There he is again staring into my soul with his hazel eyes that could get every woman to say yes, every woman except me. I know that I am no more than a challenge to him, and I have to admit that it makes me eager to see how hard he is willing try. With everything that he possess I’ve always wondered why he doesn’t persuade me as he would do with everyone else. The first night that he asked me to join him in his bed I was sure that I had seen him trying, but he stopped then persisted with only charm. Neither of his advances worked on me as I insisted that he warm his bed himself or with someone else.
With each day that passes I fear that I am losing the battle within myself to continue to stay away from him. He is making it easier for me apart from the times that he is so near to me that I fear he is almost reading my mind. So often anymore he vanishes from the estate, and avoids being near me when he can it seems. Less often he keeps me after all the other servants leave the room. He tries his chances once again always to fail.
Whenever given the chance his eyes fall on me just as this moment, with only longing. I hate the feeling crawling through me telling me that I owe him everything inside of me for what he has done. Never once has he truly demanded anything of me since I have come under his service and I know that he never will.
God, I wish that it was summer now. The winters here are so harsh and cold. He has been here for a week now, and I try everything to stay from his eyes. If it was summer I could go into the forest to find privacy to write, but the winds cut through the corridors of the estate as if there were no windows. I could only imagine what it feels like outside of these walls. The thought sends chills through me.
This is much better than spending the entire winter on the streets, and that is the biggest reason why I owe him. There was no way that I would have lived this long if it were not for his kindness. It is nearing a year since I had lost them, but I did like my mother said. I kept my head held high and pressed on. It would only be a few short months until I turned as well. Something my mother and father both hoped would come while they were alive. They knew even if I wasn’t married by that time, then I would be able to provide for myself.
Marriage. Who would want to marry someone such as me? I am growing older and soon no man would want me for that reason as well. When I turn I am free to leave, but I fear what may be out there waiting for me. A life of solitude because of what I am. Hiding everything that I am will cause trouble for me being able to find someone to marry me. No children, no love. His yearning eyes would be gone forever. There is nothing that I can foresee in my future that would bring me any happiness.
He finally returned today after being gone for nearly three weeks. What shocked me more than his return was at dinner time. After I poured his drink he placed his hand on mine. This time I did not recoil or slap his away like I would have normally done. Perhaps it was his long departure that had softened me, but I was pleased to finally see his smile again. I think his smile could bring a smile to anyone no matter how unhappy their life may be at that moment. The kindness of his heart or maybe it is carefree ways that shine through it that makes it so wonderful to look at.
I did recline his request for me to join him for dinner though. Being a servant in his home I did not deserve the right to eat at his table with him. At least that is what I told him. I fear that I am losing my strength against him. He brings with him so much life and happiness to this home when he comes that I can’t help but miss him when he is gone.
I can’t give him to his wants like that. The only things I have to offer a man are my heart, my purity, and my loyalty. If I let those go to him then no man would ever love me, including my master himself wouldn’t want me either. I have never seen the same woman spend the night with him, and I do not want to be one of them.
I am turning in April, but I fear that I might have to leave before then just so that I can keep my heart my own. My agreement for protection and salvation was to remain his servant until I turned though. I would rather risk my life instead of my love by staying here.
I must find a way to avoid him until the weather breaks. It should provide useful in his absence, but I fear his returns if they prove to be anything like tonight.
The handwriting continued, but it wasn’t her writing.
“Sir, is there something you need?”
“Violet, while I was gone.”
“Don’t touch me!”
“Forgive me. I had hoped that since earlier this evening.”
“Just because of earlier doesn’t mean I will do what you wish.”
“No, that is not why I have come. Violet, while I was gone I was tortured nearly every moment with the thought of you, but I must leave because being near you is torment in itself.”
“I don’t understand, Sir. I never meant to cause you any kind of pain.”
“Whenever I am near you or in a room with you everything inside of me vanishes. I have nothing and I fear the existence of being only human. However, in hopes to keep everything inside of me I leave trying to drown out these feelings that you bring to me, but you never leave my thoughts. You have become something that I desire, but also fear.
You, it seems, doesn’t fear anything. You strike or speak before you think of whom you are reacting against. Several times I have felt your hand across my face, yet you have never once feared punishment. Do I seem the type who would allow such things?”
