Sensitive content includes thing like cussing, and self harm. Do not read unless you like drama, Angel's and devils. Also, side note, none of this is a reference to what I beleive in. This is purely for the pleasure of reading. Also please keep in mind that I am still making adjustments and that there will, no doubt, be grammar and spelling mistakes. I make sure to have atleast 2,000 words per chapter.
Fuck this. Fuck all of this. I swing my legs off my bed, and even though my body feels tired and heavy, I start to stretch. I have to move some things out of the way first but within minutes i'm on the floor with my hand reaching out to my toes. I have been feeling down in the dumps lately. I've been hurting and hiding it from the poeple round me. Funny thing is, I don't even know which one is more exhausting. The actual depressive feeling or the hiding it from people part.
My legs hurt as i feel my muscles stretch in a way that hasn't been done in a while. But in an odd way, I'm already starting to feel better. I'm not sure why I started to stretch to make myself get out of my depression. Maybe if I focus on building up my body, I'll end up buiding up my mind in the process? Or atleast I hope so. I just know that I have to get up and moving. I have to try again. I'm so tired of being sad and hurt broken. I'm tired of being tired. I want to be happy and smile so effortlessly, like I used to do. I want the old me back.
It's not easy. I do a couple lunges and my legs starts to feel like jelly. I'm so out of shape it's rediculous.
I'm not exactly sure when I started becoming like this. I want to blame it on my boyfreind cheating on me, but a part of me knows that this started before that.
Enough of that. I'm done with that. I'm done trying to find out why or when i started hurting. Its time to grow a set of balls and man up. I straighten up and clap my hands together. I could feel this new train of thought empowering me with a new strength and a new energy. I almost feel excited.
My sister walks into my room,"Will you put my hair up in a pony tail please." I almost sigh in annoyance at her interrupting my thoughts. What stopped me from doing just that was the fact that recently, just about anything she did irritated me. I realize I may not have been the best sister and when I look into her eyes and see that she's expecting me to say no, like always, I know I'm right. And I feel horrible about it. I smile and take the hair brush in her hand, "Sure." She almost looked shocked but just turns around and lets me do my thing.
When she leaves, I get dressed for school. I still feel this new energy coursing through my viens and I decide that that must be why I feel like I'm seeing everything for the first time. Like suddenly I can smell and actually appreciate the spring air. I stepped outside, and the first thing I did was my fill my lungs with it. I felt like a starved woman. Maybe, in a way, I kind of am.
My dad waved me goodbye as I drove out of the driveway. I knew he could see that something had changed in me. I just hope this change will last. I suddenly remember why I love driving, though, as I look at the passing trees and see familiar faces in passing cars. Lately, it had been more of a chore, but now that thought seemed ridiculous. What has brought me so down that I would actually consider driving as a chore? I shake my head at myself, sporting an incredulous smile.
It takes me almost exactly 11 minutes to get to school and i was heading to my homeroom class when I see my friend walking alone down the hall. "Mikey!" The blonde geek-looking dude turns around as if he had just heard an alien speak. I laugh out loud at his expression and laughed even harder when his face started scrunching into a wierder face. He is completely in shock. Or surprise. Or something, I don't actaully know the name of the emotion on his face.
"Hey." I smiled at his greeting and caught up to him. Mikey is about 6'3 with blonde hair, brown eyes, scrawny shoulders and wide feet. He's clumsy to the point of being dangerous but he's one the smartest kids in this entire school. "Where are you headed?" He gives me a look,"To the cafeteria. I told you I couldn't go the dunkin donuts anymore because I'm grounded." I internally groan, I don't remember ever being told this but it's very possible that he had, in fact, told me. "I'm sorry, I must have forgotten. Here, I'll go with you." He huffs but doesn't disagree. Sitting alone isn't exactly what Mickey likes to do for fun, no matter how mad he is at you.
