“Eh yello! Mr Peshwari-san how are you this fine Thursday?” A daper man said into a bluetooth headset. “Uh huh, yeah, oh yeah he’s dead, nothing left. We were picking up pieces of him with tampons and little packing peanuts soaked in bleach.” He let out a little unintentional laugh. “Oh yeah then we burnt the whole town to the ground, it was fun we roasted marshmellows and told racist jokes.” An Asian man in a golden suit was sitting at a large ostentatious onyx desk in the shape of two black women pressing their asses together. His feet resting crossed legged atop a curvaceous butt cheek.
He was listening on the phone smiling as the man on the end nattered Charlie brown style into his ear as he nodded smiling. “Well what can I say, don’t let your kids compete in zombie deep web gameshows I guess, I mean that’s a given right? Uh huh” He looked around his office getting a little bored now. Yawning with the affectation of one missing out on some interesting thing passing by the window while on the phone. He had the air of someone who would break his neck turning his head to see something. Anything to keep boredom from creeping in, but that was fine because he could afford to get it fixed.
His office aside from the desk was what you might except from some yuppy half-asian weeb. Zen gardens, samurai swords hanging on the wall, Japanese versions of old western movie posters and old ukiyo ed paintings. A mix of American and Japanese styles tastefully seething around the new looking tacky sex desk. A giant picture of himself behind his desk pulling a trollish grin giving the ‘ok’ sign. The plaque read “’Dirty’ Dan Pudgiwara – Ceo Pudgiwara industries.”
“Uh huh, huh, ok, well but- yeah, well I’m sorry, he signed a waiver. We’re not liable for his unfortunate demise competing in an illegal underground zombie hunting contest, ok, I don’t know where you’re going with this.” He nodded his head a little more, shaking it smiling like he was about to laugh. “You’re just saying words now, ok yeah, what do you want me to do about it? There isn’t enough of him to fill one of those little girl jimmy hats.”
He crinkled his nose listening, swivelling in his chair like a bored toddler. “He was a big boy and sometimes big boys get mulched by their own claymores, he wasn’t playing golf for the love of fuck. You’re just whining like a little bitch, what do you want me to do? You’re like a muslim or something right you’ve got to have more than one son, you fucking people breed like bunnies. Sikh, whatever.” A pause as he listened and his face grew some lines in an otherwise baby visage. “He was your only son, well sucks to be you I guess. Ironically I can’t bring him back to life unless you want a living dead puddle. Maybe you could put whats left of him in a paddling pool and soak your feet in the faggot.” He continued to listen only to wait for breaks to say more offensive shit. “Uh huh, yeah, well fuck me if you want to throw more money at it be my guest. Don’t you have more important things to do like fucking goats, plaiting your fucking beard hair?”
Mr Evergreen, a tall man, pitch black in skin colour but with the smooth symmetrical features of a clothes mannequin sidled into the room. He was wearing a pressed charcoal suit over a rigid atheletic frame a binder under his arm. He entered the room without making a sound. “Well good day to you too Peshwari-san.” Dan said smiling a shit eating grin as he put the phone down. Turning his best Nicholas Cage surprised smile on Evergreen as he propped his elbows onto the ass cheeks of his desk and cradled his head.
“Who was that?”
“Huh, oh yeah, wrong number, guy was trying to get me to change my phone plan or something, I dunno, what do you want? This is like my private reflection time or whatever.” Dan said as he turned in his chair and started to button his suit jacket. He was a slim Asian man around his late twenties early thirties, about 5’4, clean shaven with a neat business haircut. An aura of powerful aftershave followed his every move. “Didn’t you used to wear like goggles or something?” Dan said pointing at either of his eyes.
“Contacts” Evergreen said opening his eyes revealing his shark like eyes shining with a metallic silver shade.
“Night vision contacts? They make those?”
“Uh huh, the boys in the lab sent you a memo did you read it?”
“Err, memo, memo, memo, hey what do you think of the new desk, think my dad’s gonna love it, just loves fat black asses.”
“Err, where do you put the pens, in fact, I don’t wanna know”.
Frank grinned “Well it’s supposed to come with like a glass table top but I kinda prefer it like this. Anyway what the fuck do you want, HR department whining about me again, they know I’m the boss right? Wait what do we make again, cars or something right?”
“We specialize in pharmaceuticals on the table and biological weapons under it.”
“Yeah well I know about that part haha! Why do we need a pr department, fire them all and put in a hooters or something, wait what’s worse than hooters?” He started to trail off into thought and then said “So what did you wanna show me, they cook up a new kind of cow with like two cowtits, what are they called?”