“Why then do you do it?”
“I only respond in such ways to ensure that after my servitude here that I may still find a decent husband to provide for me.”
“You are a witch. After you turn the world could be yours if you wish, but all you want is a normal life with a husband and children.”
“I have seen the way the world treats our kind. I would rather remain nothing than become something feared. The only thing I look forward to when I turn is that I may leave.”
“Is my home not proper enough to serve that you look forward to when you may leave?”
“No, Sir. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to word it as such. Your hospitality has been more than one in my position could ever hope for, and it will, I promise you, never be forgotten.”
‘No, please. Don’t.’
“Violet, with your permission, may I have one kiss for payment of the pain that you have stricken me with, and another for the kindness of my home. It would not ruin your chances of finding that husband you would search for, and it will hopefully end this suffering inside of me.”
‘Tell him no. Push him away. Don’t let him.’
February 6, 1720
Forgive me. None of that should have been written, but somehow since my powers are growing it continued with each word spoken.
Forgive me mother and father. I have shamed my future and my hopes.
I should have said no that night so many weeks ago, and I could save my heart from this pain. He has been gone for only one night now, and I can feel what I feared. Blyth kept me by his side since I let him in my bed. His feelings toward me are not those that I feel.
He told me that he would never marry. In all of his years he has never truly loved anyone to take vows binding them together for life. He speaks as though he has lived for much longer than what his age would appear. Blyth did assure me that if I were not able to find a husband because of what he had done then he would provide any such life that I would chose, except children.
I am grateful that no other woman has warmed his bed since I have given myself to him, but there has been no need for them given that I have been there every night.
Everything that I feared he would take I had a right to. He was my heart now. I allowed him to take my purity. My loyalty would always be his even when I wouldn’t be his to command as a servant. Although I hadn’t been treated as such, I still felt no higher than what I am now, a mistress.
Is there a chance, even the slightest one that Blyth will someday love me as I him?
March 30, 1720
I only have two weeks left before I turn, and now I feel the time slowing down. I want nothing more than to leave at this moment. It has been nearly ten weeks, and I can feel the change in my body. Mary Bowerstone said that I had been lucky to escape the sickness, but it wouldn’t be much longer that I could hide it from Blyth.
I can feel the pressure bearing down on me each time he touches my skin. He said he never wanted such things, and that he would never provide them. One can only hope that such things are kept safely hidden until I turn. Then I can go on my way and carry his child without him knowing.
Today was a bad day. I didn’t even mean to cause him grief, but one simple question turned into something quite horrific. My only intent was to find out more about him so that when his child would ask I could answer. He is so guarded about himself and his past.
Everything escalated until I accidentally sent a plate flying towards him. I was lucky enough that Mary had been in the room at the time and was able to deflect it. Without Blyth having his powers I’m sure that it would have harmed him badly.
My only hope now is that it is enough to keep him far from me until I am able to leave. My only worry now is how my turning will affect the baby inside of my womb. My only love now is for this child.
It nearly broke my heart to see the look on his face when I turned. I think he knew that I would be leaving directly afterwards. This is the only item that I held, and now sitting here in the woods I am completely lost with nothing but my thoughts. Mary said that she would find me tonight after Blyth had gone to bed. She said she knew of a place that would be perfect for me and the little one. It was near a town, but far enough out that people would not bother me. Just perfect for a witch she said.
I don’t know how she is going to find me out here in the middle of nowhere. After I turned I just imagined the edge of the woods. I was taken there and ran the rest of the way here. It is a nice secluded spot far from the estate.
I’m going to miss him fiercely, but I’m not sure how he would react knowing that I am carrying his child, our child.
Everything seems perfect now. Mary and I worked together to fix up this little house just a few hundred yards from the ocean. My powers are greater than I had imagined. It only took me a few moments to create a beautiful little cradle for the baby. Mary keeps visiting with little blankets saying that the child will need them. I think she is taking more of a motherly role. I can understand why since she has no child of her own yet.
I told her that she will find someone, but she insists that she won’t leave the sanctuary of Blyth’s home. Her whole family was killed because of what they are, and she didn’t want to face that again. Blyth saved her from famine and she owed him her life, which she would continue to serve him as he needed.