"Wait, why are your parent's mad at you?" I held the door to the cafeteria open for him. He huffs again and begins his story,"Well, if you were listening to me BEFORE, you would know that I had came home really late one night without texting them or anything." He left to go get his breakfast. He get's just really moody when he hasn't had his iced coffee and colache and on top of that, to him, I've been ignoring him for weeks and am only now taking an interest. I must have really hurt him. As far as i know, and i k ow alot because we've been friends for five years, I'm his only friend. So to have me ignoring him while I was going through my thing while he was probably having problems with his parents was kind of like abandoning him. Jeez, I can be so selfish sometimes.
When he return back I ask,"What were you doing out so late anyway?" I knew his parents and they were usually pretty cool and let him stay out way later than I was ever allowed too. The most they ask of him is to always check in to make sure he was okay. He slams his phome tray down on the table, his milk falling off, and says,"Why do you suddenly care?" His hurt 2as being laced over by his sarcasm.
Other than the fierce need to get up and do something, guilt is the strongest feeling I've had to deal with this morning. I bend my head towards the table and try to come up with the right words. How can I tell him that I was in a really terrible place, that I had gotten to the point of leaving scars on my body? How do I expose myself without worrying him? "I care because your my friend." A moment of silence, and then the sound of wrappers. "I'm sorry for being such a jackass lately, you deserve so much better than that."
He really does though. I remember how in every crisis, he was there. Hes my bestfriend and treated his responsibilities that came with this title seriously.
I hear him sigh and drop whatever he was trying to open. I took a peak at him to find him glaring at his mini pancakes that always came in little blue packages. But then his facial expression relaxed and he looked at me,"Just don't do it again." And just like that, I had my friend back.
I arrived home exhausted. I haven't smiled so much and tried to pay attention in so long that it has really taken it's toll. My cheeks were actually hurting and a headache was brewing right behind my forehead. I Told dad I was home and went straight to my room to take a nap. I was out like a light before my head even hit the pillow.
Usually my dreams things were slow or bright, and sometimes it was like I was viewing in from a foggy window. On rare occasions I have dreams that are so vivid, that often when I wake up, it takes a minute for me to separate reality from dream.
This dream was no different. It was bright, I was in a dress that reached just above the knee and had wide spaghetti straps. It had bright yellow sunflowers on it with a little black belt across the middle. I was walking through a pasture of knee high, yellow grass. The sun was really bright and brought out my natural red highlights. I was smiling and laughing with charles. We were holding hands and telling jokes, we touched often and looked completely and utterly inlove. There were no flaws in this picture, everything was perfect. Like all was right in the world.
Then suddenly the image changed but only slightly. Charles was gone and in his stead was a little boy. It must have been charles when he was younger. He had charles Same green eyes, only they seemed brighter some how. Like there was some sort of glow to them. His sweet little mouth spread into a toothy smile, letting out a laugh that almost sounded like music. I knew I was inlove with this boy and had the strongest urge to protect him. His dark brown hair ruffled in the wind, his curls going in every which direction. He must only be about three or four years of age.
He handed me a purple flower. The flower itself was strange though. Red came out of the center, almost as if it were bleeding. The purple seemed to be pulsing as if it were alive, the petals were wide but bent backwards as if the very weight of such a living color was too heavy for them to bear. I almost thought it was fake, there was no way a flower like that could exist. But when I took it from charles I could feel its texture and it was definitely not plastic.
Charles then looked directly into my eyes with a serious expression on his face. "Dont let them take me." Confused about where this was going I asked the little boy version of Charles,"who?"
The bottom lip of the little boy quivered and I wanted so badly for it to stop. The over whelming feeling, almost an instinct, to protect this boy over came me once again. I wanted to reach out to him and hold him in my arms. I would hurt anyone who would dare come near. Tears started to fill his eyes, and although I was still fighting the urge to grab him and run, I also just sit there in the grass beside him. "Their evil, dont let them take me!"
What felt like just mere seconds of sleep was actually about three hours. I could see my clock glaring its bright red numbers in the dark. I felt so groggy.
