Lucifer's Last Laugh

All Rights Reserved ©

Chapter 13: The Misogynist’s Tale

I have decided to further my understanding of American culture by consulting an American humanist, a novelist, an almost recipient of the Nobel Prize, but perennially deprived of that honor because he is an asshole.

This is none other than Buster Kane. I teleport to his Manhattan doorstep and compel him, a Null Six, to usher me into his apartment. I observe the fact that despite his eighty-odd years the near Nobelist appears remarkably sturdy, hair vanished but face remarkably unlined and jaw firm, though mildly petulant around the lips.

I settle in Kane’s book-lined study. The phone rings. He ignores it and gestures for me to take a seat at a comfortable settee facing his pleasantly polished and splendidly maintained Mission Oak book desk.

“I must say I have read your Hitler book but found unpersuasive your thesis that Nazi evil was due to a lack of a sense of humor.”

“Well,” I smile, “as Mel Brooks often said, ‘How many German stand-up comedians do you know?’”

Kane chuckles. “Well-quoted. Perhaps I may rethink my views. Now what can I do for you?”

“Well, sir,” I say with all the earnestness I can muster, “you are known for your unparalleled, albeit retinent, insights into the American psyche. No modern writer has done as much as you . . .”

“Spare me the book jacket blurb fulsomeness.”

I must admit from the outset that Kane possesses an unjustifiably high opinion of himself. He speaks with an irritatingly resonant voice and as he warms to a topic he becomes increasingly agitated, pouring what looks like water from a pitcher into his glass. Each time he does this, he blinks seven times and shakes his head; his words become scurrilously slurred.

Gradually it dawns on me that the pitcher is filled with gin (which I wish to rip from his hands and glurg).

Oddly, Kane intersperses his conversation with clumsy magic tricks: cards flashing and misidentified, handkerchiefs drawn out of sleeves, bouquets of fake flowers; in short, the dreary panoply of prestidigitation.

“From what little I’ve read of you and I do emphasize the ‘little,’ you strike me as a misanthrope.”

Kane glowers, “Would’ve expected better from a Brit. Of course I’m not a misanthrope. I love humanity. In the abstract, of course. I just hate women.”

“My apologies, then. You are a misogynist and evidently proud of it.”

“Damn right. I’m the world’s leading authority on how to use women and the proud author of “Women: a User’s Manual.” Use ’em for fun, profit, hey, whatever appeals to you. By the end of our get together, I expect you to buy my book and CD ROM because you will be well on your way to a fabulous future of using women.

“All men like to use women.

“The problem is that using women is much tougher than it

used to be. Back in the fifties a man would say, ’Hey, mind if I use you for

a while?’ Try that line today and you’re lucky if you escape with a

matched pair of reproductive organs.

“Women have turned mean in the last thirty years. They get offended if

you compliment them on their IQ. In fact, to a woman anything that a man

says sounds offensive. Like we’re condescending or something. What’s

condescending, I ask you, about expressing your admiration for a woman’s

mammaries? Or her gluteus maximus?

“Usually the admiration is heartfelt but women don’t understand. They have never understood. They think men want to use them for just one thing: sex, when the fact is, we want to use them for all kinds of things.

Sex is important, sure. But in the big scheme of things, is it really more important than having a regular laundry service?

“The other thing that women don’t understand about men is that men don’t like to use just one woman, not even one woman at a time. We like to use a lot of women for a lot of different things simultaneously. Women, on the other hand, generally like to use one man for everything. This is why men have heart attacks and die much younger than women. They become used up by being all things to one woman.

“This has got to stop. Men have to regain the initiative. After all, we

had the initiative from roughly one million B.C. until 1967. Surely, we’re not so stupid as to lose it permanently and forever. Think of it this way. Do you want your sons and grandsons and great grandsons to be born into a

woman’s world? Do you want generations of men as yet unborn to go

through their whole lives repressing their natural user’s instincts? Think

about the future. The future of Monday Night Football. The future of

beer. The future of one night stands. These will all go down the

proverbial fallopian tube unless men assert themselves and learn to be users

and not losers.”

“All very inspiring, I’m sure, Mr. Kane, although I must admit I didn’t know there was anything proverbial about the fallopian tube.”

“It’s going to be tough. Believe me when I tell you that trying to use a modern woman the way nature intended her to be used calls for the strategic genius of MacArthur, the tactical brilliance of Napoleon, the subtlety of Richelieu, the inventiveness of Edison, and the morals of Macchiavelli.

What makes the task even tougher is that women are a lot smarter than

men.

“I know you are going to disagree with that.

