[TRIGGER WARNING: If suicide thoughts trigger you, then please, don’t read along.]
I’m standing on the ledge, looking down.
My toes curl, trying to grip to the soil, grip to the rocky edge that is the only thing stopping me from plummeting down, down, down.
The breeze is a gentle caress to my face, reminding me of the many times their hands brushed my hair behind my ear, or wiped the tears rolling down my eyes; just like they are now.
I close my eyes, and I let them freefall.
I’m ready to free fall.
I extend my arms to the sides, my bare skin tingling under the memory of the early sun, of those warm rays that recharged my mind so many times before. That glow in the darkness of dawn breaking that reminded us there were new things to come, that there’s always light after the darkness.
But what is the point now? It's over. They took it all, took my will, took my last breath with them. And since then, I haven’t been able to breathe properly, I’ve been living on borrowed air. I’ve been breathing the remnants of what they left, of what we were, of who I was. Of who we were.
But I no longer am, I no longer live, I no longer want to. I don’t want to be alone.
I open my eyes one last time, to take it all in, to be brave even if just for a moment. The thin silk of my gown dances in the wind’s current, and I wish to be as free as this simple piece of fabric. I wish to float just like it.
“You are so brave.” How many times did they say that to me? I never truly believed them. I was never brave, they were the brave one, the one that dared, the one that kept me going. What am I without them? I am nothing, and this silence is killing me.
I was always looking up ahead, always worried about the next stage, the next step, the next enoch, and now I wish I would have enjoyed every precious second I had instead.
Now their eyes are closed forever, and I want mine to close too. But just this one last time, even if to prove them right, I’ll keep them open.
I lean forward, and let gravity pull me down, down, down.
Down into the abyss, down into the breaking tide, down into the ocean that was once our home, and now my ruin.
I watch the dark turquoise water approaching fast, my arms still extended to the sides, and for a second, I feel suspended there, stuck in time. I see the few remaining stars in the sky reflected on the surface of the water, and I’m ready. I’m ready to let the darkness engulf me one last time.