Solely Yours

The city moved beneath me like clockwork, never pausing for a breath. My legs dangled dangerously over the edge of the building, teasing gravity and death. The people below were oblivious to my existence, looking like ants scampering on the cracked pavement. Cars roared on the nearby highway, driving towards the horizon and whatever lies beyond it. The wind whipped my long tangled hair across my face, causing it to stick to my tear stained cheeks. Planes soared loudly above, like a large metal bird asserting dominance on all of us.

A choked sob escaped my throat, unleashing a new wave of tears. My grip tightened on the gun in my right hand, turning my knuckles a pale white. Am I really about to do this? I don’t even know if it’s loaded…

I lay down, still letting my legs hang over the edge of the building. Tears began to stream more freely down my face, as I gazed up at the sky, admiring the stars in their full form. The only way to describe it, as if it was a black cloth, shining diamond dust sprinkled across it. The glow that was emitted from each one of those diamonds, helped lighten this earth, just a little bit more. The moon was in its full state, overpowering the glow of the stars. It was almost always there. Just observing human kind and the poisoned earth that it inhabited. I could almost feel it’s icy glare judging me for being so weak.

I closed my eyes, just letting the tears out. Am I really ready to do this? To end it all? My mind felt like a tornado was inside, spinning my thoughts 100 miles an hour. It felt clouded, dangerous even with thoughts of death poisoning my mentality. The sobbing grew harder, more painful as I grieved. Deep breaths. Come on Kali, this is ridiculous. I scolded myself. You’re fine, just take deep breaths. In, out, in and out.

Continuing this breathing for around a half hour, my mind soon became clear, and less clouded. The tornado in my head stopped raging and confusing me, and all seemed peaceful in my head, except for the venomous thoughts that whispered in my ear. I could see everything clearly in my head, and was able to tell my thoughts from my memories. Memories of her.

I remember the afternoon we met. The sun was shining, smiling down on humanity as we went about our day. It was in the middle of summer, so instead of going to the nearby crowded beach, I left to go chill in the park which was sure to be close to empty. I had found a spot underneath a large willow tree, near the edge of the park so I could watch the world go by and not be bothered. The sun had made the air warm, causing me to feel drowsy. I fell into a trance-like state, where I was almost asleep, but my eyes were slightly open and I was still aware of my body.

I could almost swear I was dreaming when I first saw her. She was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen, with long waist length hair the colour of strawberries, and shining forest green eyes. She was dressed in a mint green tye-dye shirt which was tucked into her grey denim shorts, and wearing matching green sandals. She was holding a little boy’s hand, his hair the shining colour of fire, and his eyes a honey gold. He looked around 7 or 8, while his sister looked around my age.

I sat up, in awe of this angel of a girl. The little boy examined the empty playground and field, a smile on his freckled face. He caught sight of me staring at them like a goldfish and his smile broke into a grin. He tugged on his sister’s shirt and pointed at me, saying something inaudible to my ears. She looked up at me, her vibrant shining eyes meeting mine. My heart skipped a beat, and my breath caught. In my chest I felt a spark of attraction and longing. Longing for her.

I don’t know how long we were in that state, but soon her younger brother let out a laugh that rung through the air. Our heads snapped in his direction, a chuckle escaping my lips when I saw him upside down off the monkey bars. Another laugh was heard, a happy sound that sounded smooth and joyful. I looked in the direction of the sound, already knowing the source. The laugh had come from her, her face all scrunched up and smiling. It made her look adorable and it made me grin from ear to ear. She caught sight of me once she stopped laughing. She raised her eyebrow at me, her lips curling into a smirk. I immediately blushed and looked away. I glanced back up shyly, to see if she was still smirking at me. She was walking in my direction, her happy smile back on her face. I blushed even harder, praying the shade from the tree was enough to disguise my embarrassment.

She sat down next to me and introduced herself as Fae. We fell into deep conversation with each other, relaxing in the comfort of the willow tree. As the day grew older, a foundation was slowly being laid between us. A foundation of friendship that I will forever treasure, even after it blossomed into something more.

