Above the Darkness

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Reflections

I woke up and all I saw was me. Reflections everywhere I turned. I tried to walk one way but immediately ran into myself. There were high walls of what appeared to be mirrors. It was bright but confusing. I didn’t know which way to turn. I thought I was in a maze. What was going on? Is this another dimension or am I having a real dream? Where were my helpers? Where was Ruth?

I sat on the ground then curled up into a ball. I was scared, and this time no one was here for me. I began to cry. I felt like giving up. I didn’t want to walk through this dimension and I was more scared now, then I was in any of the other ones. The only thing I had to face here was me.

I heard a whisper in the distance. It was saying my name in a beautiful lullaby way that eased my fear. I sat up, and then eventually stood up. I couldn’t believe how I was acting. I am more mature than this. I know I can do this, this was nothing. It was just a bunch of mirrors, showing me, me! I was being ridiculous. I pushed myself to try and walk through the frustrating maze.

As I got further the mirrors not only showed me reflections of me but they also began to play movie-like images of when I was younger, up to as recent as yesterday.

One of the movies was so enchanting I couldn’t stop watching. I felt like I stood there for hours. It was me, as a toddler, drawing a picture of a dog, however, it didn’t look like one when it was done; it looked like a bunch of scribbles. I was so proud of myself for drawing this awesome picture that I tried showing it to everyone. I waddled over to my mom first. She was on the phone talking obnoxiously to one of her friends while drinking of course. I held up the picture and said, “Doggy! Doggy!” It was one of my first words.

When I showed her the picture she barely glanced down at me, and carried on. I did it again, then once more, with still no response. I then tried to run over to my father who was watching T.V. On the way there I fell, but it didn’t bother me at all; I was determined. When I approached him I tried to hold up my picture but, he just shoved me away. I didn’t try again with him because I was scared he would hurt me more.

I continued to try and show it to everyone in the house, but no one seemed to care. Some of my siblings looked at it but that was it. Even Jordan said, “That’s not a doggy, it’s a bunny!” I then watched my toddler-self cry alone by the doorway. I wanted to leave even when I was that young. I knew something wasn’t right. Just like I know something isn’t right now.

“Do you understand now?” A familiar sweet whisper asked me. I didn’t see where the voice was coming from. All I could see was me.

“Understand what? And who is this? Show yourself.” I demanded, out of frustration.

“I cannot show myself. I can only show you. I do not exist physically, only spiritually.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, becoming more irritated by the second.

“I am the force that helps you find you. I show you your reflection. It would not help if I were to show you myself. All you need to know is that I am no more, or less,than you. By not seeing me, you can’t compare yourself against me, as you do with people in your life.”

“Compare? I don’t compare.” I denied.

“You don’t? What about your thoughts about the police. How it’s their job and not yours. You are using them to put yourself down. They are no more or less than you. You are part of the same force, but you do have a different purpose. And I must emphasize, different, not better or worse, but different.” The sweet but confident voice said.

“But I don’t know my purpose, or what my job really is. Everyone keeps telling me I have one but, I don’t know what it is. I am walking blindly.”

“Look at yourself, and your journey thus far. That will give you all the answers you need. I am leaving now but, take this opportunity to really look at you. What does that toddler say about you? What can she do for you now?”

I continued to look at myself as a toddler and think about what the voice said. Maybe she is right, maybe all the answers were here. A feeling in my gut told me I was doing what I was supposed to do but, I was still fearful, and didn’t know why.

I looked at the cute chubby-cheeked toddler dressed in a fuzzy baby pink sleeper crying. That’s why. I didn’t want to put all this work into something and end up crying. I admired how proud that toddler was of her picture and how determined she was to get someone to look at it. I thought of words that would describe her; cute, smart, creative, confident, passionate, determined. However, are these words I would use to describe myself now? Probably not, but maybe I should. Or, maybe I should allow myself to embrace these qualities that I forgot about and left behind.

I knew it wasn’t that little girl’s fault that nobody paid attention to her. She had every right to draw that picture and be proud of it. It was those people’s loss for not taking part in her accomplishment. Maybe just because other people can’t see or, choose not to see the importance in something I was doing, didn’t mean I should stop doing it. And I certainly shouldn’t stop doing something because I am afraid of rejection.

