Dragon Versus Bacon

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Chapter 21: This Might Be the Last Chapter

The two monsters collided, obliterating matter and antimatter alike for miles around. They crashed through the earth and stone, rolling across the blackened island, sending debris hurtling towards the eerie clouds. The eerie clouds hissed and swatted the larger chunks away with red, electrified tentacles. The two ultimate-form dragons separated and squared off against each other, both giddy with the pleasure of being face-to-face with a worthy opponent.


I just described Khvarikx Omega at the end of the last chapter and I’m too lazy to describe his enemy’s new form, so if you want to aid your mind’s eye, look at the concept art. For those of you who want to know what Khvarikx Dracul looks like, but, like me, are too lazy to put in the effort, I will throw you a bone. Imagine a demon bat that’s half-dragon. If that’s too hard, imagine a dragon that’s half demon bat. Now, regardless of which route you went with, add a crap-ton of spines. A LITERAL CRAP-TON. SPINES AND WINGS EVERYWHERE. SPINES, WINGS, AND MURDER! Back to the battle now.


Omega lashed out with a tentacle wing and followed with a laser blast from his mouth. Dracul blocked the wing and skirted to the side, avoiding the laser. He countered by whipping around with a jagged, spiky tail, flinging small, white darts like kunai. Omega let out a roar so loud it broke the laws of sound, making it seem like it was actually completely silent. The roar created a shockwave that pushed the kunai away; they floated for a moment before shattering and grinding themselves to dust. Omega flashed a toothy grin at Dracul, then teleported behind him, unleashing a stream of green napalm. The demon dragon deflected it with an easy fireball.

“Ha! You’re an idiot! You’re an octopus and you can’t strangle me because I have spikes everywhere! I have the advantage!”

Dracul lunged forward, swinging his clawed scissor wings.

“You’re an idiot because I can teleport and you can’t!” The octodragon warped again and launched a cluster of purple heat-seeking plasma orbs.

“You’re both idiots!” The two dragons froze like freaked-out cats noticing a vacuum cleaner. A talking vacuum cleaner.

“Xijan Ol?” the dragons croaked in unison.

“Yes! I’m back!” she proclaimed.

“How?”

The two dragons both noticed that they were talking in unison, so they shot guarded, yet approving glances at each other.

“She brought me back!” Xijan pointed to Aevynha.

“Oh god she’s here?” Omega growled.

“What the hell? I killed her!” Dracul was pissed.

“She came back to life, dude.”

“Not cool!”

“Should we kill each other or kill them first? Personally, I think we should just have a free-for-all.” Omega stretched his tentacles in anticipation.

“Word.” Dracul nodded.

“I feel the same,” said Xijan. “I’m eventually going to betray Aevynha anyways.”

“Likewise, I just needed an extra in case we had to fight those two,” agreed Aevynha.

“Rules?” Xijan asked.

“No rules! That being said, let’s go fuck up Mars. I don’t want you dickheads to trash my planet,” prodded Dracul.

“Good thing I can teleport! Who’s the idiot now?” The octodragon snickered politely.


Five Minutes Later


“Did we need Mars for anything?” asked Aevynha.

“Probably not,” responded Dracul.

“Cool. In that case, I won’t fix it. Planet Zorgorgothitronica in the Blood Monkey Galaxy is indestructible so we could go there next.”

“Wait, do I have a say in this?” asked Quidogi (Quidogi is the green and grayish immortal Martian ultragod king of love and friendship).

“Go to sleep, bud. Just go to sleep,” whispered Omega, constricting his tentacles around the alien ultragod’s body.


Five Minutes Later


“Pew, pew, pew!” Dracul mocked them, dodging energy attacks from Xijan and Omega, flinging spikes as he spun through the air.

“Are you even aiming, you hentai freak?” Xijan swung at Omega, but he tackled her and latched on with his tentacles while Aevynha frantically chased them around, trying to join in on the fight. She managed to intercept Dracul’s trajectory and braced for impact, flailing her arms wildly. Dracul barreled into her, sending them both tumbling to the ground. When their rolling crash came to an end, Aevynha was on top, pinning the spiky black creature to the crystallized metal surface of the planet.

