5.2 Home and Heaven
Happy New Year guys!
May you find the best version of yourself in this year: live, learn and become the best.
God bless you!
“A daughter is a mother’s gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension of her self. And mothers are their daughters’ role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships.”
― Victoria Secunda
Maybe I was wrong,
Taking the turns of heart,
Maybe time wasn’t right,
Letting us both meet,
Maybe something was wrong with destiny,
Allowing us to come close,
Everything was mistake,
But mine falling for you wasn’t!
Through the hustles of life, one thought strikes hard, what is peace? Can it be the luxury swiped with the time we run for work, or can it be the moment of halt which seems necessity while juggles of pressure. The tired face lit up at the waiting faces, the entire day stress submerges into nothingness and smile blossoms when one reaches home; the sleep one gets ensuring the safety and joy of his people is bliss.
In simple terms, peace is where heart is at ease, it’s the home where love lives.
The sight of the familiar place warms my heart, dryness fades and heavy emotions once again come to irritate my eyes.
I push back the bile threatening to spill under the turmoil of emotions, letting my gaze roam, I take in every inch of the home; trying to see any changes but there aren’t any. The trees are still smiling down as they sway against the cool breeze, the lawn is radiant in the care of green lustrous grass; the pure white wall still promises the peace and joy which the home always offers.
The porch-stairs seem inviting, the site tells me, I’m welcomed today; like I have always been. It’s mine; and I’m a part of its heart.
“It seems like home missed me.” Words slip from me.
“Not just home but members, they all missed you.” Jerry mumbles from behind.
I close my eyes shut, another wave of anguish seep into my veins; before I flutter them open; Mrs. Mahri—yah squeezes my hand before ushering me forward, I realize I had stilled at her words.
I look over my shoulders, my brother and brother-in-law both walking behind me; I can feel their emotions in their eyes; Fergal, where knows how to stay cool and calm; Jerry is having hard time hiding his happy tears.
After our brief interaction, Gideon led me to the outskirts where Fergal was waiting along with Jerry and Mrs. Mahri—yah who seemed quite frightened but heaved a sigh of pure relief when Gideon acknowledged them with a nod; given to the fact of Mr. Volcano’s rage, I’d be too. With that, casting me a smile, we parted, leaving me with them, he left; taking away nothing but leaving his warmth with me.
“Where is Tiara?”
I ask, glancing at their faces.
The declaration perhaps was all I need, as I leap forward; as the door pushes open, the strong fragrance of familiarity engulfs me; the hall has the same setting, the cushions, I notice are at the same patterns as I last left them to, Tiara used to sit on the pile accumulating them, and I intentionally scatter them to save us the mess later.
The dining table, the frames, all articles are at the place where I left them; like not one day has passed, when time has taken a long leap.
I left without a second thought and they kept me in their heart, their memories.
Wetness wells up, and pain shrills through my chest. Nothing but regret comes to haunt me. My eyes move toward the stairs, and Jerry nods softly, the soaked eyes of my brother shatter another piece of mine.
“In your room.”
And I rush, toward my little bundle of joy, to my heart’s joy, to my Tiger.
Wiping off the wetness, I plaster a smile; before pushing the door open; the site wrenches my heart, the girl whom I never let grumble in my embrace is now withered, shrunk into a ball, staring at her mother’s frame with lost gloomy eyes.
Now, I understand, why Jerry was anxious!
Blinking back the bile, I curl in lips into a deceptive smile, “Tiger!”
Just a whisper was enough; her eyes widen before her head shoot in my direction; my grin deepens as I watch the small girl padding toward me through her wobbling steps.
I fall on my knees, opening my arms; as she reaches me. Her fragile small frame feels like heaven in my arms; I feel the touch of peace and relief having her in my arms. I press her more into me letting her head cocooned in my bosom; her small fingers find their way to my black tendrils like always, the little child is trying to comfort me like she always does. I keep on pressing soft kisses on her head, with every kiss, trying to apologize for every moment when I felt her in her sadness, for every fallen tear and every moment of pain; she went through taking my name.
The first tear rolls down, and I smile through it; the broken mumble says it all.
“I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry.” I chant, kissing her scalp, weeping along her.
I don’t know how long it took, minutes, hours or mere seconds before I allow her to pull away from my embrace. And the first thing, she did was to wipe my tears away when her eyes were red and tired.
I kiss her little palms before leaning forward to kiss her forehead.
My gaze moves to the large frame in my room; Sahira’s warm face greets me with a smile; I cast her an apologetic look.
I’m sorry Sahira. I let you down.
I made my niece cry.
The child bobbles her head enthusiastically; I chuckle before taking her in my arms, I turn to leave; not before casting a glance in my room. Its same, like I left it!
“Oh goddess! They look so angelic!” I grin at Mrs. Mahri—yah’s excited squeal descending from the stairs; peeping on niece’s cheek who returns the favor.
“Very!” we both squeal and grin when they all cringe.
“How is grandma doing, Aunt Bambi?” I frown at Tiara’s words before meeting Jerry’s twinkling eyes who instantly pick up my dilemma mouths, Your mom!
Silently nodding at his help, I turn to Tiara, “She is fine, sweetie.”
“Can I meet her?” I almost melt in her doe like eyes before nodding with a large grin, “Yes, of course.”
“And Uncle Prince?”
I chuckle, her enthusiasm is palpable; taking a spoonful of curry in my mouth; I nod at her excitement, “Yes, in fact, he is eager to meet you too.”
