A Little Secret

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Damn, Just Fucking Damn

Chapter 22: Damn, Just Fucking Damn


It’s been three months since I’ve seen Sasuke and Toshiro. The snow is gently falling around me as light crunches from my running. It’s 5:30 in the morning, February 14th, my 18th birthday to be exact. Being that it’s a Sunday I don’t have swimming practice or a swimming meet. We’re about half way through our swimming season, well unless we get to go to states. I couldn’t sleep so I figured I would go for a run to try to clear my head. It’s cold, I can see my breath as it seeps past my lips as I run. I ’m wearing under armor leggings and long sleeve shirt under my hoodie and shorts. I decided to go do my normal route that I run on Sundays since I moved back to the Carlson’s house instead of living in the dorms. Well I decided to do it backwards today, might as well with it being my birthday and all, just trying to change it up.

The crisp, early morning air hurts my lungs a bit, but it’s helping…I just need to see…see if he’s back, see if anyone is back in that house…I can’t keep avoiding it. I’ve been avoiding the Kaisai’s house… two months ago was the last time I went into that house.

“Is Liz not home?” I said out loud to no one as I noticed the car her parents got her as her birthday and Christmas present, with her birthday being Christmas eve it’s gotta be rough. But hell I would fucking love to get a car for a birthday or Christmas present. But with her being gone I don’t have to worry about someone noticing that I’m going into the house. The spare key was still in the same place. My hands are beat red from the cold and I had to dig through the snow to find the damn key.

I blew into my hands a few times to warm them up then unlocked the door. Placing my hand on the door knob and took a deep breath of cold air, then exhaling slowly, “Here we go.” I turned the handle and opened the door. Snow drifted into the house as I walked in.

There was nothing. The walls were bare, no furniture, nothing…my footsteps echoed in the house as I walked around. It’s as if they never lived here. They just…they simply…disappeared… When I went into what was Mr. Kaisai’s old office when I looked around I found a book. This book is the only thing that’s making me not look insane right now.

“What would you do if I just disappeared one day?” Sasuke’s words echoed in my mind.

Hot tears swelled up in the corner of my eyes and slid down my cheeks. “God damn it…” My voice cracked as I looked down at the book in my hands. “Fucking kidding me…you were trying to tell me and I just was fucking stupid and thought it was a joke…I didn’t want to hear it…” I pulled my left hand away from the book so I could use my arm to wipe away my tears. “Now your gone and I have no idea where you are.” My body was shaking…I’m so fucking frustrated with Toshiro…with Sasuke…mostly with myself. God fucking damn it.

I ran out of the house with the book in my hand. I pulled the door closed behind me, but the snow was too deep for me to move fast through it and I ended up tripping and falling into the snow. “Fucking snow…just…god fucking damn it…” I sat there in the snow. I’m shivering, I can’t tell if it’s from the cold or if it’s with being frustrated from how stupid I fucking am, or that I’m mad with Sasuke for just up and leaving like that…I don’t know any more. “God damn it…UGH…” I flop back down in the snow once more. Then I quickly sat up because snow went down my under armor, I rocketed back up into an upright position. “Fuck that’s cold.” I got up and brushed the snow off of me, “Fucking balls…” I mumbled and got myself back to the sidewalk and finished my run back to the Carlson’s.

I tried to walk into the house as quietly as I could, but I guess it didn’t really matter, it seems that Lily woke up Mr. and Mrs. Carlson while I was out on my run. “How was your run?” Mr. Carlson asked me from the kitchen as I slipped out of my shoes.

“It was freezing, and I fell in the snow,” I answered my voice a bit muffled as I pulled my hoodie off and more snow fell out of my hoodie. “I can’t feel my hands or my feet.”

“After you can feel your hands and feet again take a bath to help warm yourself up a bit more.” Mr. Carlson said and I nodded in response.

I felt someone lean against me and wrapped me in a blanket and a tight hug. “Happy birthday Sean.” I didn’t even hear Mrs. Carlson come up behind me.

I couldn’t help but smile a little even though I feel like absolute shit, “Thanks Mrs. Carlson.” I chuckled.

Lily came walking over to me, her hair all over the place and dressed in sweat pants and a sweater. “Hi Lily.” Mrs. Carlson let go of me so I could squat down, “Did someone get a bath?”

Lily walked close to me, but before she walked into her arms I guess she decided she had walked enough and sat down. “bua bua.” She said with a smile and then a giggle.

“Yeah, you got a bua bua, your hair is all over the place.” I chuckled and started brushing her hair down with my right hand.

“Why don’t you go get out of those wet clothes so you can warm up a little faster.” Mrs. Carlson suggested as I open the blanket up and waddled over to Lily and scooped her up in the blanket with me before standing up.

“You can take a bath yourself after breakfast considering that it’s almost done.” Mr. Carlson added.