“You’re saying to yourself, ’If women are so smart, why haven’t they started any major wars? Why didn’t women invent gunpowder and the atom

bomb? The answer, you ass, is that they got men to do those things.

“Why? So men would feel responsible. So men would feel guilty. In short,

so men would feel like shit. The first rule in understanding female psychology is that all women want all men to feel like shit all the time.

“Women never feel like shit. Oh sure, they get cramps and pop pills and

go nuts and stuff like that. But women always feel smug and superior about

whatever they do. Women never feel shitty the way men do.

“They never feel morally shitty.

“At worst, women feel used.

“Big deal. That’s the way we want them to feel. Right? That’s the name of the game. You read me?

“So let’s get down to brass tacks and forget all that guilt crap. Just remember: Women invented guilt. Sure they haven’t invented anything since.

“Why?

“Because they haven’t needed to.

“Here’s a little women’s history for you.

“Women have no history. Up until 1966 women were called girls. Since 1966 women have been a major pain in the ass.

“Since logic is a man’s strong point, let’s begin at the beginning with no

a priori (but plenty of posterior) assumptions. It is obvious that before you

can use a woman you have to have a woman. The question is, how do you

get one?

“This has never been easy. It wasn’t easy in your dad’s day, and it’s

even harder now. Modern women are even more suspicious than the girls of

yesteryear. Take girls in the fifties and sixties. They probably didn’t like men any more than women do now. And they seemed to have liked sex even less (if that’s possible.) But fifties and sixties girls had to face up to the fact that they needed a meal ticket, and so they were a lot more tolerant.

“Today’s women, on the other hand, are super paranoid about men. For some reason, they think all men are assholes. Also, they are under the illusion that men are somehow going to open up opportunities for women to have careers so that they can support themselves. The combination of these factors results in the sad fact that today’s woman doesn’t take any shit. To get anywhere with today’s woman, you can’t rely on the old standbys like a big car, a three-piece suit, and an impressive sounding job title (like Assistant to the Assistant Vice President of Public Relations).

“No, the answer is you have to give the modern gal the impression that you’re sensitive, caring, and sharing. Which means that you’re sensitive to her whims, caring about her needs, and willing to share all of her traditional household duties while continuing to perform all of your own. (How many women share in mowing the lawn, putting in insulation, or fixing anything, especially anything electronic?)

“Somehow, from the first moment you meet a modern woman you have

to give her the impression that you’re exciting but reliable, interesting yet

responsible, ambitious but caring, masculine but sensitive. This is much

like giving the impression that you’re a highly intelligent moron. Theoretically it can’t be done. But it has been done. There are plenty of men out there who have pulled the wool over their women’s eyes long enough to get some use out of them before the women catch on and tell these guys to take a hike. You can do it too. What does it take? Concentration on your objective, an ability to lie convincingly and, to start, a good opening line.

“Generations of men have struggled endlessly to come up with the right

opening line, the kind of line that sweeps women off their feet and onto

their backs.

“’Haven’t we met someplace before?’ and “Hi, what’s your sign?” are

opening lines inscribed on the walls of Pompeii. Maybe they worked for the

Romans but you won’t elicit anything but rude guffaws with them today.

“’You’ve got great lungs” was popular in the fifties. “Wanna fuck?”

enjoyed a brief vogue in the seventies. But today’s woman knows all

the traditional lines and their responses, which are:

“Man: ‘Haven’t we met someplace before?’

“Woman: Yeah, that gay bar on Lexington, wasn’t it?’

“Or

“Man; ’Hi, what’s your sign?

Woman: “Turned off.

“Or

“Man: “You’ve got great lungs.”

Woman: “And you’ve got great gobs of nostril hair.”

“Or

“Man: “Wanna fuck?”

Woman: “Thanks, I only fuck men.”

“The fact is, that the only opening lines that work are those that don’t

sound like opening lines.

“Herewith some rules:

“Rule One: If you want to start up a conversation with a woman, do not

direct your opening line to her, but to somebody or something else, to the

bartender or God, for example. One effective technique is: plop yourself

down on a barstool next to a good looking broad, stare sadly at your hands

and say to no one in particular. “I just lost my first patient today.” This

communicates several things to your target: (1) as a doctor, you’re well-off

(or at least potentially well-off) (2) you’re either young (or old but incredibly successful if you have never lost a patient before) (3) you’re caring (4) you’re hurting. This is an irresistible combination to most women. Womenare very sentimental. They are especially sentimental about death

and money. (If you are not a doctor, this line will still work. It will not work,

however, if you are seeking a long-term relationship, one longer that is, than

twenty-three minutes).

