly effect describes how a small chance in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state.
I didn't go to the ball. I fell off the cliff.
I was born.
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