“Get off, slushie!” The bat-dragon flicked his tail and launched her several miles away in an instant, creating a resounding sonicboom. He twitched his body against the bizarre material, launching himself back in to the sky towards the octodragon strangling its prey in the sky. As he reached his targets, something caught his eye. Xijan wasn’t struggling. She was gently, yet firmly clenching and rubbing the tentacle wrapped around her neck. While most of her upper body was smothered in tentacles, her mouth was visible and it was curved in a twisted smile.

“Oh, that’s just sick! I think she’s enjoying it!” Dracul screeched in alarm.

“WHAT? EWWW!!!” Omega recoiled and released Xijan in a blind, disgusted panic.

“Strangle me! I promise I won’t like it!” Aevynha begged as she closed her eyes in the blissful thought, rocketing towards the emotionally scarred octopus creature. Overcome by the feeling of horror, Omega keeled over and vomited a sloshy spray of acid and lava that sizzled and popped like a thousand mini fireworks exploding inside a water balloon of old pink and green paint that was violently thrown against a volcanic boulder. Aevynha didn’t even notice and consequently sailed over the sickened octodragon.

“You good, dude?” Dracul floated near Omega, watching Xijan recover her equilibrium.

“Yeah, thanks for letting me know about that before she finished,” replied Omega.

“No prob. If that happened, it would have been really uncomfortable for everyone.”

Aevynha returned to the scene and made a daring attempt to tackle Omega. It was a slimy, slightly squishy, brick wall, bouncing her off into Dracul. He reacted with a hiss and an explosive swell of flames that scorched both Aevynha and Omega. Omega assumed that the temporary gentlemen’s truce was concluded, so he lashed back with a set of bluish electric arcs which danced around, their hands teasing the goddess and the dragon before locking in and aiming the obnoxiously colorful warping beam that fried the two targets in the following moments.

“That beam had literally every color except purple! Why on earth did you not use purple? That’s easily the most powerful color!” Dracul hissed angrily.

“Screw you! We’re not even on earth,” snapped Omega.

“YOU CAN’T EVEN PURPLE!” Dracul spat a ball of golden napalm at Omega. The octodragon dodged to the side and warped, appearing right behind the bat dragon.

“Purple this, razordickbrain!” He unleashed a volley of tentacle slaps, cutting his appendages on Dracul’s spines.

“SSSSSSTTTTOOOOPPPPPP!!!!” A piercing scream shocked the combatants out of their frantic melee. Ryssa floated towards them in her ultimate god form, fuming with anger and the oncoming lectures she was ready to deliver.

“You’re the little sister,” Aevynha taunted. “No one is going to listen to any--”

“NO!” Ryssa cracked her across the face with a furious backhand. “You keep screwing around with all your stupid games in your attempt to be the frickin’ queen bee of the universe, but you’re too much of an idiot to actually do anything right! Instead, you just screw everyone’s lives up with your overly complicated plans! You turned a dragon into a bacon strip! That’s so rude! I can’t even begin to tell you why that’s completely sick and twisted! All of this was for an intergalactic war game that you were going to play with your co-captain who you’re currently trying to fight to the death right now!”

“Wait, I thought you were dead, Ryssa! I kind of killed you!” Omega frowned in utter confusion and awkward guilt.

“AND YOU!” She zipped over to the octodragon and railed his slimy jaw with a vicious uppercut. “You’re too busy trying to get your revenge to actually stop and think about what you really want! Every time I think you’re trying to do something good, you turn around and reveal that it was just another step to pampering your ridiculous ego! Also, you’re an idiot too! In fact, I’m going to pause here and save myself from repeating that again. You’re all idiots! It’s like you’re a bunch of toddlers who found a cooler full of lite beer, got super smashed, and then started throwing your toys at each other!”

“You know I don’t like lite beer!” Omega retorted defensively.

