2. The Peace of Glimpse
“One clear moment, one of trance
One missed step, one perfect dance
One missed shot, one and only chance
Life is all...but one fleeting glance.”
― Sanober Khan
Bright light and breeze, asking me to wake,
The comforter entangled hoping I’d stay,
All unaware, I’m neither asleep nor awake!
The sun is one, the shiny rays are always golden and sunny, then why the mornings here are so dull against those bright mornings. The breeze is fresh but I’m still not awake, not ready to leave my room, when I had felt the dire urge to leap off the bed and breathe into the breeze. How my own home—my solace is so blunt now, have I changed or changed is my place?
A lazy sigh slips me as I softly open my room’s door, glancing back at the disheveled bed of mine, I make a long face before leaving to check upon Kavya; last night, I nearly pushed her out of the room. It was harsh yet I wanted her to sleep peacefully which is now impossible beside me. Dragging my feet against the cold floor, my mind is waking up from a two-hour sleep; sometimes, I wonder if I can laugh or weep altogether at my misery.
The bright light peeking out from Prince’s room steals all my attention, and I frown, and without another thought, I find myself turning toward it, pushing the ajar door softly.
Is he awake but it’s too early?
Or perhaps, he had been up all night?
An upset sigh escapes me at the thought before my gaze falls at the awkwardly dozed off figure on the bed half hidden in scattered files, stationery and laptop.
And I’m called workaholic!
I grin quietly; unable to keep myself, I remove the files and laptop from him, covering him with the quilt.
The smart persona seems so innocent and cute in sleep, it takes me back to my protective self where I want to guard him against all odds, all the evil and sins of world but then, soon my heart negotiates; with years, he has become my guardian, my protection, now, he saves me from the odds and has turned himself as a shield of mine—ours.
Time passes really soon, or perhaps we get too caught up with our smiles and tears to see it passing on its own pace.
My Prince who was so innocent, fragile and ever smiling; his toothy grin and desperate efforts to wipe my tears while finding me smiles from his eyes has now turned into a man who is witty, smart and so strong that his mere presence makes the atmosphere alert and conscious, nervous to stutter.
Now, he doesn’t make efforts for my smile, but eliminate the cause of my sadness; where it was easy to weep in his presence, now, I hide my tears from him.
Indeed, time has changed, so are we but the bond of love we had has flourished and cherished and has same roots.
I was his shield, now, he is my sword.
My gaze unable to avert from his face as I ruffle his hair before he groans softly—cutely!
Just like Tiara!
And my hand stills turning cold against his warm skin, before I press it against my chest; closer to my upset heart.
My little bundle of joy!
My eyes yearn to see the bright shining eyes of my little niece, her dangling bouncing figure rushing toward me, as she giggles and her chubby cheeks turn pink in their own joy. Those moments of pure joy when we pair together just to frustrate brother Jerry before he joins us in our fun.
The soft caress of memories sooths my soul in smiles but burns my heart as blisters of pain prick inside.
Then I smile through teary eyes, hoping for their smile, to everyone’s happiness. Like I had been doing, mentioning them in my prayers.
Raising my head to the top of the edifice, a surge of positive vibes rushes into me, like an enchantment is spread over the surroundings; cutting it from the world and binding us into its surreal magic and I, with a wide smile, lower my head in pure submission.
The ambiance is quiet, so quiet that I can hear the soft hums resonating inside. Adjusting the scarf over my head, I follow Mumma, who has a scarf covering her head as she heads toward the foot cleaning pool—a small yet beautiful arrangement to wash feet before entering the main hall—Darbar Sahib, I follow; my feet dip, and I smile; soft flow of water underneath my feet is cool; people walking through the path of water to reach for prayers, a few children finding their way of play in the water before their parents dragging them toward the stairs.
The marble-flooring underneath feels cold with my wet feet, the serene view of purity has been defined magnificently; one can’t help but keep staring in marvel.
Stepping inside, the peace and calm of air engulfs me, the weight which has been burdening—pressing me to unbearable extent, releases, and leaves absolute lightness; the breeze greets me next, pure and scented in an ethereal aroma of piousness. The soft buzz of people, all in service of the power guiding the elements of life; taking command of our, taking hold of all our action, guiding through the path of fire and saving us from flames.
A group is reciting the Kirtan—holy verses at one corner but each word is loud and clear in all corners; its settling straight in soul.
Everything about this place is holy, even the dust has the blessing of almighty; just one tough can elevate its place to sacred.
A serene smile lingers on my lips as I adjust my scarf by one hand, tightening my hold on Prasad/offering Thaal/Plate; I step forward; the peace prevailing in the air and the vibes all asking me to surrender and that’s exactly I did.