“Udders, and no. They have some kind of progress report on the test subjects for the next trial”
“Well fuck nigga why didn’t you say so”
Evergreen scrunched up his eyebrows unusual for such a hardwood face.
“What I can say ‘nigga’, I didn’t actually say ‘nigger’, and I’m not even white, I’m like Asian or something, half white I guess, nihongo-jin right? We cool dog?” He pause waiting for some break that wasn’t coming. “Let’s just fucking go, we can take my private elevator, don’t talk to me.”
Dan pressed a button underneath his desk, that may or may not have been body part of his sex desk. The wall between the edo art and a full set of 17th century samurai armor slid open revealing a set of chrome elevator doors.
They boarded the elevator in silence as some annoy k-pop started playing in the Elevator. The two men tried not to talk or look at eachother until the doors pinged open again.
They both got out and Dan looked at Evergreen and said “I didn’t choose the elevator music.”
“You didn’t choose the music in your own private elevator?”
“I hired a contractor, how was I supposed to know he was into that gay shit?”
“What?” Dan said.
Evergreen and Dan walked down a long hallway in what seemed like an underground lab with no windows. Chrome everywhere, touching everything making it seem like an underground moonbase. the r and d department was at the end of the hall. It was just a large open room penned in by cannisters with zombies and altered test subjects floating serenely in them.
At the end of the canisters there was a nerd in a lab coat with fuzzy light coloured hair and a set of square glasses riding high on his forehead. The room was a large open test area, someone had put a few tables and chairs in, there was a large set of closed blast doors in the centre of the room. Dan thought it kinda looked like the danger room in those lame xmen movies.
“Ah you made it sir, its good to see you.” The science guy had the bright sunken eyes of a someone perpetually surprised by how little life had to offer. Someone expecting cereal to still give out prizes.
“Have we met before, I know you, you’re that guy, the one with the stuff, the computer guy right?” Dan said wagging his finger smiling.
“Oh you met my younger brother Murray, he’s the technerd of the family, I’m Barry down here in the dungeon playing god.” He chuckled and reached out to shake hands with Dan who studied his hand like Barry had just whipped out his dick and he wanted to compare size.
“What the fuck do you want Barry, I was really busy contemplating rubbing one out over my new desk, you like black chick’s asses Barry? I do, a lot and so does my dad”
“And he pays your salary, or maybe I do, I don’t fucking know just show me something. I have a very short attention span and I keep a glock down the front of my pants, so make it fucking quick.”
“Oh ok sure, right away” Barry started to get red in his pale face as he wheeled an old av club tv with a dvd player on a wheelable trolly he brought.
“We’re watching a movie?”
“Err yeah kinda”
Barry popped in a DVD labelled “Test subject Mojang”. Barry took the remote off the top of the tv set and the tv plinked on. It was this same room but there was a man or something that vaguely resembled a man on the showroom floor supported by a series of crane arms.
“We picked up what was left of that biker gang guy from the last trial”
“Oh yeah I remember that guy, didn’t I have him blown up or something?” He said looking over at Evergreen.
Barry quickly paused the video.
“You sent the Lancer after him and he blew himself up” Evergreen corrected.
“Oh yeah now I remember, so I blew him up and you turned him into Robocop or something?”
“What’s Robocop?” Evergreen chimed in.
Dan turned to him and said “I’d understand if you’d never seen Robocop but there’s no way you’ve never heard of it. There was that shitty remake a couple of years ago, had that guy in it, the one that’s in everything.”
“Gary Oldman?” Barry said.
“Yeah, that’s the one, so are you gonna run the tape or what?”
“Well you kinda ruined it with that reference but ok” Barry pressed play again. Dan made himself comfortable on the chairs provided, Evergreen remained standing, like a slim oak.
“As you can see, reanimating him wasn’t the problem”
The crane arms separated with a cloud of nmeutaic gases. The figure they supported toppled over and steadied itself. A voice came from behind the camera. “Test subject designation ‘Strife’ indentify”
“Fuck you motherfucker!” The thing cried out. The smoke cleared and revealed it was Mojang, but the remainder of his flesh was horribly burned some parts down to the bone. Most of the tissue on his limbs were in fact gone all together and were just skeletal with a metal frame around them to allow them to move. His arms and head seemed to be connected in the same way. “FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!” He cried out. He looked like a broken puppet, some flesh, some bone, some metal. His face still somewhat intact but cold and pale and looked unnatural on the skull like it was a mask or a slice of old ham draped over a mannequin’s face.
