The Architect's Essence, The Diary of Sunrise

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A word of warning about onions:

You may have noticed that the prior newspaper article states that Taboo had been attempting to knock an onion from a tabletop with his armpit flatulence and I feel it prudent to advice you all to not attempt this activity at home. Taboo’s recklessness is not to be repeated. Onions are not toys and handling them in a frivolous, carefree way is comparable in danger to clutching a lit firework or using lavatory paper. It is a dangerous and reckless game which could result in lasting injury or deep psychological scarring.

Onions are the bulb of the onion plant, Allium cepa, and I am told that they provide quite a tasty flavour when added to soups, stews and pies. I am also of the understanding that they are particularly delicious when served with cheese or liver. They are not however the easiest of vegetables to prepare as they possess a unique and effective defence mechanism which they unleash when faced with a chef’s paring knife. They do not simply lie on the chopping board and accept their fate as a potato or leak does, they fight back and are capable of exuding a mystical vapour which sears the eyes of their attackers, causing them pain and temporary blindness.

Blancmange has given me permission to include the following cautionary tale, hoping that his past trauma will help to promote onion safety and reduce the number of onion-based injuries throughout the Known Expanse.

Whilst preparing an afternoon meal, Blancmange once encountered a particularly defiant and powerful onion which he had faced alone in his kitchen, armed only with a paring knife and a meat tenderiser. He claims that whilst preparing the onion its vapor had been so potent that it had manage to penetrate his goggles. He has likened the ocular pain it caused him to be something akin to, and I quote, ‘Having molten lava poured into your eye sockets.’

Blinded, Blancmange had crawled from his kitchen and had passed out in the corridor, one short but distressing message written on his chalk board; My eyes! It’s melted my eyes!

Luckily Skull had soon happened across Blancmange and had summoned Dr Phlegm.

Upon regaining consciousness Blancmange had relayed his tale of the treacherous onion to Skull and Skull had vowed revenge upon the offending vegetable, swearing that he would defeat it and rid Mount Bedlam of it forever. In preparation he had wrapped his head in several wet tea towels to help block the onions acrid vapours and he had entered the kitchens swinging Blancmange’s heaviest rolling pin. Unfortunately, the tea towels had completely obscured his vision and most of the tableware was smashed during the confrontation. Eventually however, the onion had been defeated, sautéed and served in a casserole.

Blancmange’s ordeal with the onion had caused him to lose his confidence with vegetable preparation and for some time afterwards he had found himself unable to stand being alone with any type of vegetable be it root, greens or otherwise. He now wears a second pair of goggles to give him better protection whilst chopping onions and he’s also developed a paranoia about them, convinced that they are plotting against him, possibly planning to revolt and take over the kitchens.

He did once attempt to completely remove onions from the canteen menu but he found that they had already infiltrated most of his recipes and he’d had to admit that they were a necessary evil. To this day he will not store more than one onion in any given place for fear that they will conspire against him and he has commissioned a special cabinet from Sawdust which consists of twenty-four ten-by-ten-inch cells complete with lockable doors in which he incarcerates the onions in solitary confinement to prevent their conspiracy.

He also now has a sign hanging above his chopping board which reminds him never to let his guard down whilst in the presence of an onion. It reads:

Always Remember

Onions have layers, each one darker than the last.

Peel them away and find a heart of pure evil at their core.

I believe this message should be known to all and that we should take heed of this warning lest an onion should ever darken our chopping boards.


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