I woke up to an email from Ro, answering my question that yes we could hang out sometime, which made me feel happy at first. Sapon, my Indian worker had sent out CV’s for a helpdesk role In Castleford but it was too late to fill so not much to do today. Ro was back from his dental appointment and revealed that when he went under anaesthetic for surgery he found himself on the River Roads where he overheard a lot of things. He wrote them down as soon as he woke up.
He learned all the secret incantations to get onto the River Roads, the hidden paths and also the incantations to open up the way into the other realms that mortals are not permitted to enter. He discovered this knowledge by listening. There are many realms out there. Each realm is separated by a veil. Between the veils and the other realms is the Sea of Oblivion. If you enter that place you will get lost and never return, but through it are safe routes that you can travel along to get to the other realms. These are called the River Roads.
I told him I had a lot to learn and was scared. Moving back to my parent’s house means I’m not moving forward and I’m scared my life won’t have a happy ending. He told me to aim for a better one and I will get it. He said he would still make me the guidance amulet when he has the time. I really need it now. I still have the unpaid intern job for hope, if it ever pays out. I had a panic attack all night long and got to sleep at about 5am.
I woke up at 10am to find Ro had texted to ask how far I had gotten on my Grimoire. I told him I was up to the Magician skill level. He wanted to see pictures so I sent them to him. He is off work for a week because of having his wisdom teeth removed so there will be plenty of texting. I asked him what he was doing today and he said he would make my amulet. He sent me pictures and it looks good! I did some more on my Grimoire and slept on and off. He’s going to Texas for three weeks in October. He said the guidance amulet would help to guide someone who’s lost in life. I am very grateful.
Ro took a bath, a long one as always. Bubbles and exfoliator - very gay. He told me he had a dream about us. We were married in a tower with two sons. We had servants and his apprentices. Our families were paying the rent. It isn’t the first time he has hinted at marriage and we haven’t even met. I was filled with new hope. I said that I doubted I would ever be able to afford a tower and he told me we had sold many books so to get writing.
Regards online dating, the average looking fruit-loop was back. The initial conversation a few months ago was “do you smoke?” and “can you send pics?” A sharp “no” was my response. He was back again yesterday, asking me to travel to Wakefield for sex. This was during my panic attack so I didn’t reply. He appeared again today on Badoo asking me to pay him for a BJ. A block and a report hopefully did the trick.
21.06.2015 Father’s Day
Woke up in a good mood and asked Ro if he had bought a card. He told me his relationship with his stepfather wasn’t good. They didn’t really see eye to eye but he did get on with his siblings. His older brother Anthony, older sister Beck and younger sister Torryn still lived at home. He had one brother and five sisters in total (only one full sister). He does get on with his mum though.
We shared a few jokes but he had his friend Stefan round so he wasn’t very chatty for now. I checked out the video from his website.
It backed up all he had taught me about Karma being a crock and the power of 3 x 3 being false too.
I skimmed through his wand making video as the sound isn’t great for now, but I got to see him on video and yep, he looks pretty handsome! I believe he is genuine now as he bleeds for his customers.
I chatted with a young, good looking guy on the web today. I’m feeling good but strangely he deleted me quickly. Never mind.
Dad thanked me for the father’s day card. I will buy him a beer later. I continued my Grimoire write up on the different types of Magician levels. I had to face up to something I really didn’t want to do and write up the journal from my psy-demon attack into the original diary.
I had a good chat to an online friend Zabeen. She wanted me to make up with my old university friend Rob who had blocked me on Facebook and WhatsApp. I tried. Then she revealed she had been with a narcissist for five years, who had almost destroyed her. She recovered and maintained her original good friends. She was luckier than me. The mind baffles. The same guy who has asked me five times to pop round for sex, and each time gets refused when I find out he is fat, was at it again. I don’t care if he is twenty-one. Go on a diet! How much rejection does one guy want?