Both of us owed Blyth our lives, but only she could serve him as I wished to. She understood why I had to leave though. Her visits are coming less frequently now. She said that Blyth is starting to question her of my whereabouts. I wish I knew why he is so concerned about me. Wasn’t it him that said that I was a witch and that I could control the world if I wished?
I wonder if I might be found inside of his heart just like he is in mine.
The baby is starting to kick inside of me. Mary said that it is going to be a boy. She is just as thrilled as I am when he starts kicking. This child has brought her into my life, and I am grateful to have such a good friend to help me though this.
I have been thinking of names for the baby, but I haven’t chosen one yet. I think if it is a girl I will name her Mary in honor of my one true friend though. She would like that I think. If it is a boy, I thought about naming him Blyth after his father, but then it would be hard to hide from everyone. I guess I will wait until he is born.
Mary came today for the first time in weeks. She said that Blyth has started becoming himself again finally, except he has remained at the estate rarely leaving anymore. I don’t understand what she means by ‘becoming himself again’. I didn’t think my leaving would affect him so.
I told her today that my mind has been wandering since she left. I am all alone with no one to talk to and I keep wondering what my life would be like now if I had never let him in that one night. If I could of remained strong and not given in I could be finding a husband and living a normal life.
I just hope that she can fulfill my dream of living that life. I insisted that she start looking for a husband and love.
I can only hope that this child brings me enough love to make up for everything that I had sacrificed. My love, my purity, and my loyalty were all given to him, and he bestowed upon me his only child.
The leaves are beginning to change. I didn’t realize that it has been so long since I’ve last written, but being here alone it wears on me. I think it is September only because the leaves are turning bright brilliant colors. The nights are becoming colder, and I can only remember Blyth’s words trying to convince me to warm his bed with him. It would be nice to have him here now on these nights now.
My pains are getting worse and I keep calling for Mary. She insists that she will come as soon as she is able, but Blyth is there so she can’t just leave. Snow started falling this morning, but it was only flurries. If I can’t tell my child the date of his birth I can let him know that he was born at the first sign of snow.
I fear that I will have this child alone. I have no one else in this world except this child and Mary. Lord, give me the strength to get through this alone.
Matthew. Matthew Baine. No, Matthew Bradford was born just before dusk. Beautiful blue eyes and small brown curls, he looks just like his father. I know his eyes will turn brown in the coming months. It makes my heart ache to know that he will never know his father.
I have done it though all alone. He is everything that I hoped for safe and healthy. What mother could ask for anything else of her son?
The next several pages of the book contained drawings of a baby.
I took another brownie that Gran had just let appear on the desk, and watched the sun falling lower in the sky. The snow had stopped now, and there was none that stayed, but I understood now what was so important to them about the first snow. I never once imagined that Blyth was Matthew’s father though.
He was obviously not Michael or Marcus’ father since they were only half. I wonder what happened in the next few years that followed that brought them into her life. Did she find someone to marry her even though she already had a child to another? It is common now, but back then I’m sure she was shunned harshly for it.
I dove back into the pages trying to discover the mystery of Violet.
Matthew is growing so big now. It seems that everyday I am making him new clothes. I can’t imagine what human mothers go through. I am learning each day to be thankful for my magic now that I am a mother. I would be lost without my magic now. It is my source of everything food, clothing, and shelter. It is just as they said; once I turned I would be fine.
Mary came by today quite concerned. She insisted that I need to start looking for another place to put my new home. Apparently Blyth has been traveling the coast for months now. She said she doesn’t know why, but she can only imagine him looking for me again.
She did mention a new servant that Blyth has brought into the home. She seemed quite fond of him, and I think that is why her visits are growing shorter now. Blyth had saved him just like the rest of us, but she doesn’t understand how since he has already turned. It doesn’t matter to me though. I’m just glad that she might have found someone.
Every time I look into his eyes I see Blyth staring right back at me. The only difference is I can feel the love coming through little Matthew’s eyes. Something I will never see from Blyth. I can’t believe how much I miss him now. I knew I would though.