“Test subject, calm yourself”
“What the fuck is this shit? TELL ME TO CALM DOWN YOU PINCHE’ PUTO MOTHERFUCKER!” The monster lurched forward “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? WHAT THE FUCK AM I, GET THIS SHIT OFFA ME!” He started to tear at the supports on his legs. Ripping out struts that were drilled into his bones. His bones cracked and snapped with guttwrenching popping sounds that put Barry’s teeth on edge hearing it again. “WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK!? He cried ripping at his face with metallic skeletal fingers. “I can’t feel anything! Why can’t I feel anything? WHY? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME?” He clawed at his own face, pulling it away entirely, it was a mask of flesh kept in place with pins and surgical staples. Underneathe was a mangled mess of twisted bone and teeth and electical components.
His face looked like Jason vorhees fucked a bomb from a 90’s buddy cop movie. “I can’t feel anything!” He said as he vomited an odd orange subjstance from an indistinct hole in what was now his face.
He placed his metal hands which were three pronged like the grabber from one of those arcade games in front of his eyes. Then proceeded to drive them into his skull, deep all the way to the back. The sound of snapping cartilage and bone was loud and you could almost smell the old blood oxidising on those metal claws.
When he was done he’d scooped out most of what was left of his brain onto the floor. Scratching at the back of his skull until he crumpled into a pile of broken doll parts on the floor.
“Ok that’s enough filming for one day” Barry said in the video. The video ended and Barry in real life cleared his throat and crossed his hands in front of his crotch. He turned to look at Dan, who seemed to be in a stunned silence, at a loss at what he was seeing in front of him.
“Just like Robocop 2” Dan said smiling wiping a tear from his eye.
“Err yeah I guess, so you see. He just wasn’t the right fit, real problem with authority. Too quick to anger and irrational outburst, no clear focus or drive. He was just too complicated to control.”
“What about the Lancer, how do you control him?” Evergreen asked.
“He’s different, he has some kind of genetic deformity that allowed him to bond with the titrotatoxin and his nature is curious. A child like, almost sadism, I guess for the lack of a better word, drives him. He’s regressed and he goes out and he sees no difference in tearing a man limb from limb as tearing the wings off a fly. And of course the massive amounts of electric shocks we apply to his brain help too.” He paused. “Fnny you should mention him, we’ve been doing significant improvements on his chasis, a complete redesign in fact.”
“Wait, our secret zombie formula is called ‘titrotatoxin’, who came up with that name?” Dan said.
“Why does it matter?”
“It has the word ‘tit’ in it, it’s dumb.”
Evergreen sighed and went to his happy place, looking straight ahead and not saying anything.
“Err well, I can’t really change it-“
“You said there was a re-design on the lancer?” Evergreen chimed in again.”
“Err yes, we made him taller.”
“Taller, why taller?”
“Err because he asked us to.”
Evergreen stepped back pulling a stoney face as if he was too annoyed to facepalm.
“So you dragged me down here to show me your bootleg copy of Robocop 2 and that’s it? I thought we had good news here, no cow with more cowtits?” Dan said taking back control of the conversation.
“Cowtits?” Barry looked around the room like he forgot something. “Oh nonono, that was just a recap sort of thing, the bad news before the good news, you know. We haven’t got to the good part yet, this is what I wanted to show you.” Barry reached into his lab coat and pulled out a little remote. The large blast doors started moving like in a cheesey sci-fi movie. Smoke and rumbling and the creaking of gears.
“I must admit, I was sceptical about this one. But, I can’t argue with the results, he’s responded to the gene therapy quite well. Another special case I think, a perfect test subject for the new strain”
Evergreen handed Dan the folder he was carrying under his arm. “We’ve moved forward with project designation ‘Starfish’.”
“’Starfish’? Who names this shit?” Dan said furrowing his brow, pulling his lips back from his teeth and breathing through his mouth.
“Err well, it’s because we used starfish dna to modify the formula- nevermind” Barry stuttered. “Starfish’s have great regenerative capabilities.”
The doors were opening, more smoke and loud creaking for effect.
“Do we have it in budget for doors that open at a normal pace?” Dan said.
The thing beyond the giant double doors started to take shape. It was atleast seven or eight feet tall. It started to move forward almost like it was on wheels. The sound of a tank tread on the hard steel floor and what appeared to be scales reacted to the light like a disco ball rolling towards them.
“Barry was it? What the fuck is that? And don’t tell me its motivation is cheese, I will shoot you, smart guys who like money are not rare.” He said raising a finger in front of his face like he was pretending he was about to pick Barry’s nose.
“Not in so many words.”
Dan sighed and started to knead his temples with his fingers and said “Oh my god, what is life right now?” He stopped and took a deep inhale of breathe and said “Ok we’ll throw him in the next game.”
“Sir we haven’t had enough time to test him”
“Have him fight that other one, the starfish girl, ‘whatshername’”