Then the dream came back to me in full flood. I cant believe I actually had a dream about charles. And were we on a date? You'd think that cheating on me and becoming depressed over him would give me enough reason to get over him but NO. My subconsciousness has to dig into things.
Am I over charles? I shake the question from my head, silently calling myself a dumbass. Of course I was over charles. I dont even think of him anymore, I dont cry or mope or groan or whine about it. What's done has been done and that's just that.
I slid out of my bed to look at myself in the mirror. I looked like a mess both emotionally and physically. I had dark circles under my already dark brown eyes. My hair was black from being coated in oil, a sure sign of needing a bath. Strands curled and frizzed out into every direction possible from the humidness outside and me rolling around in my sleep. My skin is almost transparently pale from almost never leaving the house. If I'm being honest, I would have made an awesome witch character for Halloween. I run a brush through my hair and headed to the kitchen, from which came the clanging nioces of dishes and quiet vioces of my sister and my dad.
"She didn't seem to be in a bad mood today." My little sister's vioce is small compared to my dads,"There's probrably a blue moon tonight." It was quiet for a moment, I can almost hear my sister strugggling to understand what my dad meant by that. Apparently dad could to because after the silence he said,"She'll probrbaly be back to her old self agian tomarrow." My old self? Does he mean the me that I'm trying to leave behind. The one who practically left everyone behind to live in a dark and evil corner of my mind? Or did he have enough hope to think that i would go back to the real me. The me who smiled and laughed and acted like a child even at the age of eighteen.
An ache began to spread in my chest. He must be so disappointed in me."But dad, She put up my ponytail this morning and she even smiled at me." I could feel guilt start trickling into my stomache. I must have been such a horrible person to her and apparently everyone else. I know I have to somehow fix this but I dont even know how I would start.I could tell them the truth. But what if they dont take me seriously? Then they'll tell me it's just, that everyone goes through it. That it's all perfectly normal and that I would get over it. Or if they did beleive me they would get me a therapist or lock me up to make sure I dont hurt myself. It probably wouldn't even matter if I told them I was working on it, that I'm actually genuinely trying.
Saracasm caked my dads next words, "how nice of her." I heard him slam down his knife and drop the vegetables into a pot and start filling the pot with water from the faucet. "Diane, Danny has been ignoring you, speaking harshly to you, even glaring at you. Why are you so hopeful that she'll change?" The faucet turns off. "If anything, you should be pissed at her. You should just be really angery." I hold my breath to hear what she has to say. Dad's right, she should be pissed. She should not want to talk to me at all. So why is she hoping and defending me? Why does she still even care?
"Shes just sad dad." She whispered it low enough that if I had been breathing, I don't think I would have heard it. Nobody else noticed me being sad or hurting. Even as bad as I look right now, people never asked me if I was okay. They never asked if I needed someone to talk to. Nobody cared enough too. Except my sister it seems. I almost started crying but then stopped the flow from ever even thinking about existing. I need to fix this. Diane still has hope in me and I can't let her or myself down again. I have to do better now. I've got a life to live, a plan to follow through. I've got things to do.
I walked intot he kitchen and started adding seasonings to the pot. I have become a master at cooking, which is actually good since I want to own my own resturaunt when I can. The easiest way of doing this, besides just buying a place and calling it a restuant, i'm going to become a chef. Dad chopped up some chcken and breaks spagetti noodles and dumps them into the pot. I love chicken soup. "Ooh man," says Diana while rubbing her "that smell is making me hungry."
Laughing, i knew what she meant. The whole kitchen had begun to smell like chicken broth and it was like heaven. I filled my nose with the smell and she noticed and laughed whilst doing the same thing. Pretty soon, as most things do, it became a competition between us to see who could sniff more aggresively. I was winning when dad said,"what a bunch of wierdos." We laughed at him and I turned off the burner. Today has really been a pretty good day so far.