Matthew’s teething and I’m sure that the sun is about to rise. He has just fallen asleep finally. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the last week, and usually I am sleeping as soon as I know he is. It has been months since I have written. Matthew is
“There have been rumors spreading through the town that there is a witch living in a cabin just north from them. She sells them meat, vegetables, and some articles of clothing. The men are beginning to get angry saying that she is hunting on their lands. The woman are worried that their men will be stolen from their beds at night because of her beauty cannot be compared to the light of the sun. Golden locks fall over her shoulders and eyes of the most peculiar color of purple sets spells upon all of them. Now tell me, are they speaking of you.”
Blyth. How did he find me? I can’t look at him. I can’t let him know that he had actually found me. God, please let him not wake Matthew. I have to get him out of the cabin before he sees Matthew.
“Violet, tell me why you left.”
“Sir, I can’t be with you.” God, he hasn’t changed one tiny bit. It has been months since I have looked at him, but nothing has changed. He is still perfect.
“You didn’t have to leave. You could have stayed at my home, instead of living here in this. Come back with me.”
“You need to go, please Sir.”
“Violet, I told you before that it is torture not having you in my life. I don’t care if you deny me or threaten my very existence. I need to see you, feel your touch, and just be in your presence to feel like I am really alive. Right now I can feel life flowing through me again. Before you I haven’t felt such things in what seems to be hundreds of years. It is intoxicating.
I can drink until the very core of my magic is drained, but yet it is nothing compared to you. There is something inside of you that gives you such a power over my magic. I don’t know and I don’t care what it is, but I crave it. I crave you.”
“No, Sir, I need for you to go. I need sleep.”
“It is just now morning.”
“Please Sir, go.”
‘Hiccup’ No, please no. Matthew baby stay asleep.
“Please Sir, you have to go.”
“You. Is he? No.”
“I’m so sorry. Sir. I never meant for this. Please don’t hurt him. Don’t take him from me. I swear he will only be in my care, and no one would know he is yours. Please have mercy on him.”
“What is his name?”
“Violet, I must know my son’s name.”
“Matthew, my son. Why did you keep him from me?”
“Sir, I was afraid.”
“Never were you afraid of me. Never once did you show fear. Not once had I given you reason for either. Yet, you ran taking my son with you.
Violet, I may still look young, but I have seen more days in one lifetime than most men would see in over three of theirs. In all those days never have I laid eyes upon a child that I could call my own. If you would have just told me I wouldn’t haven’t missed any of his life. Now I am months behind in knowing the only son that I will ever have. I would give all my years just to know him for his entire life.
You have blessed me with life when you came into my home, and given me a child. Please come home with me.”
“You mean him no harm?”
“Most men in your position would kill us…”
“Do I look like most men, Violet? I may have power, money, and lands, but none of them matter compared to the life that you have given to me. Never doubt me. No harm will ever come to our child or you.”
“Take us home.”
Blyth is the most dutiful of fathers. It is remarkable that I had thought that he would take Matthew from me. He loves his child more each day that we are here. I have never seen any man with his child like this. He refuses to leave his side even for a moment. If there is any business that needs tending to he sends his servants rather than going himself.
Mary said that marriage is nothing compared to everything that our little family holds. I am sorry to admit it, but maybe my dreams were not at all what I wanted. Everything in this home is what I wished for. Blyth may not be my husband, but he is the father of my child. I would gladly remain his mistress if that is how he wishes it.
Since my return we have discovered the mystery of why he loses his power near me. Years ago when I was a child I was bitten by my mother’s cat. It became infected and left a scar. Blyth never questioned it before, but now it seems that something within him found him wondering. He said that cats detest him and he fears that they can take his life. I don’t understand it, but he assures me that he is not mad.
I listened quite closely as he told me the story. He woke up one day in the woods not sure of how he got there, but next to him was the cat. He said slowly the images began coming back. He can’t remember dying all he knows is he felt life leaving his body. He took the cat’s life for his own it seemed.
It was as I had said I don’t understand it, and I had feared that he was going mad. He fears though since he hasn’t aged beyond that point except for with me that cats seek the life that he has stolen. He does, however, thank the cat that has bitten me quite often and openly now. He says that me being near him is the most astonishing feeling that he has ever had.
Right now I listen to him playing the piano so perfectly and beautifully. It seems to calm Matthew into a deep slumber so Blyth insists on playing it each night for him. I enjoy it as well, and I think he uses it to continue charm his way into my heart. There is no room left inside me for anyone besides Matthew and Blyth.
