To Love

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Chapter 26

"You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick"


I feel lightheaded, the room that once felt stable, solid, begins to turn on its axis and take me with it. Every muscle in my body feels tight from the shock of her words and my throat tightens to the point it hurts.

Its an effort to even make a noise but it’s harder to string together the response I know I need to give. “What?” I manage, biting back the pain that wants so badly to make itself known.

“The contraception is just glucose, there is no medication at all in the pills. Mathew said that if you took any more of the wolfsbane it could kill you, at first I was under the impression that he’d actually found a loophole but when I discovered it wasn’t…”

She shakes her head, almost at a disbelief with herself. “The king sent a letter personally to me, detailing his orders and the importance of you not knowing, I thought that I was helping,” she says, rushing the words out with fervour.

Helping?” I ask, drawing the question out and it takes all the strength I have to put a cap on the rage that simmers beneath my skin.

“I shouldn’t have kept it from you… I was planning to tell you I just didn’t know how-”

“When?” I demand, biting down on the inside of my cheek to stop from letting out a choked sob. “When did your plan decide it would be a good time to tell me?” I ask and she tries to form a response but ends up flicking her gaze to the ground, guilt plastered over her face.

“You had no right. I’ve, we’ve,” I start thoughts racing in my mind, Romans body pressed close to mine, the shudder of his body and hardening of his muscles. The many nights we shared seeking comfort in one another convinced that nothing other than pleasure would come of it.

“Did he know?” I ask and we both know exactly who I am referring too. She doesn’t answer fast enough and my stomach coils. “Did he know?” I repeat with more intensity than before.

“I don’t know,” she admits honestly and the lack of certainty only alleviates my stress a small fraction.

I clutch my hand over my stomach. “I think I’m going to be sick,” I say and the profession makes a certain look cross over her face and I shoot her a glare. “Not like that,” I snap.

“I thought that I was helping people-you know that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. I’m a doctor, Mae and Matthew said that it was my duty to help save the people of this pack. I didn’t think into it and I should have, I’m sorry,” she professes and I look at her through squinted eyes, unable to figure out just how her mind works.

“You have the audacity to talk about the hour of being a doctor, the obligation that you have to save people life and stick to your code and then completely strip away the rights I have over my own body like its nothing?” I say to her, my voice steadily rising into a yell.

“I also had-have,” she corrects herself with a shake of her head. “An obligation to this pack. It’s not all as simple as it might seem to follow a system like this and have it engrained into your very soul to do so. If I could take it back Mae I would,” she says, pain covering her face.

“If you could take it back?” I snap, tears beginning to well in my eyes. “I could be pregnant,” I yell and once the words are finally out there tears fall down my face and sobs pass my lips.

“Mae, please,” she says, taking a step towards me and I look at her through my pain with complete disgust.

“Don’t come near me. I don’t care if you are destined to be my queen, I don’t care if you don’t want to speak to the King- I am done helping you. Your obligation to this pack ended the moment you worked with the king against me, the moment you betrayed me not only as a friend, but as a Luna. You were already his to begin with and now you can figure out how to deal with that fact on your own.”

I go to move past her and she blocks my path. “Mae please don’t do this, don’t end our friendship,” she says and her words pack more of a punch than she realises. Another relationship that I have is dissolving right in front of me, another person supposed to be close and stay close going all over again and leaving me utterly alone.

“If not for me then for you, you said he’d take your power. Mae please I’m sorry,” she says and I shoot her a steely gaze.

“He’s taken everything else, what’s a little more?” I spit because truthfully, I couldn’t care. He can strip me of all my titles, take every inch of control and say I once had from me and I still won’t stop. I’ll find a way, just like I always do but I won’t play his games anymore.


I don’t let her respond as I storm from the room, slamming the door behind me earning a concerned look from a guard casually strolling past. The need to vomit returns with a raging urge and my head starts to spin the further down the hall I walk, making me brace my hand onto the wall to steady myself.

I feel myself begin to sweat with the outbreak of nerves and my body trembles from the cries that so desperately want to escape. My face crumples and stopping myself from sobbing physically hurts my body.

A child. I need to remind myself that I might not be pregnant, that maybe the wolfsbane I gave myself before stuffed up my system enough to ensure that I never did. But the chance… the chance that I am going to have to bring a child into this world-Roman’s child. It makes chills run down my spine and hear cripple me.

“Luna, are you okay?” The guard, the one who was previously loitering through the halls stops beside me, his hand hovering near my trembling frame.

“I’m fine,” I struggle, wiping away the tears. I notice the worried glances of other people who slow down their movements around the living quarters to spare a glance.