I kept walking in the mirror maze, and saw thousands of images of myself. It became clearer and clearer to me who I was and where I was supposed to be going. I could see that finding the truth for Ruth was not just a favour for her, but also for me. It pushed me forward and forced me to take courageous steps.

I felt like I was getting closer to the end of the maze, yet it seemed to keep going. Was I going in circles? Maybe there was something else I had to figure out before I got out of here.

The experience still didn’t tell me much about my future. I knew I was heading in the right direction but, I was looking for more definite answers. Maybe there are no definite answers? But how could there not be when the helpers told me there was something definite? Or maybe I have to decide that. If I was in one of their positions, what would I be good at?

The mirror before me started to play out like a movie. This time I was five and I was in a classroom during play time. I sat in a chair with a big flowery hat on my head, a red boa around my neck, a simple purple dress and bright fluorescent pink tights. I couldn’t help laughing at the sight of myself. Apparently I was a judge. All of my friends lined up before me to be judged. I would send them to heaven, hell or, make them prove to me they deserved to be in heaven. That year, I was more into the Catholic religion and, it was a Catholic school, so all of us kids believed in heaven and hell with no hesitation.

It looked as though, in this scenario, I was playing God. Wouldn’t my friends get a boy to do that? Or maybe the he part wasn’t as important to us as the being judged part. And I judged them so quickly! They barely said a word to me and I would make my decision.

I knew that wasn’t going to be my role later in life, the almighty God. That would be crazy. Although, maybe my job was to judge? Judge what though? And if I am no better or less than anyone else, how would I have the right to judge? If I was no longer a human, maybe my wisdom to judge others would be coming from somewhere else? Somewhere beyond what can be seen. I know I have always had a good judge of character. I never made bad friends, and when I didn’t have a choice, I simply chose not to have friends.

Maybe it’s my ability to tap into the truth in everyone. But why was it so hard for me to see the truth in my father, besides the monster I see him as. How could he only be a monster? Do monsters exist? Are there some people or entities that are just simply that? Simply horrible? But if there is no true evil energy, how could those people exist? I know in Herosavieltun evil did exist, but those incidences didn’t really happen; they were just there to teach people something. Could the evil that happens on Earth just be a severe way of teaching, like my lesson on compassion? Why does such horrible things have to happen in order for people to find compassion? Shouldn’t we already be that way?

Although, if no bad things ever happened, Earth might be somewhat boring. Not to mention, there would be no need for compassion because there would be no opportunities to reach out to someone. So, why can’t it just be that simple? Why can’t there be only good and why can’t everyone be happy?

If that were the case, most of our human emotions wouldn’t exist. But would that be so horrible?

Another image appeared before me. It wasn’t my life, or not one I could remember. It was the same instance of when I was a toddler, except, this time everyone came over to see my picture and praised me for it. It showed me what it would look like if my family was perfect. I noticed how different I was. I was arrogant, selfish, mean to people when I didn’t get my way. Also, I didn’t try as hard in school because I felt like I didn’t need to, and therefore, didn’t do as well. On top of all of that, I had no real friendships because I wasn’t even real. My head was always in a place of feeling superior. But, I noticed, I forgot about other people in my life. I forgot about the animals, trees and the mountains. I appreciated nothing. Nothing could ever fulfill me. I asked for the most expensive toy and I got it. I never said thank you, and I wasn’t even satisfied with my toy because it wasn’t “good” enough.

After seeing this scenario it became clear to me why we have to go through tough times. We need to develop character, and developing a moral and amazing character is hard work. I would rather be the person I am today, than the person I saw in the alternate option.

As I came to this realization, I finally saw something other than myself standing in front of me; Ruth. “Hello sister,” She greeted me sweetly.

“Hi.”

“I am very proud of you. You did a lot of work on yourself tonight.”

“Thank you.”

“I am here to answer some of your questions. I would have done this from the beginning but, I needed to know that you were willing to put the work in for yourself, and that you would be able to understand. I know now, more than ever, I can trust you.”

