I don't want kids
My eyes go in circles. I can’t help but relay my entire life. When did everything go wrong? When did I lose myself? No matter how much I try to blame Jack my mind keeps coming back to one day. My first day of Kindergarten.
It was the first day I was ever bullied. The bullying never stopped. It felt like people just rotated, like when you were little you rotated with other people to play with one toy. You all took turns sharing it. I felt like a toy people passed around to tear me down.
Middle school was my down fall. I started cutting to let me feelings out. It felt relaxing to watch the blood drip down my arm. The best part was that I healed quickly so no one found out. Until one day I went to deep.
I have one long scar extending from my wrist to my elbow. It’s faded since when I was 13. The worst part was that no one ever knew what it was actually from. When my arm didn’t start healing I went outside and scraped my hands on the road and than continued to fall into a pile of mud.
I told my parents I slipped and slit my arm on a rock. They believed it. They didn’t even think anything of it. I think the fact that my parents didn’t notice hurt more than the actual cut. I guess it took that scar to make me stop what I was doing. I never thought about doing it again until now.
It’s funny how easy we can fall back into old addictions. How easy it is to let them control your life. When Jack came into my life I finally thought I had someone. I thought I was going to be able to tell him everything. Love him with everything I had.
Instead he destroyed me. He took every last piece of hope I had and shredded it. He took my happiness and smashed it with a hammer. He took the love I had for my mate and crushed it with his bare hands.
He made me hate myself. I hated my body. I remember the day he helped me throw up. He even went as far as making me a schedule for what days I could and couldn’t eat. My parents never knew anything.
They never noticed the bruises on my body. The weight I lost. They watched as the life in my eyes went out. They never questioned anything I ever did. Sometimes I wonder if they knew. Like deep down knew something was wrong with me or if they were just oblivious to it all.
I don’t blame them though. They didn’t see me often. I was either in my room and at Jacks. Yeah, I guess they didn’t know the signs. Maybe they were to caught up in teaching Carter or dealing with Lia’s rebellious side.
I think that it’s remarkable with how far I come from my 13 year old self. I don’t know what it was about seeing Kate hang off of Blake’s arm tonight, it made me realize how much I didn’t care. There was not one ounce of jealousy in me. I wasn’t hurt. I could care less.
I felt numb. Jack really destroyed that part of me. The part that couldn’t wait to meet her mate. To fall in love and have him mark me. Get married and have children. I don’t know but I just don’t care about that anymore.
It’s sad but also powerful. I have nothing holding me back from becoming a powerful alpha. Yet the urge to run a blade across my wrists is strengthening and I had no one to talk to. It’s 4 in the morning, I have no friends, and my family doesn’t know anything about that.
I lay here on my bed as I watch my ceiling fan spin, trying to decide what to do. I finally came to the conclusion of going on a walk. So I got my sad ass up and walked outside. It was mid June in Florida and the night air actually felt nice.
It wasn’t to hot. The humidity wasn’t killing you for once. There was a slight breeze that felt so good against your bare skin. I wonder what my life would be like if I was normal. I would probably be sleeping or just waking up for school to do my makeup and hair.
Maybe I would be happy. I would be a different person though. I sigh and look up at the moon. we’re two week away from the full moon. I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve been dying to put a protection spell on the pack territory but since it’s so large I’m going to have to tie it to the full moon.
That means I will have to recast it every month. “Carson, what are you doing awake this early?” My eyes meet dark blue ones. I give him a tight smile. “Couldn’t sleep. What about you?” He shrugs his shoulders.
“Just lost in my thoughts.” I chuckle. He walks over to me and turns so we can walk side by side. “Do you really kill people just for fun?” I ask, surprising him. “Not always. Sometimes I actually have a reason.”
“Have you ever hit a women before. Obviously not while being under attacked but for no reason?” I didn’t know what came over me to ask this question. For some reason I just wanted to know.
He killed people just for breathing, why not hit them to? “No I haven’t. I’m not a complete monster.” I shrug my shoulders. Maybe it was because I was just so tired or the fact that I wanted some one to finally cared but I told him about Jack. Or a like a glimpse of him.
“I was hit before.” He raises his eyebrows signaling me to continue. “It happened for two years. when I was 15 this guy claimed he was my mate and he abused me knowing I would hold onto the hope of him actually redeeming himself. That’s why I didn’t care about you and Kate.”
“I will kill him.” I roll my eyes. “Nah, there’s really no point.” And there wasn’t. Jack became a rogue when my parent’s found out he abused me. He got his punishment. “So why are you telling me?”
“Because it’s part of the reason why I would never love you.The other part is really you being a monster.”
