Get Free Copy

100 free copies left

This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.

0
Free copies left
You can choose from our best books below
Greg Whittle would love your feedback! Got a few minutes to write a review?
Write a Review

Resurrection sucks

By Greg Whittle All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Fantasy

Blurb

This is the story of Harold, a man who died but was resurrected against his will. This is the story of his attempts to die again, as told by a narrator who doesn't much like him.

Chapter 1

Harold groaned as he lifted his lumbering frame from his stair lift and groaned his way towards his bed. ‘I’m getting too old for this shit’ he thought to himself as he lazily kicked off his slippers and removed his dressing gown, revealing his naked saggy body beneath. He sat on the edge of the bed and removed his dentures with his wrinkly, liver spotted hands. Harold was right, he was getting too old for this shit, and that’s why god chose exactly that moment to give Harold a fatal heart attack. Harold was a miserable man, the kind of man that alienated anyone he spoke to, and on the odd occasion that someone found his grumpy persona to be likeable and charming, he made sure to try doubly hard to insult them. His wife Maud had passed fifteen years ago and he had been alone almost all of that time. He had very briefly had a couple of nurses, but his crude comments and physical groping had got the better of all of them,. That was why, whilst Harold’s decrepit old body flailed miserably on the floor like a washing machine on a trampoline, no one was around to help. Or to care.

Harold opened his eyes, immediately assuming his default position of, pissed off. ‘Where the fuck am i’ he thought as he strained his eyes to see through the blinding whiteness that seemed to be emanating from every direction, ‘turn the bleeding lights down would ya? Can’t see a fucking thing here’ Harold shouted as his eyes adjusted. When at last his vision had returned Harold was surprised to see that he was standing on what appeared to be a cloud, in front of what appeared to be a set of giant pearly gates. Standing in the centre of the gateway was undeniably an angel, she was dressed in a flowing white toga, bearing a sticker above her right breast that read: hello my name is; Gabriel.

‘Hello Harold’ she sang in the most beautiful voice Harold had ever heard.

Harold cautiously took a step towards Gabriel, clearly mistrustful of this rather peculiar turn of events.

‘Do not fear Harold, you have been granted entry into the gates of heaven, come i shall take you to your wife’

At the mention of Maud, Harold’s stone heart melted, his eyes filled with tears at the mere prospect that he would be reunited with his beloved for the rest of eternity. Harold quickly stepped towards the angel Gabriel, and then promptly vanished.

‘Well that wasn’t supposed to happen’ Gabriel stated, to no one in particular.

Harold had quite frankly grown bored of opening his eyes and discovering he was somewhere new, he hadn’t minded it the first time as he’d awoken in heaven, however this time he appeared to have awoken in the middle of a western movie, and was most definitely not inside his own body. In fact Harold had awoken in the small town of Amherst, situated within the state of Texas, which was in turn situated within the country of northern america. As to the body, a cursory glance at his hands had revealed he was in fact now black, and judging by the two growths on his chest, he had his suspicions that he was also a woman. Harold had briefly considered putting his hand down his trousers in order to confirm his theory, but having never been resurrected before he wasn’t entirely sure of the polite social conventions, and couldn’t decide whether or not that constituted a gross invasion of privacy.

‘How has this happened’ Harold grumbled to himself, entirely overlooking the miraculous chance to start over he had been granted. ‘Not only am i back on this wretched planet, but i’m a fucking subspecies’ Harold racistly remarked to himself because Harold was, in case you hadn't noticed by now, an absolute cunt.

I would now like to take a moment to explain exactly what kind of story this is. Most books feature a passive narrator who will dutifully describe in very biased detail exactly what is happening. This is not that kind of story, and i am not that kind of a narrator. Instead i am the kind of who has no reservations about telling the truth, which is why i feel comfortable calling the man, who is unfortunately our protagonist, a cunt. I also harbour no issues with elaborating on that description and describing Harold as a grotesque piece of human shit who serves as nothing more than a stunning example of why abortions should be legalised. Now that we are all on the same page so to speak, i think we should continue with our story.

Continue Reading Next Chapter
Further Recommendations

Tavis Ryan King: "What Happened to Charlie Carmine" is a fabulous mo-gee-toe cocktail fuelled midget orgy of psychology, fantasy and sarcasm. I laughed out loud when reading this novel so many times it made the London commuters I shared space with look at me with curious disdain - and I did not care. [Rating: 4....

Jessica Esa: With a tantalising end to the first chapter, the authour has given us a treat and a welcome addition to the fantasy adventure genre. To limit it to just such would be an injustice however, as this novel clearly draws on elements of historical fiction, fairy tale and horror. Simply, there's someth...

LeahWrites: I love your use of writer's craft and how you use figurative language to enhance your writing. It great how you didn't have any spelling or grammar issues.

SPepper: I had a hard time putting this book down even to go to sleep. The story is compelling and beautifully character driven. I hope author will make this a series.

ernbelle: When I first started this story I was a little unsettled by all of the information that appears in the prologue, and wasn't sure if I would continue. However, I am very glad I did. The plot was very well thought out and really interesting. There were not any page breaks or markers to acknowledge ...

maewilde25: I am so in love with this story!!! captivated me till the very end, there wasn't a dull moment. Didn't particularly enjoy the lay out and some bits of info was missing along with how a 21 year old man amassed so much wealth that needed to be explained other than that and a few spelling errors, th...

Felisa Yoder Osburn: I really enjoyed the story. Civil War stories are some of my favorites and the intertwining of the past with current times was wonderful. I look forward to reading the next stories.

Alani Foreigner: I absolutely loved how you created this story. It isn't like the other cliché stories I've ever read. I had just started reading it yesterday and just had to finish it. The main characters are grotesquely awesome and I fell in love with them. If you're into fantasy and stuff I can guarantee that ...

Alkira Joan: I omg I am honestly speechless I couldn't stop cry it's so sad I wish it had a better ending and they would all be happy and the end is their going to be a second book?thanks for the amaZing story xoxox

More Recommendations

Ruby0h: Overall I thought your story was really good! It drew me in right away and kept me interested as the story progressed. I loved the character of Kayla being inserted into this story, and the way she affected and shaped the life of the original story into something totally new and interesting. I lo...

Kevin Brand: My overall rating: 4.8/5 starsLoved. Every. Second. Everytime I came back to continue reading I got this overwhelming feeling of getting hooked on the first sentence... Over and over and again!The only things that were missing for me include more descriptions on what happens when Reuben touches s...

Sabrina Ettey: The story plot is great. I loved it. Just the grammar punctuation and writing style was kind of distracting. But with the smooth polishing, it may shine like a pearl. :)

alicialinglitter: The book was amazing! It was not exactly the cliche which is hard to find now a days but the unique plot just blew me away. Of course, there’s the cliche ending, but what’s a good book without one? Bravo

Shweta Somwanshi: I just chose to read this out of nowhere and now I can't stop. Hats off to the author who made the reader swoon away with words so beautifully! I loved how I was able to imagine everything so explicitly because the writing was simple and easily comprehensive with a touch of complexity somewhere b...

genlynne2379: I read the other review of this book and I must say that I disagree with it wholeheartedly. I do not believe the author put the apostrophes in the names just to be unique, but because the characters are supposedly of a different race than humans. They are Anmah. They should have different names a...

About Us:

Inkitt is the world’s first reader-powered book publisher, offering an online community for talented authors and book lovers. Write captivating stories, read enchanting novels, and we’ll publish the books you love the most based on crowd wisdom.