Suicidal in Heaven – A Journey of Choices

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58

LVIII

What do you want? – The perfect light’s voice fills me, it resonates in my head and I feel everything will be fine.

To conclude my tour through the Circles, Lucifer. – I answer, looking at the GPS, that indicated in bold letters where I was, and who was the ruler of that place.

And couldn’t you have walked?

I’m in a hurry.

Because you don’t have eternity to know everything, right?

I laugh. The commentary wasn’t funny, but I laugh anyway. I don’t know why, but it’s what I do.

Stop, I know I’m the funniest in whole creation. – Ordered Lucifer.

Then I realize why I laughed. Lucifer was the first angel to fall, and he did it because he thought he could compare himself to God. His pride condemned him. He’s always certain he’s more than he is, specially here in hell, where his powers have no limit (or close to that). I didn’t laugh ’cause I thought it was funny, but because he made me laugh. He made a funny remark, and his pride wouldn’t accept less than my reaction. Unconsciously, or maybe consciously, he made me laugh to make sure he’s the funniest in whole existence.

Any of the other lords, presidents, bosses, dictators… form the other Circles came to talk to me… - He interrupts me.

And…?

Why did you came to talk to me?

Rumors began to spread through hell. They’re saying you’re able to suffer more than me, they’re saying you’re able to create worse tortures than mine. They’re daring to say your feelings are more intense than mine. – I feel anger in his voice, even if it’s hidden.

I understand why I was speaking directly to him, and I don’t want to experience what I think he’s about to offer.

They’re all wrong. – I begin to say, already thinking about fixing the situation. – No one’s better than you in absolutely nothing, sir. Your tortures, your feelings, your intensity, your humor… everything you do is perfect and insurmountable.

You’re smart. – The compliment doesn’t sound like a compliment.

But I don’t get even close to you intelligence.

You know nothing you say will prevent me from doing what I have to do.

Yeah, I know… - And I say that with sadness and grief in my voice, I know my worst torture in hell is about to begin.

There’s no reason to delay the inevitable, let’s begin.

I thought he was going to count to three or at least give me a heads up. But as soon as he stopped talking, he begins to show me how insignificant my feelings are. We merge, I think we merge. All I know is that one moment I’m in a known landscape in hell, with the hot black-red walls and all the population on the ground looking up watching us and trying to listen to what we’re saying, and then I’m in a completely dark place and it seems full of nothing. But the nothing is soon occupied by feelings, it’s the feelings of Lucifer. I’m inside of them, I am them. And then my torture begins.

I feel everything he feels, felt or will feel. It’s a lot of things, it’s all very intense… I see the dawn of creation, I see his ego beginning and increasing as he opened space between the celestials. I saw him becoming the greatest of all angels, saw how he became even more important that the archangels. I saw how his happiness was broken when he found out the plans God had for him. I felt his happiness when he arrived where he did, and felt how that was broken by a depression so deep when he found out what he had found out. He created his hosts, he went to war. He fell, not because he wanted to, but because God wanted him to fall. I felt his hatred for being manipulated, but felt his happiness, his tenderness and his joy for having done what he was created to do: follow the will of the Father.

It was just a few seconds, but it was time enough for even my spirit to break. Torture wasn’t feeling what he felt, what would be enough to destroy anyone (maybe even God). The biggest torture would be to know that I could never feel something the way he felt, and even though not having the sadness he had inside was a good thing, I wanted to feel again the happiness Lucifer felt one day. The feeling was intense, pure, it was the archetype of happiness. All Lucifer’s feelings were archetypical, and I wanted… no, I needed to keep feeling them. It was the most powerful drug in all existence, it got you hooked immediately. My torture would be my abstinence of not feeling Lucifer’s feelings ever again.

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