I nodded as Lily held her arms out to Mrs. Carlson and I passed her over, “Sounds good, I’ll go get changed then.” With that I wandered to my room and after dropping the blanket on my bed I pulled off my hoodie, which is no soaked because of the snow that was still on it when I walked into the house. I tossed it into my hamper. That’s getting full, I should probably do my laundry today at some point. But my shorts and long sleeve under armor quickly followed so I was just in my leggings. My entire upper body was red from how cold it is outside, plus the fact that I fell into the snow. I grabbed a t-shirt out of my dresser and threw it on before pulling off my leggings finally and slipping into my swim team sweat pants.

I took a long deep breath in as I ran my fingers through my hair. This is harder than it looks trying to not look like I’m depressed and defeated. I didn’t even feel like this when I got my concussion. I grabbed the blanket on the way out of my room, the smell of waffles and bacon flooded into my senses as I wandered past the kitchen so I could put the blanket back in the living room.

“Do you have any homework that you have to get done tonight?” Mrs. Carlson questioned as she got Lily set up in her high chair.

“No, I finished it at school on Friday so that way I didn’t have to worry about it this weekend.” I replied as I went out into the kitchen and grabbed the two plates that were full of food and took them out to the table. “Do you two have any plans sense its valentine’s day?”

“Considering it’s your birthday we figured that we would just stay in and be with you.” Mrs. Carlson smiled though there was something else behind her smile that didn’t sit right with me…she was hiding something.

“I have a feeling you’re not telling me something.” I rose an eyebrow at her as I set down the plates on the table.

“Or we could go to this swimming competition that we signed you up for that’s being held today.” Mrs. Carlson scooted past me and over to her purse and pulled out a folded piece of paper and handed it to me.

I unfolded it and read it. It was one of the biggest competitions that was happening in the next town over. I’ve always wanted to join this competition. There are normally scouts at these competitions, it would be a good way to try to get a scholarship to a college or university. “Can we go?” I asked excited.

“Of course we can! We did sign you up for it.” Mr. Carlson stated as he brought the other two plates. One was for Lily and the food just ended up going instantly onto the try then Mr. Carlson sat down with the other plate in his hand.

“With it starting at nine this morning and it’s only a little after six you’ll be able digest before it starts.” Mrs. Carlson said sitting down in her set that was next to Lily and I sat in the seat across the table from Lily.

It only takes about thirty minutes to get to the swimming club in the next town from here, so I had time to eat and take a shower to warm myself up before we head out. I started eating and having warm food really helped with warming me back up. Once I was done I helped get the empty plates to the sink, but before I could rinse them Mr. Carlson pushed me back towards me room so I could go take a shower. I grabbed the towel I had hanging on my bed post and went and took a shower. The warm water felt hot but it was nice once my body adjusted to it. I really just wanted to stay in the shower and fill up the tub and just soak, but with having this swimming meet to get too, there wasn’t really any time for that. I can soak in the tub later.

Once I was done I got dressed into the clothes that I was in before and went back to my room. I put my swimming leggings into my duffle bag with my jammers just in case. I wandered over to my dresser and grabbed my cap and tossed it into my bag. I stopped and held onto my goggles…it was the pair that I found in Sasuke’s house the day I went over. He had good taste the outside rim was light blue and then it was black everywhere else. I took a deep breath in and then walked them over to my duffle bag and put them in the carrying sleeve that came with them.

“I’ll do my best…that’s all I really can do…Sasuke got me these, I’m going to make damn sure I put in my best effort to place today.” I muttered to myself and I tightened the strings and then placed them in my bag. After making sure that I had everything I needed in there. I switched into my track suit for my swim team, grabbed a towel form the bathroom, zipped it up and brought it out so I wouldn’t forget it.

“Do you have everything?” Mr. Carlson questioned as he already got his shoes on and was working on getting Lily’s boots on.

I slipped on my boots and grabbed the keys to go and start the car, “I’ll be right back.” I said and went out in the garage. I opened the door manually and then started the car. It was nice that they had a garage, it meant that the car didn’t need to be cleaned off before they had to go somewhere. I made my way back into the house.

“Thanks for starting the car.” Mr. Carlson said as Lily pulled off her boot and started laughing.

“No Lilyboo we keep them on so our feet don’t get cold when we go outside.” Mrs. Carlson said after zipping up her jacket.

I couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit as I grabbed my jacket and put it on as Mrs. Carlson put Lily’s boots back on her feet. Once she got them on she picked her up. I grabbed my duffle bag after making sure one last time that I had everything and just to be safe I refilled my water bottle and put it back in its pocket. Putting the strap over my shoulder I was the last one out of the house and closed the door behind me.

We left driveway at about 7:30. It was a good thing because it took us a little longer to get there with it snowing out and there being some slush on the roads. But we got there around 8:15 and were able to get me signed in. I signed up for the 100m and 200m considering those were the only two that they had. I’ve done a 400m before but I was exhausted afterwards. Once I figured out what I wanted to do I was told which direction to go to in order to get to the locker room.

I found an empty locker and set my stuff down. “Sean I didn’t think we’d see ya here.” Oh no… I turned my head a bit. There they were, the three fucking stooges. Sam, Nick, and Andy all walked over to me. This is exactly what I didn’t need to day. Andy slapped my back after I got my coat off and hung it up in the locker.

