Suicidal in Heaven – A Journey of Choices

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Fan… Batteries… The two things I wanted the most since the moment I got to hell, and now I had them. It didn’t matter the fan needed an outlet to work and the batteries seemed old, I think they were even leaking a little, I had means to cool down and to turn on the wonderful apparatus that has been my stronger and most intimate desire since I felt this hellish heat for the first time.

The GPS talks to me, but I don’t pay attention. I look at it with suspicion. I know it’s mine, but I wonder how mine it really is. I had thrown it away, really far. Of course I kept walking as the rage took over, but I was sure I was walking the opposite direction compared to the one I had thrown the GPS. This could only mean that someone had brought it back to me, which could only mean that, besides showing me the location of all things that exist in hell, it also showed me its own location, and, consequently, mine as well. And if it was transmitting such information someone, could be following me, and that same person could want to put an end to the heat I was feeling with the fan. Or could just be a demon wanting to take my fan away from me to torture me, to play with the fact that I got what I wanted, but lost it. Whatever it is, I couldn’t allow it, the fan was mine and it would always be mine. I wouldn’t loose it.

I began to walk, without taking the GPS. I walk looking around, feel eyes watching me. Human and demonic eyes. But they are not looking at me, they’re looking at my fan and batteries. They’re looking at my most precious items. I hold on to them with all my strength, no one would take them from me. They’re mine!

My arms are hurting from the weight of the ventilator, my feet hurt from all that walking. But I don’t dare to stop to rest, stopping means becoming inert and it’s much harder to accelerate an object that’s still then one it’s moving. Specially if this object is a sitting person, by the time he gets up and starts running, it might be too late. And if I sit down and drop the ventilator and the batteries I might even get some rest, but what if someone comes running and grab them? I wouldn’t have means to defend myself. And even if I see someone coming, how long would I take to grab everything, get up and start running? Too long, long enough to lose everything. And I can’t loose these, I spent all this time in hell wanting these things and now that I have them I can’t lose them. They’re mine!

That’s why I do the only thing I can, I continue to walk. I ignore the pain and continue to walk. I walk and arch more and more. I’m tired, I need some rest. But I don’t surrender, ’cause my physical needs are inferior to my needs of having. I need more the things in my possession than my physical health. The ventilator and the batteries are things that complete me in hell, they’re my only hope of ending the heat. Ending the heat, there wouldn’t be torture left in hell capable of making me regret taking my own life. The heat was the worst possible punishment that hellish place had to offer.

I keep walking. I’m still tired, I still need some rest. But I won’t stop, not while I’m sure I’m being watched. I look behind and see the GPS following me. It’s floating on my eye level, its initial screen with two icons stare at me like eyes, and that’s what they are. Eyes that desire what I have. I stop and stare at those pixelated eyes, the GPS also stops and stares at me. There’s no visible change on the screen, but I feel they’re different. They want what I have, they want what’s mine. I turn around and run, I won’t allow the GPS to have what’s mine. They’re mine!

Running, I look back, the GPS follows my speed. I run even faster, but not fast enough. I’m tired, in pain and with too much weight to manage to be really fast. The GPS soon gets really close to me, I try to go faster, try to muster strength and speed from places I don’t think exist inside me. It helps a little. I continue to run, and soon the GPS outruns me. It disappears in thin air, and I use the opportunity to keep running. I’m sure this is my chance to escape, of leaving that monster that wants what’s mine behind. I’m running with my eyes closed, I’m concentrated in not stop running. And then I fall down.

I feel my most precious items flying out of my hands. The fall is just my size, but it seems to go on forever. I open my eyes and see my ventilator and my batteries flying, I try to grab them. I ignore the fact that I’m falling and I stretch my arms to try and reach those things that are mine. I can’t, all I can do is hit my face against the floor and break my nose. But it doesn’t matter, ’cause I begin to crawl towards my items on the ground. The GPS then appears before me, in big letters I read (and also listen to its voice): Circle of Greed, ruler Mammon.

Then, I stop, I look at what used to be my most precious items and see what they really are: stones. I look around, the place that was deserted a second ago has become a decadent town. People wander with stones in their hands, certainly seeing in them what they want to see. Their most precious items are absolutely nothing. People look at the stones so intensely that I understand where all those looks came from when I was “under the spell” from both Mammon and the Circle of Greed. All those stones are what people want them to be, but they can also take the look and transport them to someone else. Everyone thinks they have what they want, and everyone thinks they’re being watched. While the first part is a lie, the second one is true. It’s not just the truth in the sense they think it’s the truth.

I get up slowly. I could ask how could people could see in stones what they want the most, but deep down I understand. Not just ’cause I had been through that experience, but also ’cause I know how it feels to want something so much and get it. There’s a momentary blindness when it happens on Earth, the problem is, since there’s no concept of time in hell, the moment can last an eternity. I grab the GPS, look at it and don’t see the eyes anymore, all I see are icons. I know it’s just a machine that follows me because of demonic/infernal magic (or something of the kind), but that doesn’t stop me from saying:

Thank you.

For a second there, the pixels seem to shine a bit more intense, like the GPS felt glad and embarrassed for being acknowledged. But it’s probably just my imagination. I think.

Well, I guess it’s time to familiarize with the circle. Let’s go.

I begin to focus on my pain, and how I managed to torture myself and suffer more than any other demon was capable of making me go through this. But I don’t get sad, I’m proud of my work. I close my eyes and when I open them again, I’m before the perfect light.

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