Months went by, and during this time she became my best friend. We spent almost every day together and discovered we shared many different hobbies, interests and dislikes. We even found out we went to the same university. I learned she was studying genetics, a topic that always fascinated her. How the great lottery of life worked, and how she ended up the way that she did. How everyone ended up the way that they did.

Our times together were always special. Fae had a way of making me feel special, precious and safe, while also giving me countless butterflies. One of our happiest times together was when she came out to me as a lesbian. I squealed with joy and hugged her around the waist, lifting her in the air and swinging her around. I was laughing with joy while she kept laughing and screaming for me to put her down. When I finally did put her down, we were both a couple of hysterical messes. I was still giggling my head off from her squealing, and when I glanced up at her to catch her glaring at me, I collapsed backwards onto her couch laughing. She laughed at my reaction, and then her face lit up suddenly. She rushed to her phone and turned it on, connecting it to the large sound system in the corner. Blasting upbeat music from the speakers, she grabbed my hand and pulled me off the couch. She began to do this crazy dance, causing me to laugh and join her.

I don’t know how long we were in that state. Just without a care in the world, dancing the day away together. I could’ve spent eternity like that, with her, just dancing. It came to an end when the sun started going down. The light of the sunset shone through the window, illuminating the room in a heavenly glow. The music died down to a quiet hum, as I stood still in the Center of the room, tired and out of breath. Fae walked over to me, also puffed out from the dancing. Taking my hands in hers, she rested her forehead against mine, both of us heaving for breath.

“You know I love you, right?” She asked.

My breath caught, and I stood deathly still. Butterflies swarmed my stomach, and my heart started beating so fast I was scared I might have a heart attack. I’d only read about feeling like this in books, and even now the normal butterflies seemed overly intimidating to me.

“Y-you do?” I choked out. My eyes met hers, the pupils of her forest green glare dilated.

“Well duh. Who do you think made me realise I liked girls Kali?” She laughed. Her hands slipped from mine and landed on my waist, pulling me closer to her.

“I love you too…” I mumbled, flustered at her sudden forwardness.

“Wait, really? I thought you wouldn’t be interested” she replied startled.

“Well of course silly” I chuckled. “But I do have a question…” I continued, a smirk on my face.

“What is it?” Fae questioned, her eyebrow raised at my expression.

“Do I make you…. Nervous?” I teased. I lifted my hand to the back of her head and began to run my fingers through her hair. I heard a gasp escape her lips and the unmistakable blush forming on her face.

“Is that a yes Fa-“

Fae silenced me mid sentence, her lips locking with mine. Her hands cupped my face as I slipped my arm around her waist, bringing her closer and never wanting to let go. Fae deepened the kiss, adrenaline rushing through me. The butterflies were overpowering in my chest, the feeling of longing quenched but the need to be held by Fae grew. It was the happiest moment of my life. Feeling forever safe, and forever loved.

If only it could truly last forever.

Me and Fae began dating soon after. We spent every waking and spare moment together, constantly surprising the other with gifts, or new activities for our dates. Even if we only sat together in a room in silence, I always enjoyed her company.

We’d been dating for almost a year when it happened. Me and Fae had just finished our first class for the day, and we’re on our way to the park after picking up coffee. Since our next class was after lunch, we had heaps of time to relax, so we decided to take the scenic route to the park.

The scenic route was along a long road, practically deserted. There were no houses along that street, and it was always peaceful and quiet with next to no cars driving along it.

But It was unusually quiet that particular morning. Almost as if the world was holding its breath, frozen and silent as it waited to see what would unfold.

Walking hand in hand along the abandoned road, Fae was full of life and laughter that morning. Constantly cracking jokes, I practically was crying with laughter. We were too distracted to see the lone white van slowly following us closely.

It all happened in less than a minute. The van pulled over and parked, the noise causing us to look back and see 3 masked men jump out of the van and rush towards us.

Completely alone with only each other to help defend ourselves, I screamed at Fae, telling her to run. I dropped my drink and whipped my pocket knife out of my pocket, ready to inflict some damage towards the attackers. I raised the knife, completely unaware of what I was going to do.