“Shut up! I’m not done with you yet! YOU STABBED ME IN THE NECK! I was your only real friend and you stabbed me and threw me overboard! You didn’t even check for a pulse! Your entire life story has been one long roller coaster of horrible ideas and impulsive reactions! Take a moment to think! I know that’s hard for your sluggish worm brain to do, but you should give it a try every once in a century!”

“Ha! Haha!” Dracul snorted and giggled. “I love how she’s mad at you for stabbing her, but I did the exact same thing and totally got away with it.”

“That’s the least of your sins!” Ryssa clenched her fists as she drew close to the bat dragon. “All of this could’ve been avoided if you had just listened to your older self when he came back in time to help you save your empire! He came back in time to warn you and you decided you needed to fight him!”

“Well, at least I’m innocent here.” Xijan let a smile play across her lips.

“No you’re not! Pretending to be a smoke demon? Tricking that wizard into setting up the summoning ceremony? You were supposed to sleep until a world needed purging, but no, you wanted to nuke earth just like you nuked my first planet for your stupid war game! YOU KILLED MY FUCKING KOI FISH!”

Xijan sighed and her smile widened. She reached out and poked Ryssa on her nose. Ryssa gasped. Her skin peeled back from her nose and flayed itself out into the wind. Her clothes and armor tore themselves to pieces as her muscles and tendons snapped and separated from her bones. Her eyeballs and internal organs floated out from inside her body and popped, scattering tissues and fluids. Her bones shattered, sending shards across the sky.

“Now that I finally have her out of the way, I can kill you three and get on with my plan!”

“Like hell you will!” Aevynha lunged at Xijan only to meet a similar horrific end.

“Now there’s only you two dragons.”

Omega and Dracul stared wide-eyed.

“You were going easy on us?” Omega asked nervously.

“Obviously! I’m the goddess of murder and destruction. After you two combined powers to beat me the first time, I decided to train relentlessly. I will never live through that embarrassment again! Every moment of every day and night has been spent building my strength!”

“We didn’t combine, he vampire-sucked the life out of me and killed me,” said Omega.

“Yeah, we didn’t combine until later. Even then, we just argued and smacked our face a couple times. We didn’t fight anything. I’m sure we’d be unstoppable if we did,” added Dracul, daydreaming.

“Oh shit.” Xijan realized her mistake.

“‘Oh shit’ is right, Xijan.” Dracul growled and shook his wings.

“Oh shit!” Omega smiled as he wiggled his tentacles.

“I’m not sure what’s happening,” Dracul whispered to Omega.

“Me neither,” he admitted.

“Is she scared because she heard that I have vampire powers?”

“I don’t know. Probably? Vampires are scary.”

“If she’s scared we have a chance.”

“No! Stop! I’m just going to kill you! This ends now!” Xijan screamed impatiently.

A lightbulb turned on in Dracul’s head. He hissed quietly at Omega.

“Now. Now rhymes with meow. Meow is the sound dogs make when they’re eating cats. Cats are like tiny clawed horses. Horses have wings. Wings are usually orange or blue. The sky is blue. The sky rhymes with banana. Bananas are little fruity knives. Fruit tastes gross unless it’s soaked in blood. Blood--”

Omega flapped his wings excitedly as he caught on to Dracul’s train of thought and they spoke in unison.

“--is the river of life. Life requires two coming together as one to reproduce sometimes. Times rhymes with limes and murder. Murder tastes like fried whale. Blue whales combine to form giant underwater dinosaurs! WE NEED TO COMBINE!”

“If I get killed by these idiots, I will lose all credibility as both a demon and a goddess!” Xijan growled, shaking with livid frustration.

The two dragons roared as they boosted up their energies and started merging their auras. A field of flashing lasers and electric explosions materialized around them. Their roaring intensified and the particles composing their bodies began to dissolve into the force cloud.

“That’s it, I don’t even care anymore,” Xijan raised her finger and it glowed slightly.

The particle storm shot off sparks and fireworks; it was now a blur of lights and colors with two silhouettes that slowly drew closer together.

Xijan shook her head and touched her nose, ripping her body to shreds.

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