“Rule Two: You must appear to be non-threatening. If you have muscles,

do not flex them or otherwise show them off. Women have two reactions to

male muscles: fear and disgust. Speak in a low, friendly tone. Women have

two reactions to loud male voices: disgust and fear.

“Even if you are a Mafia hit man or a Marine drill sergeant, try to give

the impression that you are in a “helping” profession. Men in “helping”

professions are notorious wimps. And that’s what women want. (Unless, of

course, they are shitkicker women, in which case you shouldn’t be talking to

them at all - we will get into that later.)

“Rule Three: Give them the impression that you love

children, not necessarily that you want children - be careful here. For some

reason all women like men who love children, even women who themselves

hate children. Men who love children are nonthreatening. They are also

stupid. These are two qualities that women greatly admire.

This should get you started, but you need to be wise to:

“TYPES OF WOMEN”

Here Kane moves to power-point.

“Women fall into several different types, all of them dangerous. These include:

“The Shitkicker Woman (on screen with picture of

a beautiful brunette dressed in a tight, sexy country western

outfit with hat and spurs)

“The Shitkicker Woman wears cowboy hats and boots and listens exclusively to country and western music. She has blonde hair and an IQ of minus 14. She is always unhappy because she is always having trouble with

her shitkicker man. Do not have anything to do with a shitkicker woman

unless you are a shitkicker man. Shitkicker women hate men with clean

fingernails. They hate men who are “nice” to women. Shitkicker women

never want to discuss Kierkegaard. They only go to western movies. They

drink like Doc Holliday. Such females are called shitkicker women because

they like to have the shit kicked out of them.

“If you do not want the shit kicked out of you by her ex, current, or

future boyfriend, avoid a shitkicker woman as you would a gay Hell’s Angel.

“The College Woman (on screen with picture of the

same young woman as before, dressed in the baggy sweats of the contemporary college woman)

“The College Woman does not read Nietzsche or go to foreign films. She

reads diet books and goes to self-help seminars. The College

Woman intends to be successful, rich, and self-fulfilled. She wants children,

but she does not want a husband. She is not very much fun. Avoid her unless

you are boring. The best way to tell if you are boring is if you like College

Women.

“The Career Woman (on screen with picture of

the same young woman, now dressed for success)

“The Career Woman is exactly like the College Woman, only older.

“The Intellectual Woman (on screen with picture of the young woman with stringy hair, glasses, and mishmash clothing)

“The Intellectual Woman reads post structuralist cookbook criticism and is

either unemployed or under the care of a psychiatrist or both. She exudes

angst and body odor. She is as much fun as reading Kant. Her sense of humor derives from Schopenauer via Susan Sontag..

“The Feminist Woman (on screen. The young

woman is now dressed very much like Gloria

Steinem—whatever that means)

“All modern women are feminists, even those who are antifeminist. Some,

however, are more feminist than others.

The self-sufficient feminist (on

screen) despises and detests men and seeks constantly for a way to reproduce daughters without the intervention of spermatazoa. These women areby and large unusable by men except as objects of fear and loathing.

The Committed Feminist (on screen)

“Is one who lives in a mental institution.

“The Radical Feminist (on screen)

“Wears burlap bags .

“The Perfect 10 (on screen)

“There are no perfect 10s except in the centerfolds of men’s minds.

“Foreign Women (on screen)

“From time to time you may have an occasion to use a foreign woman.

Watch your step. Foreign women often seem complaisant but each has her

dangers.

“The British Woman (On screen with the same

young woman as before— now dressed like Sarah

Ferguson—whatever that means)

“British women have nice complexions and talk too much..

“The Italian Woman (on screen. Again the

same young woman, dressed like Sophia Loren)

“Italian women have nice eyes and talk too much.

“The Spanish Woman (on screen. The young

woman is now dressed like a flamenca dancer)

“Spanish women have bad tempers and talk too much. (Do not have anything to do with Spanish women if you are even part Norwegian).

“The Moderate Feminist (on screen with

picture of Gloria Steinem, about age 30.)

“Wears designer jeans. Approximately 77.6% of all American women are moderate feminists. Moderate feminists can be fun if you talk to them about something other than feminism, male/

female relationships, and parenting. They are the most fun when you talk to

them about Woody Allen.

“The Antifeminist Woman (on screen with

picture of Phyllis Schafly, age about 30.)

“Wears her mother’s hand me down dresses from the fifties. She also

wears hats. Not Bella Abzug type hats but little, itsy bitsy teeny weeny hats.

She is very conservative politically, religiously, morally, and sexually. The

antifeminist woman dislikes men as much as other feminist women do but

she thinks men should make money and mistakes. She like to stay at home

and watch her nails dry. She reads the Bible and The National Enquirer Enquirer.

