“But I’m cold Curtis, and it’s getting late, we should head home.” Maryanne whined as she clenched her coat together in the passenger seat of Curtis’s old red Datsun. They were both wearing big goose down body warmers, hers pink his red. She was pretty with pigtail and freckles, pussy probably tasted like homemade lemonade.
“Come on baby, we’re like in shouting distance from the sheriff’s station, what are you afraid of?” Curtis was a blonde jock with a thin almost invisible mustache.
“I’m not afraid I’m freezing my butt off, there’s like a draft or something, did you hear that noise a minute ago”.
“Probably kids messing around with fireworks.” He said as he looked off into the murky darkness.
“Curtis, you better take me home and stop touching me or I’ll tell my dad and-“
“What are you talking about, I’m not touching you, yet” He smirked.
“Yes you are and I don’t like your hairy hands touching me like that”.
“Seriously I’m not touching you and my hands aren’t hairy.”
“Well someone is, turn on the light”
Curtis shifted in the drivers seat and pressed the ceiling light. A furry red hand was coming through a gap in the window in the car door. Stroking Maryanne’s milky white leg poking out the bottom of her cheerleader skirt like two white lollipop sticks.
“Oh my god!” Maryanne screamed as she began to frantically roll the window up on the arm of the strange creature. “Get it Curtis!”
“Goddamn pervert freak!” Curtis yelled as he bounced out of the car with loose and vibrant righteous anger.
He rounded the car furrowing his brow as he gazed upon a mansized plush fox. A goofy expression and huge anime eyes just standing there at the side of the car. “What the fuck?” Curtis said under his breathe. He bounded up to the strange creature and was right up in it’s face within a matter of brief seconds. “What the hell do you think you’re doing here ya freak, get the fuck out of here before I beat your degenerate ass!” He said as he shoved the furry, its co-ordination wasn’t so good and it toppled backward onto its tail into a puddle of slushy black ice. “You better get the fuck outta here now!
“Curtis, just take me home.” Inside the car Maryanne was rubbing her hands together trying to get warm, impatient and totally not in the mood.
“What the fuck?” She heard Curtis saying from the back of the car, she swivelled her head but she couldn’t move much because her jacket was too thick to turn her around. “Get offa me you goddamn degenerate freaks” His voice was muffled around the back of the car.
“Curtis?” she called out as she tried to see the back of the car, she was getting nervous. She swivelled the rearview mirror around and her eyes widened in abstract horror at what she saw. A group furries behind the car gyrating and humping eachother in a pile. Her boyfriend’s arm twitching and flailing sticking out of the pile of mascots yiffing him to death. “Oh my god!” She screamed.
A giant furry porpus landed on the windscreen making a weird noise dry humping the windshield “Get offa that!” She cried.
A furry pirate otter hit the side window with his body. She gasped and jumped to the drivers seat and locked the doors. Swallowing she swivelled her head around, dark furry figures shifting clumsily in the cold murk. She turned on the lights and she could see them, thousands of them thick, shifting with no gaps, a see of fur. She looked in the rearview mirror and a bloodsmeared ninja goat glared back at her. She screamed and fidgeted her frantic fingers on the ignition.
“Keys, keys, keys!” She jumped around the cab of the car, looking in the side wells and the under sun visor and in the glovebox; a small calibre revolver starter pistol. “Shit Curtis” He had the keys. “Shit shit shit!” She spat as the nervous terror tears ran down her cheeks as they closed in. Surrounding the car, the horde of furries humping the small red metal box making it jossle and feel smaller and tighter.
She rocked back and forth making herself small tucking her legs into her chest as the thin glass of the car started to crack under the pressure. The swarm pilling on higher and higher, there were so many now she couldn’t even see the sky. From the outside the car could was blotted out. It looked like an anthill covered in multi-coloured furry ants, actually I think there were ant-furries, that’s a thing right? Then a brief flash of light and small popping sound, a climax to the crescendo.
A slim hand flicked on a light switch and a series of rectangular halogen bulbs burst into life, giving of a dingey greenish glow in the evidence locker. The room was just loose packed shelves of various doodads in semi-see-through bags.
Guns of all sorts, knives and swords locked in plastic cases.
“Looks like we hit the motherload.” Sunday smiled as she propped herself up with metal doorframe.
“Sweet” Jimmy said as he pushed passed and grabbed a wrapped m-16 and tried to unwrap it. “Any of you got a knife or something?”
Sunday shook her head and he went at it with his teeth. She turned to TJ and said “Your new friend needs to learn some fucking manners.”
