Anxiety is an emotion that I will never be able to surpass. There were times when I just felt like the world was slowly slipping through my hands while disappearing in front of me. Maybe it is just fear but maybe it is just me fading away. I did not care for these kinds of moments. they did not matter anyway. My burning lungs and my heart beating so fastly and hard that I thought it would break my ribs, while I could not focus on the matter at hand. The emptiness was almost worse. The dark void. The black hole inside my mind, deep inside my soul. It is slowly crushing all my dreams. My hopes. The realization of the absurdity of my existence is confusing. These thoughts kept me awake at night.
In the five hours that I have been in bed, I must have woken up seven times. At least. Not for long but it was enough to break my sleep into an unrefreshing slumber. With every disturbance, there is a new nightmare.
Lucifer. Gabriel. The mystery man. The warning. My fate. My life. The answers that I do not have.
I have been trying to summon Lucifer five times in the last couple of minutes. He is late. I knew that Lucifer could feel my fear. I am not afraid of him but of the warning. Someone is trying to do something horrible. I can feel it, and Lucifer needs to end it.
Lucifer appeared in front of me. His face is emotionless not giving away anything. Deep down I knew that he is fearless. Maybe he could protect me.
“I can feel your energy. You are afraid. Who made you afraid, darling? Afraid of the past, the present, or of the future? Neither exists in any place but the simple imagination. I know that you are not afraid of me, right now at least. Fear is an emotion. Fear is a kind of madness, but fear can also be useful if you can learn to control it. You have to always face the fear with braveness and courage, to understand it, then also to let it go. You have to let these fears wake you up, and let them illuminate the path to your own true self, to your very own brave soul whose love shines like a star. For without fear, love is brighter, stronger, deeper. When you have found yourself, dear darling, then you will be your own master and your very last fear will be of your own strength.” Lucifer told me. He is right. For the first time in a long time, he is not acting evilly. It actually seems like he cares.
I felt like I had lost my mental strength after the encounter with the mystery man. I am deeply stressed, and because of the stress, I felt fear. I was afraid of my fate. The emotion, fear, sits quietly, crumbling the person I had been before. I slowly panic. My breathing becomes fast, erratic, deep, and then shallow. I fight the emotion. I fight fear as my body writhes to be free from shutting down. Each time this happens, a part of me learns to grow stronger, it has learned how to cope.
I make eye contact with Lucifer. He knows what I am going through, and he knows that I have learned to cope with it all by myself.
I cleared my throat. “Lucifer, I need to tell you something”
“What is it? I imagine that it has something to do with this fear.” Lucifer asked
“Yesterday, when you left me in a desert in hell. The weather suddenly got violent. I actually ended up hurting myself, you know how clumsy I am. Then the weather cleared up, and a mystery man came through a mist.-”
Lucifer interrupted me. “A mysterious man? What are you talking about? Nobody enters hell without my permission. And changing the weather? You must be delusional.”
My brain shuts down and stutters for a moment. Is he serious? “Lucifer, what could I possibly gain from saying this to you? You can feel when I am lying, and obviously I am definitely not lying.”
He looks at me for a moment and sighs. “Okay, then continue what you were saying.”
“Lucifer, this man gave me a warning. He also mentions something about an angel. Maybe it has something to do with Gabriel.” I said.
“Well, what did the warning say?” Lucifer asked
I had memorized the warning. ”Every angel is fully capable of turning into a demon or being a demon. Every single and last one of them. Unless you can feel the dark at it’s fullest and being able to reject it, you do not deserve the light at its strongest and most healing ability. Open means open. When you are open to light then you are open to the darkness. You cannot take one without the other. Many angels have chosen the light regardless of the personal cost, and the demons have chosen the darkness in the vain hope of comfort and ease. You have to expect angels to have a toughness to them, to have a breath of flame, and to have their strong wings made of fire. The angels have opened their child soul to the fires in hell and they have survived. That is truly angelic, but they can be tempted. Tempted to rise to power. Be aware Stella, your faith is truly in your own hands."