“She watches reruns of I Love Lucy on the Christian Broadcasting Network.

“The antifeminist woman is as much fun as an enema.

“The Nymphomaniac (on screen)

“There are no nymphomaniacs.

The California Girl (on screen)

“There are no California girls, only California girls dreamin’.

“The French Woman (on screen with the young woman

dressed like Juliette Binoche.)

“French women have terrific figures. They talk a lot but that’s OK because

you can’t understand anything they say.

“The Irish Woman (on screen; the young woman is dressed like Sinead O’Connor with hair)

“The Irish Woman is gorgeous and does not talk enough. Unfortunately,

there are not enough Irish women in the world to go around. This is because

Irish men live with their mothers until they are forty when they all become

priests or drunks and thus father few children. Irish men are very macho.

They like to drink and fight. The most macho thing about Irish men is that

they hate all women except their mothers. American men have learned a lot

from Irish men.

“The Russian Woman (on screen; the young

woman is dressed in sable and vodka.)

“Russian women are very emotional and very romantic. They are also often built like tractors and are therefore potentially quite lethal.

“The Jewish Woman (on screen, dress is reminiscent of the early Streisand or the late Greenberg.)

“Jewish women have had a bad press. This is because Jews are literate.

When they’re not reading books, they’re writing them. They write about

their mothers, so we have formed the impression that Jewish mothers are

different from other mothers. This is not true.

“All mothers are alike.

“The only difference between Jewish mothers and other mothers is that

Jewish mothers make chicken soup from scratch. Similarly, the Jewish

American Princess is no different from other American women. All women

in America are American princesses.

“Jewish women can be a lot of fun.

“They’re often very funny; they use funny words like kreplach and schlemiel

and they see the humorous side of subjects like death, impotence, and New

York City.

“Also, you can talk to Jewish women about Freud. Jewish women

like Freud because he grew up to be a doctor. On the other hand, you cannot

talk to them about Jung because Jung was anti-Semitic and lived in Switzerland.

“HOW TO USE WOMEN FOR SEX (on screen)

“Women think that men want to use them for sex all the time. As

usual, they are wrong. Men want to use women for sex only when they

don’t have anything better to do. And most of the time men do have something better to do: working, watching sports on television, playing cards, playing golf, playing tennis, skiing, jogging, or drinking. All of these take priority over sex; in fact, sex is pretty hard to fit into the busy male’s life.Women think that men think that sex is fun. Wrong again. Sex probably

was fun before 1942 when a woman named Norma Letch discovered

the female orgasm. Before 1942 only men had orgasms. Women did their

duty (and very well, too). But Norma Letch began gabbing about her wonderful discovery and pretty soon the news was traveling like a new Betty

Crocker recipe through the heretofore inorgasmic female community.

“Once women discovered that they could have orgasms, they began demanding that men furnish them. And not just for Christmas, or Valentine’s Day, or .even Memorial Day, but all the time. The discovery of the female orgasm immediately took all of the fun out of sex for men.

“Sex became a deadly serious business. When men need sex, they need

it immediately and they need it over with fast. And they used to get it over

with fast in the old days. But today, sex is a slow, arduous process involving

what women euphemistically call foreplay.

“Let’s get one thing straight. Women don’t like sex; they like foreplay.

Men like sex but hate foreplay, much the same way that men don’t care for

hors d’oeuvres and head straight for the main dish while women sit around

and nibble raw pieces of cauliflower and Cheezits.

“During sex, women are always saying things like ’go slower or go

faster, but don’t break the 70 mile an hour speed limit.’

“All of this is very boring to men who always want to go faster and get it over with.

“What’s the fun of prolonging sex, men very sensibly ask, when the pleasure is all in the climax?

“Because women have only been having orgasms since 1942, maybe

they haven’t learned any of the shortcuts that men know about. Men have

been having orgasms since the dawn of time and they know how to get them

quickly so that they can have more.

“‘Premature ejaculation’” is a term invented by women. From a man’s

standpoint, this is an oxymoron.

“If sex isn’t fun for men anymore, why do we still engage in it, however

reluctantly?

“Mainly because it’s necessary and often inconvenient to do by

ourselves, especially if we are living with a woman. A woman catches on

quick to the male masturbator, always saying things like ’I see you started

without me’ or ’It’s a good thing your penis isn’t wood and your hands

aren’t sandpaper.’

“Beyond these considerations, sex, like almost everything else that men

engage in, is a way of keeping score. Men view sex much the same way they

view golf: It’s not much fun but you have to keep at it.

