Chapter 26: Seraphic Lust
“Who the hell is at my window?!” I yell out in the dark. I flip the switch down to darken the room so that I am able to see whoever this is clearly.
The person raises their hands, “It’s just me, Xander!”
What the? Why come through the-
Gosh, never even mind.
My heart rate slows down.
“Is that a gun?”
I hear my bed sinks with Xander’s weight.
“You were really going to shoot me back there?” He asks with a light chuckle.
I close the window and snatch the drapes over them. I don’t need anymore uninvited guests tonight. Especially with the shit I’m dealing with right now.
“If I had to.” I answer turning to face him.
In my room.
I never thought I would see the day this would come about. It’s making me feel a little uncomfortable. I unstrap my thigh holster from my leg and place it and the gun on my dresser.
“Wow, I guess I wasn’t expecting that.” He pauses, “What’s with the dress and the gun, did you go to a costume party without me?”
Let’s just lie to get this over with....
Okay don’t lie! Enough lying...
“I had to meet somebody.” I say fiddling with the palms of my hands remembering Ezra’s incoherent stares into my heart.
“In that dress?” He asks, “Must have been someone important.”
Important doesn’t even cover half of it, “You can say that.”
My body is telling me to stay across the room and as far away from him as possible.
So is my mind, so I will not argue with them, whatsoever.
Xander smiles, then looks down at his hands, “Well I guess I, um, I came to apologize about being pushy and I realize now that I overstepped my boundaries in a major way.”
Huh, it’s funny with everything going on I nearly forgot about our mini-argument. It’s quite mature of him to just up and say it. The Xander that I used to know was never a fan of apologizing. He could be totally in the wrong and still refuse to admit to it. But I guess as time goes on people actually do change.
I breathe and look up at my white ceiling. “It was stupid anyway, nothing a simple text message couldn’t have solved,” I am looking everywhere around my room but to his eyes. The fact that he is in my room is still making me sweat all over.
“Saphyre.” He says.
My eyes drift back to my hands. My throat is clogging, pretending that I didn’t hear him is not working at all.
The bed shifts, “Saphyre.” His voice drops.
“What.” I say finally looking at him. Which is by far the dumbest thing that I could have ever done. He’s staring at me.
Really staring at me.
His fists are closed within each other and his elbows resting on his legs, “Come here.”
This catches me off guard, I can hear the slow beats of my heart. “I don’t want to.”
He smirks, raising an eyebrow, “I asked nicely, besides, you held me at gunpoint, so you owe it to me to simply just sit.”
Point heard. What I don’t understand is how he can be so abrupt and comfortable with such demands. From his eye view I must look a nervous wreck. I slowly make one step.
And then another.
My eyes are still on my bare feet, inching closer to the dipping mattress bunched up under Xander’s weight.
And very soon mine.
“Now, was that so hard?” He asks making my heart skip all the beats after them.
I swallow, “Yes, it actually was.”
This makes him chuckle, like a kid would at a spider after smashing it, “You know, Saphyre, you are the only one that makes socializing super awkward, you don’t always have to be so antisocial.”
My eyes roll to my legs, that are quite close to his, maybe I should move over a little, “I don’t choose to be this way, n-not all the time,”
“Hey,” He pulls my chin to face him, “You know if there is anything you need to talk to me about, or tell me...”
He smells so good, like winter breeze and soap, my eyes automatically lower.
“You can say it, I won’t prod.” He softens his grip.
I look away, breaking from his touch, the skin to skin contact gives me the worst thoughts, “I’m okay, really.”
He makes a noise, “I mean based on the way you approached me at the window, your new fashion additions and dangerous use of weapons doesn’t really send okay vibes to me.”
My chest is tightening again. I cannot tell him anything.
The less he knows, the better
Gia, of course, is a different story. Number one, she’s my best friend and quite naturally I tell her everything even the most embarrassing of things. Number two, she didn’t confess unspeakable things to me in a parking lot at a Chinese buffet. She also isn’t Xander.
“I can’t - I mean you don’t have to worry about me.” I stare at the door of my room, thinking of a good excuse I can make to escape this very uncomfortable space.
His hand presses on a spot of the bed, “Saphyre-”
“You said you wouldn’t prod.” That slipped, I wasn’t supposed to verbally show that I was annoyed.
He shifts next to me, “I am not trying to but I know that you and Gia are hiding something from me and-”
“I. Said. No!” I confirm turning to him, his eyes take an apologetic form; low and sorrowful. I have cried too much in 3 days. This conversation isn’t exactly holding back any of the tears that can possibly fall. Again and again and over again. “It will only make things worse.” I shouldn’t have said another word, because now I’m crying again.
God, am I really crying again....
Without any words Xander takes me in his arms, holding me close to his warmth.
I am so hopeless.
