Get Free Copy

100 free copies left

This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.

0
Free copy left
You can read our best books
Greg Whittle would love your feedback! Got a few minutes to write a review?
Write a Review

Resurrection sucks

By Greg Whittle All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Fantasy

Blurb

This is the story of Harold, a man who died but was resurrected against his will. This is the story of his attempts to die again, as told by a narrator who doesn't much like him.

Chapter 1

Harold groaned as he lifted his lumbering frame from his stair lift and groaned his way towards his bed. ‘I’m getting too old for this shit’ he thought to himself as he lazily kicked off his slippers and removed his dressing gown, revealing his naked saggy body beneath. He sat on the edge of the bed and removed his dentures with his wrinkly, liver spotted hands. Harold was right, he was getting too old for this shit, and that’s why god chose exactly that moment to give Harold a fatal heart attack. Harold was a miserable man, the kind of man that alienated anyone he spoke to, and on the odd occasion that someone found his grumpy persona to be likeable and charming, he made sure to try doubly hard to insult them. His wife Maud had passed fifteen years ago and he had been alone almost all of that time. He had very briefly had a couple of nurses, but his crude comments and physical groping had got the better of all of them,. That was why, whilst Harold’s decrepit old body flailed miserably on the floor like a washing machine on a trampoline, no one was around to help. Or to care.

Harold opened his eyes, immediately assuming his default position of, pissed off. ‘Where the fuck am i’ he thought as he strained his eyes to see through the blinding whiteness that seemed to be emanating from every direction, ‘turn the bleeding lights down would ya? Can’t see a fucking thing here’ Harold shouted as his eyes adjusted. When at last his vision had returned Harold was surprised to see that he was standing on what appeared to be a cloud, in front of what appeared to be a set of giant pearly gates. Standing in the centre of the gateway was undeniably an angel, she was dressed in a flowing white toga, bearing a sticker above her right breast that read: hello my name is; Gabriel.

‘Hello Harold’ she sang in the most beautiful voice Harold had ever heard.

Harold cautiously took a step towards Gabriel, clearly mistrustful of this rather peculiar turn of events.

‘Do not fear Harold, you have been granted entry into the gates of heaven, come i shall take you to your wife’

At the mention of Maud, Harold’s stone heart melted, his eyes filled with tears at the mere prospect that he would be reunited with his beloved for the rest of eternity. Harold quickly stepped towards the angel Gabriel, and then promptly vanished.

‘Well that wasn’t supposed to happen’ Gabriel stated, to no one in particular.

Harold had quite frankly grown bored of opening his eyes and discovering he was somewhere new, he hadn’t minded it the first time as he’d awoken in heaven, however this time he appeared to have awoken in the middle of a western movie, and was most definitely not inside his own body. In fact Harold had awoken in the small town of Amherst, situated within the state of Texas, which was in turn situated within the country of northern america. As to the body, a cursory glance at his hands had revealed he was in fact now black, and judging by the two growths on his chest, he had his suspicions that he was also a woman. Harold had briefly considered putting his hand down his trousers in order to confirm his theory, but having never been resurrected before he wasn’t entirely sure of the polite social conventions, and couldn’t decide whether or not that constituted a gross invasion of privacy.

‘How has this happened’ Harold grumbled to himself, entirely overlooking the miraculous chance to start over he had been granted. ‘Not only am i back on this wretched planet, but i’m a fucking subspecies’ Harold racistly remarked to himself because Harold was, in case you hadn't noticed by now, an absolute cunt.

I would now like to take a moment to explain exactly what kind of story this is. Most books feature a passive narrator who will dutifully describe in very biased detail exactly what is happening. This is not that kind of story, and i am not that kind of a narrator. Instead i am the kind of who has no reservations about telling the truth, which is why i feel comfortable calling the man, who is unfortunately our protagonist, a cunt. I also harbour no issues with elaborating on that description and describing Harold as a grotesque piece of human shit who serves as nothing more than a stunning example of why abortions should be legalised. Now that we are all on the same page so to speak, i think we should continue with our story.

Continue Reading Next Chapter
Further Recommendations

ernbelle: When I first started this story I was a little unsettled by all of the information that appears in the prologue, and wasn't sure if I would continue. However, I am very glad I did. The plot was very well thought out and really interesting. There were not any page breaks or markers to acknowledge ...

CurlyRed: I read this entire book in just under 4 hours I COULD NOT PUT IT DOWN! i found myself emotionally attached to the characters and making personal connections that i had never experienced before while reading a book! I was constantly wanting to read more, every chapter left me on a cliff hanger tha...

Arabella: The catchy blurb caught my attention. The story is creepy but I would not qualify it as a horror story. The characters are likeable and I’m impatiently waiting for new stories from Obsidian Fae.

ynez2005: I LOVE THIS BOOK SOOOOO MUCH!!!!Though you really need to make another book,more Princesses!!! Whoooo!!!Girl Power!!!Mabey it could even be Devona's BFF???That would make it even better!!!Plus can you pleeease make Akki come back,together with Thea and Authur amd the whole family is back!Other th...

diabolka: This book is a fascinating twist on mythology, fantasy and romance genre. The author has done a fantastic job combining Greek mythology with a modern day twist, tying in a plot that offers twists and turns that are both expected and unexpected. The hero, Ross, and heroine, Antara, are complex, ...

Mourn8220House: When first reading "Avarice," I thought it would be another fairytale but I was taken back the author's approach and choice of ending. There is little to be said for the story and overall plot besides the sudden twists and speculation, other than that I do not want to ruin a fantastic tale, you m...

Lauren Sanby: This is an excellent story. Very gripping and keeps your attention throughout. Hoping the author is writing a sequel because I'd love to read more about Rhi and Andreas and find out what else Rhi is able to do with her powers.

Pille: I have never read a ... werewolf/urban fantasy/any other genre ... story with this brutal honesty about kidnapping and mafia. It was a chilling experience but you also managed to write it as the best thriller and also give it a happy end. I must praise you for the amazing writing skills you have...

Alex Rushmer: This was not what I expected, but I enjoyed it a lot Malfoy was always one of the characters that I liked a lot, so I like that a lot of this happens between him and Colette. I read the first couple chapters, and I enjoyed your writing style and am excited to see where you take this story. My com...

More Recommendations

spec4huff: Thank you for creating this world. I am a 6'3" veteran that thinks himself tough. But the piece of literature you have created made me misty eyed on a number of occasions. I want a love like this. Thank you again, I would totally buy this book and hopefully the sequels to this ever enchanting lov...

spooky jedi: Love your story!I really hope more people read this story!Its amazing!! The plot is very unique and different, which is very good to have in a world full of stories. You have very complex and intellectual plot line, with your many loveable character and that hint of 'will they, won't they' is ju...

Theresa Alley: right from the start it is of the genre I love!! And it doesn't slow down from there!! I love that it kept me reading til I had no more story left to read!! I finished it in one day!! love this book!! looking forward to more from this author, if not about ASTA, more of the same style!! PLEASE!!!???

Stephen Warner: To start off, I am thoroughly impressed. The writing style is somewhat unique, and the plot seemed to move at a nice and steady pace. However, I was not expecting this to be a vampire book! I am usually not one for novels about vampires, but I was pleasantly surprised! You wrote with such grace a...