Ro didn’t seem too impressed with my obsessive day-length day dream. He texted to ask “Why would we have a bar?” and told me that he certainly didn’t want to build a nightclub! I explained that my dream was to promote his website and books so he’d become richer. We could run a magic orientated boarding school or university, teaching students based on a new curriculum, as I believe the current one doesn’t prepare people for life in the world. He slowly came around to my way of thinking and thought it was actually a good dream. He asked me where it would exist. I didn’t know, I hadn’t thought about that. Although his dream of a temple in Scotland consisted of a small magical community too, so I was happy to follow his dream if he wanted.
He was still off work and keen to work on his Grimoire for his children. He did a write up about dragons and was moving on to elves next but they kept pestering him, all talking at once, and telling him what to write down. I was editing my first book - Diary of a Gay Spiritual Manic Depressive - and completing my write up of the three powers of magic. They are the Pure Arts, The Primal Art and the Dark Arts. As most people I suspect are at this stage, I am fearful of messing with the Dark Arts but I am just a novice and will keep an open mind.
I got side tracked with helping mum around the garden and dad with his daily crossword. He often gets me to cheat by googling the answers.
Ro had a nice hot bath and continued with his writings while I continued with mine. Jenny the Shaman got in touch. She can’t answer all of my questions about my experiences, but the words “never” and “ever” that were always reoccurring were to do with me running away from something across the centuries and within my many lives. She was hoping I knew what it meant as this was the source of my victim issues all the time. Over the years, spiritual workers had told me to become a light worker and to learn to help people. They were nasty to me as I wasn’t doing enough to help. Hopefully one day I can study magic and help the community as Ro does. Lisa re-added me to the empathy group. The administrator who removed me was now removed.
Ro was busy writing so I didn’t really want to bother him. I sent him my usual thought for the day email. There is a local Facebook friend who is always broadcasting that he is a satanic devil worshipper. I wanted to know if this would make him magical and if I could learn anything from him. It took a while to digest Ro’s response:
“He can do magic if he is a Magician, just like any Wiccan, Buddhist, Christian or Muslim can if they are Magicians. However, if he creates magic and spells (like summoning) that are based fully on satanic rites and beliefs then he will fail at the spell just like all “magic” founded on religious ideology and dogma.
It is just like a Christian trying to summon forth an angel or bind a demon by using the names of their God, Jesus and saints. It simply will not work as you are invoking powers that are not there or have no hold over what you are doing. He can try all he likes to summon demons by calling on the names of Satan, but it will not work as there is no Satan or devil to use as leverage for the spell. He can try to summon Satan himself but will hold no results as there is no Satan to summon. The best he could hope to achieve is a psycho based spike, generating a thought form to communicate with which will be Satan. However, it is not Satan, as all he is doing is talking to himself and the manifestations of his own dark mind.
Sounds a bit confusing I know but I hope you can follow that and understand it”
My conclusion; another local fruit-loop! I commented “Can you do any magic?” He just liked the comment, no answer. I don’t think he can teach anything useful.
I’m still working on my first book, trying to make it more powerful and more believable. I don’t want to come across as a total fruit-loop. Ro is busy on his own Grimoire. The bulk of his yesterday was all about elves, detailing all the ranks and trying to understand their mother tongue. He blows me away most days with his knowledge and the fact that he learnt the language through communication with them. He sent me pictures of his Grimoire on Badoo. He is a neat writer and a talented painter. Sadly the pictures weren’t very clear so I couldn’t read his words. I hope he shares his Grimoire with the world but as his novice I cannot. He can speak real elvish but it’s not really a language you speak out loud in the real world.
Not all magicians speak to elves as they don’t cultivate the powers to see or speak to them. Jonathon Strange and Mr Morell got it right though; some summon them by using an intermediary such as a mirror or a crystal ball. I was surprised as I genuinely thought crystal balls would be new age crap designed to fleece money from the believers. He told me they are actually from the old world and that the proper ones made from jet or obsidian are used in summoning spells. As I thought, all the old crones that say “Cross my palm with silver and I’ll read your future!” use psychic shop crappy glass ones and that is baloney. Ro used to have one for show but never really used it. He doesn’t need it.