Falling on my knees, I kowtow touching the pious floor with my head.
“Sapphire, pass me the Thaal.” My eyes unable to move from the decorated Takhat as I pass Mumma the plate of offering; they say when you search peace, it’s inside of you; your answers, all you know, it’s all takes to search them.
But how to find peace and solace to find answers, when we are so messed up; perhaps, that’s why almighty has built his presence; he resides in everyone but maybe, just to find him out in world, he has settled in different places under different names; Church, Temples, Mosque, Gurudwara, Home, Parents.
For the people trying to seek him; can feel his presence in these places, or maybe it’s the hope and faith in heart and purity of soul, is all it takes to feel his presence.
I don’t know, whether it’s the hope, desperation or faith of mine, that I can feel his presence near me, patting my head softly, assuring me to open up and ask the dilemmas of heart, as he is hearing me, protecting me and will answer me.
Joining my hands in front of me, I close my eyes; allowing the vibes of positivity to seep into me, inhaling the air of faith.
Babaji, since childhood, I was taught its human who makes and ruins his own destiny; fate is nothing but the deeds of man which answer to him on the will of time; when you know the distinct line of right and wrong; you must follow what’s right. But then this right—why does it feels wrong; like following the path of correct has been wrong all along.
I know heart has impish desires; it hurts and with I, hurt are those who love me. I’m the reason many are upset.
I thought it might resolve with time; but like a line on stone, unchanged, forever has been ingrained in my memory.
When nothing is mine, why I wish for it to be; if that’s a sin, why it feels I might die.
Babaji, please show me the path of recovery, show me the salvation; help me seek my destiny. And keep him happy.
I know, he can’t be mine, but send him the happiness of life…bless him for his kindness and courage! And the love he has in his kind heart.
Despite efforts of eyes; tears built up; through the tight shut lids, one slips, falling away from I can reach. And I let it slip, since nothing is hidden—nor can I hide from him.
They say the smiles are all fake, the true are tears, they can’t lie and those in your presence, Almighty, are never untrue.
Reluctantly, I open my eyes, as another follow the line on cheek; to my eyes, the Holy book was in front, like a soul has been smiling at me. My lips curve into a small smile; lightness seeps into my veins, as I’ve shared my grief and dilemmas with him, so have I asked for Miracle’s happiness.
Solace wrapped in the blanket of peace, I feel has been enfolded on me; I bow once again; taking his name, praying for his sign of guidance and as I raise my head.
Flabbergast, in midst of positive buzz, heart shudders and still, surroundings still; just I, the Holy presence of Guru Granth Sahib are here; and he stands, just behind Babaji; like an answer to my prayers.
He is here!
Wide eyes, a surprised gasp escapes me; the weight of tears is heavy, my eyes droop, letting tears to fall and empty my eyes to hold surprise, but then, one blink it took, my sin, I did and he is gone!
He is gone!
But he was here!
There are moments in life, where you feel life is a lie, reality is a betrayal, and there is only way to survive which is nothing but to lose sanity in fiction.
That’s how I might conclude the dilemma of my mind.
Just a glimpse…!
That’s all it took, for me to lose all my resolves, my sanity of all the times. I lost to my desire in tears; I lost the willpower which had been my straw in drowning sea.
He was there, then he was not.
In a blink, he was gone.
I wonder if it was real, or my mind was playing tricks with my thirsty mind seeking him everywhere. Sane thoughts scream, it’s just a play, why would the King come for the forgotten maiden, who left to never look back; but then, a whisper comes from soul, it sears sanity, denies it with hope.
The incident left me in desperate tears as I rush to chase him through my gaze; until Mumma took a hold of my hand; wiping my tears, she hid me in her chest and I gulp down the bitterness of my own, calming down; I bow down to Babaji, for giving me a moment to savour his presence. My mother kept asking me, but I stayed mute, giving her false words would be futile, so I stayed quiet, until Kavya dug me out from my sulking lost self.
A sigh escapes me; the curious eyes of my turtles blinking at me through their small artificial caves in tank as I keep holding their gaze with a smile before I turn back to my diary.
The blank pages awaiting to turn stained, in my pain and smudge in my tears but then I shake my head.
Today isn’t a sad day! Today, I met him, he came and my blessings come true.
The memory of that glimpse kisses my lips and a smile bloom.
Picking the pen with that glowing smile, I write a part of my heart:
The delight of meeting from that pouring day suppresses all the joy of life,
Moments of hopeful love,
The meeting is like a blissful dream,
Parting, the sight of lonely roads is unbearable,
But, if one’s love is true and lasting,
Why where is a need to be together?