We are waiting patiently for the snows to come. Blyth quite enjoys the fact that Matthew’s birthday is mark by such a day instead of awaiting a date. Matthew is so big now. He is walking and speaking. Mostly babbles, but his first word will forever live in Blyth’s eyes. Such a light shined when Matthew called him dada that it lit the entire room. Blyth says that he has no magic around me, but in that moment I’m sure that I saw it.
Again we patiently wait for the snows to come.
Another year passes and I’m sure that my dreams are slowly fading. Blyth continues to insist that he feel time and age passing through his body, but he remains just the same as when I first laid eyes on him. If he were aging each morning when I lay my lips upon his cheek I should not find his skin just as smooth as it was when I kissed him goodnight.
“Violet come away from the window and warm yourself by the fire.”
“Matthew? Is he sleeping now?”
“Yes quite peacefully. You did not join us tonight, why?”
“It has been a full year since I have written.”
“Why is there a need to write, you tell me everything now?”
“I thought that a year has been long enough to keep it put away. I just wanted to write in it once more before his birthday.”
“You lie. You are keeping your feelings from me again.”
“No, Sir, please read it.”
They were born today. Blyth tells me that Marcus was the first born, and Michael is the second. I can’t bear to look at them just yet. The look on his face once they were born I knew. I should have sent them from my body once I knew, but I feared that they were his.
Matthew is thrilled to have brothers it seems. I don’t think he understands that they are still too young, but he wants them to go play in the snow with him. It seems that they have all accepted them, even Blyth.
He has already sworn vengeance on the men who raped me and threatened his son’s life. I am bewildered that he has taken them in just as much as he did with Matthew. He has given them their names. He continues to say his sons Matthew, Marcus, and Michael.
Mary continues to dote over Michael. She says he is too small, and he probably won’t make it through the night.
God, what have I done to deserve such pain knowing that I carried them hoping they were his only to find out they were the sons of such cruel men?
Blyth left taking Matthew with him back home. He understood why I refused to let him take Michael, Marcus and I back. He insisted that Mary stay with here to help me with them, and that he would be back. I fear that he won’t. I have shamed him by bearing children that were not his. He was not angry or foul when he left or while he was here, but I think it was only for Matthew’s sake.
I can only hope that they come back. I fear I cannot live without them.
Matthew has just turned four and we all celebrated the first snow together. My fears never came true. They have been back every week. Sometimes they stay for a few days, but others they leave within the same day. Blyth says he prefers his bed to sleep in. I wonder how many women have shared his bed since I left a year and a half ago.
March 3, 1725
Today is Michael and Marcus’ birthday. It is a surprise that Michael had made it. Both Blyth and Mary were sure that he wasn’t going to make it through the first night. Here it is a full year later and Michael is still here with us. Unlike Marcus who seems to be extremely independent, Michael is still the smaller and he clings to me.
Just when I thought I had no room left in my heart Michael and Marcus both found their way inside of it. Blyth loves them just the same as Matthew, I believe, even though they are not his. He calls them his boys. They are all his boys.
I fear this may be my last entry. Blyth has asked that I not write and tell him what I am feeling. He says that I hold so much in whenever I keep things from him and it creates a void between us. I will respect his wishes because I owe him everything.
Today Blyth had Mary send the boys down to the beach before he even arrived. When they had gathered their things for a picnic Blyth finally came, and he wasn’t himself. I could see rage flowing through him, but at the same time a sense of gratification. He pulled me from the house saying that he wanted to show me something. After walking a small distance behind the house I saw what he wanted to show me.
He said it took him years to finally catch him, and he brought him back so that I could get my revenge against what he had done to me. I looked down at the man who fathered Michael and Marcus.
Blyth told me exactly what he wanted me to do, but to my surprise I couldn’t.
I had thought that the men were humans, but it seems that their father was a warlock. Blyth said that any warlock who does what he did to me deserves to have his power stripped. I listened to each word that he said. I saw his magic surrounding him and inside of him. As soon as I looked into his eyes I found my Michael starring back at me scared and frightened.