Jimmy bit open the bag and pulled out the gun. Lifting and shouldering it, aiming it at Sunday “What you say?”
“I said you need to learn some fucking manners!” She said again.
“Is that right? And what’s to stop me blowing your pretty ass head off right now?” He smirked.
“Ammo” She said.
He looked at the gun, the clip was missing.
“You think they keep ammo right next to it in an evidence locker? That would be in the armory which will be locked and guarded.” She walked up to Jimmy and she plucked the gun out of his hands without even looking at him. She looked it up and down and said “This just a fancy club now.” She took it by the barrel and wrapped it around his head knocking him flat out on the floor. His eyes rolled in his head for a moment.
She looked down at him disdainfully and broke the gun over her knee throwing the pieces beside him. “Point a gun at me again and I’ll make you eat it.”
She walked down the aisle looking up and down, he followed her with his eyes scowling and rubbing his head. TJ helped him up. “What’s her problem man?”
“We’re her problem, just play nice” TJ whispered.
“Ah here we go” She said.
“You found your bat?” TJ said.
“Even better” She grinned wide as she took the wrapping off it like it was new, like she bought it off ebay. It was nothing less than a medieval fork headed mace.
TJ laughed and said “Wow you look just like Sauron”
“Who?” She said as she rested it on her shoulder.
She smiled and pointed her eyes over by the corner of a set of lockers with number combinations on them.
TJ squinted and could see what she was directing him to. Resting like an old umbrella in the corner was some kind of Japanese sword wrapped tight. He could still see it was lacquered and the handle was a bright green shark skin.
He scrambled over to it, picking it up, feeling the weight and the balance. He slid the ties off each end and the elastic holding the wrap in place.
“Cool?” Sunday asked
TJ was speechless. Looking it up and down, it was real lacquer covered in some kind of hard wearing coating. It looked old but well kept a military tan colour. He cracked the sword open and the blade was remarkable, clay tempered, still sharp. “I’ve never seen anything like it, except online.” He squinted.
“What is it a thousand years old” She scoffed. “The highlander use it?”
He laughed “First of all you’ve seen the Highlander and that’s cool. Second, it’s old but not that old. I think this is a second world war officer sword. These things are rare if it’s real, expensive, looking at a couple thousand dollars right here. Even ten thousand to the right buyer.”
“What is this shit, storage wars?” BJ said as he came barrelling in, his eyes locking on the first large black package he set his eyes on. “Ah here we go.” He said as he went about unwrapping something large about sixteen inches, black. He unwrapped it like a kid on Christmas. Revealing a huge black dildo. Everyone turned to glance at him and looked away.
“What?” He stuttered. “It’s not mine. I just err, I just think it’ll be good at killing zombies, is all.” He took it wobbling in his two hands by the shaft and said “Like a billy club you know.” He said as he wacked the hard plastic balls against the linoleum floor of the evidence locker making a loud heavy slapping noise.
Jimmy got up and moved away and said “I aint saying anything.” He looked around a little bit knowing now he couldn’t make use of the guns. Failing to meet either TJ nor Sunday’s glance he found a big decorative hunting knife in large plastic case with the nylon sheathe under it. He jimmied the case and took the knife and said “Now that’s a knife.” It was a twelve inch bowie with saw teeth on the back, a big shiney wall hanger but could prove effective. He went about putting the sheathe on his belt as TJ fained laughter at his terrible joke and Sunday pretended not to have heard him.
“What now?” TJ asked Sunday.
“Need some wheels if we’re gonna get out of this. Find a phone and make contact with the guy.” She sat on a bench, her head hung like it was heavy and she lifted it to look around. Propping up her head in her hands on the handle of the mace and said “That is if we’ve given up on this whole zombie gameshow thing.” She smirked.
“I think I heard them saying there was an underground garage or something, I’ve never been there but this place is pretty good for signs.” BJ paused because he noticed people weren’t looking at him. Instead at the giant flopping black cock stuck under his belt like it was journeyman’s sword. He scratched the back of his neck and carried on “So if we just go down we could find it.”
“Ok here goes, you can attach the car battery now.” Jaclyn said as Kat attached the grips to nodes either side of Garylyn’s reattached head. The shock sent violent silent tremors throughout the thing’s body. “I reattached the mechanical parts, organic parts are patched up and they should regenerate. That’s what Mac said, cutting edge regenerative abilities are one of it’s key selling points.”
Roch was over by a booth on her own taking obnoxious selfies with her tongue out, Jaclyn asked her “Where’s Nita going?”
“Stuff her fat face with chirros again I’m guessing.” She replied.