“Would you like some help? Do you need me to call the doctor?” I shoot him the deadliest glare, not bothered by the fact that it might seem a little harsh.

“No,” I reply, my voice entirely angered with little room for debate.

“But you are unwell, I can contact them for you Luna and they can help,” he says once more, his concern for my wellbeing overpowering his need to comply with my obvious wishes.

“I don’t want to step foot in that fucking hospital ever again,” I say and he is more stunned at my word choice than anything else. “I want to go to my room.”

“Of course,” he says, offering his hand to help me.

I take it reluctantly, I’m opposed to the fact that I need assistance but not stupid enough to deny it. He helps me to stand and remains close, wary of another fall. I’m thankful that he doesn’t say another word as we walk down the familiar route to my room.

Maybe it was reckless of me to cut my ties from Lynn. Without her, I have no power to challenge the king and whatever punishment he wishes to inflict upon me for my meddling-he has every right. I doubt that Lynn will confess to him we are no longer close-she won’t want to get within a metre of him to do so.

But he’ll find out some way. And part of me doesn’t care. I hope when he finds out he becomes so enraged, so frustrated with himself that he strips me of all my titles and banishes me from my own pack. I want him to feel helpless and alone with the reality he faces of having the one person close to his mate now gone.

I want him to feel how I feel, even if his pain won’t be anywhere near the scale of mine.

I need to speak to Roman. Out of everyone here he is probably the only person left that I can trust to some degree. I need to find out if he knew the entire time. I need to confront him and read his face in the exact moment that I do because if I find that he’s a part of this…

I don’t think I could ever forgive him.

I also need, more than anything, to find out if what I dread is true. I’ll need to figure something out, some way to know for sure. And I don’t want to do it alone.

The moment we reach the Alphas quarters I notice more guards stationed near the entrance, standing to attention upon my arrival. “Thank you, soldier, we will take it from here,” I notice Sam immediately and the face of the other warriors in my Umbra become known as well.

If they are here then Roman must know about it.

“I can get to my room on my own,” I say to Sam as the other guard leaves me encased by the men here to protect me.

“I’m sure you can, but if you need help and there is no-one around to give it to you, it’ll be on our heads,” he says and I narrow my eyes at him. I wish Teo were here instead and at the thought of it, tears begin to well in my eyes.

My actions were on Teo’s head and because of me, he isn’t around now to be there for me-to give me any advice. To be my friend.

Guilt flashes across Sam’s face and I know he is thinking of the same person as me but his tough exterior comes back quickly. “Luna, I didn’t mean to make you upset.” His voice is completely stoic but I can tell he means it.

Besides, it is hardly his fault that I am a complete emotional wreck. “It’s fine, I just want to go to my room,” I manage, concealing the pain in my words as best a I can. I don’t want these men to view men as vulnerable though their very jobs are to help me in that state.

“Where is Roman?” I ask.

“He is in a meeting, Luna. I am sure when he is finished with his duties he will visit you,” Sam replies and it causes pain to pierce through my skull, my head throbbing with the stress.

“Okay,” I mummer, unable to string together more words than that and Sam nods.

They allow me space as we walk the rest of the way to my room stop at the end of the hall, letting me walk into my room past the previous leaders of the packs up until the place absent of the painting I ripped down. I don’t want there to be another painting, I don’t want to have my child and their mate occupy the space beside it. I don’t want any part of it.

I waste no time entering my room, closing the door with a loud thud behind me only to rest my head against it, feeling sweat begin to bead on my forehead. I clench my eyes shut and try will myself not to cry as I fumble in my pocket for my phone, sighing with relief when I find it.

I walk over to the bed, sitting down on my side facing the balcony as I dial in Roman’s number fervently.

“Pick up, damn you,” I say with frustration into the phone, letting the tears slide down my face. His voice answers the phone with an automated message. I wait for the tone and then suck in a shaky breath. “Roman,” I say, my voice a squeak, cracking as if just mentioning his name is enough to let my resolve finally snap. “I really need you to call me back-or just come to the room I-” I stop, inhaling a breath to stop myself from sobbing into the phone. “Somethings happened and I need your help, I don’t know what to do. I’m scared,” I admit and with the admission I have to put my hand over the phones speaker to muffle the sound of a sob escaping my body.

“Please, just come I need yo-” The phone beeps, cutting my message off and I place it on the side table in front of me, running my hands through my hair. My eyes find a tall glass of water, still fogged from the coolness and I mentally thank the maid Roman must have sent to give me this.

I chug the water in seconds, feeling better for it before looking at my phone again. Tears of frustration pricking my eyes. The one time I want him, he isn’t here. Go figure.

