Going Home (Going Home#1)

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Cyril: Her letter

It threw me off when this girl, Jade, called me in the evening and mentioned Adria. Only I know the real name that her mother used to call her with but not in front of Dawson. That's why I came to get this girl immediately.

She is a few years younger than I am and is pretty cute. She keeps twitching her fingers as I drive to Zoe’s, probably nervous.

“Can you tell me what really happened back there?” I ask her after a while as I hit the brakes at the red traffic light.

“I don’t know. Everything back in my hometown is insane and... I don’t know.” She adds with a whisper and looks down. I glance at her and concentrate back on the road. I don’t want to appear the type of guy who pushes someone as nervous and worried as her for something he needs to calm himself. I can wait.

“I think she misses you,” Jade says softly, and my hands tighten around the steering wheel. If Jia missed me, she would’ve been here instead of this girl.

Despite myself, I burst out laughing, the sound bitter even to my own ears. Who is Jade trying to console?

“What... are you... I’m sorry.” She stammers and looks outside the window. I stop myself right then, I've kept my feelings bottled up for a year, and this isn't the time to let them loose. I should be thankful that she made some contact in over a year, and I’m glad to know that she remembers me and is alive.

“How was she?” I ask. Jade stays quiet for a long time, and before I can ask something else, she says softly;
“Ok, I guess.”

“Just ok?” I raise my eyebrow and throw her a glance.

“I guess? She doesn’t say much.” There it is, the twitching of the fingers again.

“Was she happy? I mean, did she find someone?” I ask and swallow. Am I really ready to know if she has moved on without me?

“Not really. She's pretty famous back in my hometown, and she's treated like others...not in a good way though she hasn’t done anything wrong.”

I hit the brakes pretty hard then and curse under my breath. She is going through hell once again, but this time she's alone.

“I’m sorry!” Jade blurts out, and I raise my hand to make her stop.

“Don’t be.” I look over at her scared face, stifling the urge to tell her to stop saying the words.

She has amazing deep-set honey-colored eyes, but my mind goes back to those violet eyes. Jade has dark brown curly hair, and right now, they are coming out of her shoulder-length ponytail from all the traveling. She stares at me and chews on her lower lip.

“Look, the thing is that I'd been with Adria for about six years, and then she suddenly disappeared. I thought I’d lost her, and now suddenly, she sent you over to me. If you see it from my point of view, it's tough for me. I'm trying...to understand you and why she sent you over.”

“I understand. I can't blame you for trying to make sense of this because everything Adria does is senseless. She's an amazing girl, believe me, but the things she does, the way she closes herself up.” She sighs and looks away.

I look over at her for a moment before turning my attention back on the road as I start the car again, “So, you got to know her too?”

“Yeah... A little.”

I park the car in a café’s parking lot and close my eyes. I need to read the letter. I have been trying to ignore it, but I can’t do it anymore. It'd take an hour or more to reach Zoe's, and I'm sure I won't be able to resist the paper folded in my jacket's pocket.

“Why are we stopping?"

"I want to read her letter, make sense of all this before I drop you off at Zoe's."

Taking out the letter from my jacket, I step out of the car to read it outside. I sit down on the car’s bumper and read it in the parking lot’s lights.

It definitely is her handwriting. I can recognize this handwriting anywhere. Any doubts I had about Jade, they vanish away.

Dear C,

I bet you're still mad at me, and I know it’s my fault. I regretted letting you walk away that night, and I should've stopped you. I just hope, day and night, that you're okay that your mother is okay. I made a huge mess, Cyril. And I couldn’t clean it up. I thought I could take Dawson down, but it was just a small girl dreaming big, a fragile girl dreaming of being strong.

You've been and always will be a precious person to me. No matter where I go and how many years pass, I will never be able to forget you. After sixteen years of my hell-like life, I finally had someone to talk to, to rely on, even though I was bitchy about it. You have no idea how much I appreciated your presence under that tree in the school’s backyard. You were always there, and you always watched out for me. When I came to you on my eighteenth birthday, I promised myself to help you out, but I couldn’t keep it. I guess I’m no good for anyone.

I ran away from there only to end up in a bigger mess. Why am I so unlucky? Sometimes I want to curl up and cry. I think I have to pay for hurting you and for hurting mom.

Remember my dreams, Cyril? Remember how I used to mention golden trees in my dreams? They are not a lie, Cyril. I’ve found them. My mother lived here, and she knew about my dreams. She knew those places were real, but she never told me, and she had a good reason not to. I’m in a mess that my mother created. It’s nothing like Dawson’s mess; it's huge minus guns? I don’t know if I’m going to survive this place. I shouldn’t lay my burdens on you once again, but I can’t help it. I feel so alone, and I miss you a lot, but I'm living and not losing myself because I consider this my punishment for everything I did in my life. I’m a murderer, Cyril. A murderer!

Most of all, I apologize for not returning your feelings. I know you have been in love with me for years. I tried, but I couldn’t bring myself to have romantic feelings for you. Maybe I'm not capable of those, and it scares me. Please forgive me and find yourself another girl and be happy. I know it's not easy and I’m asking for a lot though I hope you'd try. For yourself.

I want you to forget about Dawson, take your mother and run away and find your happy ending. One of us has to. Please!

Love,

Jia (Adria)

I don’t know when my tears started to flow, but I'm already crying when I finish the letter. I barely feel Jade get out of the car, and she stands there awkwardly, twitching her fingers as she waits for me to collect myself. I do like I've been for last one year. For myself, if not for her.

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