“Besides that, it gives men something to talk about in the locker room after the game is over.

“In fact, men like to talk about sex far more than they like to do it.

They like to say things like ’I picked up this broad with tits the size of Montana last night and shtupped her thirty-seven times.” Other men never believe these stories, of course.

“They know that the speaker has not had an erection since the Coolidge administration. They know that he couldn’t pick up a parking ticket. They know that there are no women with tits the size of

Montana (or even Maine), but they play along because it’s all part of the

male game of fantasy sex.

“FANTASY SEX (on screen)

“For men, fantasy sex is the best kind of sex there is because it involves no

sense of responsibility whatever. The fantasy girl is always begging you to

do it to her right now now! The fantasy girl has never heard of foreplay. The

fantasy girl says complimentary things about your male organ. (When have

you ever had any real women look at your penis and say anything but

Yuck!?) Men would like to get compliments on their penises (from women).

After all, we’ve spent a lot of time and trouble trying to have nice looking

penises and we’d like some appreciation.

“The fantasy girl talks dirty. Men love that. Real women don’t talk

dirty; they talk like gynecologists: ’Please rub my clitoris for six hours until I achieve orgasm; then do whatever you must to my vagina but be careful of

all soft, membranous tissues.’

“BASIC FACTS ABOUT WOMEN (on screen)

“WOMEN’S DREAMS (on screen)

“Young women dream of horses; as they get older, they dream of

Mercedes’s and BMW’s. Women like to talk about their dreams, they like to

ask men what they think about them.

“Men should avoid talking about women’s dreams because anything men say about them is bound to be wrong. Men should change the subject or say something noncommittal like ‘interesting’ or ‘Wow!’

“Women will immediately nail you if you go much further than that. A woman will accuse you of not understanding either women in general or her in particular.

“She will probably be right.

“WOMEN AND FREUD (on screen)

“Do not talk about Freud to women, except Jewish women. Freud is at

the top of every other woman’s shit list because of what he said about penis

envy. Women find it ludicrous that Freud could believe that women envy

men’s penises. From their point of view, penises are far more to be pitied

than envied. If you mention Freud at all, give the impression that you think

that he was a Viennese fruitcake.

“BEATING UP WOMEN (on screen)

“It used to be thought bad form (even by men) to beat up women. Now,

bashing women around is a very in thing. Men are correct in thinking that

women have become more obnoxious in recent years. After all, in the old

days, women did not talk back. And now they do; so men hit back. There is

a simple solution to all of this: Men must learn to talk.

“I know this sounds like a radical idea but recent physiological

evidence conclusively demonstrates that men are not congenitally mute. In

fact, men talk more than women; they just don’t talk much around women,

especially at home.

“Men know that women are verbally far more clever than

they, so they prefer not to put themselves at a disadvantage by talking.

And when a woman talks back to a man what is the poor guy going to do?

he knows he can’t outtalk her so, wham! Right in the mouth. But this gets

tiresome after awhile. It’s hard on the knuckles and sometimes delays dinner.

“So the best thing for men to do is to develop a repertoire of crushing

things to say to women instead of hitting them. This will hurt a woman just

as much and won’t ruin your handball game.

“It’s not necessary to be clever and witty in order to crush a woman verbally.

In fact, women are quite easily crushed by the repetition of even extremely stupid remarks like:

“‘Doris, all you want to do is cut my nuts off.’ (Obviously if that’s all she’d

ever wanted to do, you would be delivering this line in a very high pitched

voice) or: ‘Sadie, you have the mind of a rutabaga.’ (If she’s so stupid, why

has she stuck with you?)

“Good crushing lines include: ’You always look so unattractive whenever

you disagree with me.’ (No woman likes to be thought unattractive

under any circumstances, even after being hit by a bus.) ’Did you know that

your breasts look especially saggy in that outfit?’ This will immediately distract her. As soon as possible, she will run off and check to see whether her breasts really are sagging. She will conclude that you are right. (All women, even women who have no breasts, think that their breasts are getting saggier by the minute.)

“Delivering lines like these will improve your self image and reduce the

women in your life to a quivering mass of oatmeal. More important, verbal

abuse is not against the law. Yet.

“USING WOMEN FOR PROFIT (on screen)

“One of the most rewarding ways to use women is for profit. Both directly

and indirectly, women can contribute handsomely to the economic

well being of men. Upwardly mobile men have known about this for a long

time (as have downwardly mobile women), but the average Joe is usually

aware only of the obvious ways of using women for profit. Ways like

“USING WOMEN AS UNPAID LABOR (on screen)

“This has been going on since the Stone Age and, until recently, men

have taken the unpaid domestic duties performed by women for granted.