I find his number on my phone again and just as I am about to dial it I hear the door handle jiggle but not move. Locking it was more a force of habit than anything else.

“Luna?” Sam questioned from the other side. “Is everything okay in there?” He asks, worry lacing my tone and I furrow my brows.

“I’m fine, I think I’m just going to have a nap,” I reply and he doesn’t answer for a few seconds, clearly deliberating.

“If you need one of us just call,” he says and I hear his footsteps retreat.

I am tired, my entire body is strained from exhaustion. I want to just close my eyes purely for the fact that it will let my mind stop turning for a moment. So I lay down underneath the smooth sheets and rest an arm underneath my pillow, not bothering to change clothes as I stare out the balcony.

My vision starts becoming blurred as I drift closer to sleep and I feel my head spin slightly though I am lying down. I blink hard just as I hear a door open and close behind me. I move up quickly and my head pounds from the movement, it feels like I am on a rollercoaster the way my body sways without control.

“Roman,” I say, turning around to look at him only to find nobody. My brows crease and I pull the blankets from my body. “Roman?”

“Mae,” my head whips around so fast at the sound of my name my vision blurs completely and I have to close my eyes to slow everything down.

I see glimpses of clothing in front of me where I sit but I know that the person who used my name was not Roman. That much is clear even in my delirious state. “Who are you?” I ask, slightly panicked and when I open my eyes the answer to my question is standing a metre from my bed.

“Ollie?” I ask, staring into his emerald eyes and he gives me a reassuring smile, one that makes my gut coil. I blink again and he isn’t there, making my bottom lip begin to quiver as I look over to the tall glass of empty water.

I stand up from the bed and any descent onto the floor comes hard and fast but instead of crashing into the plush carpet, my body falls limp into gloved hands that tighten around me almost instantaneously. “What…” I start but my words come out slurred and all Oliver does is shush me, tucking the hair that sticks to my face away, unbothered that it is drenched in sweat.

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore, Mae. I’m here now,” he says and I let out a whimper, fear convulsing through me and making my body shake. From the look he gives me he only sees relief.

“No,” I mummer shakily, goosebumps rising over my skin and I see the flinch that crosses over his face but he removes it as quickly as it comes.

I place my face into my hands and feel my chest begin to tighten, my breathing becoming more frantic and rapid as my body hyperventilates to cope with the stress. “Please don’t, Ollie. Please just leave me alone I can’t go, don’t you get it? I can’t.”

I’m sure my words are slurred-practically incomprehensible to understand but from the way his face softens and then hardens with an inexplainable anger, I know he understood clearly. He places his gloved hand on my cheek and his emerald green eyes look into mine as my vision blurs even further as a cry escapes my lips.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you Mae and where we are going, you are going to be safe. Trust me,” he says-my husband, the man I vowed to have and hold, cherish until death do us part. Trust should come easy but /instead, it doesn’t come at all.

“No,” I mummer as he becomes completely blurred. I hear the door handle jiggle and then eventually start to thud but what I don’t catch, is Olivers glove being removed until I feel the stinging sensation of his palm rest up against my cheek once more.

And then, all at once, the world turns completely black.


When my vision returns I stare up at a concrete ceiling through the blur of my unshed tears. It takes me a moment to blink them away and when I do I move to wipe them from my cheeks, shocked to find free movement of my hands.

The room is completely dim, so close to the point of darkness that most walls are encased with creeping shadows. The only source of light comes from a small lamp in the corner of the room, set up near a slightly tattered couch and a pile of books haphazardly stacked to the side.

I sit up and have to suppress the groan that rattles though my body. Every muscle in my body feels taut, stretched by some invisible force and my head pulsates. It’s like I am encased by constant pain.

I slowly move my head to the side and take in the double bed I rest in, the side to my right untouched, the sheets smooth like I didn’t move an inch throughout my entire sleep.

I must’ve knocked straight out. I look around further and notice a large drawer, the top draw open with a shirt or two hanging out. There are a line of maybe three boots organised neatly next to the a door and another door not far to its right.

I gather almost instantly that this room belongs to someone else and the tight muscles in my body feel like even more of a cage. I try to piece together the blur of last night, if it was in fact a night ago. I could’ve been out for days, weeks and I wouldn’t know.

I lift the covers from my body and find myself clad in an oversized shirt, my body bare aside from a pair of underwear that I did not put on myself. My hair, I notice, sticks to the back of my next-cold with water. Ive been showered, and changed it appears.

My body shudders, not purely from the chill of the room but the fear that begins to eat away at my mind. The moment I step down onto the carpeted floor I notice a trail of water leading to the door furthest from the pile of shoes.