I closed my eyes and backed away from him unable to pull his magic into me like Blyth had wanted. Blyth continued allowing the rage that I had seen him in flow out at me instead of the man. When I couldn’t take his yelling anymore I was ready to run for fear of what he might do to the man, Blyth finally stopped.
As I opened my eyes I saw my little Michael staring at me through the trees. He smiled lightly and disappeared. I looked at Blyth who seemed content now. He had thought I took the man’s power, but I couldn’t reveal that it seemed Michael had.
My little Michael who was no more than eleven had stolen this man’s power. He had done what I couldn’t. He took his power and also his life. Michael had killed his own father.
I knew having Matthew in my womb when I turn would have its repercussions, but it is worse than I feared. Since he has turned he cannot control any of it. Both Blyth and I have tried to help, but it is no use now. My baby is so afraid to move his hand in any swift motion afraid that he will hurt one of us.
Blyth has been working on a way to bind most of his power. He wants to allow Matthew to have his magic, but he thinks he only needs a small amount. Blyth said that he can bind all of it, but that isn’t the goal that he is searching for. Matthew says that he wants all of it gone. It kills me to see my child so unhappy.
Michael has spent so much time with Blyth these past few days. I know that he will do anything for his brother, but I fear as well that he will let it slip to his father that he has power. He may only be fifteen now, but his power is stronger than I. He has taken to the power so much better than Matthew. I know Michael is so frustrated knowing that he can’t seem to help his brother even with all the power that he holds.
Marcus remains quiet through this whole process. He watches quietly from the side. I think he is afraid to help. He has always seemed to work better by himself. Marcus has always shut himself off with his feelings never really letting any of in. I love him still.
Today I know I will not see another tomorrow. My family has become ripped at the seams never to be one again. I knew they were only trying to help their brother, but it didn’t work. Michael tried to gain Marcus help in binding Matthew’s power.
It took everything I had to keep Michael from Marcus. I wasn’t going to lose two sons in one day. I must protect them from themselves. I am going to use every last ounce of my power to bind Michael and Marcus together until the end. I will entwine their lives together. Never again will they be able to harm each other or themselves to cause the other pain.
Mary has told me something today that I would have never believed before. She told me this morning before the world caved in around me. The night that Michael and Marcus were born she said she had a dream. Not a dream, but a vision of some sort of future. She was not herself but of another body. She watched through someone else’s eyes as Michael used her blood to kill Blyth. At first she said she didn’t understand who Michael was, but now that he has grown into a man she knows.
My family has lost everything that held them together.
My Most Beloved Blyth eighteen years is not much to you, but I know those years were the most important to you. These past eighteen years have meant more to me knowing I was the only one to give you a child. Now that he is gone, I do not know if you will blame me or my sons. I ask only that the blame will be placed upon me for not being able to stop my own cravings for you.
I fear this future that Mary has seen. Blyth if it is possible what Mary seen is true, please forgive me. I should have cast my children from my womb, but I love them nevertheless. In your own way I know that you love them to. I do not know the events that will lead up to what Mary saw, but I fear that it couldn’t be Michael. Time and time again Michael has mentioned how much he admires you. I am certain that if your life was ever in danger he would do anything to save you. You are his father.
I will not ask you to give your life and spare my child’s life when this fatal event comes. You are so much older than I and wiser. I will not ask you to weigh the value of his life with yours. I have weighed the value of my life to my children’s, and I will give mine so that they can live. I can only hope that this spell will protect them from whatever rage you may have because of what they have done.
On top of this book I have left you part of the key to lift the spell that I will place upon my remaining children. When the time comes that they no longer threaten each other I ask you to please break the spell that binds them allowing them to be free. The only time that you will find the Phoenix will be when your life is threatened so decide wisely.
This phoenix will have no more than nine days from when the flames take her first life to rise from her ashes. Her beauty will be consumed by the flames that have created her. Again will she breathe life, but she knows that the flames will take her life once more. She needs to be freed from the fate within the flames or they will continue to control her.
There is no forgiveness found inside her flames as they continue to have power over her. Have mercy through the pain that the flames have caused her. The fear of her of flames will cause her anguish until she can rise from her ashes. Her fear will become your fear, but don’t give in. Keep the fears at a distance until after the fates. When the fates come to her take pride in knowing that you have once again loved another.