Indeed, many men are astonished when they discover that such womanly

chores as cooking, washing, ironing, grocery shopping, and raising children

are not actually written into the marriage contract. Surely, they say, it was

somewhere in the small print, wasn’t it? Au contraire. (That’s French,

women love French!)

“And, in fact, there is no legal way that a man can force a woman either a wife or live-in lover, to do any of these things. Why none of this was never spelled out in the Constitution, or at least well established

in Common Law, I don’t know. But you know very well that with the

women’s movement and the growing influence of the feminist conspiracy,

the chances of getting legislation passed that would protect men’s traditional

rights and privileges are pretty slim.

“Still, things aren’t so bad as they might seem. Except for the few

extremists who are into total sharing sharing, the kind who calculate down to the millisecond the exact amount of time that you each spend on domestic

chores and who therefore often do things like make you hold the baby while

you’re putting on a new roof, except, in short, for the most insufferable exemplars of the New Woman, most women are content to grind away doing

the same old household tasks that they have been doing since time immemorial- as long as men make some minor gesture towards helping out.

“For example, dry the dishes once every six months or so or hand your wife the pins when she’s diapering the baby (or open the box of Pampers. Whatever. You get the idea.)

“Be sure that whenever you do this, you make a big deal out of it. Elicit as much praise and thanks as you can. Point out how lucky she is to have a man who helps out around the house.

“If your woman demands more of you than this, do not bristle. Be genial

and cooperative. Demonstrate your willingness to assist her in any way

that she would like. The strategy here is to begin by exhibiting cooperation, but end by demonstrating helplessness.

“So, offer to cook breakfast but be sure that you burn it into an unrecognizable mound of carbon. If you wash (or dry) the dishes, find a way todrop and break every fifth dish. When vacuuming the living room, try to

suck up the sofa with the vacuum cleaner, thus overloading the motor and

causing a burning smell to permeate the carpet and drapes. And when you

dust, put varnish remover, instead of furniture polish, on the dust rag.

“When, as a result of your destructive klutziness, your woman screams

and rants at you for demolishing all that you touch, react with a hurt expression and say “But, honey, I was just trying to help.’

“Before long, the mere prospect that you might do something around the house will cause your woman to do a convincing imitation of someone suffering from terminal apoplexy. She will literally beg you to leave the premises and go play golf or pound sand. Anything to keep you from inflicting further damage on things precious to her.

“The point here is that men always have the upper hand in domestic

arguments. Men really don’t give a shit about Grandmother’s

china or Aunt Bessie’s antique commode lid. But women, even the most

unreconstructed of the New Women, do. Women are obsessed by trinkets,

heirlooms, objets d’art, (That’s French again!) and the like and they react

viscerally when men casually destroy such things. Moreover, women secretly expect men to be klutzes around the house. Their fathers, brothers,

and uncles were klutzes, so why should you be any different?

“Once you have trained your woman to be horrified at the thought of your

performing even the simplest of household tasks, you can look forward to a

long life of uninterrupted masculine tranquility. When she says to all and

sundry, ‘Fred is hopeless around the house,’ take fierce pride in those

words. They indicate that you are well on the way to becoming a user par excellence.

“USING WOMEN FOR PART-TIME INCOME (on screen)

“Today, most women work, and most of them work at dreary, low

paid part-time jobs. Sophisticated women users know that this is a positive

development, one to be encouraged.

“Back in the ’50s, when their wives wanted to get a job, men used to

fall down on the floor and gnash their teeth and blubber: ’You’re proving

to the whole world that I can’t take care of my own family. You’re trying to

cut my balls off,’ they would scream piteously.

“This was all very dumb. A woman’s part-time job can come in very handy. The income can be used to buy you a new tennis racket, three piece suit, or a new electronic toy.

“Why turn down extra bucks? The trick is to make sure that you siphon off most of her extra income for your own wants and require that she continue to do all of the household work and raise the kids.

“It is important to ensure that a woman with a part-time job does not

begin to develop a sense of independence. This can be achieved in several

ways. First, be sure to denigrate her job whenever possible. Point out how

unimportant it is compared to your job. Constantly compare how much

money you’re bringing in with how little she’s making. Take her out to

dinner whenever you get a raise. Say something like ‘Really?’ whenever

she tells you that she’s gotten a raise or promotion. Make her feel guilty

for neglecting you and the children while running off to fulfill herself as a

secretary or short order cook.

“In short, let her know that her part-time job is a much bigger burden on you than it is on her.

“Do not, however, carry this so far that she quits her job. Your objective is to combine the pleasures of using a woman for extra part-time income while retaining her services as full-time wife and mother.

