I wonder what it was like to be loved.
I’ve been in my jar for so long that I can’t remember what it feels like.
Did it feel like a warmth spreading through your veins as you smiled and didn’t know why? Or was it something that people just brushed off and didn’t even think about? I do remember my family, but I can’t remember what love felt like.
I remember my older brother and two younger sisters, I also remember my mother and father. I don’t remember any of their names, but I can picture them in my mind. It’s kind of strange, actually, I can remember them like a photo in my mind.
I see all six of us smiling at something in the distance. My older brother and I stand in front of my parents whilst each having our hands on our little sisters’ shoulders. Our faces are slightly blurry, but I can identify who is who.
Every time I see this image in my head, it’s like I’m dropping in on that exact moment in my past; except everything is frozen and I’m the only thing moving.
When I first arrived at the curing jars and realised that I could see this image, I spent hours upon hours screaming at the frozen people in my mind. I’d scream and scream at them to say something until it was nighttime and I had tears streaming down my face. I only stopped when They threatened to put me in the ‘shaming jars.’
The ‘shaming jars’ were jars placed quite a lot lower than the rest of the jars; they were at the height that the monsters that pass us on a daily basis and scorn us can smack the jar around. They spit in the jars, they flick at the cowering people inside, they laugh openly, they torture and taunt those in the ‘shaming jars’ until they are even more of an empty shell of a person than when they first arrived in them.
But the worst part about being in the shaming jars? They make you stay alive to endure day after day of this inhumane torturing. They will not let you die, They wait until your body is bruised and your mental health is irretrievable, and then they put you in a completely different jar and place a lid on it, stopping oxygen from entering your jar and making you die slowly and painfully.
That’s usually how the newbies die.