An absolute mess of a chick. How can I save anyone with the emotional wreck that I already am?
“It’s alright, just let it out.” His hand moves to my hair, stroking it softly but with a caring force. One to my back. The tears are falling in shivers, as if I accidentally left a window open for the winter winds to make themselves welcome in my room. I grip his white T shirt in agony. I feel like if he lets me go even a little bit, that I’ll just break like an unsteady vase teetering the edge of a tall surface.
His head rests on mine, “You sure that you don’t have anything to tell me?”
So persistent, this boy.
A laugh escapes from my throat. How ironic, just minutes ago I didn’t want to be within ten feet of him. Now I’m leaving wet tear marks all over his T. My hands move to his chest to lightly push away from him. He takes my face in his hands and thumbs my tear smears from my cheeks. All this with a sweet and low smile.
A chuckle of relief comes from my chest, “I am a mess.”
His hand moves from my face to my hair, “I’ve seen worse,” His eyes are all over my face, “You feel better?”
I nod and as I do his other hand moves to my cheek.
Our eyes meet and my stomach caves.
If I have nothing more to tell him, and he has already apologized about the argument, why hasn’t he left?
God, I can be such an idiot.
Xander didn’t come over for any of that. If it were that simple he would have simply rang the doorbell. Instead he decided to sneak to my window. He knew no one was here...
“Saph, I wanted to talk to you about some-”
“Why did you come, Xander?” I ask, not realizing this entire moment my right hand was on his leg.
He smiles, “To finish where we left off,” His hand moves from my hair to my back, “Before Gia rudely interrupted us.”
“Rudely interrupted you, rather?” This makes a smile appear on my face as well. A very nervous one.
He grips my waist, “Does it matter?” He doesn’t even speak. He’s breathing. And it is driving me crazy. Not his words alone but the longing behind those brown eyes of his.
Beyond mine, maybe?
Of what could be, yet, what isn’t. Or what we have always wanted but ran away from.
His eyes move to my mouth. So I kindly grant his wish. Quickly, with hunger and thirst. Not for anything but what it’s like to taste his full lips. To feel his hands really tell me how he feels. Truly.
What we want, to put it simply.
He pulls me closer, careful not to break the kiss. His taste is quite plain, to be honest, but, mixed with mine, is like warm honey. Such soft, comforting lips.
This is really what he came for.
I can tell by the way his hands are trailing up and down my leg.
I sigh into his mouth, pushing my hands into his shirt. That was dumb. I almost fall away at the feeling. I wonder if he can tell that I have never done this before. Why did I wait so long, anyway? He breaks away from my mouth with an edgy growl, trailing his lips from my bottom lip, to my chin, to my neck. I arch it a little, mouth still agape at the unbelievable sensation of his lips on my skin. If it weren’t for his left hand on the small of my back I would have fallen over a long time ago.
“Why,” He speaks in between kisses, “Why did you make me wait,” He breathes, but nothing has ever sounded more delightful.
No one has ever touched me like this before. It’s like I belong to him. That everything about me, everything of mine, was his to begin with.
It falls from my lips before his covers them, this time, with much more desire. We break away for air then come back together in between ragged breaths of lust.
Just take the dress...
I lean us into my pillows propped against the headboard of my bed, as I place myself onto his lap.
Too much is keeping me away from him.
A sensational chuckle escapes his lips as he moves his hands back into the warmth of my dress.
No no no no no no ....
But everything feels so good. It’s a rush of high you get when you take your first hit of any kind of drug. Only much better. So, so much better.
“Saphyre,” This comes out as a whisper, he holds my face away from his, “I don’t know if this is really what you want.”
My eyes are so heavy, “How do you know what I want?” I sit further onto his lap, my dress rises over my waist unable to possibly stay over my legs in such a position. I trace the muscles of his neck with my lips.
He pulls away from me, “I mean I want you in ways that I don’t think you are ready for.” I look into his eyes, which then lower, “I know you can tell.”
I blush harder than I ever have. He’s right. This is the very first time I have ever seen a man this way. The first time that I have ever touched anyone like this.
I’m a virgin.
And Xander, by the looks of things, definitely isn’t. He’s very gentle but....maybe I’m not ready for that sort of thing yet. If I was I sure as hell wouldn’t be mulling it over. My head presses to his chest.
I can hear his soft heart racing, quite naturally.
This is so selfish of me.
It’s wrong to get someone so fired up just to leave them on the edge of what could have been. All over fear of uncertainty. Of the uncertainty of my feelings for him and not of him. His arms wrap around me.
“It’s okay, Saphyre, I will always wait for you,” He kisses the top of my head, “don’t you know that by now?”
I can still feel his heart beating, it makes me press my hand to his stomach, “Yes.”
And I have to say, I’ve never felt so unsure of anything in my entire life.