“USING WOMEN WHO HAVE FULL-TIME JOBS

(on screen)

“Many women have full-time jobs that are very much like their part time

jobs: underpaid, low prestige, etc. Increasingly, however, women are

working at full-time jobs that are distressingly like men’s jobs: overpaid,

high-prestige, etc. In fact, many men now find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of making less money than their women do.

“The rules for handling this sort of situation have not yet been fully worked out, but let me offer you a few helpful suggestions to start off with.

“First, make clear to her that she has a better paying job than you do

only because she is a woman. Say that society is making a special effort to

place women in high paying jobs for which they are totally unqualified.

Point out that if you had been a woman you would probably be president of

your company by now, instead of being a forty year old stockboy.

Make your woman feel that her success is the direct cause of your failure.

After all, if you hadn’t been the kind of supportive wimp that she

wanted, how could she possibly have ended up with a prestigious job?

Downplay the fact that you are a chronically unemployed, lazy, alcoholic

bum who has never been able to support himself (much less her).

Constantly complain about the fact that she is stingy with the money

she earns. Ask her ‘When was the last time you bought me a Ferrari?’ or

‘Why do you always make us stay in Bed and Breakfast places when you take me to Europe?’

“If you play your cards right, you can keep your woman constantly off

balance and filled with guilt about her success. One thing you don’t want to

do - cause her to lose her ambition. It is her ambition and drive, after all,

that permit you to live in luxury, unspoiled by the gut-wrenching tensions

and anxieties that accompany a top-level career. You don’t want your

woman to fall apart on you, leaving you to shoulder the dreary responsibilities of supporting yourself.

“If this should happen, leave her, pointing out, of course, that you always

knew she was a neurotic bitch who couldn’t make it in a man’s world,

and immediately find another successful career woman who is eager to take

care of you. After all, your career is really making a living from your

women’s careers, and should thus be pursued with the same singlemindedness that is generally associated with politicians seeking reelection or professional baseball players negotiating a new contract.

If you learn to use, you’ll never lose.

“WOMEN’S CLOTHING

(on screen)

“Women wear a lot of different kinds of clothes, most of them strange.

This is especially true of women’s underclothes which are more numerous

and far less straightforward than men’s. But even aside from these, women

have a wide range of outer garments to choose from - pants, pants suits,

blouses, camisoles, dresses, skirts, culottes, shorts, etc. as well as a staggering variety of things to put on their feet. The average woman owns 201 pairs of shoes, 183 of which she hasn’t worn in at least two years.

“It is not becoming for men to know very much about women’s clothes.

The thing to keep in mind is that women like clothes and they like their

clothes to be admired.

“If you want to get along with women (which any smart user does) you should make a special effort to comment on how nicely

your woman dresses. Compliment her taste, her sense of color, her savoir

faire. If you really hate whatever it is that she’s wearing, compliment her on

her originality.

“Whatever you do, never go with women when they shop for clothes.

Just as women prefer foreplay to sex, they prefer shopping to buying. It is

not uncommon for a woman to try on twenty different dresses in ten different stores and not buy a single one of them. To a man, this is inconceivable.

“Men like to walk into a store and buy two shirts and three pairs of pants in

less than two minutes. It doesn’t matter to most men whether these clothes

fit. The important thing is to get the buying out of the way so that they can

go drink a beer.

“Men who want to be well-dressed should give their women a

complete list of their sizes and let them do the shopping. Women will spend

hours hunting out bargains, finding things that will look good on you and

actually buying them. For some reason, women are less hesitant to buy

clothes for men than for themselves. This is a characteristic of which you

should take full advantage. The hours that you can save will not only result

in an improvement in your wardrobe but also will free your time up to sleep,

lie around the backyard or watch weekend sports. Since women are rarely

extravagant about buying clothes, you will also save money by not blundering into stores and grabbing the first thing you see. This is only one way that the peculiarities of women’s behavior can be turned to your advantage. What’s more, you can be assured that they will enjoy every minute of shopping for clothes, whether yours or theirs, just as you will enjoy every minute of not shopping.

“WOMEN AND TIME (on screen)

“Women have no sense of time. They are either chronically late or

chronically early. Some theorists say this is because women wear those itty

bitty little watches that never work so they actually never know what time it

is. Others argue that women are tied to a weird biological clock that misses

lots of tick-tocks and turns off all alarms. The sophistication of these theories notwithstanding, the fact is that women cultivate their unawareness of time principally to irritate men.