Then I continued. “After he said this, he disappeared and suddenly I was home.”
Lucifer furrowed his brows and looked confused. “I honestly do not know, how it is possible for another creature in Hell to send you here. Also messing with the weather.”
I nodded and agreed.
Lucifer continued “There is something about an angel being a demon and the other way around. A demon can be capable to change their looks, but only the powerful ones can. As for an angel to turn into a demon has not been seen in many years. The archangels always know when darkness enters the angels, and therefore they make them fallen angels. The fallen angels get sent to Hell.”
I sighed. “I am just very worried Lucifer. I do not have a good feeling about this. I think maybe someone is betraying you. But somehow I am included in all of this, and we need to figure out why.”
Lucifer nods. “Of course Stella. I cannot have someone in my realm betraying me. I can assure you that they will deeply regret it. We need to have a serious talk with Gabriel. I have a hunch that he is involved in this. As for the mysterious man, he will simply have to wait. I will figure out who he is another time.”
“I agree, but Lucifer I have tried to contact Gabriel several times and nothing has happened.”
“When the devil summons someone, they appear,” Lucifer told me.
I looked down at the ground and timidly said “We also need to talk about the whole issue about cheating.”
I looked at his face and saw that he is mildly irritated. “Whatever. We first need to figure this issue out. The warning concerns you, Stella. It cannot harm me, remember that I am immortal and have existed for thousands of years.”
He is right.
I began to think about Gabriel. It is very suspicious that he yet has not shown up. Gabriel is my only best friend. I liked spending time with him. He is like the brother that I never had. It was the laughs and giggles that were the sails upon our boat of friendship. The silly faces and wide smiles. In our opinion, everything could be funny and that was our special bond. Our humor was the kind of patch that I needed when I was feeling down. I remembered our fun silly little moments and then instantly my mood would get better.
What if our friendship has been a lie? What if he is trying to harm Lucifer through me? What if it is something entirely else? Have I been betrayed?
“Seriously Stella, stop it. Your thoughts are deafening. You are overthinking everything.” Lucifer said.
“I have told you many times to stop reading my mind! I cannot stop worrying Lucifer”
My head began to throb. It hurt badly. I squeezed my eyes shut. I always got migraines when I was stressed.
“Help me, please” I begged Lucifer. Lucifer always healed my headache when we were together. He knows how bad it hurts.
I heard him sigh. “Fine.”
And then the pain went away.
“Thank you so much,” I said sincerely.
“We need to go back to Hell so I can summon Gabriel. I can trap him there and we can question him. ” Lucifer said.
My thoughts wandered to that horrible place. Hell. Hell is not for the simple ordinary sins. It was not for people who swear or people that lose their temper in an argument. Hell is reserved for those who knew their actions were deeply wrong but did them regardless. For those who enjoyed the anguish of others and taking what is truly not theirs. Heaven and Hell is almost principle. If you had done more good than bad, meaning that you have been nice more often than you were rude, then you bathed in the happiness you gave others. The kinder and better gave a stronger effect. The worse you had been the weaker the effect. The balance could tip over in any second. If the balance tipped to more pain inflicted than alleviated, then Hell was your home. The effect would turn Hellis. The unfortunate souls would forever feel the pain they had inflicted in all eternity. The worse the deeds the more intense punishment and anguish.
Lucifer snapped his fingers in front of my face. I jumped, clearly in shock. I blinked several times.
“Sorry, you know that I hate visiting Hell. It is absolutely not a pleasant place. I just cannot stay home for this, so I guess I will go with you.” I said to Lucifer.
Lucifer looked annoyed. “Sorry, Your Highness. I simply cannot adjust Hell for you to find it pleasant. The underworld clearly needs to be unpleasant. All souls have to spend eternity there and they have to be tortured.”
I could clearly hear the sarcasm in his voice. I rolled my eyes.
“Sorry but let’s just leave now,” I said.
Lucifer nodded at me and I closed my eyes.
When I opened them again, I saw the dreadful place. We were back in Hell and inside of Lucifer’s palace.”