Whoever lives in this room is going to return at some point. Return to see me, awake and ready to investigate. I try to think back to blacking out but the only memories my mind can conjure are that of me spinning myself to sleep, flashes of my room are the last images I have available to myself. Perhaps the King has moved me to a cell, one far away from the ones underneath the palace.

Maybe Roman is here too, awake before me and being punished as I stand here to think. It would make sense. If the King found out about my argument with Lynn, if he became enraged about my betrayal of him yet again then perhaps he considered we wouldn’t be let off easy this time at all.

I walk towards the trail of water tentatively, my eyes scanning the room for any signs of a mirror or perhaps cameras that might be monitoring my steps but find none. This cell is unwatched but that doesn’t mean that someone isn’t on the other side of the door, waiting to take me to my punishment too.

I need a weapon. I need to be prepared. I open the door that left a water trail, satisfied to find a small bathroom containing a bath that doubles as a shower, a small vanity and a toilet. There is no mirror in here either, nothing to allow me to assess the state of my body above what my eyes can see. I’m not bruised, but I feel like I am, like my insides have taken every punch meant for my skin.

I open the cupboards of the small vanity first, finding nothing but soaps and a small comb before my eyes roam over the room, looking for something to wield. I take a step near the bath and move to pull back the bleak curtains only for my body to convulse in complete agony, my heart tightening in my chest making me gasp for breaths.

My legs fail me first and my body crumbles soon after, my hands reaching onto the seat of the toilet as I hunch over and try to muffle the cries of my pain. I don’t know how long it takes, or how long I am sat there but my body soon starts to return to normal, the pain slowly going away.

All I can think about is Roman. I must be feeling his pain, whatever is happening to him, whatever punishment he is being put through-this must be what I’m feeling. It’s that fact and that fact alone that gives me the strength I need to pull myself up, my eyes landing on the lid to the cistern immediately.

I grab it off, letting my arms get used to the heavy weight before moving stealthily back into the main room. I position myself near the door and steady my breathing, becoming as quiet as I can possibly be. I don’t know how many guards would be patrolled outside my room or how many would come to retrieve me but if I can get past them somehow-knock them out or create enough of a commotion to slip by then I might have a chance of getting to him-helping him out of here.

I must wait for a while-nearly half an hour perhaps before I hear footsteps sound outside the door, closing in with a steady pace. I grip the weapon in my hand tightly and press myself firm up against the wall, my heart racing as the door handle jiggles, unlocking from the outside before opening slowly.

The second the head of hair comes into view I bring the toilet lid crashing down over my shoulder, beelining straight for his skull only for him to dodge in the last second, sending my weapon flying through the door and smashing onto the concrete outside.

Panic consumes me and I don’t have the guts to look into the eyes of my assailant as I clammer down, reaching for a shard of the broken lid only to be pulled back by my wrist into the room, the door slamming shut with a thud, locking me in with him.

“Mae, it’s just me. It’s just me,” My entire body stills and I am too fearful to even turn around and meet the man behind the words. I know that voice, I’ve memorised the sound of that voice and listened to it maybe even more than my own and yet hearing it again…

Faster than I can consider doing it, my body lurches for the door, my hands wrapping around the handle only for his arms to encase my waist, making me let out a scream, thrashing against his defined muscles. His arms aren’t wrapped around me tenderly, providing comfort and love. They cage me in a vice grip that pulls tighter with each struggle I make against his hold.

“Stop, Mae it’s me, calm down, its okay. You’re safe, I’ve got you, please just calm down,” he says, pained worry seeping through his voice. But I can’t calm down, I can’t calm down because right now, I feel the furthest thing from safe.

He lifts my body and carries me over to the bed, unbothered by my fighting and pins me down, resting his body weight on my legs to effectively cease their movement and pinning my arms together above my head. “Mae, stop this, I don’t want to hurt you just calm down, please,” he says and as I stare into the emerald green eyes of my husband pure panic washes over me.

“Mae,” he says again softly, his voice empty with longing as he looks over my face lovingly-nothing but care in his expression. “My beautiful Mae.”

I don’t have anything to say-can’t say anything as he uses his free hand and feather-lightly, with not a trace of malice, runs the tip of his finger down the side of my cheek. And before I can even conjure up a response, his lips come crashing own onto mine with a deprived urgency and a searing hot pain rips through my body.

authors note

boy oh boy reading back over the first chapters of tlh has me more keen than ever to rewrite them honestly ahaha when time comes my way I am going to need to do some serioussss editing

anyways sorry again for the late update, I've been so tired as of late and busy as busy gets

please don't forget to comment and all that jazz and I will see y'all with the next update :))


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