Chapter 1
What we get and what we deserve are never in balance; the universe does not seem to care much about fairness, she thought as she sat on top of the roof.
Tonight, even the wind seemed to flee from winter’s crusted face. She’d waited for the rustling leaves to lull the house to sleep before sneaking outside; body moving with feline like grace as she scaled the wall, not needing to see the footholds scuffed into her memory from use.
The sky was unnervingly clear tonight, for which must have been the first time in a fortnight. She leaned her back against the slope of the roof, savoring the familiarity of the tiles digging into her fleece lined coat, as she looked up at the stars...and set herself free.
It felt like the stars were singing a million different songs to her, as if they too were celebrating her return. They spoke to her in a language her mind could never understand, but one her soul somehow remembered. She grinned at them in answer...the type of grin she’d only ever let the heavens see – a fierce gesture, laced with defiance; intertwined with the brazen fire forever burning inside of her. She could’ve sworn the heavens glowed brighter at the sight.
Contentment flowed through her, trying to cover up the parts it knew always broke at the sight of the many iridescent clusters pulsing above.
That thing seemed to always crack inside her chest on nights like this; as she would lose the heavily guarded walls, she’d spent the day building around herself, to the stars. Maybe it was the way she felt at home when staring at their many faces, the way they seemed to bow to her unholy presence; or how she could see her destiny more clearly written in their starry paths, and the way it always seemed to tug at her soul just a little harder. Maybe it was the way in which the stars reached out to her with millions of invisible hands, freeing her from the heavy viscous chains the day had so mercilessly coiled around her; or the way they would revel at the sight of the otherworldly wings that flared from her back as those chains finally clattered to the ground; or the dragon like claws that would slide from her fingers, as the familiar weight of life disappeared from her shoulders...she could always sense that was their favourite part – as if they roistered at the sight of their long lost queen.
Her thoughts were no longer screaming, instead, they were soothed into whispers gently twirling through her mind. That was another mercy the stars’presence always gave her - the power to stop the raging cacophony between her analytical mind and her passionate soul; to ease the endless war between what she knew, what she felt, and what she had to do.
A hint of a smile tugged on her lips, as her thoughts began playing with words; creating new metaphors, similes, merged with the many things she kept locked up deep down. She loved writing, fiddling with letters until they formed another type of wall around her; sentences always leaving traces that led to those parts of herself her words were so meticulously crafted to mask.
A caged world separates two souls, but people linked by destiny will always find each other. Her hand absently drifted to the small symbol around her neck as her thumb stroked its edges out of habit. Her lips began to wobble, I love you...she mouthed to a face only she could see in the stars, praying that - although he was somewhere asleep - her words would find a way to warm his heart.
A few tears slid down the sides of her face – another part of herself she worked hard to only ever let the stars see.
Her thoughts started roiling again, spilling over - I can’t remember what his lips feel like...their warmth, or the faint slickness in between. She tried to remember his touch, but only found a few ghostly tendrils of the fading memory instead; his smell...She was frantically trying to recall the scent that'd overrode her senses so many times before, the aroma that used to call to something within...her fists only clenched in frustration.
She wanted to scream at the world, at the universe, at the heavens; wanted to rage against whatever fate had decided that she had to lose him. Those tears stung again, and she sighed heavily at the vacant thing now aching inside her chest.
Without a warning, regret started screeching in her head, its claws scraping down her thick walls of adamant. She cursed her own pride, as it broke through and spread through her train of thought like a poisonous weed.
I wish I’d opened my mouth and said I loved him more often, wish I was bolder and kissed him whenever I had the chance; I wish I could watch his golden heart bloom again, wish I could just live in the moments I once longed for, instead of always worrying about the next; I wish I was better...for he deserved so much better...She shook her head angrily at that last thought, willing her brain to dismiss it, but some part of her just smiled sadly at that truth.
She took a shuddering breath, feeling the stars encourage her to keep it together for a little while longer. That’s why she came up here every night - to keep herself together...to find the strength to fight on...to save herself.
Another pure expression bloomed across her face, as she imagined: A snow capped mountain with a tiny cabin on it’s crest; two horses neighing in the stables, the sound of his voice warming something inside of her; the splash of water in a too spacious bath, his laughter rumbling in her chest. A small Irish terrier rapped in a ridiculously large bow, his surprised gasp that follows. An unfamiliar weight on her finger, the malicious expression on his face when he finds a lacy under thing in her shopping bag, the booming laughter and explosive night that follows. Her knuckles bloodied from spending the night pounding the ground, throat raspy from screaming, his hands engulfing her, silently scooping her onto his horse; his body pressed against hers, a stark reminder that she was no longer alone. Sparring in the ring with him, her eyes on fire as they trained, the surprise flashing across his face as she finally landed a blow. Nights under the stars, hand in his, wiping tears from his cheeks; muttering that everything would somehow be okay, whispering all the promises her heart had silently made to his over the years; standing on a battlefield, slaughtering all the things that dared harm his golden soul. Their hands fiercely cleaving a future, forging a destiny, building a dream...a new world...together.
Her throat was dry, and her chest heavy. She didn’t know when she started crying again, but some part of her could faintly hear the stars shifting closer...could feel their soothing warmth wrapping tightly around her heart; telling her they wouldn’t dare shame her for showing them her tears, for letting them read the revenant stories their paths cleaved down her face.
She could’ve sworn they commanded the wind, as a brisk breeze started to gently stroke her face.
Her throat bobbed. “I love you, and deep down, I know I always will.”, she said to his face in the stars. She stared at the twinkling clusters, realising the sun was slowly starting to chase them away – she hated it for that.
And now I know...my heart could never be someone else’s entirely...because it is forever yours, she added silently.
She swallowed hard, admitting what she’d just had the courage to finally admit to herself...and the many things, promises and feelings those words dragged with them.
Clutching her chest, she repeated those three words to a soul so very...very far away. She loosened a breath she didn’t realise she was holding, and somewhere deep within - another few things clicked loose.
She climbed down the roof, looking over her shoulder one last time at the now disappearing stars, before stalking back to her room.
She could hear the stars spur her onwards, reminding her soul of the power she so often forgot was lurking there. She could do this - I can get through one more day...I can hold on, one more day...I can overcome, one more day...I can fight - one more day.
She plunged into bed, tugging the fur lined covers around her. She thought of everything she’d just worked through and confessed under the stars. It all flashed through her again...frame by frame, dream by dream, tear by tear.
Slowly her eyes drooped shut, a familiar silhouette stuck in her mind...as exhaustion finally claimed her.
