Day 19- Conspiracy
For I may never see you again.
just know I am dying.
for a chance to be with you. ~
Luke is sick.
I think he may be dying.
I cry to myself where I sit.
I'm hungry and if the illness does not take Luke's life I'm worried that I may take it instead in a fit of starvation and hunger.
I believe life is a conspiracy.
A giant conspiracy to make me miserable. Every piece, every statue, every domino has been set precisely in place to murder my heart and kill my soul. That's how I feel. Like life has conspired to kill me since the day I was born. To ruin me. To destroy me. To anticipate my suffering as if it were candy.
I sit in the locked tower with Luke who is ill and appears to be dying and I stare at the bones of the dead rat that lay in a pile on the floor in front Luke and I watch as Luke nibbles on a bone and tries to suck some kind of vitamins from it.
I am terrified of losing Luke. Absolutely terrified.
If conspiracys are real then it was completely possible and within logical reasoning that this conspiracy was real and geared directly at killing me. I think that maybe it wants me. Desires me even. As if it were Drake or the Devil or some other sexual predator that craves my flesh for the hell of it. It craves me. wants me. Loves me. This conspiracy is in love with me. It was a stalker that would do anything to have me.
It wanted me. To tie me up and leave me in its basement for hours on end before taking me by force. That was the kind of conspiracy this was. And still, i wondered what I could've done to deserve such a conspiracy tearing me apart. I wonder what I should've done to make it better and go away and how I could've avoided such a conspiracy in the first place.
I do believe in love and happy ending s and good things. GOOD things. So why was I so upset? I think that this conspiracy is the reason for my fears so if I believe it isn't real then it isn't real. I want it to go away and I never want to see him again, if he were a person that is, this conspiracy against my life.
I give up.
Luke is dying and I give up.
Please forgive me God,
But the pain is too deep and I must forsake you for a little while like the vampire I am and hate you for just the briefest moment. You don't seem to hear me. YOu don't seem to understand my pain. And therefore i feel as if I have to let you go.
I have to let you go.