All Women Are Queens
As I came out, the portal I saw was in the middle of a wheat field. I’m pretty sure that I am on a farm somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Wait that means that really wasn’t a boba restaurant was it? Did my black a** really just get sent to another world? Nah there’s no way that’s really the case. Maybe I’ve been transported to a farm in the south or something. I know that doesn’t make any sense but it’s slightly less unbelievable that going to an entirely new dimension, maybe the CIA set this up, using innocent college boys as test subjects to try their transportation technology and hired child labor to lure people in. The first thing I do is check to make sure I got all my stuff on me. Glasses check, backpack from school check, copy of the U.S. Constitution in my back pocket check. I then realized that Will was nowhere to be seen. Did we get separated when we went through that portal? I hope nothing bad happened to him, like I entered somewhere safe and he entered falling from the sky or something. He could also be nearby so I decided to call out.
“WILLLLLL. YOU HERE? WHERE ARE YOU!” I yell. I don’t get a response.
All I can see is wheat. Well that wasn’t true I could see something in the distance. In the mountains was what looked like a castle and a bunch of faces on the side of the mountain? I can’t really tell. I have to get out of here so I start walking. After what felt like an hour I finally found a road, well, at least a dirt road. I guess I’m nowhere near civilization. I keep walking and I eventually see a village? That’s weird, it looks like a medieval town or one of those towns out of skyrim. Am I in the middle of a renaissance fair because if so they did a really good job. I walk in and dang these people look so authentic. They really look like poor peasants. I keep getting weird glances and I see a sign that says tavern. If I go in there maybe I can figure out where the heck Will is.
I enter and I see a bunch of wooden tables and a bartender working behind his table serving peasants drinks. I’m still getting weird looks from people. I really must be in the South because they are acting like they have never seen a black person before. Wait maybe I really am in an alternate world. There is only one way to find out. If these people are just cosplayers then I’m gonna make them break their role, otherwise I’ll know for sure that I’m in an alternate world. I stand on the nearest table and yell:
“I LOVE TRUMP. MAGA. HEIL HITLER”. I follow up with the nazi salute.
I wait to see if anyone will attack me on sight by either shooting me or throwing a molotov cocktail but nothing happens. There was just an awkward silence with me on top of a table and a whole tavern looking at me. After what felt like a minute they slowly started talking amongst each other again. I get down and go to the barkeep. Jesus I really am in an alternate world, everything that the loli goddess talked about must be real. OH NO HOW AM I GOING TO FINISH MY JUDICIAL BOARD OPINION? Then I realize that I won’t have to pay off college loans and I start to feel a bit better. The bartender came to where I was. He was a muscular man with a bald head and a black goatee.
“Ugh what can I get you foreigner”? He said.
I didn’t realize I actually had to order something. And that must be why everyone is looking at me funny. They must all think I’m a foreigner.
“Yeah you have any grape juice?” I ask.
He gives me the juice and I start to drink it. It is freaking awful. It tastes like what I imagine bleach mixed with diarrhea must taste like. I stop drinking and overhear some guys next to me start to talk about something.
“I really hope this adventurer the lord brought in kills that monster. If I lose any more crops then I’m not going to be able to pay tribute this month” he said.
“Don’t worry I heard the Lord brought in a tamer. She’s supposed to be really powerful or something like that.” his friend next to him said.
“Yeah but we don’t even know what the monster looks like. All we know is that it destroys crops and livestock. If you ask me they should have sent more than one of those adventurers. Or even better yet why didn’t they just send in some imperial troops?”
“I heard it was because they needed to protect the capital for that magical quake that happened earlier today” his friend said.
I don’t really know what they’re talking about. Magical quakes? TF is that? (TN: TF means “the fuck”). Tamer, adventurer, imperial troops? I decided to ask the bartender if he has seen Will.
“Hey buff man. Have you seen a skinny looking guy? Is really sarcastic, name’s William and looks foreign like me?” I asked.
“No, I haven’t seen anyone like that. Does he also yell at everyone in a tavern?” he said annoyed.
“Nah that’s just me. Plus it was a one time deal so don’t worry” I said.
I guess screaming at a tavern’s customers is kinda rude.
“If your friend is anywhere I would go check the capital. But be careful though that monster that’s been attacking our village hasn’t been slain yet” he told me.
“Where’s the capital?”
“It’s in the distance in the mountains. You know, where the big castle is. Can’t miss it” he said.