The first guy ran straight towards me, a dangerous look in his eyes. I ran to greet him, and swung my knife, slicing it across his chest. A scream of agony was heard and he fell to the ground in pain, but not dead.

I was all of a sudden pushed over from behind, collapsing onto the ground and nearly cutting myself from the open blade. I rolled over in an attempt to get away, but was held still. They held my hands behind my back, as I shrieked for help. I begin to kick and scream trying to break free, wondering why the attacker wasn’t doing anything.

I heard Fae scream, and I whipped my head around in her direction. She was being carried over someone’s shoulder, punching and kicking the man carrying her. I screamed at her, trying to get out of the person who was holding me’s grasp but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless as I saw her being thrown into the back of the van, crying and screaming for help.

My screaming grew louder, begging for them to stop. Begging for him to let her go, stop hurting her. I was suddenly released only to be punched in the back of the head. The world began to spin around, and I could barely stand up. I saw the bleeding man being carried to the van by the guy who had pinned me down and I ran after them, tears streaming down my face. I caught up to them just before they got in the van, grasping their clothing, begging for them to let Fae out, leave us alone. I was thrown backwards, hitting my head badly on the sidewalk.

I lifted my head one last time, only to see the van speed off with Fae banging on the window, screaming at me for help, to stand up and save her. I then fell to the ground unconscious, the sight still imprinted in my mind.

A high pitched shriek snapped me from my thoughts. It had come from my own lungs, echoing throughout the atmosphere. I shot up onto my knees, screeching like a banshee. Emotional pain consumed my nerves, feeling like it was almost tearing through my chest, clawing and scratching my heart. Tears running down my face like an uncontrolled river, ready to drown me at any second. It already felt like I was drowning.

“FAE!!!” I shrieked. My throat was almost closed up, choking me. I had let her down. I couldn’t save her, I was too weak to. If only I was stronger, I could’ve saved her.

After the police were alerted, I was interrogated but I couldn’t get a word out. They got me to write what had happened, my hands shaking at every word. They sent out a search party for her, asking almost everyone on campus if they knew anything that could be of use to them. During this time, I could barely function. While Fae’s family was sick with worry, I couldn’t even speak without bursting into tears. I couldn’t do anything myself, trapped in a robotic state until I could see Fae again. I was completely overcome by guilt and grief for her, always asking the same questions over and over again.

Where is she?

Is she ok?

Why didn’t they take me as well?

Why her?

I was clinging onto the hope that she was ok. That she was fine, and that they hadn’t hurt her. That she would come back home, and I could hold her again. I could protect her and never let anyone hurt her again.

I was gasping for air. Practically choking for oxygen through the sobs, I felt dangerously light headed. I could barely breathe, but I called out again, desperate for a response I would never receive.

“Fae, where are you?!” I screamed.

I was overwhelmed with shame, defeat, guilt, grief and heartbreak. There had been no news on Fae’s location or kidnappers, and police were still completely clueless on the situation. They had been searching for over a month now, and I was losing hope. I take that back. I already had.

The sensation of cool mist tingling my skin was what caused me to open my eyes. I looked to the sky to be greeted by dark clouds. Dark from the night or rain, I didn’t know. A droplet of water landed on my tear stained face, causing the start of light rain that was sure to get heavier.

I should get this over and done with. I hope the rain washes away the blood…

Reaching for the gun, I grabbed it, examining what would be the cause of my death. Tracing the outline of the black metal with the tip of my finger, I could almost imagine what was about to happen, all because of this deadly object that I held in my hands.

Stop stalling Kali, your just making this more painful for yourself. Don’t be weak and get it done already. I slowly lifted the gun to my head, my hands shaking from screaming and crying. I am not scared. I am not scared. I am not scared. I repeated this mental chant until the barrel of the gun rested against my right temple.

I am not scared. I am not scared. I am no-

“Kali!!” A voice screamed.

I stood up immediately, and looked around barely focusing but looking for the source of the voice. I knew that voice! Who said my name?

“Kali!!! Over here!” The voice yelled.