I felt as if sweet, warm honey poured into my heart. I was glad to hear her kind words. “What questions are you willing to answer?”

“Well, I still can’t tell you what happened to me but, I think you do have enough evidence to go to the police now. You have taken many risks for me and I appreciate it. But I don’t want you to take any more serious risks without the police backing you up, because you could get seriously hurt.” Her eyes looked at me with a mature concern. She had grown up beyond the human years. I believed every word she said.

“Ok. That is good to know.”

“Also, after you tell the police and the truth comes out, I have to warn you that your life and the rest of our family’s lives will drastically change. And, it may not seem the best at first but, you have to trust me, and your guides that it is for the best. You will then truly be able to move forward with your purpose.”

“Can you give me a clue as to what this purpose is? They showed me an image of me judging my friends, does that have anything to do with it?”

“Not really, because it is all about a reflection of you and what you do, not just to others but to yourself, and I think you did what you were supposed to do after that image; judge what is good and bad, just like you were trying to do as a child.”

“Oh I see. So… are you able to give me a clue?” I pushed, anxious about the future.

“Haha. No. You would know better than I, anyways. Remember all of the answers are right here in front of you.”

“Right. Who was that talking by the way? You? And what is this place called?”

“No, it was not me, but you. And let’s just call this place after its purpose, Reflection.”

“Me?” I asked, unsure of her answer.

“It is difficult to understand but it was you. The you that is already in the place you are to be. You will soon see the truth, all truths. I love you and I must go now. Good Luck.”

“Wait!” I yelled with frustration. I needed more questions answered. But she disappeared immediately. I guess, it was like she said; all of the answers were right here in front of me, but how can that be? And if they are, they must be hidden. Why are they hidden? “Because you must go on the journey to find them.” I heard the voice again. It didn’t sound at all like me, and if it was me, it must be a much older, wiser me. It reminded me of a sweet, yet smart, strong and healthy grandmother. I don’t know how I could tell all of this from just a voice but I could, and it was very apparent.

Although this voice was comforting, and I enjoyed seeing Ruth, I wanted to see my other helpers. A part of me missed them, like they were family. They had not spoken to me since the letter and, I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to see them again.

I remembered that I still had the letter in my pocket. I pulled it out to read. Even though they were not there with me, just reading their wise words gave me even more strength and reassurance. I felt like a plant, on a sunny day, just after the rain. My thirst was quenched, and now, I was being fed fresh warm bread. I felt myself growing from inside out.

From Oochoo: Be unseen. Move only when safe.

From Goasila: When time is limited, slow down to take a closer look.

From Mazfanny: Laugh quietly. Step lightly.

From Vincent: Remember – Purpose.

From Harmony: I believe in you, now believe in yourself.

The last two entries struck me the most. I knew they were more closely related than I initially thought. In believing in myself, I was more likely to achieve my purpose. I had to trust the guides’ wisdom, and myself. Seeing my reflection gave me insight into who I was, who I am, and who I ought to be. I stood up straighter, with my head held high; I was proud, proud of Elizabeth.

Just then, the walls started to shrink smaller, and the mirrors began to fade. It was getting darker and darker. When the walls and mirrors disappeared it was completely black; all but a small pool of water remained shimmering like the Milky Way, I couldn’t help myself but, be drawn to it. I kept getting closer and closer until, I found myself stepping into it. I looked down and saw my reflection in the water, except this time I looked different. I was old, yet vibrant. My light brown eyes and grey hair glistened with spirit. I never noticed how beautiful my smile was until now.

I didn’t look beautiful in the conventional sense, but in a much different way. I considered myself stunning. It was the energy that I felt from myself coming from this reflection. It was almost as if I was looking at Jesus, Mother Theresa, Ghandi or any other spiritual icon. I felt completely in harmony with this spirit that was so clearly mine.

I walked farther into the pool of water until, I was fully immersed. I felt one with the warm, soothing water. The connection was so unbelievable it was as if my body melted into the essence of the pool to hibernate there for a long needed rest.

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