“Really?” eyes widen, she stuffs rice in my mouth.
Wiping off the rice from her lips, I nod; the glee in her eyes can’t be compare to any treasure of world.
The dark wonder of night is enticing; alluring enough to just sit and keep looking at its twinkling beauty in wonder. Glancing at the wide sky from the window, my gaze slips to the child holding a deep place in my heart; who has my attention dotted on her but hers is on the dark night.
After a considerable amount of patience; I find myself unable to hold anymore. So, leaving my work of setting my belongings in drawer, I amble my way to my Little Bundle of Joy.
That frowning pout on her lost face, confirms my suspicion; something is bothering her!
She jerks upright, when I place my palm on her head, her actions bring a frown of my own, “Tiger, what happened?”
The child blinks a several times, like trying to wash off the daze of her thoughts before shaking her head, she looks away.
I’m surprised by her action; she never did that before; is something serious? But she was absolutely alright till dinner.
Thoughts pestering me as I continue to watch my niece staring out of the window, like she is searching something in dark.
My instincts kick in as I sweep my gaze through the darkness seeking any potential danger; frowning in process before settling back my gaze at her.
“Baby, is something wrong, you can share with Aunt Bambi.” I smile in encouragement but the girl answers me shaking her head.
Although, she hasn’t spoken, but her frowning forehead and distressed sighs are revealing a lot.
I let out a sigh, sinking on the plush sofa; my gaze follows her gaze, finding myself in my own reverie.
“In childhood, I used to tell Mumma everything, about my day, my school, friends, everything. It was easy, no secret, nothing to worry or fear about. Then, in 4th grade, I got a note from teacher, my notebook wasn’t complete. She asked me to get Mumma’s signature. I was scared, not because of the note but to receive Mumma’s scolding. So, I didn’t tell her. That day, I spent hiding from her because I couldn’t meet her gaze, I couldn’t lie…I was just hiding the truth, I thought, it was for the best.”
My eyes fall to my intertwined fingers resting on my lap, “That hiding continued, Mumma, I believe has an idea but never asked me, she trusted me but that secret piled up in my heart. I continue to become distant, it turned like a burden; bitterness and anger. Until one day, mom cornered me, she had my diary in her hand.”
“What she did?”
I look up, her doe like eyes staring at me. Expectant and curious to know more about my mistake, I smile, “Holding up the dairy, she asked me, if this is the reason of my bitter behaviour. I was devastated. But she wasn’t angry, she was disappointed. A small matter which could’ve been solved, but I let it turn huge.”
I shift my eyes toward the deep murk outside, “She didn’t scold me, Tiara. She knew I was embarrassed, so she asked me to promise, that I’d share my worries with her.”
Despite myself, a soft chuckle escapes me and I nod, “I did and I respect that promise, till now.”
The maze of mind replays the moments of tears and pain, when I collapsed in front of her, sharing my beautiful pain of love.
Then, my eyes drop on my Niece, the wonder in her eyes brighten the room, sighing softly, I hope now she’ll share her problem.
She takes a step ahead, and I smile, “Yes”
“Alpy is hurt.”
The mere whisper collides with the walls of my chest; piercing my guarded organ.
Instantly, I pull her to me, closing the distance; my wide eyes seeking her innocent ones, trying to decipher her meanings.
“Why did you come into his life and left?”
Stunned, her mumble seems nothing but sharp thorns. I look at her reeling into my stupefaction.
Her lips wobble and eyes turn misty in wetness, my heart tears when she looks down.
“Before you, he was fine but once you left, he was devastated.”
My grip on her loosens, Gideon!
She takes a step back, creating distance in between, and for unknown reasons I find it unbearable and dreadful.
Her eyes casting downward, words almost a defeated whisper yet so sharp it hits me straight.
Silence prevails and night peeks at us, my heart beating loudly or it has stopped functions, I can’t comprehend, but focus on the little girl in front of me. “Dada says, one shouldn’t make promises, that he can’t make. Why did you make promises which broke?”
A shudder escapes me, impatient I witness, her tear-stricken eyes lift, “You left when you said you’ll stay. Why Aunt Bambi?”
How can I explain her the rules set by nature;
Fate and destiny plan the play for human; which however one tries, can escape, can’t change!
The mighty fate put here, it was a coincidence,
I fell for a dream unattainable, it was another coincidence,
Destiny was set, abide by law of forever, staying here and fulfilling promises had pained us both.
Though, he wants me here, but I was—am nothing but a disaster for him; now, when I know my dream can never be reality, I find sorrow whenever I look behind.
Indeed, breaking promise was wrong, but worse would be turning blind to rules of fate!
Yes, he is my heal and I’ve been his change; yet the change is far painful and my heal has turned to be my fear.
“Tiger, some promises are needed to be broken, maybe destiny has better plans.”
“What can be better in pain and disappointment?” her innocent query somewhat startles me.
I heave out a sigh, wiping her tears cautiously, “Pain and Disappointment which ensures less damage in future.”
January 1, 2021
Happy New Year Surprise!
A treat for those who wanted Tiara and Aunt Bambi.
From next update, we’ll progress.
2020 had its teachings, its lessons which we learnt and now, 2021, new hopes, new energy and new goals; I pray, you achieve your goals, may confidence and luck bless your hard work.
Have a great and prosperous year ahead!
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. How was it, share your views.