My head snapped in the direction of the voice, still unable to see its source. Where is she?!

“Kali!!! For Christ’s sake, could you please use your eyes?!”

I rubbed my eyes, removing the tears that blurred my vision. I looked up again, my eyes adjusting to the darkness. On the building across the street, was a redheaded girl waving her arms around like a mad man.

“FAE?!” I screamed. I looked closely, even more tears streaming down my face. It was her. It was really really her.

“FAE, I’M COMING! JUST WAIT THERE!” I yelled. I was happy beyond belief. After weeks of sleepless nights, heartbreak, constant worrying and loneliness she was there. She was back. And she was ok.

I looked around, my brain back in a tornado of chaos. I couldn’t think straight. The logical and safest idea would be to use the stairs, but that would take too long. I want to be with her Now.

I spotted a thick powerline covered in rubber connecting the 2 buildings. It was about 20 meters long, and above the busy road below.

It was stupid.

It was dangerous.

It was reckless.

And I didn’t care.

I stepped onto the wire without a second thought. It was bouncy, but strong enough to hold my weight. I took another step, now too far away to go back. Wind whipped around me, and the rain grew heavier, pouring down my back and streaming through my hair like a waterfall. Step after step, I paced myself as I slowly walked along the rubber wire. I was halfway across when it occurred to me I could be taking my final steps.

“Kali! What are you doing?! Are you insane!?” Fae shrieked. I looked up at her, her loving forest green eyes reflecting fear, carving her expression into a terrified one. How much I missed gazing into her eyes, I don’t know. A wave of confidence fell over me, despite Fae’s distraught state. Just a couple more steps and I could be with her again.

Taking a deep breath, I continued my slow and steady pace. Occasionally looking up at Fae for reassurance, I made my way closer and closer to her. My legs began to shake from excitement and fear, causing the wire to wobble. A pang of terror shot through me, as I glanced up at Fae nervously. She was almost within my reach.

“Hold on Fae! I’m almost there!” I called out to her. I took a final step before I felt the wire give way.

Everything went into slow motion. The wire fell from beneath me as I leaped towards Fae. Fear was written all over her face, as she reached out to grab my hand. I felt like I was frozen in time, forever trapped in a state of life and death, staring into Fae’s eyes for eternity.

My fingertips grazed hers, and I felt like I was slowly falling to my death. Realisation that I wasn’t going to make it consumed my mind. I could imagine myself falling, collapsing onto the pavement, possibly crushing someone.

I was yanked out of my thoughts at the feeling of my wrist being grabbed. My eyes snapped back into contact with Fae’s, realising that she had just saved me. Everything sped back up when Fae pulled me up into the building, making me land on top of her, both of us struggling to breath.

It was silent for only a moment between us. The calming sound of rain hitting the ground surrounded us, us heaving for breath, the steady beat of her heart echoing through my ears. It was silent for only a moment, but it was a moment too long for me.

Rolling off of Fae, I landed on the cold wet concrete next to her. Jumping to my feet, I grabbed Fae’s hand, pulling her onto her feet.

“Kali, are you o-“

I cut her off mid sentence, pulling her into an inescapable hug. I began to sob into her shoulder, rain pouring down onto us, chilling me and Fae to the bone. She wrapped her arms around me, holding me close. Gently swaying me side to side, she whispered into my ear while I cried.

“I love you Kali. I’ll always love you” She murmured.

Peace came to me when she spoke those words. My tears began to stop, and I just let her cradle me, rain drenching both of us, soaking us to the core.

“Are you alright now Kali?” Fae asked, concern woven into her calming voice.

“I think so…” I mumbled. Lifting my head from her tear soaked shoulder, I looked at Fae, observing the face I had missed so much. Drenched strands of hair fell over her face, her forest green eyes staring right into my soul. I lifted the strands away from her face, and tucked them behind her ear.

“I missed you Fae.” I whispered.

“I know Kali. I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner. But I have something I need to tell you” Fae replied, sadness tinting her voice.

“What is it?” I asked softly. Dread flooded through me like a tidal wave. I could tell what she wanted to tell me wasn’t good.