“Hey don’t body shame her, big is beautiful” Kat said bobbing her head.
“I’m not shaming her, she does a good enough job of that herself.” Roch said without looking up.
“Fucking dyke bitch” Kat said under her breathe.
“The fuck dyou say?” Roch said jumping up from her seat like she sat on a pin covered in the shit of a straight white male.
They were up and in eachother’s faces faster than a heartbeat. The tense silence broken by the sound of a call coming through on Jaclyn’s laptop.
“Guys cool it, we’ve got a call from Mac coming in, it must be important.”
She opened up the chat screen and the hipster was there in standing in front of his monitor. But at an ironic angle like he was in some secret underground base or on a space shuttle.
“Hey guise, what’s going on, where’s Juanita?”
“Oh she’s-“ Jaclyn was cut off.
“Right here Maccy, what’s up?” Juanita came in not making any bones about taking bites out a of frozen half baked chirro still in the wrapper.
Roch and Kat looked at her as she was taking big crunching bites out of it.
“Aren’t you supposed to cook that?” Kat asked.
“No it’s like a chirropop”.
She waddled her way in front of the laptop screen pushing past Roch and Kat squeezing through the tight gap they made. Unbalancing the pair as she plonked herself smiling like a camgirl in front of the camera.
“I hope you’re having some luck bringing the prototype back online, we’ve got sometime until she’s really necessary.” He paused and did his tick. “but in the mean time my guy on the inside leaked the drop points for the day three operation.”
“Drop points?” Juanita asked, taking slurping cold bites out of her chirropop.
“Yeah we’ve been over this, didn’t you read the debweb site, it has a blog and everything. The first day is zombies, that’s coming next, then it’s pvp.
“‘Player versus player’. You should be good holing up here with any weapons you got from that army navy store”
“Erm yeah well, the thing is” She said scrunching up her cheek fat.
“What is it now?” He said lisping.
“We kinda got sidetracked by this fucking shitlord who was harassing me and we kinda forgot to buy any guns or weapons or anything like that.”
“Omfg” Mac said to himself. “Ok well just sit tight til day three, day three is when they start the drops. It’s supposed to be random but it’s not” He smiled. “Guns, prototypes monsters, some are duds. I’ve sent you a complete list of the drops and their contents to your map. All you need to do is find the one with the high-tech weapons and if you get; what did you call it ‘Garylynn’. If you get her operational and the weapons, you should be untouchable and then the second part of the plan should be a breeze.”
Gunshots, gunshots, gunshots, a pitter patter of small arms punctuated by loud full stops blowing holes in all conversation. Blood covered monitors, brains and balls and guts seeping into cheap mass produced carpeting.
A flash behind a door and then silence and the door creaked open slowly.
The fat Frenchman entered the lock up cautiously checking the corners with the Uzi. It was dark but he could make out the body of the cop bobby, very much dead. He bent down by the corpse never taking his eyes off the corners, the gun raised high as he patted the body. He was tired, there was blood all over him, some of it his. Sweat, heavy breath, a load of lead weighing on his vest.
He yanked the torch off the cops belt and stood poking the beam of light into the gnoxious dank dark of the cells. He got to Carpenter’s cell, the door was open a jar, it was empty and it smelled bad.
He cursed under his breath in french throwing the torch down angrily, it hit the floor and rolled by the windows, flashing on and off.
He put the uzi down on the desk bobby cracked his skull on and tossed his jacket on the chair. He started to awkwardly pulled off the bulletproof vest over his head. It was tight and hot and it hurt and it didn’t want to come off but he pulled it. It came off off like an ill fitting sweater knocking his beanie off and leaving his hair looking like he just woke up.
He breathed in and out, his face red, he wiped it and sat down on one of the chairs next to the desk and said “Merde”.
He sighed, then a noise, a scratching padding noise. He picked up the gun with a clattering sound and walked down the hall. Down towards the torch on the floor and the small ground level window.
He squinted, not understanding what he was seeing, as he perched on his tippy toes his hands on the windowsill so he could peer out. It just looked like a cartoon. A big purple dinosaur was walking in front of the window and then a giant wasp with a huge ass wearing a giant baby diaper and huge dummy around it’s neck. And then after that more and more of these huge mascots filling the parking lot, some covered in blood. Then out of the corner of his eye something caught the light. A man that looked like he was melting, like he was microwaved covered in forks. He was leading a horde of these strange creatures, pointing at the police station. For a moment he thought he was looking and pointing directly at him.
He turned from the small window and thought for a moment, bemused beyond belief and said.
“Time to go I think”.