“Men like to be on time, they like to leave on trips saying things like

’Our ETA in Denver is 17:37.’There is something indefinably masculine

about time, about getting things down to clockwork precision. Women react

to this by throwing monkey wrenches and small grenades into the male

mechanism of time. They enjoy seeing men grow red in the face apopleptic

with rage, as they pace back and forth looking at their watches, screaming

things like ‘Can’t you hurry the fuck up?’ or ’Don’t you realize the party is

this millenium?’

“Such outbursts should be avoided. They play directly into the

hands of the female enemy who, after all, is trying to do to men what men do

to women, which is drive them nuts. The proper reaction to the desultory

woman is not hate but humor, not rage but risibility. Women hate being

laughed at, especially by men. If you make a joke about your woman’s

impromptitude, chuckle, snicker, and shake your head over her inability to

tell the difference between March and May or, for that matter, between 11

a.m. and a dachshund. Your frustration over her laggard ways will be released in the satisfaction you will enjoy at seeing her squirm at the sight of

your cheerful chortling, your joking jollity, your lapidary laughter. The

point is not to make her change her ways. The point, as always, is to make

her suffer.

“WOMEN’S INTELLIGENCE

(on screen)

“Women are smarter than men. They are also shrewder more cunning,

more devious, and more Machiavellian. Faced with the fact of women’s superiorintelligence, men for millennia have kept women in their place by the judicious application of brute force. As I’ve pointed out, this has become

increasingly more difficult as women have progressively subverted the system through laws intended to undermine time-honored male brutality.

What, you might well ask, is a guy gonna do now? We can’t outwit

them; we can’t beat them at Jeopardy. What alternatives do we have?

Most commentators stop right there, on a note of defeat and desperation.

“But there is one strategy that men have overlooked. We have failed to capitalize on our stupidity.

“Think about it (if that’s possible) for a moment. Nothing infuriates a

smart person more than a stupid person. If that person is also seemingly

innocent, like a child or a pro football player, the smart person feels compelled to internalize the anger, thus making her stomach feel like a refried bean factory.

“Stupidity is a wonderful tool. Used properly it can conquer

(and indeed often has conquered) the world.

“Whenever your woman shows the slightest glimmer of intelligence,

whenever she explains something to you, or asks your opinion, play dumb.

Say things like ‘I don’t understand’ or ‘That’s too deep for me’ or simply

‘Heavee, honey.’ Don’t worry about your woman thinking of you as a moron. She thinks that already.

“But nothing undermines a smart person’s confidence like being confronted with intractable idiocy. At first, when you claim not to understand something, your woman will patiently try to explain it more slowly and clearly. You can tantalize her by saying things like, ‘I think I’ve almost got it,’ or ‘It’s beginning to be a little less fuzzy.’

“Pretty soon, she will be reduced to talking like a three year old, which will,

of course, make her feel stupid, which is exactly what you want. Eventually

she will lose all sense of superiority, flailing around as she must in talking

to you, for irreducibly elementary words. She will take upon herself the

burden of the failure to communicate and spend most of her time reading

first-grade textbooks and wondering how she can possibly simplify the

English language to reach your level of comprehension.

“This tactic works wonders because women are too smart to see through it.

“WOMEN AS ORNAMENTS (on screen)

“One thing men like to do with women is show them off. Display them

like a new Maserati or regimental tie. The point of this, as all men

know, is to create envy in other men. Men are as envious of a man with a

good-looking broad on his arm as they are of a man with a million dollars.

Some people mistakenly think that such envy arises from lust, that other

men want to whisk the ornament away and commit sexual acts

with it. This is not the case at all; as with other baubles, the female ornament

is looked upon as a sign of power or affluence: ’How can Harry afford

to keep her in tow?” we mutter to ourselves as we see old Harry, who is uglier,older and less charming than we, pass by arm in arm with an abolute doll.

“So women make terrific ornaments and sometimes they are less expensive

than a new Rolls.

“USING WOMEN FOR FUN (on screen)

“This is a touchy subject. Men usually don’t think of women as fun.

Pleasurable occasionally, yes. Fun, no. Fun is something men have with

other men. It consists mostly of watching sports, playing poker, and getting

shitfaced. Because it’s no fun at all to watch sports, play poker or get

shitfaced with a woman.

“So forget that.”

Buster Kane turns off his computer and grins at me.

“So am I right or am I really really right?”

“You, Mr. Kane,” I reply, “are, above all, a manly malediction.”

“Why, thank you, R.O.T.”

Continue Reading Next Chapter

About Us

Inkitt is the world’s first reader-powered publisher, providing a platform to discover hidden talents and turn them into globally successful authors. Write captivating stories, read enchanting novels, and we’ll publish the books our readers love most on our sister app, GALATEA and other formats.