The wide screen of sky looks ethereal in its celestial beauty; with one look reminds the fascinated onlooker; it’s untouchable; unreachable.
The silver glow of stars spreading like glitters splashed aimlessly; I wonder if one falls, can sky make any difference; after all there are so many.
In the magnanimous glow, absence of one shouldn’t be felt.
“You miss them.” Kavya states rather asking, I look out at starless sky, all it takes one whisper and pain along with longing comes back to haunt from dark, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to overcome this shooting pain.
Instead I look away, holding back tears have been a tough task near my friend.
“Once, just once she said and you left. You had a long stay; it wasn’t a big deal to stay for a few more days.”
I want to smile, desperately, how easily she said, how shall I tell her what the words from Princess A V means.
“I had to come back anyway, a day or two doesn’t matter.” She scoffs, unable to believe my pathetic statement, it was bitter pathetic even for me.
“It does, it did because you haven’t been yourself since then.” Her words hit like sandbag, sharp and accurate.
“Despite the infatuation for the place or people, I had to leave someday Kavya; I didn’t belong there. It was sooner, yes, but better. Perhaps, it’d be tough after—”
“—After you know your feelings.”
I look down at my palms, in the soft lights, I trace the lines of my destiny, I do it often; trying to understand what has been planned for me, what else will surprise.
“You regret leaving without his permission.”
I shake my head, “I regret nothing, Kavya.”
My friend presents a smile, “The eccentric definition of feelings is, the more you try to suppress them, the stronger they emerge.” Her warm gaze smirks facing me, “The more you deny, the stronger they become.”
Unable to look at her conquering face, I look away.
“It’s not regret, Kavya.”
Nothing is regrettable for me; especially my feelings.
Her head nods in soft understanding, “Yes, it’s something deeper.”
Silence prevails with occasionally humming of night crickets hidden in plants, no words are needed to pronounce, my friend has learnt this quality to read my silence, my pain and tears along with sharing my uncertain moments of joy. Since, we were small, I’ve come to entrust my heart to her beside Prince, and she has earned it.
I keep my gaze the dark sky; hoping murk covers me and my heart; so, the enlightened feelings won’t sear me.
The warm glimpses of past nestle in my chest, cherishing me with nothing but sweetness; the heaviness stays yet I smile in contentment, “Every moment spent there, every peril I faced, all were a bliss; because he had me saved. Yes, it was a blessing to be near him.”
I look back at my friend, “The story had her ups and downs, the peace and chaos, bliss and beauty; but it had to end, because the maiden can’t cultivate such desires which aren’t hers to weave.”
They are sin to consider for someone who has a forever of his own destined for his eternity.
A woeful sigh escapes her, she looks away; reflection of my pain, I can see right in her gaze.
“The maiden left after saying her goodbye, breaking both their hearts; but you didn’t give this moment to him. Why?”
Because I couldn’t—just couldn’t bear—
The dangling branches of marigold gains my attention; like trying to believe my heart; the flame of hope that I’ve lit up inside my chest.
Instead, I shrug, “If we are meant to meet again, if there is going to any meet, that destiny has planned, I had to leave. To save us both for that meet, I wanted to stay hopeful, and wait than broken and hopeless.”
The stones beneath us entice me, I let silence rule, hoping Kavya to understand me.
I afford a smile, as words make their way from heart, my hopeful heart.
“If we are intended to meet again, we will, if not, then with time, I might forget him, as mere a beautiful snowflake melted in my palm.”
“And are you forgetting him?”
I still at her query, her softly spoken words, hit me hard.
Despite myself, I smile, a broken one, “If I can’t, now, it doesn’t mean I can never. It’s a matter of time Kavya. I suppose.”
“Then why I feel it’s going to be a long time, a very long time.” she says looking upset and dejected all of a sudden.
I afford a smile before turning to her, my hand found his soft one, and give a tight squeeze.
“I await that meet which I wish, for the final goodbyes.”
August 23, 2020
If one glimpse is so ethereal, can one imagine when they’ll see each other?
The description of Gurudwara, I’ve tried to bring the feel. I hope I could do justice, because the place has an ethereal magic and I believe, it’s far from describable but more on feeling.
If there are mistakes, I'd like to apologize sincerely, since I have written it with the knowledge, I had, and some help from different sources.
That’s my view on Gurudwara and all the Sacred places, I mentioned: peaceful, calm and a place where Almighty sits beside us as we share our worries and he solve ait all with a serene smile. Purity, sacred and positivity, one can feel there.
Too much emotions; now, let’s get back to work, Niera.
Who you want to me in next chapter, of course after Gideon?
I hope you enjoyed the chapter; would love to hear you.