“Maybe, or maybe it’s the fact that you’re scared to go through that kind of pain again.” I shrug my shoulders. “Carson I can assure you, I would never lay a hand on you, ever.” I really wanted to believe him. “Yet you almost hit my 16 year old sister for defending me.”
“I wasn’t going to hit her, just threatened her. Besides now I know that she’s Rafael’s mate.” I scuff. “God bless her soul.” I mutter. “That’s my best friend you know. If you want assurance that he will treat her right, he will.”
“But he’s so sexist.”
“I believe that if you sister wants something, she’s going to get it. Regardless of who stands in her way.” I chuckle. “God, it’s only been a day and I already miss her so much.” Why was I confiding in him?
I don’t even like him. I don’t want him as my mate. He’s a terrible person. He’s killed so many. “Why don’t you go up there this weekend?” As much as I would love to it would hurt me even more knowing I had to leave two days later.
“I have plans with Abby and Evie.” I wasn’t lying. We all wanted to go to the mall and spend more time with them. I think I want them to be my friends. “You’re first day here and you are already making friends.”
“Can I ask you something?” I don’t wait for him to respond. “I swear I’m not jealous or hurt or anything like that but is the reason you don’t want anybody to know that we’re mates because of Kate. Do you love her?”
“Uh no of course not.” No you don’t love her? or no that’s not why you don’t want anybody to know we’re mates. “I’ve been around a long time Carson. If people suddenly knew I had a mate, you would be a target. Until I mark you, you can be easily killed.”
“Until you mark me?” I ask confused. “Yes, when I mark you, you’ll become immortal, like me and my sister.” Immortal. “I don’t want to be immortal.” He looks at me surprised. “What do you mean you don’t want to be immortal. Everybody wants to be immortal.”
“Not me. I don’t want to outlive my siblings, my friends, my pack.” He clears his throat. “Well here’s the thing. Once I mark you, you’ll become immortal but once we have kids we will age like a regular wolf.”
“Well I don’t want kids, not with you at least.” Ouch even I know that was harsh. “It don’t matter because I’m not going to mark you. You know if you hate me so much what’s the point of you being here?”
“I don’t want to be here. You’re keeping me here!” I shout. “Because I thought overtime maybe we could have a relationship. I’ve only waited thousands of years to meet you. If I knew you were going to be a selfish bitch I wouldn’t of brought you here.”
I laugh. “Is that all you got? A selfish bitch, hunny you’re going to have to try a lot harder if you want to hurt my feeling.” I cross my arms over my chest. I’m not even phased. “How are you not able to kill when clearly have no feelings.”
I shrug my shoulders and bite my lip. “How can you so easily take someone’s life?” He throws his hands in the air. “Because I watch as my people were slaughtered again and again. I’ve seen my closets friends be ripped to shreds. I watch as my lovers bled to death and I couldn’t to a damn thing about it because I hesitated.
I close my mouth not knowing what to say. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me Carson. I won’t hurt you.” I shake my head. “Maybe not me, but you will hurt my friends and family to get what you want.”
I turn around and leave him all alone. How could he expect me to be with him after everything he did? He’s evil. By the time I make it back to my room it’s already 5. Knowing the little brat is up for school, I decided to call her.
“Carter?” She asks confused. “I hate it here.” I jump onto my bed. “I want to come home.” I whine. “I want you to come home to but it ain’t going to happen so stop complaining about it and start enjoying it.”
“Ugh, you’re right.”
“I know.” I narrow my eyes at nothing in particular. “Has Brooke settled on a date yet, for the wedding?” I ask. “Three weeks from now.” I nod my head. “That’s really close.” I can practically see her shrugging her shoulders.
“They want to hurry up and get married so they can start looking at adoption. ” Brooke can’t have kids. Unfortunately she’s infertile. Pack’s have a lot of abandoned babies though so it won’t be a problem for them to adopt one. Most of the time if a mom gave birth to the baby and their mate either died or rejected them, they don’t want the baby anymore.
In other cases where the mom’s die in childbirth the father’s will give their baby’s up because they weren’t sure if they could handle them by themselves. “I know but she’s still 17. I don’t know it just seems to soon.”
“She’ll be 18 next week. They’re mates Carson. They love each other. It makes perfect sense.” I kind of feel jealous. I love Brook and I love that she’s my brother’s mate but why couldn’t I just get someone that I could love with my whole heart?
It all just seems so unfair. “I know who your mate is.” I say really quickly. “What who?” I smirk. “Hmm I can’t tell you but it’s almost time for you to go to school. Have a good day. Love you!”
“Carson wait.” I hang up the phone smiling. This mate of her’s needs to change for the better. And I’m going to make sure of it. After training today I’m going to call him up and schedule a meeting with him.