BLANCMANGE’S JAM AND BANANA PIE
Serves 66 Orderlies, 4 humans or 2 framed portraits.
(Please note that due to its high jam content, this pie is prone to developing a soggy bottom and should be consumed within 2 days of baking, if not sooner. Blancmange advises the use of ripe, elderly bananas for this dish as they provide it with a much stronger flavour and a smoother texture. As is also exhibited by many humanoid races, elderly bananas can be identified and singled out by the appearance of dark age spots which mar their yellow hide. Another good tip for identifying a well ripened banana is to listen to it as it is peeled; juvenile bananas peel audibly whereas the skin of a ripe banana can be removed silently.)
·225g/8oz plain flour plus extra for dusting
·110g/4oz unsalted butter
·5 ripe bananas (peeled)
·450g/1lb seedless raspberry or zangle jam
Ignite your oven and heat to a temperature of 400°F (Smoke or another suitable pyromaniac may enjoy undertaking this task.) Grease a 20cm/8-inch ovenproof pie dish with butter. (I would like to clarify that I intend you to smear butter around the interior of your chosen pie dish NOT have Butter present whilst the tin is greased. Butter should be banished from the kitchen during the preparation of this dish as discarded banana skins do not agree with her.) Sift the flour into a large bowl and rub in the butter until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs. Add water and mix with fingertips until the concoction becomes sticky and viscous and a firm dough is formed. Wrap your freshly created dough in a moist tea towel and allow it to rest for 30 minutes, (it will need its strength for the ordeal ahead of it.) Dust your work surface with flour to prevent your pastry adhering to it in protest whilst you engage it with your rolling pin. Place the unsuspecting dough at the centre of the floured area and mercilessly set about it with a good quality rolling pin, evenly flattening it until it is quite defeated and of a thickness of roughly 5mm ¼ inch.
Use the flattened sheet of pastry to line the interior of your pie dish and trim the excess from the rim using a sharp knife. Using a spoon, evenly spread one-third of the jam over the base of your pie case. (You may wish to have a small child present to suck the excess jam from the spoon after the pie’s completion.) Next, cease two of your bananas and, maintaining a firm grip upon them, carefully peel away their skin, being ever mindful of slimy areas of bruising which may be quite slippery beneath your fingers. Next, the bananas should be sliced lengthways, (I find I can slice a banana into 5 equal slices.)
The banana slices should then be laid atop the jam at the base of your pastry case, ensuring they are evenly spread. More jam should then be spread upon the bananas and, utilising your remaining fruits, another layer of banana slices. After a final layer of jam, the remaining pastry should be reformed into a ball and should once again be set about with the rolling pin, flattening it into a sheet large enough to cover the top of your pie. In order to effectively adhere it, brush the edge of your pie with milk or water before applying your lid. Trim the excess pastry from your pie and, using a fork, crimp the edge of the pie, (please note that crimping is for purely aesthetic purposes and will have no bearing upon the taste, texture or longevity of the completed pie.)
A crucial step in the creation of this pie is the inclusion of 4 holes in the pastry lid to vent steam during baking. The steam vents should be crated in a symmetrical arrangement at the centre of the pie, cut into the lid using a sharp knife. (Failure to create these steam vents could lead to excessive jam leakage and potential pie explosion, mishaps which are both harrowing and detrimental to the quality and enjoyment of the completed pie. The pie should be placed in the bowels of your preheated oven and baked for 30 minutes until golden brown. Leave to cool and enjoy.
This pie should be eaten with a spoon and is quite delectable when served with iced cream or a generous dollop of blue custard.
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