Ok looks like I’m gonna have to go on a freaking hike to get to some capital in the distance for the slight chance that Will is there. Well I got nothing better to do and I better try to find Will before I starve to death. He’s the only one with cash on him. Actually I’m pretty sure they won’t accept American dollars. Oh sh*t, how am I gonna pay for this nasty a** drink I ordered?
“Hey I gotta relieve myself or else I’m sh*tting on your floor” I said.
“Ugh, why’d you have to say that second part? The outhouse is in the front please use it, come back, pay, and never ever come to my tavern again” he told me.
I left outside and just started walking to the castle in the mountains I see in the distance. For you see, I lied. I did not have to use the bathroom, I just wanted to get out of there to avoid paying. I’m an evil genius. I’m at the outskirts of the village about to leave it to make my way to the capital where I see two guys in weird demon looking masks with knives robbing a girl.
“Come on baby show me what you got. If you don’t got the money, then you can give us some of the other goods if you catch my drift b*tch” one of them said.
The other one then started laughing. Oh hell nah I ain’t getting involved with this sh*t.
“PLEASE HELP ME” she screamed.
She looked right at me. Oh no, am I socially obligated to try to help her? I looked around to see if there was anyone else who could help but it was just me there. Great and I just can’t walk past them they’re kinda in the way and I don’t want to go into the mud off the road.
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU IM DEAF” I yelled
" HOW COME YOU RESPONDED TO ME FOREIGNER” she yelled back.
One of the guys then hit her in the stomach and she fell down to the floor. Ugh, I really just can’t stand by, I would regret it all the way to the capital and plus I’m pretty sure these guys are going to try to rob me now.
"Hehehehe. You really should have just walked away, foreigner. Your clothes truly are strange, I bet they’re worth a lot of money” one of them said to me.
Alright looks like I’m gonna have to eat a** and kick bubblegum. That’s the saying, right? Sounds about right.
“ALRIGHT! SQUARE UP, CRACKER" I yelled to them.
I took some boxing lessons in college and I’m sure none of that is gonna help but hey if Im gonna die then I can say I died in a cool way. It’ll be painful but cool. I then heard a voice coming from behind me.
“I HEAR THE CRIES OF A BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. I HAVE COME TO RESCUE THEE.”
I turned around and saw a guy in black knight armor. Except, this guy had a beer belly because the middle section of his armor protrude outwards. Kinda makes him look like he’s pregnant.
“Get out of here, fatso, unless you wanna die too. I know there’s no knight that fat” one of them said.
“Heh. You fiends don’t know who you’re messing with. I am Imperial Knight Luther! I am a master of the blade, have two girlfriends, both like sex"
“...........................” said everyone.
Is that like a status symbol here or something?
"....what?” said both of the thieves at the same time.
Ok guess that sentence was just as weird for me as it was for everyone else.
“Fiends I shall harm you for harming the most beautiful creature in the world. The female. You two should be on your knees praising the very ground she walks upon. I shall end you both here for such a heinous crime” he said.
I don’t really know what’s happening right now but I can’t look away now, this is amazing but I can’t describe how. I then felt a gust of wind which made me close my eyes. I opened them again and saw that he was behind one of the thieves. Dang fat guy can move quick. He then drew out what I think is a samurai sword?
"Fiend. Do you not know that all women are QUEENS! DEMON BLADE FIRST FIRE CONFIGURATION!”
His sword then lit on freaking fire. He then sliced the thief in the back and he was lit on fire and started screaming and running around.
“BROTHER!” the second one yelled. He then yelled and rushed toward the fat knight.
“You too shall fall by my demon blade. DEMON BLADE SECOND FIRE CONFIGURATION” he yelled.
His sword then lit on fire again and the fire freaking flew off his sword toward the thief running toward him. He too was then set on fire and they were both running around screaming until the flames consumed them and they fell to the ground dead.
“Good God” I said.
The knight ignored me and went up to the girl.
“My lady I have saved you from those heinous thieves. Would you do me the honor of becoming my third girlfriend”? He asked.
The girl just looked at him and said,
“um I have a boyfriend, but thank you for saving me”.
“Please my queen, you can leave him. Only I have the demon blade to protect you”
“No, no I’m ok. I’m gonna leave now, ok?”
she started running back toward the village, the fear of god in her eyes.
I don’t really know what just happened. On no now this guy is looking at me. I think things are only going to get weirder from here.