Home is described as safe and cozy. A place you go to relax, for all your tension to flood away.
For me it’s a jail. For walls, hemming me in. I can pace and rage and fret but I still can’t leave. I still can’t reach my other half.
I jumped, turning to my mother with wide eyes.
“Sit down! Read a book, draw a picture, text your friends. Do something other than walk a marathon in my living room,” my mother scolded.
I gave a meek nod and went into my room. My parents had long since stopped questioning why I paced. I suppose they thought I was just energetic, like my little sister. They would never have guessed that it was fueled not by energy, but fear.
I tapped the desk with a finger, eyes glued to my phone. It didn’t vibrate. It hadn’t vibrated for two days.
He only went silent this long when something had happened.
I turned on my phone and went over our last messages. I’d already scanned our conversation a hundred times.
If he knew I did this he’d laugh, I thought.
But it didn’t keep me from doing it.
Solomon- Raaaaaz. Why aren’t you coming to visit?
Shahrazad- Soooool. I told you. My parents canceled.
He was more hurt than he showed. I knew it. I felt it. He had been ecstatic about us coming to Las Vegas and us seeing each other again.
And now he had gone and done something.
I was a worrier. My first idea was suicide. Of course, it was silly. He wasn’t an idiot. That also ruled out jail. He wouldn’t do anything that bad. Probably just detention and his electronics taken away.
The thought hadn’t stopped the cold in my stomach.
My parents didn’t know about this part of my life. They didn’t know that I had seen Solomon do stupid stuff before. They didn’t know that I had spent hours trying to convince him otherwise. They didn’t know that I walked around with a cold ball of cement in place of internal organs, the result of holding too much fear for too long.
They certainly didn’t know I would have done anything for him.
I had tried to tell someone once. Sara wasn’t my best friend; that was a title reserved for Solomon and Solomon alone. Sara wasn’t much of a friend at all anymore.
“You don’t understand, Sara. I’d do ANYTHING for him.”
She proceeded to rattle off a list of things she considered too far a stretch.
“Yes, Sara. All of those things.”
She looked at me funny. “Raz, it’s just infatuation. You’re obsessed over him, I get it. But chill out. It’ll fade in a few months.”
“...it’s been this way for two years.”
“Because you’ve kept it secret,” she argued. “If you told him and he reciprocated it’d go away after a few months for sure.”
“But I won’t tell him. He has a girlfriend.”
“If you’re so convinced you love him so much then why wouldn’t you tell him?” Sara frowned. “You’re not that scared of rejection are you?”
I shook my head. “It’s not like that. He doesn’t have to reciprocate. I’m happy if he’s happy.”
That’s where I lost even the ones that got past the infatuation argument.
I set the phone back down on the bedside table, the cold feeling creeping into my limbs. Within a few moments, my arms and legs would be shaking. Little, uncontrollable tremors. It wouldn’t matter how many layers I put on, they would just keep coming until I tired myself out.
I snatched at the phone so quickly I nearly knocked over the lamp. My finger was twitching, and I kept hitting the Open Message button. In frustration, I bit gently down on my finger, forcing it to be still. In just those few seconds my mind went wild with what the message might say.
Solomon- Soooo.... bit of advice. Don’t mouth off to your parents after already getting in trouble at school.
Solomon- This is the police. We found Solomon in the desert, unconscious...
Solomon- You know what sucks? Jails. Jails suck.
As my heart tried it’s darndest to shatter my ribs, I let go of my finger and tapped the button.
Solomon- Hi, Raz. -_- Nice to see my phone again.
“Flood” is the only word that describes what relief did inside me. The shaking remained and there were traces of cold, but the heavy feeling vanished. A grin spread as I replied.
Shahrazad- What did you do this time? :P
I set the phone down beside me on the bed, falling face-first into my pillow.
If I weren’t gone, I could be right beside him. If I hadn’t moved he wouldn’t get in so much trouble, I thought.
I would be right beside him. Right that instant, if it weren’t for the problem that I lived thousands of miles away. Almost two thousand, to be more specific. Two thousand miles between me and the other half of my heart. Two thousand miles keeping me from defending him.
Defending him from what? part of me wondered. I knew the answer, but I refused to admit it out loud.
Not until now.
I had to defend him from himself.
Solomon- Mneh. Nothing much. After all, they only took electronics for two days.
Translation from Solese: You don’t want to know.
Shahrazad- If I were there right now, I swear. -_-
Solomon- Pfft, you’d hug me.
Shahrazad- ....probably. *admits*
Solomon- Glad we agreed. Fly out and give me a hug.
I hugged my knees, staring at the wall. I couldn’t think of a reply.
I could go along with it.
Shahrazad- I’ll be right there.
I could be catty.
Shahrazad- Hmm.... nah.
I could be honest.
Shahrazad- You have no idea how much I want that.
Because that was what I wanted. To fly to him, gather him up and hold him close.
“Maybe you can,” A voice whispered.
But with all the voices in my head, I didn’t hear it.