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Cosmic Love

Song - Cosmic Love By Florence + The Machine

While he showers I sit on my bed in a daze. I still feel that he’s just beyond my grasp, like if I reached out, my fingertips would graze him but I can’t hold on.

I don’t want to push him too far but he’s still holding back so much. I want to know who told him all of those lies about wolves. His mother didn’t seem particularly fond of us but I didn’t get the feeling she loathes us all, on sight.

His phone buzzing across my desk startles me from my reeling mind.

I lean forward just enough to see the name, Chase, flashing across the screen.

I lay back and rub my neck. I never thought a bite could feel like that. Just thinking about it makes my stomach clench. My emotions are everywhere. I can’t focus on any one specific feeling.

He steps out of the bathroom in sweatpants with his wet hair dripping and I have to look away before he sees me gaping at him.

“You got a phone call while you were showering,” I try to distract myself from his half naked body.

He visibly tenses and basically runs to the desk, “you didn’t answer it, did you?”

“Of course not.”

He looks at the notification and grits his teeth.

Nervousness fills me. His reaction is overly defensive and upset.

He storms out of the room to the guest room across the hall. I hear him pacing, heavy, angry steps back and forth.

I roll over in my bed and try to ignore the nagging worry in my chest. It feels like one step forward, two steps back.

“Can I lay down with you?”

His voice is sad and quiet.

“Yes.”

I try to hide the disappointment in my voice. Why would he react so strongly to receiving a phone call? Or be so suspicious that I would answer his phone?

I feel the bed dip behind me and his body slides in the space. After a moment of deafening silence he rolls onto his side, pressing his chest against my back. He brings his arm over my waist, holding me softly.

“I’m sorry I freaked out,” he whispers against my neck.

“Who called? Why did it make you so upset?”

“It was my friend Chase. I just don’t want you to deal with him yet.”

“Deal with him?”

“He can be... difficult.”

I nod and lean into him a bit, feeling the hard ridges of his body behind me.

“Do you like having so many brothers?”

He asks suddenly.

“Yes, I love it. We are pretty close in age so I always had best friends to play with. Why?”

“I was an only child. I always wanted siblings but after my dad...”

“I’m so sorry, Leo.”

He starts to tell me about his dad and I sit quiet and still, hoping he’ll keep talking. He tells me all the memories he has and the things that other people have told him. Apparently, they are very similar according to everyone who knew him.

“I was there when it happened,” his voice shakes and I roll over to face him.

“What do you mean, ‘you were there’?”

“When they killed my dad I was with him, he was getting me from my room. He protected me by hiding me under his desk but I heard everything.”

I hold his face in my hand and kiss his cheeks, tenderly.

“That’s awful! Leo, I can’t believe you witnessed that! I’m so sorry that happened to him.” I place a gentle kiss to his cheek.

He moves to lay his head over my chest.

“I love the sound of your heart,” he whispers so softly I barely hear it, “it’s so strange to feel your pulse. I never knew how much I would like that.”

He runs his hand over my wrist, feeling my blood pulse beneath my skin.

I run my fingers through his still damp hair, feeling completely content to lay in his arms. The passion, the pleasure, the heart pounding moments are great but this feels real.

I wanted him to want me so badly when we met, laying in this bed together makes me feel the connection I longed for.

“You’re relaxed,” he whispers, “your pulse is slow.”

“I’m comfortable and happy.”

“Me too.”

At some point I drift to sleep. The serene quiet falling around us pushing me to restful sleep.

I wake up in the darkness of the early morning hours, alone. I sit up in bed when I hear him. He’s in the guest room across the hall. I realize he’s talking and I jump up from the bed.

“Please, don’t let my dad be lecturing him,” I silently ask the Goddess.

It’s definitely not my dad. He must be on the phone.

“No!” He sounds frustrated, “I’m not distracted, Chase.”

-------

“I still know what I’m doing, relax.” It’s not convincing, though. I don’t believe him, I’m sure ‘Chase’ doesn’t either.

-------

“I’ll try to call you tomorrow.”

He groans angrily. I can feel the same stifling confusion pulling at him. His desire for me versus whatever is pulling him away.

I slip back to my room and lay awake in my bed. My head is spinning and a heavy sorrow settles in my chest.

I pull my hands over my eyes tightly as he comes back into the room. When he slides into bed his sharp inhale of breath lets me know that he can see that I’m awake.

“Nice chat?”

He pulls me into his chest and lets out a shaky breath, “I don’t know what to do, Bea.”

“Let me help you. I can feel that you’re fighting with yourself. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I can’t. You wouldn’t understand. Everything is so fucked up. Nothing is right, nothing is how it’s supposed to be.”

The strain in his voice makes my heart ache.

“Let me in, Leo. I would do anything for you, all you have to do is ask.”

He slams his lips down on mine and my heart ignites with fear and frustration. What is he afraid of?

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