“I have to go away for a while. We cannot see each other, nor communicate during this time. It will be painful for both of us, and you can not come with me. Not yet.”

“Fae, what are you talking about? Where are you going? Please, don’t leave me again…” I begged.

“I wish I had a choice, Kali. But I don’t want you to think of this as a goodbye, but as a thank you”

“A thank you? Fae what are yo-“

Fae pulled me into a hug, arms wrapped around my waist. I slipped my arms around her neck, resting my head on her shoulder again. I heard her whisper in my ear, the most loving words I have ever heard spoken. Words I will never forget, even to this day.

“This is my thank you Kali. Thank you for coming into my life, and giving me joy. Thank you for loving me in return when I believed no one would ever want to. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, Thank you for showing me what I can be. You revealed a person to me that I thought I could never live up to, but I became her. You made me my best self, just by being around me. You completed me, becoming my other half that I could never live without. You helped me complete the tasks life had set out to me, just by agreeing to be mine. You have loved me in a way that I only read about in books. I love you Kali. I have since the day I met you. And I always will. It doesn’t matter if you move on, fall in love with someone else. While you might not always be mine, I will forever be yours. I will be the voice in your head that shows you right from wrong. I will watch over you, and protect you from harm. I will always be with you Kali, just as you were always with me. I don’t just love you. I am IN love with you. Forever, and always.”

Her words touched my heart in a way I have never felt before. They soothed my mind, calming the emotional storm that raged in me. Tears of joy rolled down my face, peace and relief flooding through me. All I could hear was the steady beat of Fae’s heart and the dying patter of rain on concrete. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want her to leave. All I wanted was to stay like this, forever.

“Kali, we should get you to bed. You look like a mess, when was the last time you brushed your hair?” Fae chuckled, interrupting the comfortable silence. Taking my hand, she led us out of the rain and into the safety and dryness of the building. By the time we got to the ground floor I was almost fainting from exhaustion, so Fae scooped me up bridal style and carried me the rest of the way to the dorm.

Arriving at my room, Fae had effortlessly carried me the whole way. Her footsteps had been light but fast, giving the sensation of her gliding across the floor. Lowering me onto the bed, she tucked me underneath the blankets. My body happily greeted the warmth, comforting my chilled and frozen nerves. Fae planted a kiss on my forehead, whispering a goodbye in my ear. She stood up straight, and began to leave the room. I reached out, grabbing her hand and holding tight.

“Don’t leave. Not till I fall asleep” I mumbled.

“ok.” She whispered softly. She laid down next to me on top of the covers. Facing me, she gently stroked my cheek, playing with my hair by twirling the drenched strands around her long fingers.

“Go to sleep, Kali. I’m here.” She murmured. Closing my tired eyes, I let Fae’s voice soothe me, her calming words taming my exhausted mind. Dancing between the borders of sleep and consciousness, I let Fae’s voice weave into my dream-like state. The last words I heard her speak were the ones that sent me to sleep, echoing around my mind, forever being engraved in my thoughts.

“How lucky am I to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard…”

And then there was silence.

I awakened to the sound of a ringing phone. The music of my ringtone bounced off of the walls, the light from the sun shining into the room. I shot up out of bed, my eyes searching the room for Fae, but she was nowhere to be seen. I reached for the phone and answered without looking at who was calling.

“Hello?”

“Hi Kali, it’s Fae’s mother” her voice sounded grief stricken, sobbing as she tried to speak those simple words.

“Are you alright Mrs Agassi? I saw Fae last night, she seemed perfectly fine! Isn’t tha-“

“Kali, there’s no possible way you could have seen Fae dear… please, don’t play these pretend games with me. Not now.” She whispered, her voice barely audible over the phone.

“What? What do you mean, what’s going on?”

“Kali, they found Fae’s body in the river this morning”

“What?!” I couldn’t believe my ears. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know who played such a cruel joke on you to pretend to be her, but she’s gone. You may have been hallucinating…”

“But it was her! How…”

“I’m sorry Kali. Fae’s dead”

The End

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