“What do you want?” I asked not really in the mood to deal with them today.

“We want to sign up for the melody relay, you in?” Sam asked getting right to the point.

“Isn’t there someone else from the team here that you can ask about joining you three?” I bluntly questioned as I took off my swim team jacket and t-shirt before unzipping my duffle bag and digging out my leggings.

“Don’ cha’ wanna have another opportunity for scouts ta see ya swim?” Andy asked me and I stopped what I was doing and looked over at him.

“Come on Sean, we know that if ya get a scholarship it’ll be a lot easier for ya to get into a college, maybe even get a full ride.” Nick added in and dropped his right arm over my shoulders. “You can be the freestyle swimmer in the melody. That’s your strongest swimming style anyways right?”

These three are seriously using the fact that getting a scholarship is one of the only ways for me to be able to get into college against me? They’re trying to bribe me with that…fucking hell…god damn it… I sighed and pushed Nicks arm off of my shoulder. “I’m trying to get changed.”

“So ya’ll do it then?” Andy asked and I let out a frustrated sigh.

“If it’ll get the three of you away from me so I can finish getting changed then fine, I’ll fucking do it.” I answered.

“Fuck yeah, we’ve got ourselves a melody!” Nick exclaimed pumping his fists.

“We better hurry and get us signed up before they close.” Sam added in.

“Ya two go on ahead, I gotta piss first.” Andy said and I rolled my eyes.

Sam and Nick took off like rockets but Andrew stayed right where he was. “Well you can either fuck turn around or watch, either way I need to finish getting changed.” I said and pulled down my pants so I was in my boxers.

“Where da fuck is that lil pipsqueak? And his white haired friend? That lil fuck is yer best friend so I figure ya’ll should know where the fuck he is.” Wait…Andrew remembers Sasuke? When I talked to Clary she didn’t know who I was talking about. “When I talk ta Nick and Sam they don’ know who the fuck I’m talkin’ about.”

I pulled off my boxers and pulled on my leggings, “Why the hell should I tell you? Besides I don’t even know where he is.”

“Yer, lying ta me Sean. He had ta tell someone and who else than his best friend and da one who can protect his fuck shrimp ass.” I sigh and put my goggles around my neck. Just no…

“Look Andrew, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about where he went, just fucking drop it.” I don’t need to deal with it, not today. I’ve already cried enough and I don’t need to be distracted during this.

“Then we’ll talk about it later. Considering yer not lookin’ at me like I have my head screwed on backwards.” He said and with that slapped my back and headed to the stalls. “See ya out their birthday boy.”

Rubbing my face, I took a deep breath and then grabbed my cap before putting my bag in the locker and closing it. I hate that kid so much. If he’s in any race with me, I’m going to make sure that I at least beat his ass. No one talks about my best friend that way. Even if he just fucking left without saying a word to me. The fucking prick, I’m going to beat the shit out of him when I see him again. Just because he fucking deserves it, missing my birthday and what not… I took a couple of deep breaths and calmed myself down. I don’t need to be worked up, I just need to relax, it’s my birthday and I need to have fun. That’s why they signed me up for this. I’ve been wanting to be a part of this event for some time now. I just need to chill.

I put on my cap and headed out of the locker room to get a good look at the pool and to warm up a bit. There was still a bit of time to be able to warm up. There were a lot of people out in the stands and there were both guys and girls already in the pool. I stood next to the pool and stretched getting muscles loose before getting into the pool to do a few laps. As I stretched I found Mr. and Mrs. Carlson and they waved at me. I smiled and waved a little back before bringing up my goggles and getting into the pool.

I was able to get a few laps in before having to get out. I dried off as the announcers welcomed everyone to the meet and for all of us to have fun. They then proceeded to give us the breakdown of how everything was going to go for the day. The girls 100m free, butterfly, breath, and backstrokes were going first then followed up by the men’s. Once the 100m were over the 200’s would start and after those the melody relay.

I did well I made it into the finals for both the 100 and 200. Nick, Sam, Andy, and I were able to put aside our differences and just make it into the finals with the melody. Sam was getting over a cold so he was a bit slower with his breath stroke than usual. I placed 2nd in the 100, 1st in the 200, and we placed 3rd in the melody, it was a really good day all together.

Coach was there and saw the four of us work together to the melody. He wants us to start practicing now. I can’t blame him I just don’t want to be with them, but it’s for the team so I’ll have to get over it. Mr. and Mrs. Carlson took me out to dinner to celebrate. We went to Applebee’s and they sang happy birthday, it was really embarrassing, but a lot of fun at the same time. Lily fell asleep on the ride home. Thankfully with her already being in sweatpants and sweater we didn’t really need to get her into PJ’s before they put her to bed. I didn’t stay up much longer myself though. I was exhausted from today’s events. I did decide to take a soak in the tub just to relax and I almost fell asleep, so I got dressed in some shorts and went to bed. “I wish I knew where Sasuke was and how he was doing…” I mutter to myself closing me eyes and drifting off to sleep.

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