“My heart is feeling something new
Each beat is longing for the truth
I feel the wind beneath my feet
Call on the waves to carry me...”
Just like many times before, I packed the last of my clothing into a suitcase and closed the lid. For me, this move was nothing different from the last one. And there were many, so many that I lost count. With a heavy breath, I swallowed a lump of despair that lodged in my throat since I woke up and I sat down at the edge of the bed.
From the white walls to the frameless mirror across from me, my room was a shell of nothing. Funny, but that was just the same way I felt right now. I was empty. Hollow inside. There was no emotion in me, other than sadness. I felt like I was disconnected from the real world since the revelation mom shared with me not so long ago. A revelation that marked me for good. Made me some kind of monster.
All that I knew about myself was a lie that shattered into pieces. Pieces that I would never be able to collect.
I was damaged. Badly. Irreparable.
I closed my eyes for a few heartbeats, attempting to clear my head. I knew that I would never see this place again.
Like always this particular move wasn’t my choice, my mom was the one who made that decision just a few days ago. And today, unfortunately, was moving day.
I had to leave, but I didn’t want to, there was still too much of him left behind. I wasn’t sure if I could move on just yet.
Aric was my first love. My first everything. But he was gone now, just like almost every person that I loved. Death cruelly took him away from me like a thief and never brought him back. Even weeks after that terrible accident, I still felt the never-ending, bottomless sorrow. Dark and cold sorrow soaked my soul.
To this day, nothing changed for the better. I still couldn’t fight against those horrific flashbacks that threatened to suffocate me in a flood of saddened emotions. I felt as if I was trapped in a nightmare I couldn’t escape, no matter how hard I tried.
Everyone died that night, including my best friend, Nikki, and her boyfriend Marcus, who was one of Aric’s friends. The one who acted like a complete jerk most of the time. But he didn’t have to die that night. No one had to.
The thing was, I didn’t like Marcus, didn’t trust him, but still, I never wanted something bad to happen to him. He just irritated me terribly, and back then I had no other choice than to grow accustomed to his presence.
For some strange reason, Marcus and I never string along. There was no way we could bridge the gap that existed between the two of us. I was even a bit scared of him at times, though I wasn’t sure why. Yes, he was Nikki’s boyfriend, but there was something about him that told me just to beware. At times, he annoyed me to the point of rage. It seemed like it amused him to irritate me. And now, I missed even that.
My memories were shadowy and dim after the crash. I could remember the accident, but for some reason, I couldn’t remember getting out of the car. There was now a blurry hole in my mind. Mom said that I was in a coma for days. Nobody was sure if I would survive, but I did. The doctors called it a miracle, but I wouldn’t call it that. It was eternal damnation every single day.
I felt like someone had ripped open my heart and crushed it, leaving me to slowly bleed and eventually die. But unfortunately for me, I couldn’t die. Even though, I wanted to.
Somehow, I survived the crash, but I was dead, inside and out. It hit me harder than anything I had ever felt, like a thousand deaths.
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