Ro completed his elves write up and today’s was about dothins (spider beings). I wasn’t really feeling magically inclined so I asked him about Skelton and Saltburn. He isn’t really a hundred percent happy living at home but on minimum wage he can’t afford to move out. He wants to live with someone who doesn’t annoy him. Me too and I never found anyone that hasn’t at least some of the time. I don’t think that person is me yet, but property is cheap in Saltburn and I think I may need a holiday there at some stage to see how we get on in the real world.
My random thought for the day for Ro:
(Hmmm…more random thoughts and broaching on the side of madness!)
“You call them anchored voices that I hear at night. I don’t really have a decent coping mechanism for dealing with them, so I have to rely on a fair bit of cider each day. This cannot go on forever.
From the original psychic attack / psy-demon attack, whatever it was, the only person that removed them temporarily was Jules the Spiritual Response Therapist. We did the higher-self work in person. I witnessed it, and at the time I heard the voices during the day saying “Make it stop!”
We both felt uncomfortable but they were removed. Stupidly, to keep Kyle, my boyfriend at the time, I took lots of drugs with him and they soon came back.
The others that worked temporarily to remove them included a hypnotist with past life regression; I think that worked for about a week and she said that in London I would probably pick up other attachments. I can’t remember if I took drugs for them to come back or if they just came back on their own.
A spiritual gay guy I met on a meetup in London (cool guy) recommended salt baths. After about seven baths it did start to work eventually but—and you’re going to think I’m rank—I wasn’t motivated and didn’t have the time for a salt bath every day. Dad is really tight and limits the amount of baths I can have to save water.
I had a good shaman in London (sort of). She was cool to see in person but seriously extortionate. We were working on removing the voices and the thought broadcasting permanently, but when you try to remove thought broadcasting it flairs up in force. She was working too slowly to achieve results and it was really expensive. I left London anyway and didn’t complete it.
Irenka has booked me in for a long distance SRT session. She is reasonable, although her English isn’t perfect so its hard work and SRT at a distance doesn’t remove voices. She impressed me though from a brief conversation. She already knew that I drink too much and always says to get anywhere and become any kind of leader I have to address that issue otherwise later on I will become ill.
Sadly, I missed my addiction unit appointment (as I got the date wrong) which was going to suggest help for alcohol addiction and possible changes in medication for the voices (doctors can’t change them alone, I already tried). I’m trying to book another. Or I could try Jenny the shaman to see if she can do anything. It’s £12.50 for a Skype session for thirty minutes which is reasonable.
I could travel somewhere and try an SRT session in person (there aren’t any in Leeds/Yorkshire which is a ball ache). Jules is retired sadly and all other practitioners charge a bomb! Your conclusion though is its schizophrenia and nothing can be done.
What do you think I should do?”
“Try a combination of the things that worked and work on your own will power. It seems that once they are gone you do something like take drugs and they come back. You will have to change the lifestyle you are living that causes these things to happen, for example, cut drugs out of your life.
Then when you are doing this I suggest getting a hold of actual medication to try to give yourself a head start with the problem. As you are taking them incorporate your spiritual stuff if you think it will help.”
We continued the debate over text and it got a little heated. Ro is unwilling to accept that there is anything to the new age practitioners even though I found that some (a very small percent) do help me. The whole “all this time I have been playing the victim, for centuries in fact, until I do some special magic thing that he believes” is all bollocks. Although, I did like his “Shit happens” response!
I felt better and for a change Dad was actually watching interesting TV on History 2. There were good programs on covering magic and time machines (time machines I do not believe in). It was on about magicians through the ages and was interesting watching until it led with the crap that they were aliens. I almost bought into some of it and the programme was pointing towards the fact that Moses could have been a Magician (quickly dispelled by Ro who told me flat out “No, he didn’t exist.”)
He finished his write up on spiders and showed me the pictures on Badoo. He was tired all day and missed my hint at a holiday to go visit him so we could meet up in the real world. He had a tough day with the dothins’ language saying it was harsh and took a lot of words to relay a simple sentence. The spiders could be quite huge and unpleasant looking but he completed his write up, showed me pictures and told me I wouldn’t be allowed to read the text because this is far beyond me for now.