Suicidal in Heaven – A Journey of Choices

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50

L

I was in a place I had never been before, never have I felt such depression. I used to blame the world for the way I was, it was much simpler to say the world was wrong, not me. It was the world who couldn’t present itself as interesting, it was the world that couldn’t understand me, it was the other who didn’t know how to entertain me, that didn’t know how to talk to me.

But the truth is that it was all my fault. It was me who couldn’t make the world an interesting place, it was me who couldn’t understand the others, it was me who didn’t know how to talk. And I finally understood that. And it had finally arrived to hurt me. I spent my life pointing fingers, but I’ve never pointed them correctly. It was me, it had always been me, it would always be me.

There was no way of recovering from that, there was no way of getting out from where I was. A whole life of lies, a life blaming others without taking responsibility. I was my own enemy, and I was too blind to see my own eyes. I just needed to look in the mirror to see the true responsible. But I couldn’t do that, now I needed to make up for that mistake. I needed to suffer, and there was nothing that could change that.

It was then that I saw the light. It seemed the same light I had seen right after I killed myself, and before seeing myself in a world that wasn’t earthly. Even the promise that everything would be fine was the same. The difference now was me. I didn’t believe the promise of the light, I didn’t even open my eyes with the intention of avoiding seeing its lie. Nothing could make me feel ok, I was sure of that. More than that, I needed to believe. I know who I am. And who I am is someone who is his own enemy, someone who can self-destruct without even showing/realizing where this self-destruction comes from.

The light became more intense, as if it was near me. And, in fact it was, I felt a hand grabbing my wrist and, as if I had no weight, lifted me up.

Open your eyes. – Ordered the light.

I couldn’t keep them shut. The voice of the light was an order impossible of being ignored, it sounded like divine will. A soon as I opened my eyes, I saw something fantastic. It was a perfect man, the light was the archetype of man. It was what everyone wishes they were, even if the wishes were different. He was perfect, his beauty was astounding, I loved that figure the moment I saw him. I had never seen something so beautiful and perfect as that person. No, it wasn’t a person, it was something more. It was a god, maybe even God Himself.

I had never seen someone feel his feelings with so much intensity as you. I mean, I’ve never seen anyone who wasn’t me doing that.

The light spoke, and his voice was as perfect as his looks. I was much calmer, I was happy. Everything I had felt a few seconds ago didn’t exist in me anymore. I didn’t say anything, ’cause I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know if I was worthy of speaking to that entity.

You’re feeling so bad that even my demons are feeling sorry for you. Your feelings are so terrible, you’re so depressive, that you inserted empathy in the most vile creatures in the whole creation.

The perfection stopped talking and I should have realized there was something wrong when he said: “my demons”. But I was so intoxicated with the perfection and the heat of the touch from the entity that was speaking to me and kept me on my feet that I just couldn’t think.

And, besides, I don’t like having competitors. I’ll heal you, you won’t feel that as long as you’re here. – He kissed my forehead and everything became even more perfect that it already was. – There, you’re fine. Unless the choice…

And leaving the sentence hanging in the air, the entity disappeared, and the moment the perfect light of the entity ended itself in the sky, all hell began to do what it always did. And I was fine, or as much as one could be in hell.

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